


Love On A Tombstone- Sequel to The Last Name

by A_David



Series: The Last Name [1]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Arguing, Crimes & Criminals, Death Note - Freeform, Eraser, Help, Light x L - Freeform, M/M, Medical, Mental Breakdown, Original Character(s), Ryuk - Freeform, Shinigami, Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 17:20:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 100,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12137358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_David/pseuds/A_David
Summary: “I know this is hard for you. I know this isn't what we imagined, but-”“I'm not supposed to be here, Light."





	1. Hurt

The scarring had yet to fade. My index finger trailed over the only evidence of a surgery that had restored Light to his previous self. Sometimes he would mention aches from the echo of the knife that had been used, but other than that, he never mentioned the incident.

Light breathed deeply beside me in the calmest sleep I had seen him have in a long time. I didn’t dare wake him. He had been up very late, studying for his final exams in school. He was trying to finish the Metropolitan Police Academy so that he could join Scotland Yard.

He was so determined. But he had been struggling because of his English. He had gotten better, but it would be hard for anyone to just be thrown into a new situation. And he would never admit it to me, but I’m sure he was homesick. He would only speak Japanese around me and he often tried to recreate meals he said his mother would make at home. He also carried around a photo of his family in his wallet and I would catch him staring at it from time to time.

He didn’t need to join the Yard, though. He could just work with me. L was still alive and kicking. L couldn’t die. And Light had been playing the part wonderfully from the eyes of Japan, though I did everything else. Light was always so busy.

Light inhaled deeply and shifted. I sat up from where I had been laying against his bare chest so that he could turn over. I rested back down, curling my body up while I stared at my screen saver that bounced around my laptop monitor. My thumb went to my lip as I thought, Light’s breathing being the only thing that I could hear in the room

It was odd being alive. I had never put much thought to it until I had come back from death. I couldn’t explain it very well though. There wasn’t much to explain. It just felt like I had been asleep. I remembered the night of the party. I remembered being in that small alley with Gregory and Miranda; she had made a recovery after several hours of surgery. I remembered the tightness in my chest and the discomfort. And I remembered Light. I remembered seeing him just before everything went black. And then I remembered being in a bed and hearing someone crying. I remembered sitting up and seeing Light in the rain.

There had been no in between. There had been no heaven and no hell, but I had never really been that religious. What was a god to me? But it still struck me as odd. Why did I have nothing? Light had explained that he was going to limbo because he had used the death note, but that there were a heaven and a hell. Then... Where had I gone?

The next few nights after that had been horribly difficult with all of the explaining and the fighting and the promises and the deals. As far as I was aware, Light was following our deal to a “T”. I had hidden away the death notes where he would never be able to find them. We had discussed destroying them, but we weren’t sure what that would do to Light’s memory. And I had quickly learned that Ryuk, the chaotic shinigami, would be of no help to either of us.

After that, Ryuk had left somewhere, though I wasn’t sure where. But I was positive that I could see Ryuk hiding in the house every now and then. Around a corner, or trapped in a mirror. Every mirror. A look at my reflection and there would be something there, moving in the background, but only for a split second. That was him. I wondered if maybe someday he would forgive Light. The two of them were wrapped together in unbreakable chains. Light’s fate belonged to Ryuk and there was nothing that could ever change that.

As per our deal, he was going to school. And I hadn’t caught him trying to find the death notes. And he never mentioned them. But I was waiting. I had a horrible feeling that someday he would. I knew what not having them was doing to him.

He was an addict. And even now, so long after I hid them, he was still suffering from withdrawals. He often had headaches that he said were due to studying, but I knew better. He always had nightmares more often than before we came to England. He was impatient and sometimes angry for no reason, he had anxiety, no motivation... I was honestly surprised that he was still in school. He hated it. I knew he did.

But he promised me. He promised that he would never use the death note again, for anything. And if he did, I had every right to relieve him of his memories and have him locked up for the rest of his days. I had given him this one chance to prove to me.

I didn’t like being right. I didn’t like that my suspicions had been correct, even though I knew that they would be. And I didn’t like that someday when that day did come and I had to do as I promised, I would have to push through my love for him and do what was best for the world.

I jumped from my thoughts at a muffled cry. I sat up and looked over Light, whose face was contorted. I reached out to him and gently shook him. It was depressing that this had become a normal occurrence. It was practically a nightly ritual.

His russet brown eyes opened to stare blankly at the ceiling, his breathing deep and fast. It took a moment for him to return to himself as his eyes slowly filled with light. He rubbed them with the palms of his hands and slowly sat up.

“Another one?” he asked in a broken voice, his head in his hands.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked, reaching out to him. But before I could touch him, he was pushing himself out of bed and stretching.

“No.”

It was a simple answer, but it hurt me in a way. He didn’t share things with me. It was like trying to pull a tooth when we spoke. It was nearly impossible to get anything from him. He had closed up immediately after our agreement. It was like half of him was missing. But.... That’s what I had decided. I had forced half of him to be missing because that half was Kira. That half was a murder. But maybe... Maybe that had been the part that was really... The part that I loved.

That was nonsense. I still loved Light Yagami. He.. was just missing that part of him.

I pulled my legs up against me and watched as he busied himself with getting dressed. I glanced at the clock and sighed. “You don’t have to go yet,” I tried.

I just wanted him with me a little longer. I didn’t like being alone in this house. I knew that I couldn’t go into town as a precaution, but I had seen the grounds, I had played the piano, I had even dulled my mind with television. Now that I was forced to be inside, I didn’t want to be.

“I’m supposed to be there earlier today, remember?” Light gave me a half smile as he buttoned his shirt up, covering the scar that rested there. “He had to move me up so he could fit in a new client.”

I nodded. I did remember. I... Just wanted him to stay with me.

“You could always come with me if you wanted.”

I stuck my tongue out at the idea and heard him laugh. That was rare. It was a bright and sunny laugh that hardly graced my ears anymore. I could feel my head dip under the weight of his palm as he ruffled my hair.

“I’ll be home in two hours.” He had finished tying his tie and left the bedroom in swift strides, snatching his coat from the chair besides the mirror on his way out.

“Light!” I called, scrambling to my feet from the bed and racing after him and from our bedroom. “Light!”

He turned back to me and I stumbled into his chest. He gripped me tightly so we both wouldn’t lose balance and gave another laugh. This was strange. Was he in a better mood today? But he had just woken from a nightmare. Why was he in such a good mood? It normally took him hours to get back to a semi happy state. Maybe therapy was helping him. He did always seem to be in a better place when he came home.

“Love you,” he whispered, giving me a gentle kiss before pulling away and starting back down the hallway. “I’ll finish my homework when I get home.”

“Light?” I called again. He turned around to face me but slowly continued on backward like a high schooler who shoved things into his backpack when the bell signaling the end of class was about to ring. “I have a case that I could use your help on.”

Yet another laugh. My eyebrows furrowed together at the sound. “I highly doubt that,” he said with a smile. “But I’ll take a look at when I get home. Promise.” 

I sighed and slid my hands into my jean pockets, signaling that he could leave. His footsteps sounded on the stairs and then the front door opened and closed. I was alone. Again.

Maybe I should go to a session some day to see what it was like. I didn’t like the idea of therapy, but Light had insisted on it. He didn’t explain fully his reasonings, just that he thought it would help.

I wandered down the stairs and walked into the music room. The piano sat, waiting patiently for someone to play it. Beside the Steinway sat a single chair that Light preoccupied on nights when he couldn’t sleep. The piano had become a comfort to him when nightmares kept him up.

I tapped a few notes on the keyboard, but pause slightly at the sight of a face in the shine of the piano. “You don’t have to hide. I know you’re there,” I mumbled, continuing on in the small tune I had been playing.

There was a scratchy laugh behind me, but as I glance up from the keys, the shinigami sat atop the piano, his legs dangling down into the strings.

“That’s an instrument, not a chair,” I said calmly. The idea of a god of death was still new to me and the fact that I had been in the presence of one when I had died made me uneasy. Especially because they shared the same horrible yellow eyes. They made me nervous. They made me feel small. 

Ryuk hopped from the piano where he had been balanced on the top of the open lid.

“You want something,” I pushed. “You only appear when Light isn't here. What do you want from me?”

“I have a deal to make with you.” Ryuk’s voice was harsh in a way the other shinigami’s wasn’t. Ryuk’s was cruel. It sounded like a bag of rocks, grinding against each other, but it somehow fit his humanoid complexion.

“I’m not interested.” My fingers continued on, with my left hand shoved into my jeans pocket, drumming tensely against my leg. One of my knees rested on the black leather piano bench. The tune kept me calm. The steady notes made my heart not pound. The movement of my fingers gave me something to focus on so my anxiety didn’t overshoot itself.

He laughed again. “I haven't’ told you what the terms are yet.”

“I am still not interested. It will in no way benefit me or Light. I am sure there are other people you can torment.” My mouth was speaking on its own. My anxiety was becoming too much and was taking over all because of those eyes.

Those eyes...

They told me they knew exactly what my nightmares held. They knew what would scare me and what would destroy me. They could see straight through me, even if they were looking right at me.

“Let me take the death notes,” Ryuk said simply.

My fingers came to a sharp stop at those words, the notes ringing deadly in the air. “No,” I whispered, my voice missing. No one would ever touch those death notes again. Not if I could help it.

“You haven’t heard the rest,” Ryuk taunted, his smile reaching his eyes.

“I don’t want to hear the rest.”

I turned away from the Steinway to fully face the shinigami. My chest grew tight at the full view of Ryuk. He was unnatural and that was the best way to explain him. Other worldly. Alien. But he was a god of death. He would be all those things.

“Lawliet,” he grinned, tipping his head to the side.

My teeth clenched at the use of my name. That name that had caused so much trouble. That name that had hurt the people that I loved. That name that was chained to me and drug me through hell and back. The name that Light was only allowed to use.

“Interesting,” Ryuk teased, pointed teeth in a grin.

“I honestly don’t like where this is going.”

I walked past Ryuk in my slump and headed for the kitchen. Atop the wooden counter was a bowl of arranged fruit, which Ryuk helped himself to before I could say a word. I reached for the candy dish and grabbed the purple jelly baby. The purple had always been my favorite. I had grown up only eating that color from the package, but now that I was older, I ate the others. Why would I waste something sweet like that?

“If you give me the death notes, I’ll-”

“You will never set hands on those again,” I interrupted

He was really starting to annoy me. There was no reasoning with him. His smile dropped as did the shine from his eyes. My fingers shook as I lifted another sweet to my lips. His claw like fingers snatched another apple from the bowl on the counter and he turned from me. In a blink, he was gone.

I felt like my chest collapsed in on itself. The air left my lungs and my legs gave out. I stumbled to catch myself on the counter top and my hand went into my messy hair. What was it about him that made me so anxious? Light didn’t act like this whenever Ryuk had been around in those first few days.

My mind wouldn't stop asking the same question, even though I knew I didn't’ want the answer.

What was the other half of the deal?

Maybe the case would take my mind from it.

West Sussex. A local farmer had noticed his sheep behaving oddly, and on investigation, discovered a body in the middle of the field, in seemingly undisturbed grass. While looking around, police found the top half of an unlit match.

My mind ran over those words again as I looked through stacks of paperwork and through pictures. I rocked back and forth in a steady motion, trying to keep all of the stacks of paper straight.

Finally, I found the picture that I had been looking for. It was a picture of the victim, deeply hidden in the tall grass. Some of the grass had taken on a dark wine red. Lifeless hazel eyes stared back at me from the developed film. Red painted the milky skin of his cheeks. But I didn’t care about that at the moment.

I wouldn’t be able to examine the body myself, Light would have to do that for me. I had to make do with pictures and police reports. And in this picture, I wanted his hands. I had a perfect view of his left hand. His finger tips were stained yellow from tobacco, but his smoking habits didn’t interest me. On the side of his index finger was slight discoloration from bruising. One straight line. Purple and blue. It would fit the shape of a match. He had been holding it when he was killed. Holding it tightly.

I set the picture down and turned back to my computer to type on my list of known facts. I snatched up the loli from my tea, which never tasted like Watari’s, and captured it into my mouth.

That was one mystery solved. Onto the next.

According to the medical report , the cause of death had been general physical trauma. The middle aged man had crushed ribs, smashed jaw, and broken legs as well as the skull damage which had most likely finished him.

How had he received those injuries? The body was fresh. The medical findings had put his time of death just a few hours before the body had been found. How had the body ended up there? It wasn’t moved, there wasn’t an attacker. His injuries were those of a fall from a significant height and an impact in the earth. But in the middle of the field? That would explain why there were no drag marks through the grass.

But another thing that bothered me was that he had no personal effects on him. Not even a watch on his wrist. Where were his things? The clothes he had been wearing were those of a middle class man. He would have had a phone, a wallet, keys, even a pack of cigarettes.

Nothing else had been found other than the match. Not even the whole match. Just the tip. Unburnt. Where was the rest of the match?

I needed Light here. He needed to help me. I needed him to make the phone calls. People would be easier to receive answers from over the phone rather than on email. On the phone, they wouldn’t have a chance to rethink their thoughts. It was more likely I would get the truth than lies.

I would call myself, but Light our deal had been that if I needed to reach the outside world, he would do it for me. He had said that he was afraid of me being recognized. Though, I wasn’t sure how I would be. I had always been very careful with my identity. But Gregory had ruined a lot of trust that Light had with the world.

That was another reason I had hidden the death notes away. I knew that Gregory had set something off in Light. Something that he tried extremely hard to hide from me. Something that was immensely Kira. Kira would always be there in Light. I knew that. Kira would never go away. I often thought of Kira as a separate person, but Light and Kira were one in the same. It was just a matter of Light controlling himself. 

My mind continued on as I wrote up the questions I needed Light to ask police and medical officials when he came home. I needed to know his family connections. Did he have a wife and children? Did he have siblings? What was his line of work? Did it have to do with heights? How else could he have received the injuries? Had there been anything that was left from the police reports? Something that the media doesn’t know, possibly?

Maybe it was suicide. If it was, did he leave a note? Was he showing signs of depression? Was it stress from work? Was he having financial trouble?

But how did he get to the field if it was suicide? He would have had to flown. Which meant that he had to have something related to flying. A hot air balloon? A puddle jumper? A helicopter? If it was suicide, then where was the aircraft? It would have crashed somewhere. Near by. Someone would have surely noticed it.

Then maybe it wasn’t suicide? Maybe he was pushed?

I scratched my head at the thought. He would have had struggled. There would have been a fight. No one would jump from a height without some sort of safety precaution. I needed more pictures of his body. Were there more bruises other than on his fingers?

I needed Light here. There was too much that I needed done.

What time was it anyways? He should be home soon, shouldn’t he?

I glanced to the clock and felt my heart drop. Why did time pass so slowly when he wasn’t here? It had only been an hour and a half. He wouldn’t be home for at least another 45 minutes. What was I supposed to do until then? My other cases weren’t as difficult as this one was. Not that this one was difficult. It just required that I ask for help for something that I could do just fine on my own. But if I broke my side of the promise then I was no better. I just had to hope that Light was doing the same. 

Maybe I could just work on another case until then. I could finish those and email them off to the respective people. Shit, I also needed Light to pick up my mail. He usually did after his sessions, but I wanted them now. I wanted more cases! I wanted to be distracted.

I pulled up my email and dug through it until I found something that sounded interesting. A missing person’s case. In Paris. Maybe that would preoccupy me got the time being. 

I read over the the case several times before trying to put it together. It definitely made me think.

A brother and a sister, American, had gone to Paris to see the Pitchfork Music Festival, a four day event. They had arrived by plane, where the brother was present being seen leaving the airport on the security footage. They had arrived at the hotel and after dinner decided to go to bed because both were tired. Both retired to their separate rooms for the night.

The sister woke up and went down to breakfast, but her brother never showed up. She questioned the staff to see if her brother had already eaten instead of meeting at their agreed upon time.

The staff denied that her brother had ever showed up. She then went to ask the manager at the front desk, but the manager also denied ever seeing her brother. They insisted that she had come alone and even on the guest register only her name appeared on the check in date.

She told them about how her brother had been in room 13, but was informed that no room existed because 13 was an unlucky number. They showed her to the room between 12 and 14, but there was only a janitor’s closet.

Upon her brother not answering his phone, she went to the police who investigated, but found no trace of her brother. That’s when she had contacted L.

There were three possible conclusions. Either she really did arrive alone was mentally certifiable, she had disposed of her brother before the hotel, or the staff had made up the story.

But why would they?

What would be the point?

I typed my question into the search bar and pulled up several articles of the music festival. But none of them held any information that stuck out to me. So I broadened my search. News in Paris. Was there anything there?

One article piqued my interest and I opened it further. My eyes skimmed the page. This could be it. Strep throat. There had been a rather large outbreak in paris about a week before the festival. Could the brother have gotten sick? If left untreated, one could eventually die due to a high fever. 

Maybe it was a bit of a stretch. I had been wrong on rare occasions that were far and few between.

Maybe she was just insane. That would be a large lie to pull off. Hundreds of people would have to be in on it. But her brother was missing. He hadn’t been seen since he had gotten off the plane. The airport had been called and had footage of the young man landing and getting in a taxis with his sister. I wasn’t privy to the footage though. I would have to have Light call in a few favors.

But if he had gotten off the plan, then he had been there at one point. Maybe I could get video of the front entrance to the hotel. Then I would know if the brother made it from the airport to the hotel. If not then I could find the cab and see if the driver knew anything. Again, Light would have to help me.

But my theory was solid. If her brother had shone up and she wasn’t crazy, then he possibly could have gotten sick. I wasn’t sure how, but if he got sick, the hotel may have taken him to the hospital. I needed to check those hospitals closest to the hotel. But that still didn’t answer what had happened to the record of him and why didn’t the staff just tell the sister of her brother’s illness?

So many questions that could easily be answered if only I could use the telephone. If only I could have some form of contact with the outside world that didn’t involve computers or TV.

I didn’t like having to wait on Light. I didn’t like having to remind him to make the calls. I didn’t like pulling him away from his studies when he had been working so hard. I didn’t want to be dependent on Light. I was already so much of a burden to him...

“Stop,” I scolded myself aloud; the echoes of my voice filled the silent house oddly.

I couldn’t afford to think like that. It would just pull me back into a depression.

No. I had two interesting cases in front of me. One man’s “suicide” from an unknown aircraft and a missing brother who could have gotten sick or been disposed of on the way to the hotel.

I decided to read over both cases again to see if I had missed anything, any tiny detail.

But eventually my mind drifted to that shinigami. Ryuk. What had he wanted?

Give me the death notes, rang through my head.


	2. Unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t believe that we have reached that point in our...” I paused for a moment, searching for the words. “Relationship.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been rather sick lately and very very hopped up on every drug imaginable to function, so if it doesn't make sense, forgive me. Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend!

*Light's POV*

I returned the glass of water onto the desktop before me and rested back in my chair. Therapy had been more of an idea to make L relax. I didn’t really want to go and the first few sessions had been like pulling teeth. But things had slowly gotten easier. It was nice to have someone other than L to talk to every now and then. Someone who just listened rather than tried to solve everything for me in twenty different ways.

L would always and forever be the first person I would come to with my issues, but sometimes an outside opinion was just what was needed. It was the same thing with a case. Sometimes you needed a new pair of eyes to see if you had missed anything.

“So, how is school going?” Dr. Sutcliffe asked.

The doctor had the posture of a soldier. Every action she took was precise and purposeful. She smiled in the cold and distant way professionals do, as if her smile ran out faster than her morning coffee. I had never been able to relax around such expressions. I needed a genuine face, preferably a smile, but if not I'd really rather they didn't fake it; but it had become different with her. There was some personality behind the professionalism.

Her eyes were devoid of any make-up and her hair was in a tight bun, not a strand out of place. Not that she needed the makeup to begin with. Her clothes were perfectly set without so much as a wrinkle. I wasn’t sure how much ironing she did to make her clothes look fresh from the package.

She always had her legs crossed under her desk and was leaned back uncomfortably in her chair. She also had a pen or pencil that she kept in hand to make notes in her file, but its home was between her lipstick free lips, where she would chew on the ends of whatever she was using that day.

Her room at first had the same antibacterial feel that a hospital did, but I was able to catch her small ticks. She had a form of OCD. She didn’t mind if things were out of place and she didn’t click the light switch several times before exiting or entering a room, she was a clean freak. Everything had to be spotless.

The first time I had noticed it was our first meeting. She had poured me a cup of water and when she placed the pitcher back down, no more than a drop had splashed onto the desk top. I didn’t even notice until she pulled out a roll of paper towels from her desk and cleaned more than half of the surface of her desk with cleaner before she was satisfied.

Maybe that was why she was so highly recommended. She had something that made her just as messed up as her patients. I wasn’t sure she could match me, but she had her flaws.

“Fine,” I replied with a shrug. Her eyes didn’t leave my face, but her eyebrows rose indicating that she wanted me to elaborate. “I’m just getting ready for my finals.”

“Do you think you’re going to pass?” Every time she spoke the pen would leave her lips by a hair and then be returned in place.

“I am the top of the class. I am still number one in Japan.”

“That’s not what I asked, Light,” she pressed, her voice somehow kind behind her unchanging eyes.

“Of course I’ll pass,” I answered. How could I not pass? The test was so easy. No test had ever been terribly difficult to me. I had mostly just used the excuse of studying to stay away from my family.

“You don’t seem to be suffering from any anxiety.” 

“I don’t normally get anxious. I’ve had my fair share of situations that were a lot more uncomfortable than a test.”

“And what would those be?”

I’ve just killed hundreds of people, reduced the worlds crime rate, hid it all from the world famous detective L, got stabbed, watched him die, brought him back to life and told him everything. I can handle a few finals.

“I’ve been..” I paused, searching for the right words. “Mugged before and injured. I believe I should be able to handle exams.”

“Mugged?” she repeated, dropping her pen to her desk to write. I glanced down, but she wrote far too small for me to read it. “Was that traumatizing for you?”

I thought over the event. How the rain was a sheet of water that made it nearly impossible to see through. The searing pain that I didn’t notice at first until warmth had soaked my shirt. The coldness of L’s hands on me.

“It has its place, but it’s not the worse.”

She hummed thoughtfully and again lowered the pen to write something down. “Your English is getting better. I can tell you’re more confident.”

I gave a nod. She said the same thing every session. I wasn’t sure why. I guess my English had gotten better, but I didn’t think it was worth noting. A short silence followed while she waited for my answer, but I didn’t give it to her.

She cleared her throat and waited a bit more, but at my continued silence, she moved on. “You feel closed off today. Did anything happen?”

My eyebrows furrowed at the question. “No. Nothing has happened. It’s been very quiet in my life at the moment.” I licked my lips and reached for the glass of water at the sudden dryness in my mouth.

Her eyes sharpened as they looked over me. “Are you still having nightmares?”

I finished off the glass of water and caught some shock in her eyes. The glass was returned to the desk and I met her eyes for a moment. I gave a nod. “They’ve never really stopped.”

“And you still won’t tell me what they’re about?”

“I don’t believe that we have reached that point in our...” I paused for a moment, searching for the words. “Relationship.”

“Light, I think that these nightmares are a part of your withdrawals that can be stopped, but I need you to trust me enough to tell me.” She moved from her position to lean over her desk, covering my file up with her arms. The movement was odd. She never moved from that uncomfortable lean unless it was to shake my hand before or after the session. “You won’t even tell me what you’re addicted to. I have no proper way to help you.”

This was the most emotion I had heard in her voice before. She sounded truly frustrated and caring. Like she actually wanted to help me. But who could help me? Not even L could help me. I had done this to myself and I had to get myself out of it. And no one but Ryuk would understand, but I hadn’t seen him for months.

“Can you give me anything?” she tried again. “Anything at all to go on. Something to help you.”

What could I say to her that wouldn’t make me sound insane? What could I say to her that wouldn’t get me put away for the rest of my life. What I had was good. This time in my life had been the best that it had been for a long while. L was alive and I was with him. That was the best part. School was a good distraction and L’s cases were always interesting to work on. Watari was going to come out and visit soon. My parents would be here for my graduation. Everything was coming up roses.

“Please, Light.”

I licked my lips, carefully picking the next words that could possibly change my life. “I... I am addicted to...” What the hell could I say? “Taking advantage and hurting other people.” I closed my eyes tight. That came out way worse than I had meant it to. But it was better than the alternative murderer status.

“Oh.” Dr. Sutcliffe’s voice was soft. My eyes opened at the scratching of a pen on paper. She was writing as if she were running out of time. Before my eyes tiny scribbles filled the page. I desperately wanted to know what she was writing. What was she thinking? What was so important that she had to write a novel. “So,” she said as she finally sat back in her chair in her normal position, the pen returning to her lips. She tapped the pen against her lips a few times before she spoke again, breaking the tense silence between us.

“You have a God Complex, is what you’re telling me.”

I gave a confused look. I had never really put it in such a way. And thinking about actually putting a phrase to what I had made my head hurt. Or maybe I was getting a migraine. I had been getting those recently. Probably from my lack of sleep and how much studying I was doing.

“I suppose so.”

“And how does that affect your home life?”

“How do you mean?” I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. The lights were beginning to become a little too bright for my liking.

“How’s your relationship if your roommate?”

“It’s fine.” I shifted again, pressing several fingers to my temple that was beginning to pound.

“Are you alright?” she asked, her voice still the same. The concern was no longer present.

“Fine, fine. I’ve been getting headaches. Not enough sleep.”

“When did those start?” The sound of the pen was somehow magnified and echoed around my head.

“A few weeks ago.”

“Are you not sleeping because of your nightmares?”

“Yes.” I waved away the questions with my other hand and tried to sit back up right.

“Can I know more about your roommate, Light?”

“What do you want to know?”

This one was worse than some of the other ones that I had had. Noises caged me in pain. The lights blinded me and the room was spinning in such a way that it made me feel sick. It would pass though. It always did.

“What is he like? How old is he? Is he in school with you?”

“He’s...” I inhaled deeply through my teeth as my head gave another pound. “Umm...” It took a moment for me to gather my thoughts. “He’s odd in ways that are very difficult to understand.”

“Does that bother you?”

“No,” I replied, opening my eyes to meet hers. “Not anymore. It did when we first met.”

“Odd how? Can you explain?” she pushed, her voice lowering in level.

“Antisocial, extremely smart, has the largest sweet tooth I have ever seen.”

“And how old is he, Light?”

“He’s 27.” I squeezed my eyes shut again. I just wanted the room to be dark. Or to have a pair of sunglasses. Something, anything to make the lights stop shining.

“And is he in school with you?”

“No.” I slouched back in my chair and pressed my palms into my eyes until I saw dancing reds, blues, and silvers in geometric shapes. But that only made my stomach lurch even more.

“Can I get you anything Light?”

“No. Medicine doesn’t work.” It did in the beginning, but I must have become immune in some way. I just ended up taking more to make the pain pass and one day L caught me and took away the pills. The amount I was taking was going to kill me. He hadn’t let me touch the medicine since. He would always give me the correct amount when I needed any, but it was never enough to even take the edge off. I would just have to suffer through. “Would you mind just turning off the lights?”

From behind my palms I could hear Dr. Sutcliffe get from her chair and there was a small click. I lowered my hands from my face and slowly opened my adjusting eyes. That was better. So much better. Now I didn’t feel like I had steak knives being drilled into my head. There was more scratching as she wrote in my file.

“Does he work then?”

“Yes. He’s a detective.” Why was I being so honest with her? I would end up getting L in trouble. I would end up messing something up. I always did.

“So he’s in the same line of work as you.”

“Yes,” I nodded, but winced. I should have just kept my head as still as possible.

“And how did you two meet?”

Before I even had a chance to put together a lie, her watch beeped several times, signaling the end of our session. I raised hastily from my chair and rushed for the exist. “I’ll see you next week,” I called over my shoulder as I left, not even hearing her response before the door closed behind me. 

The sunlight was blinding as I stumbled to the car that was waiting to take me home. As soon as I was in the back seat, I pulled suit coat off and rested across the seat, placing my jacket over my face to block out as much light as I possibly could. This trip was going to be hell. I just had to focus on keeping the contents of my stomach within my stomach. I could do that. Mind over body.

The drive back home was long and painful. Even with pushing on pressure points that L could always find to help me, nothing did help. All it really did was make my hand fall asleep.

This couldn't have come at a worse time. L had mentioned a case. He would want my help as soon as I got home. He would want me to deal with people. And I still had to study. There were some things that I still didn’t remember. I could see the page in my head and could see the paragraph the answer was in, but the words that I wanted were blurred.

Maybe it was the pain, but the ride home was far shorter than I remembered it ever being. But soon I was climbing from the car in the afternoon light and heading to the door to the house that sat still among the open fields.

I entered as quietly as I could, making sure the door didn't slam behind me. The house was dark though and I was able to straighten up a bit before heading through the house to find L.

I stopped in the doorway at the sight of him. He looked like he had back in Japan. He sat on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest, typing away on his laptop. Around him were stacks upon stacks of papers and folders and in between that was an assortment of candy. I had learned that the more sugar he ate, the harder the case was. This one must have been difficult by the looks of it.

“I do need your help, Light,” he spoke out, his back to me. I winced at the noise, but slowly stepped forward, a hand holding up my head as I went. I picked up a rather daunting stack of paper and rested it on the other couch cousin so I could sit. L’s eyes never left his computer as he continued to type. “How was your session?”

“Fine,” I replied. I heard his fingers stop and knew I had done a horrible job hiding the pain in my voice. He looked over at me, tilting his head to the side.

“Another migraine?” he questioned, his thumb going to his lips.

“Yeah.” One word answers. That’s all I could get out. Otherwise my ears would ring.

“Lay down, Light. I’ll get you some stuff.”

I did as he said, moving papers out of the way and into neat stacks on the floor, doing my best not to mess anything up. Once I could lay down, I closed my eyes, rubbing the part of my head that was caving in.

I felt so helpless when I had migraines. I was its prisoner, caged in an eternity of pain. I was blinded with flashing colorful spots and craved darkness, quiet and stillness. Often the nausea would overwhelm me and I would vomit. Pain would throb so violently around my skull that I often wondered why it didn't just crack open. But today was different. Today was somehow worse. I hadn’t gotten sick yet, so that was nice, but my stomach twisted and turned violently within me.

L’s footsteps returned to the room and I could hear him moving about. He closed the curtains, then I could make out the click of his laptop. I couldn’t help but jump as his fingers came in contact with my cheek. The coolness of them was soothing.

“Please take these,” he whispered to me. I opened my eyes and was greeted with more darkness. He helped me up and forced a cup and pills into my hands. I took them, though I knew they would do nothing. L took the cup from me and set it somewhere on the floor, then sat on the couch. I rested down on his lap and closed my eyes again. “What do you need?” he asked me softly as his fingers worked on taking off my tie and unbuttoning the first few buttons.

I held out my arm to him and he took it in his grasp, his thumb pressing down on my forearm. I wanted to cry. It was a second of clarity. A moment of absolute freedom. It wouldn’t last long. Eventually the migraine would win out against the pressure point, but at the moment I had never been so grateful for the freedom of this pain.

I exhaled deeply, relaxing into the groves of his lap. I could feel the pulsing echo of the pounding headache that was being held at bay, but that didn’t matter. My mind was open.

“Tell me before it comes back,” I mumbled, enjoying the feeling of his cold fingers rubbing against my left temple.

“Shh,” he hushed. “You don’t need to worry over a case right now.”

“Please L,” I pushed.

He sighed deeply in the same way he did when he was trying to find the answer to a difficult question. After a few minutes of complete silence he told me about the two he was currently stuck on. I thought over them for a bit, the edges of pain beginning to come back. He was right. I would have to call people to get the information that he wanted.

Though that suicide didn’t sound like a suicide. There was no way the man could have done that on his own, if he had been in an airplane of some sort. Unless he did jump from a building and someone found his body and somehow moved it without leaving any trace in the field, then he had to have help. Or someone murdered him.

And the missing brother was another case entirely. I couldn’t exactly understand the leap that L had made between the brother being sick and that was why he disappeared. To me, until we saw the footage of both the airport and the hotel, that the sister had killed her brother, though I wasn’t sure on what her motive would be.

My eyes glanced around the room at all of the files everywhere. Why did he always like to work in the music room? I guess he did enjoy playing while he worked on hard cases. But it made the room feel less calming and more hectic. I guess he didn’t have the same amount of computers here as he did in Japan and had to make up for the lack of technology in some way, but the sight of the room was making me feel claustrophobic. 

I stopped on one stack that was very near the computer. The sight of it made me sit up. A hand went to my head as the room spinned, L’s fingers leaving my wrist and returning me to my previous pain. His hands tried to take my shoulders to force me back down, but I stood, using my free hand to push his away.

I stepped through the maze and to the picture that stood atop several manilla folders. It was a body on an autopsy table. He had a blue fabric covering his middle, his arms and legs left exposed. On one arm were scratches from fingernails. I knew whose nails.

I bent over and snatched up the picture, my head swimming. Through a watering gaze I could read what was written on the back in L’s rushed hand that alternated in lower and upper case.

Name: GreGorY MILLer

cause oF DeaTH: HearT aTTacK

QueSTIon: HoW Did THis OCCur?

AnsWer: THe DeaTH noTe

QueSTion: WHaT IS a DeaTH noTe?

AnsWer: A SHInIFamI's TooL

QueSTion: WHat Does IT Do?

AnsWer: KILL

QueSTion: How Does IT KILL?

AnSWer: UnKnoWn

 

I sighed and glanced back at L, who was quietly sitting on the couch with his knees to his chest. “You need to forget this,” I said in a soft voice so that it wouldn’t hurt my head. “It’s time to move on.”

“Move on,” L repeated, though he didn’t sound like he thought much about the words. There was a silence between us, his eyes blank as he stared back at me. He slowly rose to his feet and slid his hands into his pockets. “I can’t do that Light,” he said without hesitation. “None of what happened was natural. I need to understand.”

“What is there to understand?” I asked, my mind working hard to understand why he would care about any of this. It was in the past. It was behind us. It didn’t affect us anymore.

What a lie. So effortless to think, smooth and easy like butter running down toast. But there was no way this was easy. This was complicated. This was why were in another country, speaking another language, and living as far off the grid as someone can without being completely isolated.

“I need to-”

“Need to what?” I demanded, my anger a little on the short side.

“I have to know Light,” L replied, his voice very gentle. I wasn’t sure if it was for my migraine’s sake, but it just pissed me off a little bit more. “I was dead.”

“Your point?”

“My heart stopped Light! People just don’t come back!” His voice had rose now and I winced.

“Yes, they do.”

“Not after months of being buried!”

“Do we need to have this conversation now?” I asked, glancing back down at the picture in my hand.

“We can’t keep putting this off.” There were delicate footsteps as L wandered over to me through all the paperwork. “We need to talk about it. I need more than this eraser brought you back.”

He came to stand in front of me, his hair covering part of his face, his eyes shining through the dimness of the room. He was slouched to my height, keeping himself close to me.

I couldn't help but reach out with my hand and rest it against his cheek. His eyes slid closed as he rested into my touch. It had been a while since we had been this close. We slept beside each other and cuddled on the couch playing late night chess, but this connection was different. This connection didn't need words, just the touch. Just the feel. The closeness.

“Lawliet,” I whispered, the photograph falling from my hand so that I could take his other cheek in my now free hand. I pulled him closer so that I could rest my pounding forehead against his.

I didn't use his name often. His name was not meant to be an everyday occurrence. His name was for moments like this.

My words choked in the back of my throat as tears filled my eyes. I quickly closed my eyes as if I could somehow capture the tears and hold them there.

“I know this is hard for you,” I got out, my fingers tangling into his hair. “I know this isn't what we imagined, but-”

“I'm not supposed to be here, Light,” L pushed, his frigid fingertips taking mine and holding them tightly. “You know that.”

I shook my head, feeling my knees go weak from the dizziness the movement created. “Don't say that.” It was hard to speak through the dryness that was clogging my throat and filling my mouth. “Don't say that.”

“Light, this is wrong,” L continued on, stepping so close to me that I could feel his toes resting on the tips of my shoes. I shook my head against his again, moaning lightly at the rolling pain in my skull.

“No,” I argued. “You belong here. The world needs you. I...” I trailed off, breathing hard. “I need you. I wasn't about to lose you.”

“Light, what happened?”

“I told you.” My words were no louder than a whisper. “I erased your name from the death note and you came back. What else would you like me to say?”

“Light,” L sighed, trying to pull away, but one of my hands swiftly took to the small of his back and held him in place.

I needed him. He couldn't leave me. I was so unsteady. L kept me sane. L kept me safe. L was my everything. I had to have him. I couldn't live without him and I wasn't about to try.

“Don't go.” They were broken, pathetic words. But they were the only ones I could manage.

L’s fingers brushed over my skin, trembling. His body shook as it fell against mine, exhausted. Before I could open my eyes, his lips were pressed against mine.

I stood still without the strength to move. My shaky fingers finally came to a stop after relentlessly combing through L’s hair. This was not going to help. This was not going to change anything. How do you make something not a big deal when it is one? We had both been acting like everything was alright, when we both knew it wasn’t. It was as if we were stuck in a nightmare that someone else imagined.

With the small amount of strength I could manage, I swept L’s feet from the floor and carried him through the music room and up the stairs. That was enough for tonight. We could have this conversation another night. Like always. Another night, just somewhere down the road.

We would eventually reach it, but it would take a long time if I could help it. I didn't know how these things worked, so how was I supposed to explain it to L? I couldn't even tell him the price to bring him back. He would hate that.

And if this continued kiss said anything, anything at all, it was that L didn't want this yet. It was to stop us both before we hurt each other. Before we destroyed the little pieces of normal that we had somehow collected.

I pushed open the door to our room with my foot, making my way to the bed. I rested L down onto the white bed spread, looking down at his flushed face.

His sleepless eyes stared back at me, keeping me in place. They held something in them that I couldn't exactly describe. But they had a touch of sadness to them.

This wasn’t the life he had wanted. This wasn’t the right choice. I had made a mistake. He had wanted to stay dead. I could feel it in the way he lived. I should never have brought him back. But I couldn’t stand the thought of living without him.

L forgave me though. Or, at least I thought I felt like he did. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe I was thinking far too much over this. Maybe...

I leaned forward and captured his lips again, climbing over him. He didn’t seem to mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unsteady- Chase Holfelder


	3. A Beautiful Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I was sure he was gone, I pushed over to his computer, pulling up his history. I didn't trust him. I didn't believe his story. Him having the death note would be the only thing that made any sense.

“Fuck,” Light grumbled as his phone rang for the upteenth time that day. He stood from the desk where our chess board was laid out with homework and cases, snatching his phone from the desk and walking away. “Hi dad,” he said in as happy a voice as he could fake.

It was so easy though. The way he could just hide his feelings away behind a mask. I still had the uneasy feeling that he was still keeping things from me though. Some small part of me that was always trying to see through Light. Some part of the old me that still lingered. For some reason, I couldn’t let it go. I would forever be suspicious of Light.

“No. I haven’t heard anything new on the Kira case.”

I paused in my typing to listen more closely to the conversation that was occurring just outside of the door. So the police force in Japan was still working on the case, though it had gone cold several months back.

“That’s not possible.”

My eyebrows furrowed at the words that Light spoke. What was impossible?

“Yeah. I’ll look into it. Sure.”

Did something new happen with the Kira case? Was it possible that someone else had a deathnote? Was it another one of Ryuk’s tricks? Light had informed me that he knew of one other shinigami aside from Nen. Rem. But that he hadn’t seen that shinigami since he had last seen Misa.

“Tell mom and Sayu I said hi. Ok. Bye dad.”

I waited patiently for Light to return to the room, but he didn’t. Instead I could hear the keys of another phone number being called. The hallway was silent for a moment, before Light’s voice came again.

“Misa, how are you?”

I felt my nose scrunch up at the name. Why did she still give me pangs of jealousy whenever her name was mentioned? It’s not like Light had ever liked her much. She had just been there to help him with the death notes. I didn’t need him to tell me that to know it. I had known it for a long while.

“Listen, you haven’t been doing anything illegal lately have you?”

There was something wrong. Someone was killing again. Someone was becoming another Kira. Was it Misa?

I turned in my chair, back to my computer and pulled up news stories in Japan and came across one that made me stop. It was an article that had one jail in Japan listened as the return of Kira. Almost half of the inmates had died of heart attacks at exactly 10 PM two nights ago. Why hadn’t I heard about this? I needed to do something. I needed to call Yagami-san.

My hand reached for my pocket where my phone was, but I stopped myself. I was dead. God, this made things so inconvenient. I could never get anything done that I needed to. But I could call Watari. He would be able to get ahold of Japan’s police for me.

“Thank you Misa. Yes, I miss you too. I got to go. Bye.”

I glanced back over my shoulder as Light entered the room. “I’m not sure what to say,” Light mumbled as he took his chair beside mine. My eyes glanced over him, taking in his posture. Taking in everything that might give him away. He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Please don’t give me that look. I didn’t do it.” My gaze on him sharpened and he quickly looked away from me and at the article that I had on my computer screen. “Misa said that she didn’t know what I was talking about. She gave up ownership of her death note. It’s not her.”

“Who else does that leave, Light?” I asked with a deep breath. Gregory was dead, and even though Miranda survived, we had Nen’s death note. And she most likely wouldn’t be going near another shinigami any time soon.

“You won't believe me this once?” Light questioned, turning away from me. “I don’t even know where you put them. I’m doing my best. I’m in therapy. I’m going to school. I haven’t seen Ryuk since that night that we all spoke together. It might be hard, but I haven’t thought about killing anyone for a long time. L, it wasn’t me.”

How could I believe him? I had put all of my trust in him and then this happened. He was a compulsive liar. He was a murderer. He was two completely different people when he had the death note. What was I supposed to believe anymore? How could I believe him anymore? We had agreed on one chance. This was it.

But for some reason, I couldn’t form the words that I wanted. I couldn’t say the rejection that was going through my head. “This once Light, I will believe you.” What was I saying? What was wrong with me? I just... cared about him too much. I still couldn’t believe that this man before me was a killer. He was so kind and loving and gentle. How could someone like him be a monster?

Light turned to face me, shock on his face. But it slowly turned into a slight relieved smile. Or, at least that was what I thought it was. His hand took mine and gave it a small squeeze that I took to mean thank you, before he moved a piece on the chessboard and returned to his homework.

“Light, what did your father have to say?” I questioned, using my foot to turn his chair back to face me.

“He just talked about the article that you have up and asked if I could look into it. Which means you need to look into it.” He tried to turn back in his chair, but my foot stopped him.

“Light,” I said softly. “Is there something that you’re not telling me?”

“No,” he said defensively.

“Your father wanted nothing else?”

“He wanted me to go home, but I have finals and I can’t leave you.” Light rested back in his chair, loosening his tie. “He wants me to slove this case, because I am the only one he thinks can replace you.”

“Are you going to go?” I reached out for my tea, but Light caught my hand, bringing my eyes back to him.

“No. We can work on it from here. Not to mention that we have so much else to do. We'll just...” Light sighed. “Add it to the pile.”

“Have you called those places I asked you to call yet?” I questioned. I really needed to finish up these cases.

Light groaned and placed his head in his hands. “No. I'm sorry. I'll do that right now.” Light grabbed his phone and took the sticky note that was on the screen of his computer and raced from the room.

When I was sure he was gone, I pushed over to his computer, pulling up his history. I didn't trust him. I didn't believe his story. Him having the death note would be the only thing that made any sense.

But there was nothing that would suggest that he had been searching for information on the internet.

Ryuk. That would be my next route. He had given Light something to use. He had another death note. Or he gave Light a page of the death note. He did something. That was the only way that this could work.

“Yeah, give me a moment to write it down,” Light said, racing back towards the room. I closed out the tab and pushed back to my computer, moving a chess piece as Light walked back. “Alright. Go ahead.”

Light lowered the phone and put it on speaker so that I could hear what the man was saying on the other side. I quickly pulled up a blank document so that I could type up what was being said.

“What is it you want to know?” the voice on the line said.

“What was Jimmy’s family life like before he was found?” Light asked.

I moved closer so that I could hear better. This was about the body found in the middle of the field. I had so many questions that I had given Light. It was driving me crazy that I couldn’t ask them myself. That I was trapped. That I was stuck in this hell hole, away from everything and everyone. I couldn’t even get my favorite strawberry cake. This wasn’t what I wanted. I thought I could make it work, but I would slowly go crazy.

“He had a wife and two children who are under the age of ten. He also had a brother who lived with them. The wife said that he was going through a divorce and was trying to get back on his feet.”

“And how was their financial status?” Light leaned against the desk, watching as I typed up the words that were being said.

“Things were supposedly tight, but they were making it work. They had just bought a new house and had taking out a life insurance plan.”

“A life insurance plan?” Light asked for me as I opened my mouth to speak. I really needed to learn to keep quiet, but I felt so out of control.

“Yes, his job made his wife uneasy.”

“What was his occupation?” Light questioned, his eyes on my face. I did my best to ignore them. He wasn’t what I needed to focus on right now. It was the man on the other side of the phone.

“He was a minor,” was the reply.

Light was quiet for a moment, rubbing the bridge of his nose with a sigh. “Was he showing any signs of depression? Was work becoming too much for him?”

“No.” I could make out a shuffling of papers on the other side of the line. “His wife said that he loved his work and that he had been happy because he had gotten a promotion.”

Promotion? No one would commit suicide after a depression. Maybe this wasn't a suicide. Maybe he was murdered. But that still didn’t explain how he had gotten into the field.

“And what about his health?” Light continued, going down the small list that was on another sticky note on his computer.

“Other than his smoking habits, he was very healthy. He was a very heavy smoker, but I believe he still had a good, long life ahead of him.” There was more ruffling of papers on the other side of the line and I typed up everything that he said.

“Did the police ever find a note from the husband?” Light asked again.

‘There was a note recovered. I can send you a picture to your email. But the handwriting is different from the husbands. At the moment the police believe that the note was written by his brother, but they aren’t completely positive.”

“Did they-” Light stopped as I pointed to a different question on the list before returning to my typing. Light picked up the sticky note, reading over the question. The man on the other side of the line waited patiently for Light to continue. “What is the brother’s occupation?”

“I have been told that he is recently unemployed, but he used to fly small aircraft for a farmer out of town.”

“He knows how to pilot a plane?” Light questioned, looking up at me.

“They would be just small, two person planes, but yes.”

Before I could open my mouth to speak, Light began to talk. “I need the phone number for the employer, please.” Light snatched up a pen and began scribbling down the number he received from the voice. 

The brother did it. The was blatantly obvious. Why had the police not made the connection? We just had to call the farmer and get the logs for the flights that were taken. There would be logs. The farmer would be an idiot if there weren’t logs. And then once we find the plane, we needed to search it.

And I needed to see that note. Needed to see what the dead man had supposedly said. And then I needed to talk to the brother. I could do that on my own, couldn’t I? It would be so much easier.

My eyes glanced to Light who was continuing in his writing down of the information that was being received. I would just wait for him to go to school and then I would get a hold of the brother over the phone. It would just be one time.

I couldn’t do that to Light. He had been keeping his promise. Hadn’t he? Damn it, Light. Why did you get us into this position? Why did you have to touch that god fucking death note? Why did you have to kill people? Why did you have to....

But I couldn't be completely upset. If he had never touched the death note then maybe we would have never met. I wouldn’t have him in my life. I wouldn’t have someone who loved me. Who showed me things that I didn’t understand. Someone who made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Someone who understood and didn’t make me feel like I was dealing with a child.

But then... We also wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be trapped in this cage. I wouldn’t be stuck in an endless hallway that lead to nowhere. Why the fuck did you have to touch it? Why couldn’t you just leave it alone, Light? Why?

“I’ll call the employer now,” Light said, breaking through my train of thought. He put the phone back to his ear and I had to mentally kick myself for not hearing the end of the conversation. I could go back and find it, but I didn’t want to think about that at the moment. I needed to pay attention to this phone call at the moment. “Hello, Mr. Jones. My name is Light Yagami. I work for the metropolitan police. I have a few questions about your former employee, Mr. Williams.”

“Oh yes. Didn’t his brother just die? Sad, isn’t it? Anyways, what can I do for you?” came the voice of an older man. His voice was kind and reminded me of Watari’s. Wise and unjudging.

“How long did Mr. Williams work for you?”

“Jeffery? Hmm... Let’s see,” Jones replied. I rolled my eyes. Old people were almost worse than children. They were so slow at everything they did. “Almost eleven years.”

“And was his work ever dissatisfactory?” Light glanced back at me and gave a nod toward my computer where I quickly took to typing again.

“You know, I can only think of once where he did something that I didn’t like. He came in drunk one day. I wouldn’t let him fly and he got very upset, saying all sorts of things that didn’t make a lick of sense.”

“What sort of things?” Light questioned.

Light was very good at his job. He always knew what things to ask and how to get the information that I needed without me having to tell him what to do. He was perfectly cut out for the job of a detective, and his knack for puzzle solving was truly amazing. He was almost as quick as me. A smile came to my face at the thought. Almost.

“He said something about coming between his brother and his sister in law. It sounded like he was fooling around to me, but these old ears don’t hear as well as they used to.” Jones gave a laugh on the other side of the line. It was like I could hear the wrinkles in it.

“Mr. Williams was having an affair with the wife,” Light whispered, his hand going to his head. “Mr. Jones, is there any way that we can have a copy of the logs for the flights that take place?”

“Is there a specific date that you had in mind? I have the list in front of me.”

“Last Tuesday and Wednesday.”

There was a pause and rustling on the line. “Plane 243 was used Tuesday night, at about 8 pm by Jeffery.”

“Is it normal for the planes to be used so late?” Light was rubbing the bridge of his nose now. Maybe he was stressed. I really should be able to take care of these cases alone. He should only be focusing on school. It wasn’t fair.

“For watering the crop, yes. We try to do it later in the evening to save water,” the old man said, giving a muffled cough when he had finished.

“Did it say where he took the plane?” Light asked, running his fingers through his hair, before taking a handful and pulling it rather roughly. I gave a confused look, but stayed silent.

“Just to the barley fields.”

“I have one more question for you, if that is alright.”

“Sure it is.”

“Did Jeffery give a reason as to why he quit?”

“I can’t say he did,” Jones responded. I sighed. There should have been something there. “I figured it was due to the loss of his brother. I didn’t push it though. It was a-a difficult time for them.”

“Of course. I understand.” There was a pause and the room fell silent. My typing stopped and I glanced over to see Light with his hand to his forehead and his eyes squeezed shut. Another migraine? These were starting to become concerning. He had them daily. It was like they never truly ended. “One more thing. Someone from the police department will be getting a hold of you soon. I believe they will have some more questions for you.”

“Anything I can do to help. Bye.”

“Goodbye, Mr. Jones.”

Light hung up and lowered his head to the desktop. “We need to search the plane that he used. I’ll get in touch with Scotland Yard and set up a search. Maybe the rest of the match is in the plane. Who knows.”

“The rest of the...” I trailed off. I had completely forgotten about the rest of the match. But Light was correct. If the rest of the match was found in the plane, then that would mean that our dead man had been on the plane on Tuesday night. “I see.”

Light glanced up at me through his hair, pain in his eyes. I hesitantly reached out to him and rubbed his head. “How much more homework do you have?” I asked softly.

“I need to finish this essay,” he replied, his eyes sliding shut at the contact.

“When is it due?”

“Friday.”

“Go to bed.” Light sat up at my words, shaking his head. He was so stubborn. It was impossible to get him to do anything. “I mean it Light. Go to bed. I’ll bring you some medicine in a few minutes.”

He gave a sigh, but slowly rose to his feet and left the room without a word, his hand playing with the watch that sat on his wrist. That was worth noting. He never played with his watch. The only time h ever did anything with it was to take it off to shower or go to bed. I had never seen him even adjust it before.

His father did give it to him. Maybe he was just missing home again. The last week or so hadn’t been easy on either of us. We just kept ignoring everything that we should have been working on. Maybe that was why. I would have to ask him about it.

Once I was sure that Light was gone, I got to my feet. We only used this room when we both had to work. Otherwise Light did his homework in our bedroom. This meant that I was with Light whenever we were in here. It wasn’t somewhere he went alone. Which meant that I could hide the death notes in here.

They were taped to the underside of the couch. We never used the couch. It was the only place that I would think of keeping them where he wouldn’t think to look. I went to the couch and got down onto my knees, feeling into the small space. They were both there and the tape wasn’t coming up. He hadn’t found them. That was good. But I really needed to get them out of the house eventually. Maybe I could send them with Watari when he came for his visit.

No. That wouldn’t work. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him, I just... Didn’t trust him. The thought was strange as it entered my head. I got to my feet and sighed. I was the only one who I could trust with this. This was Light’s life on the line. This was my life on the line. I was the one that needed to protect the both of us.

Light would be wondering where I was.I needed to head up to the bedroom. It wasn’t incredibly late, but we could just talk. We didn’t need anything else. We had each other and our minds. We would never really be lonely. We had each other’s company. That sounded like a better relationship than most. Besides, we cared for each other. And we understood each other more than anyone else ever had. 

I left the room, closing the door behind me. But when I turned around a pair of yellow eyes made me jump. Sharp teeth greeted me with a smile under dark blue lips. There was a laugh from the shinigami as a hand when to my chest where my racing heart pounded.

“Have you thought about our deal?” he asked, cocking his head to the side and looking curiously at me.

“I’m not interested,” I replied, out of breath. I straightened up and began down the hallway to the stairs. 

“You still don’t want to know what the other half of the deal is?”

“I don’t want to know.” I paused at the foot of the stairs and glanced over my shoulder at Ryuk. “I do have something that I want to discuss with you though.”

“Really? Interesting,” Ryuk hummed. His body was hunched over more than normal so that he could fit into the not so accommodating hallway. It was a bit funny to be honest, but I kept the thought to myself.

“More Kira killings have started in Japan. Is it Light?”

There was another hum and the shinigami put on a show of pretending to think. After a moment, his eyes met mine. “And what will happen if I say yes?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Beautiful Lie- 30 Seconds to Mars
> 
> Sorry the update was a bit late. Had a super long weekend. Hope you all enjoy and have a wonderful rest of your week!


	4. Breaking The Habit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was my death note. It was the death note that I had possession of. The death note that I had used to kill so many people. My beloved death note.

*Light's POV*

My fingers pulled the crown on my watch four times and the compartment under the face popped out revealing a piece of lined paper and a sewing needle. The small square of paper was blank, waiting. Just begging me to use it. It was the only piece of the death note that I still had. And I had forgotten about it until my father had called. But now it loomed over me.

I itched with want. I almost wanted to risk it. I craved to feel that freedom that had come with the adrenaline. I wanted to feel that strength. I needed to reach out for that invitation. I missed it. I missed the puzzles and the games and the chase. I missed the secrets and the lies and the power. The life I had within my reach. I could choose their destiny with just a few letters. I could reign supreme over a world that I designed. A world where everyone-

"How are you feeling?" L's voice tore me from the watch and to the doorway that the detective was entering.

I swiftly shut the small compartment and sat up, but the dizziness of my migraine came flooding in and I lied back down. These migraines fucking sucked. They put me out of commission. All I wanted to do was finish my homework and continue playing chess with L.

I groaned, the palms of my hands digging into my eyes until I saw shapes. Maybe I was too stressed. I wasn't sure what else would be causing my migraines. I drank plenty of water and my eating habits hadn't changed. That would explain my nightmares. And my sleeping patterns may be the the cause of my migraines.

"I will take that as not good," L's voice said to me.

I removed my hands from my eyes and when my eyes could focus I was greeted with darkness. The only light in the room was the moon from the open french windows, where the lace curtains blew gently in the wind.

"Light, I..." L trailed off and I found him sitting at the end of the bed, feet pulled up and back to me. I gave a curious look. There was something on his mind. Granted, there was always something on his mind, but he was bothered. "I really, really need the truth from you. If there was ever a moment for you to tell me the absolute and perfect truth, it would be now."

My eyebrows furrowed together at the words. "Alright. What is it?" I had never heard him like this before. His voice was dripping with unwilling skepticism. What was it that he wanted from me? He had never asked me for much, but what if it was something that I didn't have? I did my best to give him everything I could under the stars, the truth was the least I could give him now.

"I love you."

I didn't like this. Those words were uncommon for L. It was much like his name. The words just weren't said. And I doubt he had ever heard them much before me. Not even from his parents. I didn't know much about his family, but the small amount that I did know was enough for me to understand that his parents weren't affectionate in the slightest.

"I love you too," I replied softly. "Is everything alright?" I forced myself to sit up, the crushing pain in my head coming and going in rapid waves. It made my eyes water, but I got to the edge of the bed where I could sit beside the detective. My detective.

His voice was muffled as he spoke. "You promise me you haven't been using the death notes to kill more people?" L didn't look over at me. He kept his face hidden in his knees. "Please promise me that you haven't killed anyone else."

Did he still not believe me? He had every reason not to believe me, but... I had no idea where the death notes were. All I had was this small little piece of paper in my watch, not that I would let him know. Maybe I should let him know. Maybe that would make him trust me a little bit more. And it would get rid of the temptation.

"I promise," I finally said. "I don't know where you put the death notes, and I haven't killed a person since your death."

"Thank you Light," he whispered, lifting his head up enough so he could glance at me through his charcoal hair.

Silence fell in around us. I needed to tell him. He needed to know. If I wanted this to work between us, I needed to give everything that I was and am over to him. I owed him that much. I gave a sigh, causing L to sit up a little bit more, his dark eyes calculating.

"I need to tell you something, and I beg you to understand what I am about to say," I muttered. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I wanted this scrap of paper. This scrap of paper would give me anything in the whole world that I wanted. All I needed was a name. L was quiet, looking over me carefully, thumb to his lips in thought. "I forgot that I had it until just a bit ago. And if you want complete honesty between us, then I need you to know."

I held out my wrist to him that had my watch upon it and once I was sure he could see, I pulled on the crown to release the small holder within the watch. From it I pulled the tattered paper and the needle, handing them to his now open hand.

He looked at the items with a sense of anger, though whether it was for me or not, I wasn't sure. But he closed his hand around the items and exhaled deeply.

"Thank you Light." His voice was tense. He got to his feet but placed a hand to my shoulder when I tried to follow. "I'll only be a moment. Let's make sure that this is out of reach."

With that L left the room. I rested back down on the bed, my feet hanging off the edge. I wanted to take it back. I should never have said anything.

I wanted that paper! Just one name and then maybe I would be ok. Just once. God, I just wanted to make the migraines and nightmares go away. If I could write one name, I was positive they would. And I would be careful. I would pick the perfect name. I would study and plan it out. I would make sure the name I picked counted for something.

"What did you do with it?" I asked at footsteps.

"Burned it," L replied, coming into view at the foot of the bed. "You don't need that around." L glanced around the room in silence before he turned back to me. "Did you want to go to sleep?" I gave a small shrug. The lights being out was making my migraine manageable. "Do you mind if I continue working?"

"No."

L left the room again and returned with his laptop and a small handful of folders. He took to his side of the bed, setting up the way he did when we were back in Japan.

I changed before climbing back into bed and taking my side. I rested on my chest, arms under my pillow for more support, watching L type while reaching to the bedside table where something sweet was. I moved a little closer, my hand reaching out to take the hem of his jeans. He abruptly stopped his typing, startled by the movement.

A blush came to his cheeks, somehow very visible in the computer screen brightness. He was always interesting to watch when I did small things like this. And I had two theories as to why he acted that way. Either he had completely forgotten that I was there and I had genuinely startled him. Or, he still wasn't used to the affection. I wanted to believe the latter.

He ran a hand through my hair before returning to his work. The sight of him made me almost miss the chains that used to hold us together. The cuffs had become a form of comfort and familiarity over time. They meant that L was always right beside me.

There was a comfortable silence between us. I breathed in the silence through every pore, soothed by its meditative quality and I am quickly drunk off of it, dowsing my mind in thick toxicity.

As the time passed, I notice that the usefulness of my thoughts had left long ago. Through the silence, I thought I could hear the light babbling of the brook out in the field, other than that only the typing of keys and our rhythmic breathing filled the air.

 

-It's a mental ward. I'm not sure how I know, but the way the walls and ceiling gleam with antiseptic white just give me an uneasy feeling. How did I get here? Did I finally snap? Had L put me here? Or had I finally been caught? Could L no longer protect me? Was this the best he could do? Claim insanity so that I could live?

I strain against the black polyester with every ounce of strength I have and still can't budge. Why am I trying to escape? I haven't even told my body to move yet. But I still try. I still push with all my might to be free.

My back hurts right from the the base of my neck and down to my tail bone. Saliva is polling in the back of my mouth despite how dry it feels.

The staff is gone. I am alone. My heart is pounding in my ears, ready to explode. My eyes scan left and right for signs of someone coming to help me. Help me do what, I'm not sure. But there's no one.

Worn green curtains hang limp on flaking chromes rings and through the gap, passers by pay me no attention at all. In the distance a cheap analogue clock ticks loudly on a nearby wall, each second marked.

I need to turn, I need to swallow and mindless squirming won't help- so I think. The solution comes easily. I turn in the thumb of my right hand, fold it in as flat as possible and pull, not caring if it dislocates. My hand comes right out. Then I do the same with the left. Even with two hands free it isn't enough, I can't turn. If I sit up I may be caught and re-tied too tight for this little trick to work a second time. I point my right foot so hard the muscles become painful and I twist it until it is free, but my left is bound too tight. I twist, some relief for my back and easier to swallow.

A nurse comes and says "Oh, I see they untied you." I agree and manage a staged smile, she unstraps my last leg and I turn to my side. I'm sure I should be out of here by now, but I'm scared of the "professional care" that leaves me scarred on the inside.

The bleach tinctured ward fades. No longer is the door open, no bright light comes from the hallway. Instead there is a single spiral staircase. A light bulb shines overhead, and it's the only light in the whole place. It's dim and only shows me the staircase in its flickering.

Is this a way out? There's nowhere else to go. I place a foot on the bottom step and immediately the light shuts off and I'm left in utter darkness. But the moment I take my foot from the step, the light returns to its flickering. I only have two choices, to get pack in my place or walk to the next floor in this darkness. Do I take the chance?

With a deep breath, I place my foot on the step and push myself up, climbing in the darkness. It feels like it takes a lifetime to reach the top, but when I do I greet the same flickering light, on the same landing, with the same chipping yellow painted spiral staircase.

This isn't right. There has to be a way out. But after thousands of attempts at escaping this place, I've finally chosen the wiser way - to stand still under that night and wait for this nightmare to be over. I don't know how I know this is a nightmare, but every time I have it, I know that it's not reality.  
I take a few deep breaths trying to make myself comfortable in there while I wait to wake up. The light slowly moves from me to a door a few feet to my right. She steps out and slowly walks to me. She'd be just an ordinary woman if she hadn't shown up before in my other nightmares. I step on the stairs and the light goes out immediately, and I hope she can't get me either as long as that light doesn't get me.-

 

 

I inhaled deeply, my eyes fluttering open. Sweat held me to the bed as my heart danced madly in my chest. A soft glow filled the room from the open laptop beside me. I glanced over at L who was typing away in the same position he had been when I had fallen asleep. He didn't even seem to notice that I had woken.

His movements were robotic, programmed. He reached for square of orange chocolate from a bag, placed it between his lips where his tongue pulled it in the rest of the way so that his hand could return to the keyboard. He had really taken to the candy here. They said they reminded him of when he was a child, but that none would compare to the cake in Japan.

With a sigh, I rolled over so I was slightly closer to L. I snatched his shirt and pulled myself closer to him, as if I needed his warmth. As if I needed his comfort. As if I needed his attention, which he so easily gave me once he knew I was awake.

Broken from programming, his hands left the keyboard and his eyes turned down to me. The dark irises were blank for a moment, still lost in his work, but soon the sun returned to them. His head tipped to the side and one of his hands reached out to me.

His fingertips brushed against my cheek and I nuzzled against him, his touch slowing my heart's trembling. His next movements were silent. The laptop closed and the files were discarded before he returned to me.

"Nightmare?" he whispered as he moved down to lay beside me.

"Yeah," I replied in as soft a voice. I pressed my face into his arm, both of my hands snatching up one of his.

"I'm sorry I didn't wake you. You weren't moving or making any noise." I shrugged and nestled my face as far as I could into his arm. "Do you want to talk about it?" he questioned, pulling his hand from mine. I gave a small grunt in protest, but he quickly wrapped his arm around me so I could move closer to him. I hid my face in his chest, inhaling deeply. His scent relaxed my muscles, but I still clutched to the fabric under my fingers. "Light?"

"It was the staircase again," I replied.

"I see." I knew what he was going to do. He was going to try to reason. It had to mean something if it was reoccurring. "A staircase could symbolize that-" he broke off at a yawn from me. He clutched me closer to him and I couldn't bring myself to fight. I was feeling heavy with sleep again. "Would you like to go downstairs? I'll play for you until-"

"Don't you fucking move," I found myself saying before I could stop myself. As much as I enjoyed his music after a nightmare, I just wanted him at the moment. His physical presence restrained me and kept me in this bed. It didn't let me return to that staircase and to that woman who I saw far more often than I would ever admit to L.

"Alright, alright." I didn't like the way he said that. It had a hint of annoyance in it, like all he wanted to do was get back to work and I was stopping him. But I was too tired to care. I was being dragged under. "Get some sleep, Light."  
***  
I woke to the light snoring of L, who was curled up around a pillow in as small a position as he could get in. The paleness of his skin made the dark bags under his eyes looked permanently etched on his face. I felt bad. Insomnia would always be his friend. Just like Ryuk would be mine. They weren't wanted, but they would be there in the end.

I glanced at the clock and sighed. It was pretty early. Maybe... I could make breakfast. Maybe that would make L happy. He had been down lately. It hadn't been hard to see. He was working, but he wasn't motivated. Maybe this would help.

I got from the bed and quietly left the room. The coldness of the floor burned through my socks, but soon I grew used to the feeling. I walked past the music room that was spotless despite the amount of work that L had been doing. It looked calm and peaceful again.

I moved into the kitchen and dug through the cupboards to see what there was to make. Something sweet. That was obvious. L would eat whatever I made, but he wouldn't like it. Not that he would say anything against it.

Watari had made pancakes once and L had eaten them with what must have been a full bottle of syrup. Maybe I could make them. It wouldn't be that difficult. I was a decent cook. I just needed to find a recipe.

I snatched my phone from my pocket and looked up one that looked easy enough, then went about finding the ingredients. The fridge was well stocked with food, as was the pantry. How was it always so full. I didn't go shopping very often. Maybe L had our driver, the only other person who knew that we lived here and was picked by Watari and L, go pick up groceries. I would have to ask.

Once I had gotten everything, I went to get a bowl, but came to a sudden stop. It was as if the world had quit turning. Everything was standing still. On the counter, resting against the bowl of fruit was a black leather note book with the English letters in white spelling Death Note.

It was my death note. It was the death note that I had possession of. The death note that I had used to kill so many people. My beloved death note.

Why was it here? L had hidden it. Had he left it out? No, that wouldn't make any sense. Why on earth would he leave this out in the open? Maybe it was a test? Maybe he was watching. Was this really what he wanted? Or... was it someone else?

"Ryuk?" I said, my voice no more than a whisper. It had to be him. Who else would do this? "Ryuk?" I called a little louder, glancing around the kitchen, but I was alone. My heart picked up it's pace as I raced from the kitchen and looked into the next closest room. Empty as well. "Ryuk!"

But whatever room I searched, he wasn't there. No where. Not even his airy laugh greeted me. With a deep sigh, a feeling of... disappointment filled my chest. Why did I want to see the shinigami? Maybe he was just something familiar. Something from my past that I needed to see to feel normal. To feel at home. Until now I hadn't realized that I felt so out of place. I felt so foreign.

I returned to the kitchen where the death note was still waiting for me. There was a strange feeling in my chest. I missed this notebook. I missed it so much, almost as much as I missed L when I went to school.

My hand reached out without my order and took the book into my grasp. A warmth filled my blood at just being able to touch it again. I felt strong. I felt like I was finally myself again. There wasn't some part of me missing. I was whole again.

I didn't realize it, but I had the strange feeling that I was not myself anymore. It was hard to put into words, but I guess it was like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. But now I didn't feel that.

But I snapped back to myself fairly quickly. This wasn't right. I needed to hide this. L couldn't know that it was out here. Or maybe it was a test. Maybe he wanted me to hide it. But if he didn't, then what would he think when he saw it?

My best bet was for me to just put it back and leave it there. And then if it was there when L came down then I would just do my best to explain. I knew he wouldn't believe me. Not in the slightest. Especially since the killings had started again in Japan. I was on a thin sheet of ice and this wasn't helping.

I just had to ignore it and make breakfast like I had planned. And that's what I was going to do. I went about making the pancakes to the best of my abilities. And soon I had gotten the hang of it and was able to make a decent stack before I felt arms wrap around me.

L's grip was light as if he were trying not to make full contact with me. Had he seen it? He must have. He wouldn't do this if he hadn't seen it. "Did you have any more nightmares?" L questioned, releasing me so that I could continue cooking.

"No," I replied, nervousness clear in my voice.

"Are you ok?" L sounded worried. Truly worried.

"Yeah, I just-" I broke off as I turned to around to come up with an empty counter. The death note was gone. Where did it go? Had I just been hallucinating? What the fuck had happened to the death note? "Just-Just wasn't sure if I had- if I had made them right," I stuttered, unable to stop myself from glancing around the room. Had Ryuk taken it?

"I'm sure they're wonderful," L answered, glancing around as well. "What are you looking for?"

"Nothing," I said quickly. It must have been too quickly because L's eyes shot back to me and held a studying glare to them. He didn't believe me. I had to give him something, even if it was a lie. "I-I thought I saw Ryuk. But I guess I didn't." I turned back to the stove to flip the bubbling batter.

"Ryuk?" L muttered. There was something in his voice, but I couldn't place it. He was thinking though. Thinking hard.

"Have you seen him lately?"

"No," was my answer. "I'm not the owner of the death notes. So why would he come to me?"

That was a fair point. But why would he just disappear? It wasn't like him. But what did I know? Ryuk only did things that amused or benefited him. Maybe it wasn't a benefit for him to stick around. He had his own death note he could do whatever he wanted with that.

"Why aren't you at school?" L asked me as he went to go get plates, silverware and the syrup.

"My classes this morning were canceled." I turned off the stove and brought the plate of pancakes to the table, asking my seat beside the detective who had his feet up on the chair. He snatched a few of the pancakes and then took to drowning them in the golden maple liquid. "And you need help on your cases. I can take time off today. I thought I would go help search the plane today. I was going to call the police department and set up a search."

"No," L said harshly. "You need to finish your homework and you need to go to the rest of your classes."

"I can afford to miss a few classes. Besides, this is more important. This is real life, not a textbook word problem. You need to find who killed that man, because we both know it's not suicide. And the sooner we find that person, the sooner a murderer is off the streets. And you can't go do it. It's far too dangerous for you to be in public."

"Light, Your finals are in two weeks, your classes are reviews that you need to attend if you want to pass," L pushed. "I promise that the airplane will still be there tomorrow."

"We can't wait that long. What if something happens to it?" I demanded, causing L to stop his eating to look up at me.

"What could possibly happen to a plane?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He should be all over this. He should have had me call it in last night instead of sending me to bed. He knew how important this case was. He knew! So why was he pushing it aside? Searching the airplane could solve this case.

"Why are you fighting me on this?" I sighed and rested my head in my hands. "I try so hard to do everything I can for you. You realize that, right? And you know that time is ticking on this case. Not to mention you still haven't received the security footage yet on the other case you told me about. Time is not on our side. Please let me do this for you."

There was a silence, but I didn't dare look up. This silence wasn't like the one from last night. It wasn't calming. It gnawed at my insides and clung in the air like that suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground.

I inhaled deeply, my eyes on the table top. I couldn't face him, even if I knew I was right. Just the thought of disappointment in his eyes made my stomach twist.

"Alright." That single word broke the air around us. My head rose from my hands, my courage strong enough to meet his gaze. He wasn't looking at me though. He was looking straight ahead. Was he avoiding me? "You're right. We can't wait."

L didn't say anything else. He simply rose from the table and left the room, leaving the rest of his food to get soggy on the plate.

That was it. The conversation was over. And the sound of the piano only reinforced the idea that he wouldn't talk about the subject any further.

I got to my feet and left the kitchen, passing by the music room where L's single foot was swinging in the air under the piano bench,the other tucked up against his chest as he played.

He was so like my sister in his taste if music that it sometimes weirded me out. A Time For Us from Romeo and Juliet. My sister watched that movie religiously after studying the play in middle school.

I couldn't help myself. My curiosity won out. "Have you ever seen that movie?"

"Once, long ago," L replied in a monotone whisper. "I find the plot unlikely and the minds of the children disturbing, but the music is something entirely different. It is worth the time it took to write."

"Did you learn the song after you watched the movie?"

I wanted to sit beside him, in that one chair. The one chair that was mine. But I couldn't make my feet move. Maybe it was for the best. He was already cross with me. There was no way he would want me near him at the moment.

I had found that when L was upset it was best to give him his space. This was pushing it. I could hear the strain in his voice to keep calm. Although I wished he would yell at me sometimes. I wished that he would show more emotion.

"No." His fingers paused for a brief moment and he glanced back at me over his shoulder before returning to the heartsick melody. "It just came to mind, so I played it."

"How do you do that?" I moved from the doorway, wanting to watch for myself. If only I could see the way his brain worked. I wanted to know how he did what he did.

I stopped myself from continuing forward when his fingers stumbled over the notes. He grumbled something about a flat needing to go there before he continued on.

"It's not hard. I taught myself to play. I didn't know how to read sheet music for a decent amount of time. I learned to play by ear."

"How does one accomplish that?" I questioned. He didn't sound as tense now. Maybe music was beneficial for the both of us.

"I listened to recordings of the music for a while and then messed around until I found what notes were being used. And then I found the chord progression and-"

"You just listened to the song and could play it?"

Why had I never hear of this before? I'm sure L wasn't the only one who could do this. There had to be a handful of blind musicians that also played by ear. But this was amazing. My brain would never be able to do something like that. Sure, I could play basic scales, but that was nothing compared to what L could do.

"It is much easier to do it now," he said with a small nod. "It takes time. You don't learn it overnight."

"That's..." I couldn't find the words. They wouldn't come to me. So I settled for: "Absolutely amazing, L."

"Don't you have an aircraft hanger to be getting to?" L's voice wasn't demanding or judgemental. It was calm and sweet. It was a slight push that brought me back to myself.

"Of course." I gave one last look at L who paid me no mind, and left the room to change.

I reached the top of the stairs and pushed open the door to our room. I had gotten most of the way dressed and was finishing up the buttons on my shirt when I saw it in the mirror, behind me and sitting happily in the bed.

My death note.

What the fuck? Why? Why was this here? If this kept up I was going to go crazy. I was only so strong a person. What was I supposed to do? I was still me. I still wanted the same things as before. I was just taking the longer route now.

I needed it to go away. The death note was just a temptation that I knew without a doubt I would start to use again. There was no way I wouldn't use it again. The high and the power was too great.

It had to be Ryuk. There was no other way that it could disappear and reappear like this. It wasn't physically possible. Unless I just didn't hear L and it was a test. But I didn't think that was the case.

"Relax," I whispered to myself as I noticed my fingers shaking. "Ignore it."

I did my best to put on my tie and eventually gave up and left the knot crooked. I dashed from the room and down the stairs.

This wasn't fair. Why would someone want to do this to me. It was putting crack in front of an addict. They would only be able to hold out for so long. Relapses were a normal thing to have occur surfing the rehab process. I would be no different.

I made my way into the music room and stopped behind L who still played, though had moved onto a piece that I didn't recognize.

I placed a hand on his shoulder and placed a kiss to his head. "I'll call you when I get there."

"Is something wrong? Your hand is trembling," L said, his fingers leaving the keys and using the piano to turn himself to face me. His eyes danced over me and came back to my face. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" I asked as nonchalantly as I could manage.

"Your tie. You never leave your tie in a state less than perfect." L got to his feet and took my tie. He undid the knot and and began straightening the silk fabric. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

He didn't believe me. It was on his face. Carved into his skin. He knew something was wrong and he was going to push it until he got an answer. He always did. Always dug. But that's what made him such a great detective. He would just keep twisting the knife until he found what he was looking for.

"Nothing?" he asked softly.

"Yeah. I just got excited over the case. Wanted to get this done so you can finish it."

He paused in his work for a slight moment. It was just slight. No one would have noticed it unless they were paying attention. It was like when we were back in HQ and my typing rhythm changed. Subtle and small.

"Light, please don't lie to me."

He knew? How did he know? I wasn't like him i didn't rub my toes together when I lied. What was my tell? How did he know?

"Really L. It's nothing. I just remembered another assignment that I need to get done. But it won't be hard. I just have to describe the types of fingerprints."

He still didn't believe me, but he didn't push further. He just nodded and released my tie. "Alright. Please make sure you get it done when you get home."

His voice... Had I hurt him? I must have. There was no way I couldn't. Especially if he knew it was another lie. He thought that I couldn't trust him. But it wasn't that. How could I tell him? How in the world would he understand? He had been through so much. He had already lived through enough pain because if me, I couldn't tell him.

"Thank you for breakfast. I'm sorry I ran out. You worked so hard."

It was over again. The conversation was done. I was thankful that it was, but this was so unlike L.

This honestly worried me. There was something wrong. He had never given up. Not once in the time that I had known him had he ever given up. He went to that party that he knew would end in his death. Why was he letting these conversations go so easily? He knew I was lying. Why? What was going through his head?

"Come home soon, alright?" he asked softly. I gave a nod and leaned over to give him a kiss. His arms quickly wrapped around me and pulled me to him. It was as if he was trying to prove to himself that I was still real. He was trying to ground himself into reality. "I love you," he said when he finally let me go.

There it was again. What was happening? What was wrong? Could he see the begging in my eyes? The pleading to let me in, to let me know, to let me help. Please, L. Tell me what's going through your mind.

He waited patiently for my answer, arms still around my neck. "I love you too." L pressed his forehead to mine and pulled me close again but just stood there. I placed my hands on his hips and sighed. "I've got to go." I pushed against him and he reluctantly released me, making me feel like I had done something wrong.

"Talk to you soon."

I nodded and left the room to go get the car and the driver. Then I called the police chief at Scotland Yard that I had become an acquaintance with. I worked cases for L so often that he had come to know me and even called me for help on some of his own small cases.

But my thoughts were on L. My best guess was that we had avoided that one conversation for too long. It was eating him up. And Watari wasn't here for him to talk to. I was it. I was his person to come to. He needed me and I had been stubborn. We'd talk about it tonight if the topic arose. I wouldn't put it off any longer. It would just hurt us both in the long run.  
***  
Mr. Jones was more than happy to let us onto his property. He didn't look quite as young as he had sounded on the phone, but he still had to be in his early 70's. His hair was thin and powder white and although he walked rather slow, his stride was steady.

He showed me and several other officers to the hangar that had the aircraft that Jeffery had taken on his last flight. We set up the scene with lights to make sure that everything was as bright as we could get it, and then we began taking pictures of the hangar and the airplane.

I shifted slightly in the navy blue jumpsuit that they made everyone wear, camera around my neck and latex over my hands. I made my way into the plane on my knees. It was barely tall enough for me to stand while bending over. I snapped a few pictures, looking around.

That match was what was important to me at the moment. I needed to find that match. If I could, then that would prove that the dead man had been on the plane with the brother during the flight. Though I wasn't sure how two people could fit in here. It was so small.

I pushed around, and looked through the storage areas of the plane, taking pictures of each cubby I opened before I pushed through it. Each cabinet was fine. They all held items like emergency supplies, first aid kits, fire extinguishers and oxygen tanks.

"Find anything yet?" Adam called from behind me in a heavy Scottish accent. He said he had been from Wick which I guessed was the birthplace of the Scottish accent. It was the accent that I heard in movies. The accent that gave great speeches and battle cries.

He was the very epitome of authority with his baton hanging idly at his hip, against the crisp blue uniform and the hangar reflected in his over-large sunglasses. He looked almost comical in the way he held himself. And with no gun, he didn't scare me in the slightest.

Honestly he reminded me of Matsuda. I guessed that every police force needed a Matsuda. A man that was the embodiment of blondness, but full of strength and passion and able to make the call when it needed to be done. But I couldn't help imagine that Adam perhaps stood there planning nothing more than what donut he would have later and whether to have a latte or an Americano.

"Not yet. Well, not anything interesting," I answered, turning back to the inside. "Take off those glasses, you know they are against guidelines. I have to be able to see your eyes through the lenses."

"You're no fun, Light," Adam teased, patting my foot that was out of the plane. I glanced back darkly, but I don't think he was paying attention. I didn't care much for Adam, but he had stuck to me the moment I had first come to a crime scene to help L. "What is it you are looking for exactly?"

"The end of a match," I said, lowering myself to look under the seats. Nothing. Not even a single speck of trash. This airplane was as clean as could be.

"Like the head?"

"No the wooden part of it." I gave a sigh. "If you had read the case file, like you should have, then you should know that they were only able to find half of a match in the hand of the body."

"Yeah, but it's half of a match. You're never going to find it. It could be anywhere out in that field," Adam said, shoving his way into the opening of the plane, causing me to move all the way inside. I really hoped that it wasn't in the field. We couldn't afford to have it be missing.

"It's going to be like finding hay in a needle stack," I added. There was a laugh from Adam and I looked up at him, confused. "What? What did I say?"

"I believe that the term you are looking for is needle in a haystack," Adam answered, his smile bright and his eyes shining green now that he had removed his sunglasses.

I paused in thought. I would never be able to understand English fully. It was too hard. I made mistakes like this whenever I tried to speak in public. "Why would I want a stack of hay?" I asked, causing his smile to fall. "I could just burn it to find the needle. I couldn't very well burn a needle stack to find the hay."

Adam just gave another laugh. "Fair enough."

"Don't you have anything else you should be doing?" I raised the camera and took a picture of him, the flash bright enough to make him wince. I gave a slight smile. It was nice to have someone other than L to talk to. Someone that I could laugh with.

"The chief just said to help you, so what do you need done?"

I need you to start cataloging what is in each of the cabinets," I replied, pointing to where I had just been taking pictures. "Jones should have a list of everything that should be on this plane. Start going through it."

Adam gave a groan but left to go find Jones and I turned back to my work. I moved between the two seats and took pictures of the controls and then of each seat before I began digging through the creases in the seats to find just pieces of old candy wrappers and dirt.

Everything was clean. Other than that small amount of trash, I couldn't find anything. I crawled from the plane as Adam came back and stood by, marking everything on the supplies sheet that we had gotten from Jones.

"Two fire extinguishers," Adam called.

"Two?" I questioned, looking up from the list in my hands. "There should be three."

"I'll keep looking, but I only see two."

We reached the end of the checklist, but still couldn't come up with the missing fire extinguisher. And even Jones admitted that he didn't know where it was. He had inspected the aircraft when it had landed as per usual and couldn't find the extinguisher, but Jeffrey said he had no idea where is was.

"Adam, go do a one over, I need to make a call," I ordered, stepping away from Jones and Adam so that I could hear the voice on the other side of my phone.

"Yes, hello?" came L's voice. English? Why was he using English? He knew I hated it.

"I have a question," I said in Japanese, leaning up against the side of the plane. I rubbed the back of my neck, waiting for my answer.

"I see. What is it?" L asked, switching over to the language I was more comfortable in. There was the sound of crunching and I could only guess he had found the rather large box of sugar cubes in the kitchen.

"In any of the information of the case was there ever a mention of a missing fire extinguisher?"

There was a hum. "I do not believe so. Is there one missing from the plane?"

"Yes. You don't think that Jeffrey could have taken it, do you? The owner of the hangar said that he didn't see Jeffery leave with it."

"It is a possibility. I will reread the case file. That shouldn't take me to long. Stay on the line."

"Alright." I closed my eyes and rubbed them for a moment, listening to the footsteps on the line. There was a shuffling of paper and some mumbled words from L that I couldn't make out. I pushed myself from the plane and glanced back inside, my eyes just wandering. There was another hum from L. "Yes?"

"There is no report of anything missing from the aircraft, as Jones didn't report it. But the cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head. The X-rays show an indent in the skull that doesn't look like it could have been made by just hitting the ground. He would have had to have hit a rock of some sort, which was also not reported. It is possible that he was hit in the head before he fell."

"We need to find the fire extinguisher. I'll get a warrant to Jeffrey's house. I'm sure he won't let us in."

"Have you found anything else?"

"No." I gave a sigh and rubbed my eyes again, but stopped, my gloved hand dropping to where the seat belt met the floorboard. I picked up the small piece of wood and looked over it. "L, I found the other half of the match. There's blood on it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breaking The Habit- Linkin Park
> 
> Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I know it's super long. I just kinda kept writing and writing. I couldn't stop. There was just so much that I wanted to fit into Light's chapter that I kept going way over the normal 7 pages that I try to aim for. But let me know what you all think!  
> Also, I am going to not be able to post over the weekend of the 20th. I am going to Anime Banzai and will be gone all weekend. I might try to post really late Sunday night when I get home, but that will depend on how tired I am and how much I have written.  
> But thanks again guys! Have a wonderful week! 
> 
> P.S. I am also curious if you listen to the songs that each chapter is linked to.


	5. Fall For You: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not an orphan. I am abandoned.” Anger was making my blood hot, but I needed to keep my temper controlled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I was told that my last chapter was a bit too long. And I understand that can be hard to read in one sitting, so I will split this chapter and repost it into two parts. Thank you all for your comments! They mean a bunch to me. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

**Part 1**

*L's POV*

Light came through the the door and tossed his coat aside. On the small chest that we had in the entry way. I couldn’t help it. I raced forward and hugged him. He stumbled slightly before hesitantly wrapping his arms around me.

“Hello to you too,” he said with a slight chuckle in his voice. “Is everything ok?”

“You found the match,” I replied. I knew this was out of character for me, but I was happy. And it wasn’t about the match. The match definitely helped, but this was because of the death notes. He hadn’t used it.

 

-”If he takes the death note then I will listen to the rest of your deal,” I said to Ryuk, who was bent over in the hallway. “Do you understand.”

“Light isn’t like other humans,” Ryuk responded. “I have never seen someone take to the death note like him. It won’t be easy.”

“Then you have nothing to worry over.”

Ryuk gave a toothy laugh. “You want to risk him getting it back?”

“If I can’t trust him, then what do I have?”-

 

“I also found that earring back one time too,” he pointed out, releasing me. I let him go and gave him a smile. “You didn’t hug me then.”

“I’m just....” I stopped trying to find the right word to use. He waited for my reply quietly, letting me think. “Proud of you Light. You really are trying.”

“Trying?” he asked. His russet eyes darkened slightly and I could only guess what he was thinking. It had to be about seeing the death note this morning.

“I believe you,” I added, turning away and letting him come inside fully.

“Believe me about what?”

“That you’re not killing people in Japan,” I answered, moving back into the music room where I had more case files set out. I took my seat on the floor in front of my laptop and pulled a jammie dodger from the package to eat.

“I see.” Light sighed and collapsed on the empty part of the couch, loosening his tie. He winced slightly at the movement.

“Are you getting another migraine?” I got on my knees to get up, but he held up his hand to stop me.

“Just the scar. I’m ok.” He slouched down into the couch and gave me a small smile. “No wonder people in other parts of the world have bad slouching problems. They don’t have anyone to tell them to sit up straight. And this is so much more comfortable.”

He was talking about his family. His father in particular. Yagami-san was a good man, but he expected a lot. Far more than should ever be asked from a kid. But maybe that was good. I never had that. Watari really did his best, but he wasn’t my father.

Of all the things that I could remember in my life, my parents weren’t very much of them. Maybe it was because they ditched me when I was very young, but I figured that most of it was because I blocked out a lot of them. They weren't worth remembering, so why hold onto them?

“Are you listening?”

“Hmm?” I looked up at Light from where I had been staring at the floor in thought.

“I said that I sent the match to look over the blood and see whose it is, though that could take a few weeks. And I am waiting on the judge to sign off on the warrant. And we are still waiting for that security footage, but I sent Bradley to pick up your mail. Maybe it’ll finally be here.”

“Bradley?” I questioned. For some reason I couldn’t put the face with the name.

“Our driver?” Light answered. “The man both you and Watari did an extensive background on. That Bradley.”

“Oh. Yes. Thank you.” I picked up a file and did my best to look busy, but I knew it wouldn’t fool Light. Over the top of the folder I saw him sit forward with another wince, and rest his elbows on his knees.

“Alright. What’s going on. What are you thinking about? What’s going through your head?” he pushed with a gentle smile. He wasn’t judging me or even ordering me to tell. He was just wanting to know.

“I...” I exhaled and lowered the folder. “I was thinking about my parents.”

Light’s persona immediately changed, becoming angry and defensive. “Why?”

I was taken aback slightly at his reaction. I didn’t expect him to be so hostile over the subject. But I guess it made sense at to why he would be. And it’s not like my parents did me any favors besides giving birth to me, and I was sure they wouldn’t have shown up for that if they could have found a way out of it.

“I’m not sure. It might be because they dropped me off at the orphanage around this time of year. I don’t remember exactly when, but it was near my birthday.”

“Birthday?” Light grew softer again, his shoulders relaxing. “You’ve never told me when your birthday is.”

“That’s because no one needs to know.”

It was a trivial date. And I had never received a present or even a card. Not that I minded in the least. In my view, birthdays and birthday parties were for children, and mine were best when they were forgotten, or passed by without comment. I had never even told Watari.

“It’s not like I can google the date. There is a whole Wiki of conspiracy theories about you, but no birth date,” he said with a smile. But it was fake. I could tell. His eyes didn’t light up.

“Did you try to research me?” I wasn’t sure why I was surprised by that. He would have tried to find anything out about me that he could have. After all, he did want me dead once upon a time. What was wrong with me? Why was I having so much trouble knowing what light was going to think or say?

“You did taunt me,” Light pointed out, relaxing back against the couch. He had a fond look on his face. Smug almost. “I had to figure out who you were. I couldn’t have you-” He abruptly stopped speaking, his eyes meeting mine and his face going blank. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking like that. It’s best to forget and move on.” I opened my mouth to speak, but Light continued before I could get a word out. “When’s your birthday?”

He was going to tell me more about being Kira. Damn it. I wanted to know. All he had told me was that he was kira and he used to death note. But he never went into detail. I think it was because he was worried about hurting me, and granted I wasn’t bullet proof, but I could take it. I could take the ache if it meant I would understand him better.

“Why does that matter?” I asked, giving up.

He would tell me someday. It might be on my death bed, but he would tell me. I knew killers. I had been hunting them for over a decade. I knew how they thought. They wanted to show off. They wanted someone to know. That’s how most of them were caught. They put up neon signs to show themselves because they wanted the credit. Light would tell me.

Light was hardworking, talented, and a natural genius. Highly perceptive and good with problem solving, he was a skilled planner and good at mapping out scenarios. Furthermore, Light was very popular among peers and adored by his family members. However his high intelligence and constant praise from adults laid the foundation for his intense level of hubris.

That’s what would give me the information. His want of praise and his over confidence.

“Please L,” Light begged, shooting me a knowing smile. He would win this. I might as well lose the battle and win the war later when our next disagreement came as it always did.

“October 31st,” I grumbled reluctantly, lowering my gaze to the numerous files that littered the floor. I really needed more computers. There was that extra living room. I could make that into my new work space. And I had the money to get the equipment.

“Halloween?” Light asked curiously. “You were born on halloween?”

“Yes, though I do not believe there will be any record of it anywhere, as my birth certificate and any copies were destroyed. Not to mention that I am currently supposed to be dead.”

“That’s in a few days,” Light thought aloud, a grin plastering his face. “I’m going to get you a present.”

“Please don’t,” I said, my chest going tight. Why did this bother me so much? It was a normal thing that happened to everyone every year.

“You’ll like my present. It was something I was going to get you anyways, but now I have a reason.” Light was happy. He hadn’t been this happy in a while. He looked genuinely untroubled and carefree. Maybe I should just let him do it so that he would be happy. I could play along. I could play that part as long as it made him smile like this.

Light rested back into the couch again, taking to unbuttoning the first few buttons on his shirt, closing his eyes, relaxation apparent on his face. I wouldn’t bring up his homework just yet. He deserved this. Especially after what I put him through this morning. He didn’t deserve to have that done to him. He had already been so corrupted, I shouldn’t have tempted fate. But I had told the truth. I was very proud of him.

But now I had another Kira case to solve. Hopefully this one wouldn’t end in my death. I wasn’t sure if Light would be able to bring me back a second time. Not that I wanted to come back. Death was peaceful... easy. Life was harder. It had truly been my time, hadn’t it? Maybe that had always been my outcome.

And if I did die again, would Light be able to live without me? He had been a complete mess when I first saw him. And he was a wreck for weeks after. And that was with me back. How had he been before I had woken? Woken? I was talking like I had been asleep... But I wasn’t sure what else I could compare it to.

“Have you heard from your family lately?” Light’s question broke through to me.

“No. Why?” My eyebrows furrowed in question.

“Would...” He looked like he was having trouble forming the words. His eyes were sharp when they opened and his hands were clenched into fists. “Would you ever want to?”

“Where is this coming form?” No I didn’t want to. Why on earth would I want to talk to those two? They didn’t deserve to know me. They didn’t deserve to have me in their lives. They didn’t deserve to bask in the accomplishments that I had made. Those accomplishments were mine and they couldn’t have them. They couldn’t have me.

“It was just a thought. Orphans try to find their parents eventually, or at least try to figure out who they are. I just thought that maybe... You would want that connection.”

“I’m not an orphan. I am abandoned.” Anger was making my blood hot, but I needed to keep my temper controlled. His heart was in the right place. “And I know who they are. Annabel and Rupert. They are both 43 years old. Last place of known residence is New York, USA. My father worked for a law firm and my mother stayed at home, though was more interested in champagne and her nails than in me. And I get my hair from her. Though she somehow was able to get it to curl and not stick up in this horrible mess. I can only assume I got my brain from my father because my mother was a ditz who believed that seahorses were fake. I’m sure my father married her for her looks and she for his money.”

I stopped, falling silent under Light’s gaze. He had his head tipped to the side and was back, leaning forward and just listening to me speak. He didn't look like he was forming an opinion, just carefully listening.

“What?” I asked, feeling embarrassment pool in my cheeks.

“Nothing. I’m just thinking. I’ve never heard that much about your parents. Tell me more?”

I couldn’t find any words. I could only open and close my mouth like a fish. How was I supposed to react to that? Was I supposed to be mad? Was I supposed to be grateful? My insides squirmed around and made me feel like I was outside of myself.

Light filled the silence. “I want to know. I hardly know anything about you. Please, Lawliet, tell me.”

He really wanted to know. He wouldn’t have used my name otherwise. But I had no idea what to say. I didn’t talk about myself. It was just something I never did and so I didn’t know where to start.

“You’re not wanting stupid things like my favorite color, are you?” I asked, unsure of what else to say.

Light chuckled. “Not in particular, no.”

“Red.”

“What?” he inquired, taken aback. He sat up with a curious look.

“That’s my favorite color. Red.” How pathetic. What was wrong with me? But Light didn’t laugh. He gave me a kind smile. He cared. “Is there anything you want to know?”

“How did you meet Watari?”

“My parents left me at an orphanage with an elderly woman and when she died, Watari took over the orphanage and turned it into a home for gifted children. Wammy’s house. He trained people to be like me. At the top are Near, Mello and Matt. Beyond used to be there as well before he died.

“I haven’t made much contact with the place. Even if it was for gifted children, children like me, I was an outcast. I was the one that was picked on. Though now, I’m a sort of celebrity. Before the Kira case picked up, Watari would have me speak to the children that were having a difficult time, though it was only ever audio.”

Light was silent for a moment, taking everything in. Nervously I picked up another cookie and took a bite. After a beat, Light gave a nod in understanding. “Did you know Beyond?”

“Not on a personal level. He was taken in right after me, but we never spoke with one another. And he bullied a lot of the other kids. They were all afraid of him. What do you know about him?” I had always been curious. Beyond had died of a heart attack, chained up in his padded room. It could have just been a normal heart attack, but I didn’t think so. It was Kira. It had been Light.

“In the states, he killed people. That’s about all I know. But... it was me. I remember the name. It was such an odd name.” Light inhaled sharply, looking away from me. He was ashamed. Maybe he was more human than I thought.

“It was one of my first cases. There were a few murders in LA and and FBI agent, was in charge of the case. I got on board and discovered that Beyond had been so envious of me that he had taken lives to get my attention. But I was far too busy on another case to go to the states, so I worked with the FBI agent to solve it. She found him right before he took his own life and arrested him.”

“Who was the FBI agent?” Light questioned, dropping to the floor to sit beside me among the papers.

“Naomi Misora,” I answered, a pain filling my chest. Light’s eyes widened and searched my face, seeing if I had told the truth. He swiftly pulled away from me, causing some cases to fall to the floor from the stacks they had been on.

“I-I’m so sorry, L,” he choked out, avoiding my gaze. “I know that I will never be forgiven for that. I’m so sorry.”

There was a distance between us now. It was like the floor had opened up in the middle of us, breaking us apart. He was right. I could never forgive him for what he had done. But I had promised to accept and protect him, and that’s what I was going to do, even if it went against everything I stood for morally. I loved him far more than I should have.

“Anything else?” I asked, hoping that we could just go back to before. Back to where we were actually connecting and not fighting.

Light was quiet, anxiously playing with his tie, eyes downcast. But he did eventually find his voice. “Why do you know so much about your parents if you don’t care?”

I had not been expecting that. I was dumbstruck. I didn’t honestly know the answer myself. How could I know so much about people that I hadn’t seen in over ten years? “I kept tabs on them up until the Kira case.” Light glanced up slightly at me. “Then I got far to busy to bother.”

“Why did you bother in the first place?”

My mind spoke before I could think of the answer. “They’re my parents. Despite everything they ever did to me, they did the right thing by leaving me on the porch of that old house in Winchester. I wasn’t happy and neither were they. And if they hadn’t, then I wouldn’t be here.”

Light only nodded, his hands still scrunching up and straightening his tie. I reached out and took one of his hands in mine, causing him to look up. He was shaking. He knew he had done wrong and that was all that I had hoped for. That he knew he messed up and that he would do anything to fix it.

“What about you?” I asked softly. “What about your childhood?”

“There’s not much to tell,” he admitted, not pulling his hand from mine, but still trembling. “My main focus was on school and being the best. And while I was at home, if I wasn’t helping my sister with homework or her after school activities, I was studying. Nothing interesting happened before I found the note book.”

“Nothing?” I asked, curious. There had to be something.

“I had braces in middle school,” he replied, his eyes looking up in thought. “Which was odd, considering Japan’s dental ideals.”

A smile came to my lips and I couldn't help but laugh. His lips turned up in a small smile of his own and he gave my hand a squeeze. “Alright, Mr. Boring,” I teased. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Blue.”  
***  
I woke in the morning, alone in our bed. I didn’t remember the last time I had slept so much. Light wouldn’t let me work last night. He wanted to watch Tv, though I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t work and watch at the same time. But it was nice to take a break and relax with him.

Light’s voice came from somewhere in the distance, out in the hallway. He must have been on the phone because it was one sided. It took me a bit to be able to understand what was being said, as it was in a hushed voice.

“You’ll be here soon then?” Light asked. There was a pause. “Perfect. Alright, I’m late for class. I’ll talk to you later.”

Who? Who was going to be here? No one was supposed to be here. Maybe Light had meant some place different. Maybe I had heard it wrong.

Light strode back into the room, grabbing his suit coat, but stopped at the sight of me, shoving his phone in his pocket. “Morning,” he said hurriedly, coming over and placing a kiss to my cheek. “I’m late for school. There’s gonna be someone coming over today. Don’t worry. They are just dropping off something that I need you to sign for. Just write my name, alright?”

He headed for the door, but I snatched his hand and up. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. It’s alright. I promise. Just make sure you answer the door. If not the package will be sent back.” He pulled gently on his hand. “I’ve really got to go, L.” I shook my head and he sighed. “What? Yesterday you were upset that I wasn’t going and now you don’t want me to go.”

I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want to be left alone again. Not today of all days. I had told him, but he didn’t even remember. Why would he forget? Why was I so hurt over it? Or maybe he hadn’t forgotten. Maybe he was just trying to let me be. But I had expected more from him on my birthday.

“I really got to go, Hun,” he pressed, leaning down and giving me a gentle kiss. That wasn’t enough. I wanted more. He had become so much more gentle with me since I came back. “I’ll be back in a few hours and it’s Friday. You’ll have me all weekend.”

“Alright,” I mumbled with a nod, releasing my hold on his hand. He gave a grateful look and left the room.

“I love you! I’ll let you know when I’m on my way home,” he called from the hall, his voice growing softer. “And don’t forget the package!”

I flopped back on the bed, stretching out slightly before curling back into a small shape. I pulled one of Light’s pillows to me and held it close. His scent lingered on the fabric and made my chest warm.

I was always so conflicted when it came to him, but one thing was always quite clear to me. I loved Light Yagami. Maybe I had always loved him. I had always thought of him as special and as my friend. Even if we had a complicated past. But the worst had to be over now. We were finally able to breathe again.

“Look who was right after all,” a raspy voice said behind me. I didn't bother turning around to face the shinigami. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. He would never truly disappear, would he? He would haunt this house, Light and me forevermore.

“And you will follow our agreement, correct?” I asked, hugging Light's pillow closer to me. I felt guilty for having done that to him. I shouldn't have put the death notes in front of him. It wasn't fair. It was just hurting him.

“No more teasing Light. What a shame.” there was movement and in a blink Ryuk was sitting on the floor beside the bed, his horrible eyes meeting mine. “You really should have seen him.” Ryuk’s laugh filled the room and sent unpleasant shivers through me. “He knew right away it was me. Came searching for me.”

“Just as long as you don't do it again.” I forced myself to sit up, the pillow trapped between my legs and my chest. “You had your fun. It's time for you to leave him alone.”

“Lawliet, I have a question.”

My teeth gritted at the name, my blood going hot. I hated when he said it. Especially when he knew my full name. Especially since he had his own death note and could get rid of me whenever he pleased.

Ryuk gave me a toothy grin before he continued, his voice foul. “Did you know what Light gave up for you to come back?”

I perked up at this. Light had made a deal with Ryuk? “What?” I found myself saying. “What did he do?”

“There is a price for anything you do with the death note, even erasing a name has its consequences.”

“Tell me!” I demanded. What horrible thing had Light done to bring me back? What had Light kept from me?

“To erase a name in the death note, a life must be traded. You've got to replace what you take out,” Ryuk said, his smile still ever present.

“So he killed someone else to bring me back...” I thought aloud. I was sick to my stomach. My inside turned inside out and made me just want to curl up on the bathroom floor just incase my body decided to turn on me.

“I didn't tell him that part. I knew he wouldn't make the deal if I did.” There was another rusty laugh that made my stomach flip horribly. “But there is more if you wanted to know.”

I wanted to know, but I didn't know how much I could take. My head was already spinning like a turn cycle in a washing machine.

“You fucking shinigami!” I shouted, my hands clutching my legs tighter.

“Is that a no?” He sounded so innocent but pleased at the same time, as if I had given him exactly the reaction that he had wanted.

I couldn't find my voice to reply, but before Ryuk continued he looked towards the exit of the bedroom questioningly. I followed his gaze, but didn't see anything.

“Someone's at the door,” he said softly before jumping to his feet and fading through the wall.

Soon I could just barely make out a knock at the door downstairs. I lifted myself from the bed and left the room. I felt dizzy and weak. Damn shinigami. What else had Light done? What horrible things did it take to bring me back?

Nervousness filled me as I rounded the corner to the stairs. This would be the first time that I will have seen another living entity other than Ryuk and Light since I woke.

I made my way down the stairs, more knocks following the first one. I went to the door, my hand resting on the door handle, but I couldn’t bring myself to open the door. It was so weird. There was another person on the other side of this wood. Human contact.

I had never much cared for the thing, but now that I was forced from it and it wasn’t as per my choice, I wasn’t sure what to do or how to act. I had never been good at social interactions anyway.

With a deep breath, I opened the door, and stopped. My mind was blank. Before me was an old man in a suit.

“You look right as rain, sir,” he said in English, bowing his head slightly, not a single grey hair out of place.

“You're early,” I whispered. I could feel tears start to gather, but I didn't let them fall. Instead I hugged him. A hug hid my face so he couldn't see. “I've missed you, Watari.”

He gave a deep chuckle and patted my back. “It is good to see you too. How have you been? I've seen quite a few of your cases. You seem to be doing well.”

I let him go and moved aside so that he could come in. There were no words. This had to be Light. Watari wouldn't have come early otherwise. He was very punctual and precise.

Why could I not think of anything to say? “What are you doing here?”

“Light asked me to come early, though I can not in good conscious tell you why.” Watari smiled, his moustache curving up slightly as well.

My footsteps halted and the cold of the hard wood began to seep into my bare feet. “He did this?” It was him. What was Light doing? Why did he need Watari here?

“How are things going with him?” Watari questioned, moving into the living room that was to the right. Watari looked at home as he took a seat on one of the couches that was present. I took a seat across from him on the other couch, feeling a blush come turn my skin warm, and the nauseated feeling I had slowly fading.

“Fine,” I answered. Things felt fine between us. It was calmer since we came here. He wasn't trying to seduce me at every turn. He also wasn’t trying to prove a point or keep secrets or anything of that sort. Maybe I knew him better now. Knew the man before the god complex.

“Just fine?” Watari pushed, but gently and with kind eyes.

I inhaled deeply. “He feels very distant. He’s just always gone and...” Watari waited for my words, folding his hands on his crossed legs. “He’s all I’ve got. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to go insane because I’m left with only my mind.”

“And to fill that, you work?”

“I’ve always worked,” I shot back, though I knew he was right. Work was used to fill the void. To fill the silence. I didn’t want to think about it at the moment. “It’s nice to see you.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fall For You- Secondhand Serenade


	6. Fall For You: Part 2

**Part 2!**

***L's POV***

It was so nice to have Watari with me that I honestly didn't realize when Light came home from school. I didn't hear the door or the footsteps. I didn't know he was there until he entered the room with a smile.

"Did you like my package?" he asked smugly, coming over to place a hand on my shoulder.

"Yes," I replied. "Why are you so happy?"

"We got the results for the blood tests back early. They said that when they heard you were working the case, they pushed the testing up," was Light's answer. He gave my shoulder squeeze and kissed my head.

"Who's is it?" I asked, looking up at his smiling face. "You have to tell me."

"It's our dead man's blood. I think the brother is our man. Still waiting on the judge to sign the warrant, because the police chief and Adam went to the house and Jeffrey wouldn't let them search. And apparently, the sister and the kids moved in with the Jeffrey."

"They moved in together?" I thought aloud. "They wanted the life insurance."

"That was my thought exactly. They were having an affair and wanted the life insurance."

"An Affair?" I asked, placing my hand over Light's that still rested on my shoulder. "How do you know that?"

"In your mail was the copy of the suicide note as well as the security footage," Light said. "You didn't see them?" Light looked between me and Watari who was still sitting quietly just watching. "I guess you have been busy. We'll talk about it later. I have some homework I need to get done. Go ahead and keep talking. Don't let me bother you." Light placed another kiss on my head and then nodded to Watari before leaving the room.

My fingers drummed against my knee. I wanted to read that letter and see that footage. I wanted to work on this case. Not to mention, there was something up. Light was never this happy. Not even with a breakthrough in a case. What was he doing? And the worst part was that Watari knew. Watari knew exactly what was going through Light's head and I didn't.

"Why don't we go look at that suicide letter, hmmm?" Watari asked, getting to his feet.

He knew. He knew that I wanted to work. He always knew exactly what I wanted or needed at any time and it made me miss him even more. Why did he have to stay in Japan? Why did he have to stay with the task force? Why couldn't he have just come with us? Maybe he was more like a father to me than I dared to admit.

I got to my feet and made my way to the music room where I had left everything the day before. Light hadn't given me time to clean up. There was a small laugh from Watari upon inspecting the mess. And beside my computer was my mail, which was a stack that I honestly wasn't looking forward to sorting through. Most of them would just be small petty cases that I would pass up anyway. I only took the ones that were important or no one could seem to figure out. Like... Kira.

Watari took the chair that was Light's next to the piano and I sat down in the small space I allowed for myself. In the corner of my eyes I could see Watari picking up a file and looking through it. There was a look on his face that I couldn't exactly name. God. Damn emotions! I had gotten better at reading them, but I still struggled. I would never be sociable like Light was. I would never be able to understand people like he did.

I pulled the envelopes and packages to me, opening them until I found the suicide note. Or, a copy of the suicide note. They would never let me have the real one. I quickly read over it and passed it to Watari who took it, but continued looking through the other folder. Which case did he pick? What case was so interesting that he would push the note aside?

But the note was what I was interested in at this moment. It sounded almost like any other suicide note that I had ever read. It was just missing two parts. It had the to a specific person, things they wanted to have others do once they were gone, an I love you. But it didn't give a reason for leaving and a goodbye. Not a direct good bye.

And it was written in the brother's handwriting supposedly. I would need a copy of his handwriting, but right now, I needed to see if there was anything hidden in this note. Was there anything that would point to the killer?

_-Shay,_

_You have always been my soul-mate. And I want you to live life and always know that I am with you. I told you what was coming indirectly.-_

Indirectly? The wife said that he was showing no signs of depression of any sort and to get life insurance, one would have to go through all manners of medical exams. The doctors didn't see anything that would make them suspect a suicidal nature. And his death was in no way a suicide. Even if he did ask his brother to help and he did jump from the airplane, there was still evidence of foul play, especially now that we were missing the fire extinguisher.

_-I love you so much and know that you are an angel and the definition of God's love.-_

He wasn't associated with any religious group. Not that he couldn't be religious, but it seemed unlikely to me. It honestly sounded like the wife was just making herself sound good for the sake of the note. She had to have a hand in this. It sounded more like a woman speaking than a man. But then... Maybe you would think this way if you were about to die. I was pathetic when I was about to die, but I had never once thought about taking my own life.

_-Tell my story fully, but never think anything besides how much I have always loved you. This was the almighty plan, not mine. And let Michael and Eren know how much I love them. Look after them for me, they are my boys. I knew I loved you.-_

The almighty plan. What did that mean? It could be another religious term, but... I had my doubts. I needed to read the brother and wife's statements about the death. I dug around until I found the two pages that I was looking for. I didn't truly need them, I remembered them, but I wanted to make sure.

They were nearly word for word the same. Like they had rehearsed exactly what to say. He was a loving father and a caring husband, was always happy and enjoyed his job. On and on. They were the same. The wife was in on this. She had to have been. There was no doubt in my mind.

"Sir," Watari said, breaking my concentration.

"Hm?" I asked, lowering the papers and looking back at the old man.

"It is almost time for dinner, go upstairs and get cleaned up."

I couldn't stop from giving a confused look. Why on earth would I need to get cleaned up for dinner? And I still wanted to see that security footage. But I wasn't one to disobey Watari. He had only ever helped me in my life. I could do as he asked while he was here.

I reluctantly left my case and headed for the stairs, leaving Watari behind where he was still looking through the folder. Though he hid it from me as I passed so I couldn't tell which one it was.

I stepped into the bedroom and closed the door behind me. I wasn't sure what to expect, but what I saw, wasn't it. On the bed was was a tuxedo, pressed, wrinkle free and perfect. Beside it was a bow tie and neatly polished black dress shoes.

I hesitantly stepped forward to where a note rested a top the suit. I picked it up, looking over the outfit with disdain. In Light's neat and steady hand was written:

_Dinner's at seven. Please put this on and meet me by the creek._

Was he serious? As nice as it was that he wanted to have dinner, I really didn't want to wear something like this. Especially after what happened the last time I wore one. But this was for Light and there wasn't anything that I wouldn't do for him, within reason. And sadly, this was within reason.

What was he planning? What was happening? Maybe this was for my birthday? I had really hoped that he wouldn't do anything. But he had said he was going to get me something. Was the new tux something?

Whatever the reason, he was doing something special, and I really should be nice and play along. With a deep breath, I placed the note aside and took to getting ready. He must have had Watari pick it up. Watari knew my sizes. And the suit fit perfectly, thought I didn't like it. I felt constrained and, I knew I wouldn't, but I felt like I was going to rip the fabric is I so much as turned my head the wrong way.

But it looked good. I looked good... Save for my hair.

I went to the bathroom and ran my fingers under the water in the sink before trying to smooth down my hair, but it didn't seem to help. How had my mother gotten her hair to always look so put together? I just looked disheveled. But Light never complained. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

The creek. That was a ways out in the field, but the walk didn't bother me. It was nice to get out of the house and into the fresh air, even if the chill of fall was on the breeze and the trees were all manners of colors.

The suit kept me upright and my back straight. I had almost forgotten how much I hated confining clothing when I had been looking in the mirror. I had never once felt like I was decent looking, but tonight wasn't bad.

All thoughts of discomfort left me when I came over one of the many hills and at the bottom beside the creek was a small table set out under a few large trees. In the trees were strung fairy lights and candles were on the table, lighting the small area as the sun was beginning to set.

Beside the table stood Light with his hands behind his back, a smile on his face at the sight of me. He wore a suit as well, fitted and tailored to him. He looked shining and confident. There weren't any other words to use. It was in the way he held himself. It was in his eyes and his smile.

I came to stand beside him and glanced around again. It was cheesy, like something out of a horrible romantic movie, but it was sweet. I didn't hate it.

"Happy birthday, L," Light said to me in a soft voice. "I hope this makes up for me ignoring you this morning as much as I did."

I had a hard time finding the words needed to express the feeling that was in my chest. "You didn't go to class today, did you?"

"No. I was out here." Light looked around, admiring his handy work. Before I could scold him, he motioned to the table that was set out, empty table settings waiting for us. "You ready for dinner?"

I gave a nod and he pulled out my seat for me at the table. What was this? Light had never done something like this for me. It was never so over the top, but somehow so him. He took his seat across from me and called for Watari who came from behind one of the nearby trees with two plates of food.

Watari reached the table and placed the plates in front of us. I couldn't help but smile slightly. "Is this why he called you? To play butler?"

"I was merely the distraction, sir," Watari replied before giving a bow and leaving the small lighted area to return to the house.

I turned back to Light who looked happy and relaxed. I glanced down at what was before us and saw bangers and mash. It wasn't that hard of a dish to make, but it was one of the few that I would actually attempt to eat. How did he know?

"Watari," I said, my eyes meeting his. He gave a nod and a shy smile.

"I wasn't sure what to make, save for strawberry cake." Light took a sip of his wine. "Watari said you enjoyed it as a kid. So, I thought..." he trailed off, a deep red coming to his cheeks.

"Thank you very much," I said, grabbing a fork to begin eating. Light had really been stepping out of his comfort zone and that has made me happy for him. He was trying so hard to be a new Light. A better Light. I was proud of him.

Dinner continued on with easy conversation about school and work. Nothing too horribly serious. But there was an underlying emotion that I couldn't exactly place. It had Light stumbling over his words and his hands shaking just slightly. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to ask.

"Light, what's going on?"

"I can't treat my boyfriend to a birthday dinner?" Light asked defensively, a teasing smile on his face. He was being so playful. I had never seen him like this before. It was endearing. Something that made me want to remember this birthday. Something that made me want to etch this single moment into my mind.

"I never said-"

"But there is something that I want to ask you," Light interrupted me, his hands dropping to his lap. "Something that I have been wanting to ask you. And now just seemed like the-the right time."

Light stood from his seat and came around the table to me, taking my hands and pulling me from my chair. His hands trembled in mine, but it wasn't from fear. Maybe it was nerves? I had never known Light to be nervous though.

"Lawliet," he whispered, pulling me closer to him.

There was an airiness to the way he said my name and an electricity in those eyes. Those eyes that held flecks of red in them. Held so much strength remaining despite the years of weathering, so much life. And his posture was no less than perfect, his shoulders and back straight and tall. And his suit... If I had my choice, he would never wear anything except for a tux for the rest of his life.

He took a deep breath, his bright smile ever present on his pink lips. His voice shook slightly as he spoke.

"I didn't fall into love with you," he began, gripping my hands a little tighter. Where was this going? What was happening? "I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way." He licked his lips and exhaled sharply as if he couldn't catch his breath. "I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway."

His eyes held mine and I couldn't bare to look away. Those eyes, those damn eyes, they danced around widened black pupils, browns and reds more brilliant than any artist could mix. And maybe that's why my favorite color was red. It was because of his electric eyes.

"And I'd choose you," Light continued. "In a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find and I would chose you."

His right hand left mine, leaving my skin ablaze, his eyes a fever over my body. Tongue swiped against pink, and I watched the energy behind heated red, watched the decision churn behind his bitten lip.

Before I knew exactly what was happening, Light lowered himself to one knee, his right hand digging through his coat pocket, the left one holding still just as tightly to my hand. And there was light in the form of a smile stretched over lips, the glow of the red in shining eyes.

And my mind was blank, as the words became vibrant and alive and smoldering in the space between us, filled by only a silver band in a black velvet box.

"Lawliet, will you marry me?"

I had never felt my mind so empty. It was scrambling to process the request and screamed at my muscles to move, but nothing seemed to work. And all at once, it was like I was shoved back into reality, back into this world, back into this small clearing lit with candles and Light's eyes and smile.

My demands at movement came as a whole, and my head bobbed in a nod. How absolutely pathetic I must have looked beside Light.

The first time he had said that he loved me, I had had a panic attack. But somehow this was easier than that. Somehow I knew that I wanted this. Somehow it was just... Right. There was nothing wrong with this moment.

And I knew, as that silver greeted my finger, that I was his. But there was a dull throb behind my ribcage, an anchoring weight in my heart. A decreasing space, shrinking between our bodies, our hearts, our lives... And it was so incredibly dizzying, painting a soft haze over every neuron, firing jutters into the ends of fingertips, a dullness into the tips of toes.

But I didn't want to fear this. I didn't want the apprehension to grab hold of me as Light looked up at me with energy in his eyes, so I slipped onto my knees, beside him, aching closer and closer until there was barely a breath between us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fall For You- Secondhand Serenade 
> 
> Please let me know what you guys thought! I hope it wasn't too cheesy. And that none of it seemed forced. This chapter was a bit more difficult for me to write. So, please let me know! Thanks!


	7. Emergency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t going to make it. Was it almost over?
> 
> I want the death note! Please, make this stop. Please.
> 
> “Give it to me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while. Here is the chapter! Wohoo! Sorry. I am living on no sleep for the last two days. Also, I've written most of this on my phone, so if there are typos, I am so sorry! But I hope you all enjoy!

*Light’s POV*

 

I didn’t want to do anything today. I felt like I was trapped in my bed. I felt like the world was crushing down on me, suffocating me. Everything hurt in every possible way that it was able to hurt. My muscles were stiff and seemed to creak like old floorboards when I tried to move them. My bones clicked like the second hand of a clock. And my heart and lungs were so out of sync that I felt like I had to mentally focus on them one at a time to make them function in any sort of way that would keep me alive.

But my mind was the worse. My mind was as barren as a desert, but as flooded as an ocean. And the migraine. It was one of the worse I had ever experienced. But I knew it wasn't a normal migraine. It was obsessive with the want. The cries and screams. I wanted that death note that kept popping up. I wanted that death note that plagued my every painfully swimming thought. I wanted that death note. I wanted it. I wanted it.

That's all I could fucking think. I wanted it! I would do anything to have it back. Amidst the wanting there was complete scolding. Mental abuse towards myself, because hours before I had been tearing the house apart. I had been looking, searching.

And I couldn't stop myself. My body had a mind of its own. My mind cried and begged, but my body searched desperately. Tore rooms to pieces, broke lamps and dishes, ruined bathrooms and sitting rooms, toppled furniture.

L was less than impressed and as a result, he had Watari clean my disasters and I was back with a chain around my wrist, connecting me to L, who was the last person I wanted to be with at the moment.

And there was the nausea. Would it ever stop? I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't bring myself to move from the bed, where I felt like I was strapped down, though was free to move about as far as my leash would permit.

But I didn't. I stayed with my face in the pillow, my fingers nervously picking at the sheet beneath me, my lungs refusing to let me get much air, though that was probably due to me laying face down and trying to smother my pain and myself with my pillow.

The cuff around my wrist burned. I knew it was in my head, but that's why I wasn't wearing more than what I had to. It burned my skin. It burned with the heat of a ferocious volcano and I wanted it off.

I want the death note. I want the death note. I want the death note. I want the death note.

My lungs ached.

I want the death note.

My skin prickled and burned.

I want the death note.

My mind screamed and pain pounded my skull.

I want the death note!

My nails clawed at the bedding.

I want that death note!

My stomach lurched, begging to be emptied.

I want that goddamn fucking death note!

I was going to go insane. That blasted typing and flipping of papers hammered my ears, making me mentally sick. It needed to stop before I stopped it for him.

My hands went to my head and pulled at my hair until my scalp prickled. but a clinking broke my hands away from my head. That stupid chain!

My free hand took hold of it and pulled and pushed, my skin swelling and growing red. Off! Off! I want it off!

“Stop,” L said softly, his freezing fingers somehow hotter than the magma clamped around my wrist. And it hurt. There was a deep pain that was more than skin deep because, even if his touch was whisper soft it was bruising me.

I could feel myself twitch under his gaze. Everything seemed to twitch. My hands, legs, my eyes. Everything twitched and I wanted to dig at the muscles until I could rip them from me to stop the twitching. They were almost as bad as the typing had been.

I want the death note.

I pulled at the cuff helplessly, just feeling it bruise and tear at my skin. But it wouldn’t come off and underneath the wanting of what I couldn’t have, I knew that it wouldn’t come off. And I knew that he was just helping and doing what he thought was right, but I didn’t fucking want it.

I want the death note.

“Light, please stop,” L tried again, his voice distant to me. I was within myself, blackness around me as my face pushed further into the pillow. His fingers seared my body as they pulled my other hand from the cuff. I fought against him with all the strength I could manage in my tired muscles. “Light, please. Just relax. It’ll pass soon.”

I looked up from the pillow, my cheeks wet with tears, though I wasn’t crying. My eyes were just watering so badly that it felt like I was. And I reached out, fingers extended towards L, whose face was blank, but whose eyes held a small amount of worry in them.

I want the death note.

Maybe his touch wouldn’t hurt so badly. Maybe I would push past it. Because I didn't want to be alone at the moment, but I didn't want him. But I did want him. I didn't know what I wanted from him.

I want the death note.

But before I could seek out even L’s scorching touch, an overwhelming anger in my stomach ripped me from the bed and pushed me to the on suite, L stumbling after me as the chain pulled him with me.

My stomach contracted so violently that I almost had no time to reach the toilet bowl. I heaved again and once more my stomach expelled its contents. I could not move from where I knelt, one hand holding my hair from my face, the other gripping the porcelain. Weakness took over me, grounding me to the single spot. I retched until only clear liquid was coming up. My throat felt sore from the stomach acid that was layering it and my mouth tasted vile. The stomach-acid stench filled my nostrils. I surveyed the mess with watery eyes and my stomach dry-heaved again.

I wasn’t going to make it. Was it almost over?

I want the death note! Please, make this stop. Please.

“Give it to me,” I found myself begging through my snot, tears and dry heaves. “I need it!” I coughed, my body curling further around the coldness the toilet gave. “Make this stop!”

A hand touched my bare back, caressing me softly as my body jolted with its attempts to empty my guts. “Light, you told me that you didn’t want to destroy life, remember? Everything will be alright.” I could sense him kneel beside me, his hand still wandering over my back soothingly, despite the invisible bruising it left behind. “Just remember what you want. Remember what you have.”

I dropped from my knees to my butt, sobbing. Both my hands were in my hair, pulling like it was my life reserve. “I’m so afraid,” I whispered, coughing and rubbing at my eyes and nose. “I can’t do this. Is it almost over? Please let me have it. Please!”

Arms wrapped around me and I was pulled against L’s chest. He hushed me gently, his fingers tangling in my hair. There was a bit of guilt in his hold, but from what I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t even sure if it was guilt. There was too much going on in my mind for me to know exactly what L felt at the moment.

“What can I do to help? What do you need?” he asked me softly. I could only shake my head as a reply. I didn’t know what would help. No. I did. I knew so well what would help. I needed the death note. That would be the only thing that would help me. Especially since my really bad withdrawals would last a day or two. I couldn’t deal with this. I had finals in two days. “Would you like some water?” he tried again. I nodded before I knew what I was doing and L gave me a squeeze before releasing me and standing up so that he could get my cup from my bedside table.

I curled up on the cold tile floor, one of my arms pulled tight from the cuff, but I didn’t move. My body was on fire and I wanted this cold. I wanted this cold to soothe my migraine. I wanted this cold to relieve the ache in my stomach. I wanted this cold to douse the fire that burned across my skin.

There was a deep throbbing as my pulse pushed into my wrist, but it ebbed away as L returned to the bathroom to fill up the cup he had grabbed. I was able to pull my wrist into my chest and curl up even further into a ball.

The movement felt like I was falling, but L pulled me back against him and helped me drink the water that was in the cup. As I gulped the water greedily, the frostiness dulled the soreness in my throat and spread all the way through me. The frigidness that shot through me rested my find and I was back on the tile floor and not freefalling in L’s arms.

And the fire was gone, replaced by the frost of fallen snow and I shivered. My body temperature had dropped in an instant. I curled up closer to L’s body, seeking his detrimental heat, but the burn I wanted to feel wasn’t there. Instead it was luke warm. His skin had always been colder than mine, but this was when I needed it to be warmer and it just wasn’t.

I broke into tears again, no control over my body. I was so cold. I wanted warmth. I wanted heat. I wanted to bath in ignited thermite.

“I want it,” came from me, my legs twitching with the want to run for the door. To continue the search. “Give it to me.”

“Would you like more water?” L questioned kindly.

I knew what he was doing. He was trying to distract, but I knew what my goal was. I was going to reach that goal. I was going to get that death note. My body would search it out, and my mind wasn’t far behind. I wasn’t sure how much longer my sanity would hold out. I wasn’t sure how much more my resolve could take before my mind gave in, gave me what my body craved.

“Are you cold?”

I nodded and dug myself further into his chest, so far I felt him pull back slightly. I must have hurt him. But I didn’t care. I needed to stay right here. I needed L to ground me in place. I needed him to keep me as far away from that stupid collection of papers.

“How about I-”

“Don’t leave me,” I begged, my fists taking his shirt.

My mind was melting. It felt like it was turning to liquid. No thought was straight forward anymore. It was all broken to pieces that I couldn’t put in order. Incoherent. And I was shattering. I was cracking into a million shards. There was nothing I could do to keep myself together. If I tried I would just cut myself. It would be better just to let myself fall apart.

The whole world was at my fingertips and I was the reason it was crumbling. And an urgency filled me, though I couldn’t tell what from. All I knew was that my chest was tight and I was wanting to do something, anything. And that overwhelming urgency was clawing up my throat and swimming in my stomach. It was consuming my insides and I didn’t even know what it wanted from me.

Was I asleep? Maybe I would wake up and all of this would be over. But I couldn’t have been. The worse part of withdrawing had always been the insomnia that came with the pain. This was the most tired I had ever been. And the term exhausted was being nice. I was beyond that. But sleep eluded me. I could try my damnedest to sleep through this horrible existence. It was almost laughable the way your body almost said, I don’t think so. Sleep was always a distant, wonderful memory to me. And the more I tried, the further away it got.

It was torture. I can barely stay awake….or it seemed that way. It was like being awake and asleep at the same time. On a thin line between the two and I wanted sleep so badly….and it won't ease my terribly uncomfortable existence. Like a zombie. Half dead, half alive. I’m alive but honestly I could only think about how wonderful it would feel to die. It would be a relief from something like this. Back and forth, over and over.

“Light, come on,” L whispered,dragging me from my mind and back to the bathroom floor. But I wasn’t in L’s arms anymore. I was just limbs on the tile with steam lightly beginning to fog the mirror. “This’ll help get you warm.” L knelt down beside me and reached out his hand, but I couldn’t take it. It was so far away. Too far away.

When I didn’t move, he took my bicep and pulled me up into a sitting position and then dragged me to my feet, my knees weak under me. He swiftly caught me as my legs gave way beneath me, taking all of my weight onto him.

“I’m not as strong as you, Light. I need a bit of help,” he said through clenched teeth, his hands tightening around me. I did my best, but it was like my body way on auto pilot. It moved on it’s own and I was no longer in charge. I moved from L’s grip and to the tub, and climbed in without a second thought. L opened his mouth and I could tell he was about to say something, but stopped himself and sighed. “Next time, let’s undress you, alright?”

I glanced down and saw I was in my pj bottoms. But I didn’t care. The warmth of the water was edging out the frost that still covered my skin. I slipped down in the tub, sinking below the surface. The outside world grew muffled and it was like the world around me was completely silent. And a freedom filled my chest, chasing away the tightness.

I was on the top of a mountain, overlooking the whole world, arms outstretched with the wind in my air. I was free and the feeling was so warm and inviting, that I didn’t want to come back to the cold reality of my pain.

My lungs ached with the lack of oxygen, but I didn’t budge. I felt high and safe and the withdrawal was just a liquid passage away. But I must have stayed under the water for far too long, because something clamped around my arm and yanked me up.

A chilled breeze blew over my face as the water dripped from my hair back into the tub. I was pulled into a tight hug and could hear worried breathing. L’s hands clung to me.

“I turn around for two seconds and you start turning blue,” he gasped in my ear. “Don’t do that to me!” I blinked several times, trying to decode what L was saying to me. “I can’t imagine a world without you, Light.”

“It would be very dark,” I muttered. Maybe I could make him smile. I knew that this was as stressful for him as it was for me. It couldn’t be easy to be on the other end. But his laugh brought back my migraine and I wanted to go back under the water again. Even for just a moment.

“You warm enough now?”

I gave a nod, hiding my face into his neck. I pulled him closer, still shivering from the coldness of my limbs that were out of the water. I was warmer, but I wanted more. These stupid cold and hot flashes.

I let go of my hold on L and rested back down into the tub, closing my eyes and resting my head against the side. I inhaled deeply, the steam clearing my head a bit. The want was still ever present, though. That gnawing, clawing, digging feeling. I wanted that death note more than I had ever wanted anything.

“Is there anything else that I can do for you?” L asked sweetly, his fingers brushing back my hair.

He must really care about me. He had so much work that he should have been doing. Including a new case that was anything but knew. It was a long gone cold case, but L had found it interesting enough to take it up. And I needed to get ahold of Adam and set up a search for the brother’s house and then there was still that ordeal in Paris. Not to mention that the Kira case in Japan was still on his radar. 

“Can I see your ring?” I asked softly, holding out my hand from the warm depths of the water that surrounded me. I looked over his face and gave a weak smile at his embarrassment. How cute. I wished to see that more often. I wished that I could watch the blood rush to his cheeks more.

L held out his hand to me, and I took it, looking over the shining silver band that adorned his finger. It was so perfect. It honestly looked like it belonged there. It looked like it had always belonged there. It fit him so well.

“You’re beautiful,” I whispered into the steamy air. L quickly looked away from me and I gave another small smile. It was so easy to make him lose his focus. If I would have known that earlier on, I would have just complimented him more. That might have gotten further than trying to seduce him had. I reached over with my other hand and took his cheek. He glanced up at me, water running down his cheek from my touch. “Thank you for sticking with me.” He rested into my hand and gave a shrug. He was so easy to control.

Why did I enjoy manipulating people? They were just so easy to piece together and to tease. But L had been the most fun. He was so closed and so secretive that I just pushed. Pushed to know him, to know everything about him and in turn, pushed myself to love him. It had never been my plan to develop feelings for this amazing man. It had hurt me more than I had ever thought that it would, but now...

I was happy. Truly happy. If I could just stay with him, I would be forever happy. Even if every day was hell because of all of the horrible things that I had done, as long as he was at my side, I could make it. I would make it through this. I would be able to make it through this withdrawal, and eventually they would fade away. And it would all be because of him.

“Come closer,” I muttered, pulling his hand further towards me. He gave me a confused look as I lead his hand into the still rather warm water.

“What are you doing?” he asked curiously. I leaned forward slightly and placed a kiss to his lips before pulling him towards me. He collapsed in the water and came up gasping, his hair covering more than half of his face. He pushed it aside, making it stick up more and usual and then wiped the water from his eyes. “What was that for?”

I gave him a shrug as my answer and he hit my chest before leaning up against me. I circled my arms around him. I needed to remember this moment. Because the second this water turned cold, I knew that the worst symptoms were going to be coming back. Maybe if I could hold onto this moment, the next stage wouldn't be too horrible.

“You could have told me so I didn't get my clothes wet,” L grumbled, nuzzling into my neck.

“They were already wet.”

He curled up into me, his body lighter in the water than it normally was. But I didn't mind. He was here to help me. To be with me through everything. Even though he didn't have to be, he was. And I loved him for it. I could never fault this man. I could never judge him because he was perfect in everyway and was completely selfless.

But before I could truly and deeply relax into this moment, something caught my eye. A leather bound, black notebook atop the counter.

My grip tightened on L. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair in the slightest. Ryuk was going to be the death of me far sooner than I wanted him to be.

My heart was racing and I was sure that L could hear it because he placed a kiss to my neck and whispered:

“Everything's ok. We'll get through this.”

I wouldn't. I wanted it. Oh, I fucking wanted it. I wanted it.

Give me the fucking death note!

 

***

 

I don't think I had ever wanted to break a promise so badly in my life. I don't think I had ever wanted to physically hurt myself to pull from all the other pain I was feeling. And the only way that I could distract myself was to throw myself into my school work. And that was torture. I wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball beside the toilet incase I got sick again.

But I still needed to study. I had finals. And I had completely forgotten about my therapy session. I needed to go to that. I really didn’t want to. They always seemed to end n bad notes with me getting a migraine or getting sick in some way. I wasn’t exactly sure as to why, but I had pushed it off to the excuse that it was stress.

I hardly shared private and personal information with L and I knew he was the same towards me. And it wasn’t that we didn’t trust each other, I think it had more to do with the respect we had for each other’s lives. If we wanted to share, we would. But with a doctor who analyzed and expected every small detail of your life to be told, it wore me out. It was more than difficult. It was nearly impossible for me to do.

“Did you want to come back to bed, Light? It’s getting pretty late. You have finals tomorrow, right?” L’s voice said somewhere through the fog of my mind.

It took a fair amount of time before I was able to pull myself away from the textbook I was highlighting. When his words finally registered with full meaning in my brain, I glanced to the watch on my wrist.

Time had never moved more slowly than it did now. It had only been two hours. I could have bet my life on the fact that it was nearer to morning by now. And how I wanted it to be near morning.

“Tomorrow? I have another-”

“Today is Sunday, Light,” L interrupted me. “You should be getting some rest. I know how tired you are.”

I wanted to say that I wouldn’t be able to anyways, but my mind could only focus on the date. Was today really Sunday? Did I really have to go to school tomorrow. I thought that I had another day. I thought that I had more time.

But with a sigh, I rose from my chair. I knew he was right. I should at least try to get some rest. I was 100% sure that sleep would never greet me, but again, I should at least try.

I collapsed onto the bed, hiding my face in the pillow. I felt a hand gently rub my back, and despite how uncomfortable and bruising the feeling felt, I didn't pull away. It might not have been comfortable, but it was comforting.

L had been so kind to me. Somehow, he always found the time for me. He would just drop work to help me, and I knew just how much there was for him to do. I knew first hand. I enjoyed watching work. And he could work for the rest of time and never be able to finish all of the cases that were sent to him. But he did try.

There was movement beside me and I couldn't help but jump as a kiss was placed to the back of my neck. And then another and another.

“What are you doing?” I mumbled, trying to sit up enough to glance back at L. But I stopped at how dizzy the movement made me.

“Trying to help you forget,” L whispered softly against my ear. He pushed back my hair and nipped the top of my earlobe.

A slight shiver ran through me and I hear L give a slight chuckle. He pulled back enough for me to roll over so I could see him better.

He didn't look tired in the slightest, save for the dark circles under his eyes telling a different story. His dark eyes were shining kindly beneath his midnight hair. And his lips were smiling brightly.

He looked so different compared to just a few months ago. He no longer looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He no longer looked anxious or honestly dead, like a reanimated corpse.

He was so beautiful when he was smiling. I never got to see that smile enough. I never got to hear him laugh enough. Maybe soon,I would get to see that more. Maybe, when these few big cases were done, then I could make him happy like this all the time.

I reached out my hand to him, cupping his cheek and pulling him downwards towards me. I didn't pay him enough attention. I didn't love him enough. I didn't praise him for his accomplishments. I needed to give him more. I needed to show him more. He deserved that from me. He deserved more than anything that I could ever give him, and he gave me more than I could ever hope to return.

If I could just show him how much he meant to me. If I could just let him feel how much I loved him, how special he was to me.

I placed a kiss to his lips, pulling him down, closer to me. I would show him. Somehow, he would know how badly I needed him in my life. He would realize that he had saved me with. His never ending kindness and understanding and second chances.

I knew I didn't deserve any of that after all of my sins. After every life that I had ever destroyed. After ever family I had torn apart. After how much I had hurt him...

Why did it take his death to wake me up? Why did it take losing something that I dearly loved for me to snap back to reality? Why couldn't I come to earlier? I could have saved so much pain. I could have saved so much trouble.

But here he was, loving me unconditionally. Loving me with all his heart. Loving me enough to agree with a silver promise that he would spend the rest of his life with me.

Ungrateful, greedy, undeserving me. Addicted, murdering, monster me.

Would.... This physical act display how much he meant to me? Or... Did I need to find something that was somehow more intimate? Whatever it was, I would find it. I would show him everyday that I loved him. I would buy him flowers and kiss him goodbye. I would cook him breakfast, and make sure he took care of himself when cases became too much.

I would do everything I could to make sure that he was happy, and smiling and laughing. He deserved at least that

“I love you, Lawliet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emergency- Paramore


	8. Had Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back then had seemed so long ago, though it wasn't as far as I thought. And it might not have been that far away time wise, but it was a completely different world. An utterly different world.
> 
> The world used to be so straightforward. It used to make sense. It used to be difficult, but it was in no way impossible.

*L’s POV*

 

I winced slightly, adjusting the cuff around my wrist. Until Light was better, I would have to keep this cuff on us. But he was alright, he didn’t have a death note and he was fast asleep. He needed the rest. He needed to sleep away all of the torture he was in. And he was trying so hard to keep our promise. I knew he was. Even when I caught him searching the house, I knew he was doing his best.

This withdrawal had been particularly bad, and I just hoped that he would get over it soon. And tomorrow, he could have another full day of rest. I would get him to cancel his therapy session, and his finals didn’t begin until tuesday. Tomorrow was just another extra review day. I had triple checked to make sure that he was ok to just rest.

Rest was the best thing that I could give him at the moment.

But that was also the best thing that he could give me. Now I could work and not be afraid of him hurting himself. I hadn’t told him, but I had solved the Paris case without him, if I could trust my emails. As well as having Watari to bounce ideas off of again. It helped greatly.

But the Paris case had been interesting and my weird theory, one that i normally would have shot down because Light didn’t agree, was correct. The security tapes had shone the brother arriving at the hotel. And it had taken quite a bit of force, but I had gotten footage of the lobby and hallways as well. 

After watching all of the footage, and rewatching it several ties to make sure that I hadn’t missed anything, I had come to the same conclusion. The brother must have gotten ill and the hotel staff had taken him to the hospital because of how high his fever was.

And once the bother was gone, they had to come up with a story to tell the sister. The head manager that had been on duty had finally told police what had happened after Watari had called them to inform them that the brother was indeed in the hospital, due to records and that the sister had been telling the truth.

The manager had said that because of the epidemic that had been going around and that the owner of the branch was coming to give an inspection, they couldn't afford to make the guests sick and ruin their reputation. Not to mention that they had been booked because of the concert.

I wasn’t exactly clear on what the charges would be for the staff, because everyone had been notified of the story and told to go along with it. But that wasn’t my concern any more. The brother was safe, the sister was innocent, and no one had been injured in anyway. 

And now that that case was finished and the suspicious suicide was almost coming to a close, I could work on the other two that were clogging my inbox.

That damn Kira case was grinding my gears and I wasn't sure where to even begin. Because this wasn’t Light. This wasn’t a man who I had spent the better part of two years hunting down and spending every living and breathing second with. This was someone new who had the power. Who had a death note. Who, like Gregory, Misa or even Light, could find my name in a matter of moments. It was too dangerous for me to handle in person like I had when Light was my Kira. It was better that I stayed where I was. But that wouldn’t help me.

Plus, his kill count was going up every day. More and more people were dying, but they weren’t just criminals. Light had been on an almost exact path, a very strict guideline, to only kill criminals. And Misa, when she found Light, had followed his lead.

But now, those who were dying were innocent bystanders as well as criminals. Maybe the innocent had records that were wiped that I didn’t know about. Or maybe, the innocent were somehow related in someway to Kira. That’s where I would need to start. Searching up victims and their records as well as their family, friend and school relationships. I needed to start finding connections.

But the other case that was on my mind was the cold case I had picked up. I had never worked a cold case before, but I didn’t think that would be that difficult. Just a puzzle that already had most of its pieces. I just needed that last few. All of the work had been done for me. I just needed to figure out how it all worked together.

A young girl was found on the side of a jogging track after missing for five days. She was eventually identified as Catherine Blakely, a college student who was last seen by her roommate Daphne Bridgit. Catherine had been on her way to her therapy session with Doctor Rose West.

The name stuck out to me, but I would come back to that in a bit. I needed to work through the known facts first before I went off and started thinking about the name Rose West. 

When the doctor was contacted, she said that Catherine had never arrived for the appointment. Daphne had been taking a test at the testing center and had left right when Catherine had for her therapy session. The roommate as well as the doctor were put through extensive questioning, but had no idea what had happened to Catherine. Her family was also questioned, but none had seen her since she had come home for her weekend visit. And each family member had a solid alibi. Children were in school, and both parents were in meetings at work.

Then the questioning went to all of her teachers. But all of them said that they hadn’t seen her since the last class period and all of them had alibis for during the time she had gone missing, whether it was teaching a class, to being out of town or spending time with their family. They all checked out.

And that’s where the case had begun to grow cold. There were no leads to follow. And there were never any tips called in. No one knew where she had gone, who had done it, or how she had ended up so close to the jogging trail with no one noticing who had placed her body there.

And the cause of death was never specified. She had multiple bruises on her body, though none of them had any specific tellings as to what they came from. The parents believed that they had happened while she was having seizures.

When questioned about her medical condition, she had recently began having seizures. The reason for them hadn’t been discovered yet. But her roommate had, nicely enough, been studying medicine and knew how to handle the seizures while getting Catherine medical help from professionals. 

It’s very possible that she had died from a seizure, but there was no way to be100% sure without a better autopsy. And it had been about a decade. There wouldn’t be very much of a body left at all. 

I wasn't sure what I would do about finding the cause of death. I could talk to the M.E. who did the work. That's what I would have to do. I would have to backtrack and re interview everyone that was ever involved with the case. I would end up digging a lot of dirt and hard feelings.

But... That would be Light's job. God, this was so infuriating. Not that I had ever really done any of the leg work myself unless it absolutely had to be done, but I didn't like the option not being free for me to use.

I was slowly going crazy in this house. Watari was helping, but soon he would be leaving to go back to Japan with the Yagamis when Light's graduation was over.

A graduation that I would not be able to attend. And for some reason that bothered me. I couldn't place a finger on it, but I was thoroughly upset that I wasn't going to be able to go.

Maybe because it was a way to show support to Light. Not that I hadn't been supportive to him. I felt like I had been. I had helped with his schooling, I had gotten him an under the table job with the police... Maybe that was more selfish than it was for Light, but it would help him as well. He wanted to be part of the police force and rise to detective, and I had given him an in. And then I had helped him through nights like tonight.

Nights where he was in so much mental pain that he couldn't do anything but cry and tear into himself for days at a time. Nights where he couldn't sleep, where nightmares were the new norm but nonetheless terrifying.

Nights like...

“L?” came Light's soft voice.

I gave a small sigh and lowered the paper in my forefingers to look down at him. I ran my fingers through his hair. I had just gotten him to sleep. I felt almost like a parent during times where he was sick. I had taken care of him in everyway that I could possible help and gotten him to finally relax, so I could get some much needed work done. But... I loved him. He would always come before my work.

“What's the matter?” I asked gently.

“Will you play the piano for me?”

I was slightly taken aback by the request. I hadn't heard that for several weeks. He hadn't asked me to play for a while, I had figured he had just grown tired of my music.

But I would gladly play for him whenever he asked. He was the only one who hadn't judged me upon knowing that I played, unlike the rest of the task force. Not that they teased me in any way, but somehow I just knew that they thought it was strange and weird that I could play.

“Of course,” was my answer.

I stood from the bed and walked around to the other side, taking Light's outstretched hand. I pulled him out of the bed carefully and wrapped my arm around his waist as he stumbled. He grimaced, his hand reaching out and clutching the front of my white shirt for balance. 

“I’ve got you,” I whispered, holding him tightly as we made our way slowly out of the room. The stairs were a touch difficult, but we made them down in one piece. And then to the music room. I offered him the couch for him to lay down, but he refused and took his normal chair beside the grand. I took my seat on the bench and stretched slightly. “Any requests?”

“Something soft,” he answered, sinking in his chair in a deep slouch, eyes closed.

His skin was pale and ashen, sickly. And his forehead glistened with sweat. He wore a light t-shirt and his boxers, shivering, but he refused to put on anything else over the top of it because he said it hurt him.

I gave another small sigh. What was I supposed to do with him? Had it been my fault that he had this withdrawal? It had to have been. He hadn't had this bad of one in at least a month.

My fingers took their position on the keys and I played gently, an Impromptu by Schubert. Light always tended to enjoy German influenced music more than any other. And that gave me a fairly large amount of pieces to choose from.

Composers like Bach, Beethoven, Handel, Brahms, Mendelssohn... And though Schubert was Austrian, German was very present in his style.

I glanced over and could see Light's knee gently bouncing in time to the music, his arms folded over his chest and his head tipped back against the chair.

There was a noise behind me and I glanced back to see Watari with a tray of tea and cookies. A small amount of guilt flowed through me. I didn’t mean wake him. And the absolutely didn’t need to make me anything. I could make tea. It wasn’t that hard to make. Though, I had never really tried to make cookies before. Though it probably wouldn’t be that difficult.

I continued playing as he poured out two cups for us and set one atop of the piano for me and handed one to Light who sat up stiffly in his chair.

A plate of cookies was placed beside the tea and I could see him bow to the side of me. I gave a small nod and he went back to his tray.

I glanced behind me to see him pass Light a small cup with two pills in it for him to take. Light gave a look of displeasure, but he took the medicine. With another small bow, Watari left the room.

I turned back to the piano as Light rested back in the chair, his tea set aside. The room was silent other than the piano and by the time I had finished the seven minute piece, I could hear Light snoring easily.

He must have been so tired, but I couldn't move him. I wasn't strong enough and I knew if I did move him back to our room he would just be too awake. I could try to move him to the couch. That way he wouldn't be so horribly stiff when he woke up.

But before I could get to my feet, his voice greeted me. “Why did you stop playing?” he hadn't moved or opened his eyes. He hadn't even inhaled deeply signalling he had woken. I blushed slightly at the words, embarrassed for some reason that I couldn't place. He hummed a small tune, his knee bouncing again. “Can you play that one?”

Elgar? English? That was unusual for Light. I knew the piece. But only the accompaniment.

“I do not know how to play the cello,” I muttered. A small smile covered Light's lips and pink dusted his cheeks.

“You could if you wanted to,” he replied, a bit of happiness to his voice. He scratched at his nose, the chain clanking as he moved, but he didn't seem to notice. “You could do anything you ever wanted.”

I felt my chest grow tight and my cheeks fill with warmth at the words. It was true. The cello wouldn't be that horribly complicated for me to learn.

The strings were each a note and each finger represented another note. And the cello read bass clef a good percentage of the time. I wouldn't have to learn a new staff. It wasn't like playing the viola or something as off putting as that.

“I'll hum the cello parts,” Light pushed.

I could figure out the cello’s notes if I was given a little bit of time, but I had never really heard Light do anything musically save for that scale he played once so long ago.

“Alright.” I nodded and turned back to the piano. I waited for him to start. This would be interesting.

He began the minor rolled chord, his voice soft and rusty. But it wasn't unpleasant in any way. It was in no way a voice for the grandest of stages, but it was a sweet sound that would be pleasent to hear in the kitchen or on a walk.

Then the next rolled chord. And I played my notes. i played along to his gently hums until they slowed and eventually came to a stop. But I continued to play. I couldn’t bring myself to stop.

It was like one night when Light was beside the piano, in his hospital bed. He hung to every last note I had played until sleep caught up to him.

But I couldn't bring myself to stop playing. And so I played for hours, living on my normal sugar and collagen tea, until the sun had rose.

I had been so worried about him. More so than I was now. I was worried, yes, nut he wasn't in the grasp of death. He was just in immense pain.

Back then had seemed so long ago, though it wasn't as far as I thought. And it might not have been that far away time wise, but it was a completely different world. An utterly different world.

The world used to be so straightforward. It used to make sense. It used to be difficult, but it was in no way impossible. Now that I knew about the shinigamis and death notes, the world was upside down. It confused me to no end. It made me want to know more, but at the same time I didn't want to know anything about it.

The song came to an end and I snatched up a cookie, munching on it. I turned back to look over Light to make sure that he was still alright.

I got to my feet and stepped over to him, reaching out and gently resting my hand on his forehead. He was still burning up, but at least he was resting.

He always claimed that he had insomnia when he had withdrawals, but I think he would be surprised at how much sleep he did get.

I knew it wasn't a pleasant sleep, that he woke up often and had trouble getting back to sleep, but he did sleep.

I leaned forward and placed a kiss to his head, stroking his hair. My ring caught the light and when I pulled back, I held out the silver band to see.

I had never seen my life here. I had never seen my life particularity anywhere other than locked in a room with sweets and technology to keep my company.

But this ring was my life. It was new and scary and felt a little weird still. But I wasn't alone anymore.

I had never seen my life here. I never thought that in my wildest dreams I would feel this way for another person.

I had never seen my life this way. Rehabbing a killer. It was almost funny in a way. The one thing I had been fighting against for almost my whole life was now what I was desperately in love with.

I gave him all of me that I could. I knew there were parts of me that would never come to light, parts of me that would be hidden and taken to the grave.

And it wasn't because of Light or because of what he was. It wasn't because of the sins of his past. It was because I would never be able to accept those parts of me enough to tell someone about them.

And I never thought that I would be in a relationship. I never thought I would be happy. I never thought that I would eventually be married, tied to the one I loved.

I made my way back to the piano bench and picked up my tea, but paused.

Married... The thought sent a flood of nervousness through me. It wouldn't be in anyway a big wedding. Light's family would never know. I'm certain they would never hear about the wedding.

The only one that would be likely to attend would be Watari. I would be happy with that. Would Light though? Would he be able to live this type of life?

A life where he lived two lives, mine and his. A life where he did everything for me when it came to being out in public. A life where... It would be only us with our demons.

I didn't want to live that life forever. I needed to get out of this place. I needed to live my life and I needed to work more efficiently.

We would have to talk about all of this. We had a lot to talk about and I knew that we couldn't keep avoiding all of it. If we did, we would eventually crack and fall apart. I knew that it would blow up in our faces.

It would end us if we waited too long, but I understood why he didn't want to have this conversation. I didn't want to have it either. It would create a deeper rift between us that I wasn't sure we could fix. We were already so far apart and we were so happy in this fake space. In this deceiving calmness.

It would end. It always ends. Everything always came to a stop, whether is was a storm, a movie or someone's heart... It always ended.

I took a sip of my cooling tea and set it back on the piano. I pulled my knees closer to my chest and looked over Light slowly, inch by inch.

I really did care for him deeply. I really did try my best to make him happy. I really did try to come out of my shell for him. I just hoped that he saw it. And I hoped that he was giving me the same.

The longer I looked over him, the more Ryuk’s words snuck to the forefront of my mind.

There is a price for anything you do with the death note, even erasing a name has its consequences.

What was the other consequence? The first had been someone taking my place. And like Ryu, I knew for a fact that if Light had known, he never would have made the deal. But what was so easy for him to say yes to? What was the price? And what about me was so important that he would risk the price for me?

“What do you see in me?” I asked softly. “What have you ever seen in me?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea,” a husky voice said beside me. I had to force myself not to jump.

“Why have you taken a liking to me?” I questioned, glancing back enough to see the arm and collar of Ryuk. I turned back to Light and snatched up a cookie to eat.

“You’re the one I’m most interested in at the moment,” was he reply. “I can make more ground with you than I can with him.”

“What is it that you’re wanting to accomplish?” The cookie was no longer sweet to me and I set it down to be forgotten.

“You refuse to hear the other half of my deal, but it has to do with Light and what he did to bring you back.”

I was silent. It had to do with that. Now I was curious. Now I wanted to know more than I had before. What had Light done. What was the deal? But I knew that if I found out what it was that I would be inclined to take it.

“What was the other thing that Light did to bring me back?” I couldn’t stand it any longer. I needed to know.

“Other than replacing you with someone else, one has to give up their chance at heaven or hell and become a shinigami when they die.”

My gaze darted back to Light who still slept soundly, slumped in his chair. A shinigami? Why in the fucking hell would he ever agree to such a harebrained, mentally deranged idea? What would cause him to-

Me.... I was the cause. I was the reason. I was what broke him and made him into what he was now.

“Not that he was going to either in the first place. Maybe the shinigami realm will be better than the void,” Ryuk continued.

Light as a shinigami... The thought was weird and didn’t sit right in my head. It didn’t sit right because it fit. Somehow it made sense for that to be Light’s fate. Somehow I knew he would fit into the shinigami realm without a problem, because he was Light. Because he was the way he was.

My head tipped to the side as silence filled the room. What would Light look like? Would he be as monstrous as Ryuk? Would he be so inhuman to scare, but human enough that you felt an understanding?

And the more I thought of this, the more burning I felt to know. I wanted to know. I needed to know. It would eat me up inside if I didn’t know. “What’s your deal?” I questioned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had Enough- Breaking Benjamin
> 
> (If you want to know the cello piece, it's breathtaking. It's Elgar's Cello Concerto in E Minor Op. 85, Mv. 1)
> 
> Hey guys! Hope you had a wonderful weekend! Thanks for all of the support I always get!


	9. Little Do You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I picked up the glass of water that was on the desk in front of me and took a long sip, but my mouth was still cotten dry. There was a mountain of things bothering me, but I couldn't tell her. She wouldn't understand. I would be locked up in a mental ward for the rest of my days.

*Light’s POV*

 

L was weird that morning when I woke. I straightened myself in that chair, my back sore from the position. I stretched, my bones cracking along to the notes of the piano. I yawned, but L didn’t turn to face me. He nervously continued to play.

Was nervous the right word? He didn’t turn around and his fingers were stuttering in their actions. It was almost as if he were ignoring me, lost in his own small world.

Had he been playing all night for me again? He should have gotten some rest. He shouldn’t have stayed up playing just for me. I was grateful, but he was human like anyone else. He needed his rest.

“How are you feeling?” L finally asked, the notes falling flat as his hands stilled. But he still didn’t turn to face me.

I was silent, slowly moving into myself. I still felt sick, but I didn’t feel like I was dying. I didn’t have that outstanding want anymore. It was still there, but it was quiet enough that I could push it away and ignore it. I’m sure that it would come back as the day continued on because the medicine would wear off and I knew that L would keep me within the 24 hour limit. I had scared him too badly the last time.

“Ok,” was my answer. r. “A little sore.”

“That's to be expected.” L gave a small nod. “Lay on the couch next time, please.”

I gave a confused look at him, but he still didn’t turn towards me. That was so unlike him. Did something happen when I was asleep? “Is everything alright?”

“We...” L trailed off, leaving a deep pit in my chest. We what? What happened? “We need to talk.”

“A-about?” I stuttered. Where was this going? When I couldn’t see his eyes, I wasn’t sure where the conversation would go. I needed to see his reactions, his facial expressions, his tells. Well, he was rubbing his toes, but he wasn’t lying. Was he nervous? There it was again, a hesitation in L’s movements. A stumbling.

He slowly turned to face me on the piano bench and his face was pale and sunken and his eyes held a certain sadness to them. Worry filled me and I tried to get to my feet, but he raised his hand to stop me, the chain clinking between us.

“We can remove that now, if you would like,” L mumbled. He reached over to where a cup of tea rested and picked something up, tossing it to me. I caught the small object and looked to the palm of my hand to find a key. If I would like? Did he enjoy being chained together again? “Light?”

I glanced up from where I was working on removing the cuff around my wrist. “Yes?” I questioned, meeting his gaze with my own.

“When is your graduation?”

The question caught me a bit off guard. I was expecting something else entirely. I wasn’t sure what, but it wasn’t that. “You know the date,” I replied, turning my attention back to the cuff. It unlocked and I let the metal fall to the ground, leaving a red mark on my wrist. I rubbed the sore area, greatful to be free.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were giving a speech?” L said, drawing my attention back to him. “I expected you to be top of your class, but I didn’t think that you would be giving a speech.”

I sighed, a hand running through my hair. I really didn’t want to have this fight, but at least it was over just my speech rather than the problem that was looming over us. And I really didn’t want to fight when I could feel the edges of my migraine slowly returning.

“I didn’t think that it would matter. How did you even find out?” I asked, sitting up fully, but avoiding his eyes that studied me carefully.

“Watari mentioned it.”

Of course he did. Though, I couldn’t be mad at him. I could never be mad at Watari. He had given me everything so that I could have my world back. My father still worked with Watari, so Watari would have heard about my graduation speech.

“I’m very sorry I didn’t tell you.” Maybe if I apologized now, I could stop this fight before it really started. “I just figured that since you couldn’t come, you didn’t need to know.”

I could see the gears turning. I could see him thinking. It was written over his face, but it was more in hieroglyphics than in a language that I understood. His thumb moved to his lip in thought. I just really hoped that he understood where I was coming from.

“Are you going to be able to write it all and speak it by the date?” l questioned. “You still need to pass your finals.”

“I’m the top of the class, a few finals with be nothing so long as my withdrawals stay at bay.” They wouldn’t be hard for me to pass. I was well off with my studying and I had a very good memory. I could pass them. “And with your help, I’m perfectly capable of writing out a speech in English.”

“With my help,” he mumbled causing me to wince. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have fucking said that. “I don’t mind helping you. I wish you would have told me though.” It was as if a relief shot through me and I could finally relax. "I do want to be part of your life, Light. Please understand that even though I am dead to the world, I am not dead to you." He turned back to the piano, picking up some light chord progressions very high up on the keyboard. They were so high, it sounded like the ting of a music box. "Or, at least, I hope I am not dead to you."

Those words caught me. They held me hostage, deep and cold. Did he really feel that way? Did I ignore him that much? I really thought that I had been trying my absolute best to be with him whenever I could. I knew that with school work and soon everyday work would come between us, but I didn't think that it would be that big of a deal.

Or maybe I just wasn't contemplating the correct issue. Maybe the feelings were based the bigger problem between us. The one that we had been avoiding. The one that was slowly driving us apart. We both wanted to hide from our feelings. I knew we both did. We had taught yourself to hide away from the world whatever we could, and now we hide ourselves away from each other.

And this was a problem that no one else in the world had ever faced. This was a problem that help books and therapy and the internet could help. I couldn't just Google how to discuss bringing your fiance back from the dead. I couldn't ask Dr. Sutcliffe to tell me which path I should take to make living this new life easier. I couldn't go to a bookshop and buy a book titled: How to Patch up a Relationship with Your Lover Brought Back to Life from a Death Eraser from a Shinigami.

But I wanted that. I wanted the guide book with the best route to take. I wanted the map with the path marked out in bright red marker. I wanted a street sign that said: This Way To Joy And Happynes, with happiness spelled wrong. I wanted to know which way would cause the least amount of pain for the both of us. But I wasn't going to get that. It just wasn't going to fall from the sky like the death note had. Nothing was that easy.

"Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?" I questioned when I finally found my voice. L's playing didn't break. He was more in control now, but I could tell there was something else on his mind. Something foreboding.

"Have you heard anything more about the Kira case from your father or people at work or school?"

This again, was not the question I was expecting. He was avoiding the subject as much as I was. When would we finally break?

I want the death note.

"No. Nothing. I will pay better attention to the news," I said softly, my nails digging into the palm of my hand at the thoughts that kept popping up. I didn't need the death note. I didn't need the death note. I only wanted it. I didn't need it. Deep breath, move on. "And what about the Paris case? Did you finish that one?"

"Yes." His voice. I didn't like the way he was speaking. I didn't like the tone. It was distant, almost like he knew something that I didn't. Something important. "The outcome was dull, you don't need to worry over it." That wasn't like L at all. No case was ever dull. No case was worth passing up. No case could be spared an explanation because he loved to see my reactions, loved to hear my thoughts, loved to gage my mind.

"Lawliet?" I asked in a soft voice, rising to my feet.

"You need to take some more medicine and then get some more rest. I am under the impression that you will not want to miss your therapy session. I will be more than happy to wake you when it is time for you to leave."

I couldn't fight him. His voice was resolved. This was final. I had to obey. I sighed and turned for the kitchen, but stopped at L's voice.

"And please, for now, don't call me by my name."

***

"There's something bothering you," the blonde therapist said, chewing on the end of her pen.

I picked up the glass of water that was on the desk in front of me and took a long sip, but my mouth was still cotten dry. There was a mountain of things bothering me, but I couldn't tell her. She wouldn't understand. I would be locked up in a mental ward for the rest of my days.

"What's on your mind, Light?" she tried again, pressing just slightly.

What could I give her?

"I just had a fight with my roommate before I came." Could I call it a fight? I wasn't sure what to label it, but it had left me feeling uneasy. She waited patiently for me, the end of her pen clicking in her teeth."My parents are coming for my graduation and my roommate and my parents don't much care for each other." I wasn't sure how else to put it.

"Can they set aside their differences for you? This is your day. Your achievement," she pointed out, pushing her glasses back up as they slid down. Glasses... She had never worn glasses before.

"No. I don't think that that will work," was my answer. "They just can't see eye to eye. I doubt they ever will be able to."

"Your English is getting better. I can tell you’re more confident." There it was again. Every session. Why did she feel the need to say it? I didn't understand. Maybe it was another part of her OCD. "Would you mind telling me more about your relationship with your roommate?"

"What do you want to know?" I asked, sitting forward in my chair enough for me to take another sip of my water.

"I hope you don't find me over stepping any lines, but do your parents not like him because you two are together?" Her eyes didn't leave my surprised face, but her pen left her teeth and wrote down in my file on her desk. How could she tell? I had never once mentioned any type of romantic relationship with her. But she had given me an out. I could blame it on that.

“Yes.” Her eyes shot up to me at the hesitancy in my voice. But there wasn’t any judgement in her gaze behind the glass. “My father doesn't approve.”

“Alright, I would like to work on that if you don’t mind.,” she said, returning her pen to her lips and somehow leaning further into her uncomfortable looking position.

I gave a shrug as my answer and rubbed my head. My medicine must have been leaving my system, I could feel the spike of a migraine starting. I would just have to push through it. But why were they always worse when I came here? Maybe it was just the emotional dilemmas I went through each time I came here.

“You said you met your partener at work,” she muttered, digging through her notes for our last meeting. Her eyes moved back and forth as she read over her handwriting. “And he is a detective. What kind of work were you doing?”

“My father is the police chief in Japan and sometimes I would tag along when he went to work.” It wasn’t a lie, just wasn’t the whole truth. I did that a lot. I felt like I lived on half truths. “I met him then.”

“Can I know his name?”

I opened my mouth but stopped myself. That could have ended horribly. That would have been an absolute disaster.

“Rue,” I finally answered. I couldn’t tell the truth. I had to live in half truths. I had to remember to live in half truths, especially here.

I want the death note.

My hand went to my head at a sharp pain. My migraine was getting worse. I reached out and took another sip of water before rubbing my temples.

“And that would explain why he is significantly older than you.” She was more talking to herself than to me.

“I wouldn’t say significantly,” I whispered. L wasn’t older than me. Maybe physically, but he and I would always be the same age. We would always be the same mentally and emotionally. We were in sync. Or, at least it felt like it.

“So how did the relationship begin to form? You told me that he was...” she trailed off, looking through her notes again. “Difficult to deal with in the beginning.”

“Yes. Let’s just say...” I paused, trying to think through the stinging. “We had different points of view.”

“And you were able to work through that?” There was the scratching of the pen through my tightly shut eyes. Would I ever get better? Would they ever stop? I nodded and clenched my jaw. I shouldn’t have moved. “Ok. And how did you two grow closer?”

“We worked closely together on a case.”

“You helped your father on a case?” She hummed in interest, writing again. I tapped my foot anxiously. I just wanted this feeling to go away.

I want the death note.

“Yes, I would help on occasion. Rue and I ended up very close. Closer than I wanted at the time, but it wasn’t all bad. He’s brilliant. It was nice to have someone whose mind worked at the same speed as mine. Someone who wasn’t a goldfish.” I took a deep breath and did my best to push all my other physical feelings away.

“Of course. I understand.” She nodded, pushing her glasses back up again. I stared at her for a moment as she continued her notes. Was she wearing lipstick? I had never seen her wear lipstick before, but the light pink was at the end of the black pen she was using. “It’s a nice feeling to have someone who understands us. Someone who is there for us.”

I gave a nod. It was nice. She was right.

“And then you two moved out here together. Was it for your relationship?”

“No. I came out here for school. He was a just a nice addition."

“And Rue can just move around the world?” She gave a interested look. Did she really want to know? Did she enjoy these types of stories?

“He’s privately hired,” I muttered. How much more could I give her? I was walking a fine line. I needed to be more careful.

"I see," she muttered, writing yet again. "How long have you two been together?"

The thought caught me off guard. I had never thought about it before. How long had we been together? Officially, it had only been several months. Even if I did count when he was in the ground, we had been together less than a year.

That was mind boggling to me. It felt longer than that to me. We had always been together. There had never been a time when L hadn't been in my life. He was somehow there, even in memories I knew he was specifically missing in, he was still somehow there.

So much had happened in such a short amount of time, but most of it had been good. A lot had been bad. The good things didn't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things didn't always spoil the good and make them unimportant.

"A few months," I finally answered.

"That's quite a bit to go through in such a short amount of time Light." She brushed back a piece of hair that had fallen from her tightly pulled bun. "You are in a new relationship that your family is unfamiliar with, you have moved very far away from home, you have a new school, a new job, and all together a very new life. How do you feel like you are managing it?"

I wished I could tell her. I wished I could spill all of it. I wish someone other than those two men back at home knew what I was going through. If only they knew. If only someone would understand. If only... I wanted to tell so desperately. Tell someone who wouldn't judge, who wouldn't set rules and limitations on me. Someone who wouldn't look at me differently now that they knew the truth...

I'm managing it," I answered softly. What a lie. Every day was a struggle far harder than the day before. But it was worth it. I truly felt like it was. L was worth anything.

L. That detective. That brilliant mind hidden behind sugar coma eyes and unruly hair.

I want the death note.

"Light, I think that's good for today. We'll meet again next week," she said, her lips turning up slightly in the corners in an almost smile like shape. "Get home safe."

"Thank you," I responded, getting to my feet and reaching out to shake her hand. With that, I left the room and headed for the car that was going to take me home.

***

L was working away when I got home. He nodded his head in greeting and gave an extremely small smile that didn't light up his eyes and returned to his computer, absentmindedly stacking up sugar cubes. Watari was standing beside him, pouring him a cup of tea. It was as if they were back to normal. They belonged together. They had been together almost all of L's life. It was so natural looking.

I sighed slightly and nodded back before heading for the stairs, for my room. I shut the bedroom door and leaned back against it. My head was swimming, and I was starting to feel sick again. after my shower, I would need to take a bit more medicine.

I moved to the bathroom and closed the door as i undid my tie, before turning on the water to get it to the correct temperature. I unbuttoned my shirt and placed the fabric next to my tie, but stopped. Beside my tie was the death note.

My blood froze and my hands went to my head. Not again. Please. Not again. I couldn’t take this! It was everywhere! That death note was with me in every breathing, waking moment. I couldn’t get rid of it.

Steam began to fill the room, fogging the mirrors, but somehow not dimming my sight of the death note. I just wanted to scream. I wanted this to end. I wanted all of this to go away. Why was Ryuk doing this? Why?

All I had to do was ignore it. It went away if I just went on with whatever I was doing. That’s all I had to do. Simple. Easy. I turned my back to the death note, but came to an abrupt stop. The black book was propped against the door. And then there was another one beside the shower. Three, four, five. There were more.

It had to stop at six. I knew that there was only aloud that many death notes in the human world at a time. They had to stop. They had to. But they didn’t. They covered the floor, the sink. Filled the shower, pooled around my legs.

Soon the pile was up to my knees, making me unable to move. Whispers poured through me demanding: Use Me!

Panic tightened my chest as I pulled at my hair, tears forming in my eyes. Why was this happening? Why now? Why!? Someone tell me!

My muscles constricted as if they were trying not to let the others breathe, intent on dying. My breathing grew shallow against my heavy rib cage, my lungs screaming, begging for oxygen. Anything that would make my body function.

My waist. Death note after death death note surrounded me, pushing me under, that whisper nagging, scratching at my brain, making it bleed. Use Me!

And my mind was static, the scratching the only sound I could hear as I was drowned in the death notes with my hand writing in them.

The steam took up the spaces between the note books, smothering me. Making me hot. Making me melt.

Use Me!

Use Me!

Use Me!

I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t handle it. I needed out. I wanted out. This had to end before I completely lost myself. Let me out! Someone help me! My mind is broken! Please.... God, please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little Do You Know- Alex and Sierra
> 
> Have a wonderful weekend!


	10. Lying to the Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tried to pull away from Light, but his hold on my shirt didn't loosen. I took his hands in mine and tried to pry myself free, but he struggled against me, shaking his head. I stopped and pulled him into a hug, ignoring more of the crimson that wet my shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry if this chapter is a bit dull. Been having a bit of writers block and been suffering from really bad carpal tunnel which has been making it really hard to type. But I hope you enjoy and had a wonderful Thanksgiving if you celebrate it!

*L’s POV*

There was a scream from somewhere above me. Light.

It took a moment for the noise to collect in my mind before I could move. I dropped whatever I had in my hands and raced for the stairs. There was another yell as I reached the landing. I pushed into our room, where the sound was loudest and running water could be heard.

But as I reached the bathroom door, the handle refused to turn. But Light was on the other side. I could hear him. His voice was broken, crying.

“Make them go away!” he yelled.

“Light,” I called through the wood. “Unlock the door.” But it was like he couldn’t hear me. His pleads just continued. A discomfort filled in my chest, and a feeling like excess caffeine in my brain made my body jittery... then it set in deeper. “Unlock the door,” I repeated, twisting the door handle frantically, though I knew it would do nothing to help.

“Make it stop!” came again and again.

He wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t do what I asked. I needed to get this door open. But my brain was rushed and in a panic. What should I do?

Before I had much more time to think, there was another yell that was doused in pain. My body moved without my instruction, backing me up so that my foot could connect with the door. There was a crack and I could see the wood spitting, but it didn’t give way. With another kick, the door burst in, hot steam pouring out of the bathroom.

I rushed in and through the haze found Light on the ground, writhing. I took a step towards him, my bare foot meeting something warm and sticky. But that didn’t matter. The floor was sticky. I didn’t care.

I moved closer to Light, dropping to my knees, the warmth seeping through my jeans. My hands took Light’s body and did my best to hold him still. He fought against me, tears streaming down his face.

“Help,” he begged.

“I’m here. I’m helping,” I said as gently as I could. I took his hand in mine and used the other to reach over and turn off the water that was still running at way hotter a temperature than it ever needed to be. “It’s alright now. They’re gone.” What was gone? What had he seen?

My gaze lowered to his body and my breath caught in my chest. Deep scratches covered his torso and arms, drawing blood. His fingernails were crimson and the color matched the heat that was touching my knees.

I swiftly pulled him to me, holding him tightly. He clutched to me and hid his face in my shirt. I could feel more blood soaking through to my skin from what Light had done to himself.

“Are they gone?” Light said in a muffled voice against me.

“They’re gone. I’ve got you,” I said softly, my hand running over his hair in as soothing a way as I could. “You’re safe. I promise.”

“They keep showing up,” he cried. “They won’t go away!”

“What Light?” I was more than confused. What had happened that had caused him to have such an extreme mental breakdown? What had made it so that he would hurt himself in such a way. Why was he clawing at himself?

“The death note! It’s always there. Please make it stop!”

Those words made me stumble and fall back against the bathroom wall. Light curled up closer to me, digging his face so deep into my chest that it hurt. My hands grew numb and stopped in their comforting caresses.

That’s why Light had been so on edge and withdrawing. The death note. Ryuk hadn’t stopped like I thought he had. This was all my fault. I never should have done that in the first place. I was slowly destroying Light. I was slowly driving him insane.

“Please, L. Please.” Light’s voice was a little more than a whisper now and he just kept repeating the word please. Over and over. A broken record in my ears.

“I’ll make this right,” I muttered, hugging Light tightly. “I’ll make this right.”

He clutched to me tightly, his breathing fanatic. I had never seen him like this. Even in that hotel where he cried in the bathroom before the charity event. He had never been this broken. Not even when I came back and he had spilled everything to me. I could remember that so clearly, especially this one part. It was so interesting. His eyes were so dark, I don’t think I had ever seen then that dark. And he looked thin like he hadn’t eaten in months,

But his voice, the way he spoke. He sounded absolutely terrified. Like he was staring death right in the face. Like I was his executioner.

“There's a monster hiding in the mirror and when I lean in close he comes nearer. he looks deep into my eyes and see the fear. ‘Hush baby, hush,’ he whispers. ‘You're the only one who knows I'm here.’”

Was this that person? Was that person the one tormenting him?

No. I couldn’t pass off the blame. It was my fault and as soon as I got Light to calm down and relax, then I would confront Ryuk. I would protect Light the best way that I could. That was my job. To protect people. And I couldn’t let that pass over Light. He needed it too. More than anyone else. 

“Can you stand?” I asked softly. He gave a small nod, still shaking in my grasp. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

It was difficult to say the least. He was extremely jumpy and kept glancing around as I tried to clean up his fingernails. It was as if he was waiting for someone to find him. I moved onto his chest where the worst of the cuts were and began cleaning those. Surprisingly, Light didn’t flinch when I used the hydrogen peroxide, he just kept within himself.

Not even when he had been stabbed and went into shock, had he been like this. This was so new and strange to me, I wasn’t sure how to help him. This was the best I could give him.

There was a knock on the door that hung loosely off the hinges. Light jumped, startled and I glanced back to see Watari. He had a concerned expression on his face. “Is there anything I can do, sir?” he asked in a gentle voice.

I looked back to Light, who was still trembling. I looked into his eyes, but it was like nothing was there to behold. An endless depth of ink, sorrow, and pain. I could not see whites of his eyes nor the vessels that flowed through them.

What could I do to help? What was the best course of action for Light? It was still in the afternoon and I had work that needed to get done. I needed to finish typing up a report and I had a deadline for another case that I hadn't even looked at yet, though I knew it wouldn't be hard.

What could I do? Maybe... Light needed medical help. Maybe he needed more than what I could give him here. Maybe I needed to send him away for the night? I couldn't bare the thought of that though. And I knew that Light would be angry with me.

His body might have been reacting this way and his mind was obviously not all there, but it was like when he was on medication for his injury. His body was not working the way he wanted it to, but his mind was there, trapped. That's where he was now. I knew he was. He was scared and trapped within himself.

I couldn't afford to have Light out of sight though. I needed to be beside him. I needed to protect him. That's what he needed. Constant attention. Constant supervision. Constant contact.

I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck, a feeling of ambivalence overwhelming me. "Watari, can you please help clean Light. I need to handle something momentarily and then..." I paused, looking back at Light's whose grip had tightened aggressively on my shirt. My hand went to his cheek and I gently caressed him. "Then I would like dinner made. Something gentle, like soup. And I will spend the rest of the night with Light in bed. I will finish my work in the morning."

I tried to pull away from Light, but his hold on my shirt didn't loosen. I took his hands in mine and tried to pry myself free, but he struggled against me, shaking his head. I stopped and pulled him into a hug, ignoring more of the crimson that wet my shirt.

I placed a kiss to his head. "It's alright," I whispered as compassionately as I could. "Watari is going to take care of you, just for a moment. I'll be back soon. I promise. Just give me a few minutes." He shook his head against my chest. God, what had I done to him? "I need you to let go. Can you do that for me?"

I pulled back slightly and gave him a small reassuring smile. This was something that i had never had to deal with before. I had dealt with my own panic attacks, but this was different. I wasn't sure how best to deal with Light's attack.

The was a sharp inhale from Light and his hands robotically released the fabric that they held to. I placed another kiss to his head and muttered a thank you before heading to the door. I pulled Watari to me so I could speak softly without Light hearing.

"Is there something you would suggest?" I asked, foot rubbing against the back of my other leg nervously.

Watari was silent for a moment. "I believe that he should receive some form of medical help."

"And how should we go about that?"

"I will take care of it sir," Warati replied directly.

"Please don't let him out of your sight until I come back."

Watari gave me a nod in understanding and turned to Light, who was holding himself tightly. I left the room hesitantly, but I knew Light was in good hands. That helped lessen my worry slightly, but I still had a problem to deal with. One that was monstrous and yellow eyed.

I made my way downstairs to the kitchen and snached up a straberry from the bowl on the counter. My worry was slowly dissolving into a rage. "Ryuk!" I called bitterly before eating the strawberry and grabbing another one. "So help me god, if you do not show-"

"What's wrong?" A raspy voice asked before the form of the Shinigami appeared.

I almost laughed, but stopped myself. "What's wrong?" I asked back. "What have you done to Light?"

"Light? What happened to Light?" Ryuk jumped up on the counter and crossed his abnormally long legs. I gave him a cynical look and he returned it with a confused expression of his own. "I don't just hang around this house, you know. I have other things that I need to take care of. One of which I am not doing now."

"I don't give a shit about what-"

"What happened?" There was a shine in those eyes of his and a laugh trapped behind his razor like teeth. "Why are you so worked up?"

"You've been placing the death note around again. And I don't know how you found it from where I hid it, but you need-"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he interrupted again, enjoyment present in his features.

I paused, more anger in me, the strawberry beginning to make my hand sticky from me smashing it in my fist. "What do you mean you don't know?" My jaw was clenched.

"I haven't touched the death notes since that first day when you decided to run experiments." His smile seemed to grow, though I wasn't sure how it did. "What has happened with Light?"

"He keeps seeing the death notes everywhere," I answered, moving to the sink to wash off my hand. The water was cold against my skin and turned the sink a light pink before slowly turning back into the clear it normally was.

"Does he now?" Ryuk sneered. "Interesting."

"And you're not doing it?" I shut off the water, but didn't turn back around, just slid my hands into my jean pockets.

"Why are you covered in blood?"

I paused and glanced down at myself. My knees were a dark red color and my shirt had lighter red handprints on it. It reminded me of that day in the rain. That day that I thought Light had slipped away from me forever with the simple blade of a knife. But we had made it through that, we would make it through this. We had to. I wasn't sure what I would do without him. Life wasn't simple anymore.

"He hurt himself because of seeing the death note." I inhaled deeply and turned back around. "How am I supposed to trust you?"

"You can't." Ryuk finally gave into the laugh that was on his tongue. "All I can say is that I haven't touch the death note since that day. It's up to you to believe me or not."

But I did believe him. He would have no reason to lie. And it didn't sound like he was lying. I would just have to trust him. But then that meant that Light was hallucinating in some way. Maybe he was going crazy. Maybe he did need more medical help that what I could give him here. Maybe I should lock him-

What? No. I would never do that. I couldn't stand to see him locked up in a padded room. I couldn't stand to see his mind go to waste like that. I couldn't live with myself if he fell apart and was all alone.

But that was the worst scenario. I had to hope for the best. That was the only way I would be able to get through everything that I needed to do. That would be the only way to insure our future.

"Get out of here," I whispered. I was in no way ready for what the rest of the night held and I didn't want to have to spend more time with Ryuk than I had to. For some reason, against all I knew was right, I blamed him for everything that had happened to Light, though I knew that he had just as much hand in his own fate as the death god had.

I sighed and headed through the rooms until I reached the staircase that lead up to my bedroom. When I entered the room all I could hear was running water from the bathroom. I walked to the doorway and stopped.

Watari was finishing up cleaning the floor and a dressed Light sat on the edge of the tub, watching, motionless. Had Watari given Light my own clothes, or had Light asked to wear them? I needed to change myself. I left to change and then returned to the bathroom where Light was now on his feet and trying to help Watari.

I stepped forward and took Light's arm gently. He glanced up at me apologetically and tried to go back to helping Watari, but I pulled him away and into the bedroom. I forced him to the bed, though it wasn't difficult and he didn't put up much of a fight. I pushed him down and gave a sigh.

"Can you explain what happened?" I asked in as calm a voice as I could. Light's eyes left the bathroom and came to my face with what looked like a pleading expression in them. Maybe now wasn't the time. I could ask him about it later. "What can I do, Light? What would help you?"

His eyes left my face and returned blankly to the bathroom. I wasn't going to get any words out of him. He was too traumatized by whatever he saw. Hopefully he would feel better in the morning. I just hoped that Light would return. Whatever or whoever was in front of me wasn't Light. Not the Light that I knew, anyhow.

But the best thing that I could do for him right now, the best way to care for him that I knew how, was to stay by his side. He didn't need to be chained up. He wasn't going to go anywhere.

"Can you lie down?" I questioned gently, my hand taking his shoulder. He did as I asked without a fuss and I brushed back his hair from his forehead. His skin was hot, feverish. I needed to get him some more medicine and fluids. "Watari is going to make some food, and we'll get you some more medicine. How about we turn on a movie? Would you like that?"

No response.

A nervousness began to set further into my bones. What if he wasn't alright by tomorrow? What if this had permanently scared him?

"Sir, I will make all the necessary arrangements," Watari said behind me. "DInner will be up shortly, as well as some medication. I will also have a doctor call. Is that satisfactory?"

"Doctor?" Light asked in so soft a voice I almost couldn't hear him. "I don't need to see a doctor."

"Light, please don't fight me." I brushed his hair back again, but he recoiled from my touch and rolled over and away from me. I bit my lip at the movment. It hurt, deeply. "Everything will be alright."

No response.

"Watari, that will be fine, thank you."

I could hear the older man's footsteps as he left the room. Once Watari was gone, I set about finding Light's favorite movie and putting it on. I then took my normal spot on my side of the bed. It took a while, but eventually, Light snuggled up against my legs and I played with his hair as the film continued.

I didn't put much thought into it though. I was more worried about what had happened to Light to make him pull from reality so far that his eyes were empty and he had no voice? Was it just from the withdrawals? Had they been that horrible this time that he was hallucinating? Or was it something else? What else could it have been if it wasn't Ryuk? Or was I just too trusting of the shinigami? 

Soon dinner arrived and getting Light to eat was another pain. He refused to move in anyway, shape or form until I physically moved him. He was so much weaker than I had ever felt him before. I had never seen him this broken.

And soon, a doctor did arrive, just as Watari said he would. I explained everything the very best that I could, as Light was no help. He refused to speak to the middle aged physician who had taken time to come here specifically. I'm sure Watari had offered a rather large sum of cash to get the doctor to come.

But even he didn't offer anything concrete and solid. He just said to make sure that Light got rest if I wasn't going to check him into a hospital, which would be the best option. But I couldn't afford to do that. Having this doctor here was risky enough as it was.

Just fluids and rest. That's all I could give Light. And he eventually stopped fighting me and drank the water each time I handed him a glass. And soon he did dose off, head in my lap, as the third movie droned on.

The light from the screen flickered over Light's pale face, making him look ghostly. I sighed as I watched the colors dance over his featured, my fingers playing with his hair.

 

"You'll get better. I promise," I whispered to him, before grabbing the remote and turning on the news to where a new Kira report was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lying to the Mirror- Gabrielle Aplin


	11. SORRY!!!

Hello everyone! I just wanted to say sorry. I have been in a really tough place these last two weeks. Things have been shit. I lost my job and had to move back home. I got in a really bad fight with one of my best friends and we are no longer friends, my grandma got hurt and had to be taken to the hospital. I believe that my other grandpa has cancer, but he won't tell us. And my significant other broke up with me. So, I've been super depressed and could barely get out of bed these last few days. The only good thing that came about was I got to see Lindsey Stirling in concert with VIP tickets thanks to a Christmas present from my now ex-best friend. Oh, and another one of my friends got married. So good for them too.  
But anyways, I wanted to apologize that I haven't updated in so long. And I knew that if I didn't write this as a promise for an update this weekend, it probably wouldn't get out either. But I will have a chapter out this weekend and it should put some very serious things into play plot wise. I'm not sure if it will be Saturday or Sunday because I barely have like a page or two written, but it will get done!  
But I will most likely take Christmas weekend off, I'm sure all of you would understand.  
Thank you guys so much for still reading! Love you all!


	12. The Devil Within: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sayu," I muttered, motioning to L, whose eyes had lit up at the word in recognition. "This is Rue, my roommate."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry it's so late. My life has taken a bit more of a sharp turn and so I haven't quite finished this chapter, but I promised and so I am going to give you what I have to far. I am not sure when I will have the rest of it out. I'm taking next weekend off for Christmas, and most likely the next one for New Years. I'll just have to see how I feel. But I will finish this story. Double pinkie promise. Thank you guys for all of your support and love. That really has made my life a tad brighter. 
> 
> Anyways, here's part one, riddled with spelling error. Don't think too horribly of me. Enjoy. Love you all. And how a wonderful Holiday with whatever it is you celebrate!

*Light's POV*

The next few days were no less than a blur. I honestly don’t remember taking my finals, but i did well. Passed everything with flying colors and that was more than I could ask for.

And ever since what L was calling my hallucination, L had been very attentive and protective. I didn’t mind much, it was nice in a way, when I remembered what was going on. It was nice to have the attention, though I slept through a lot of it.

Hallucination... That’s what the doctor had called it when he saw me, though he gave no explanation other than stress. Maybe that was why L used the word. But it felt like more to me. Like he wasn’t telling me something, but I wasn’t going to push it. We had our boundaries and he respected mine, so i could respect his.

“Sir, will you be accompanying me to the airport?” Watari asked as he brought in the next round of tea and sweets for L.

I glance up from my empty hands that I had been staring at for who knows how long. “Is that today?” I mumbled. I caught L’s pause in typing as he looked over at me. His concern wasn’t lost on me.

“Yes,” Watari replied without missing a beat as if what i said hadn’t been anything out of the ordinary. “Would you like to join me?”

I gave an absent minded shrug and returned to looking at my hands. I knew I was acting differently, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Why don’t you go,” L suggested, hopefulness in his tone. “You haven't seen them in quite a while.”

My mind struggled with the thought. I didn’t want to . I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to leave this room and I didn’t want to be anywhere L wasn’t. I hadn’t seen a death note in days. As long as he was there. I hadn’t seen one. If I left, would it reappear?

“It’s ok,” L nodded. “Go see your family.”

L was much calmer than i remembered him being whenever he spoke about my family visiting. It made me feel a bit better about leaving. Finally, I gave a nod and caught a look of relief wash over L’s features. He was happy I was going?

Time moved again, like it so often did when I was paid no attention, without my consciousness and I was sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair, waiting for my family’s plane to land. I glanced around at all of the people that were chatting and bustling around to get to their gates. The smell of overly expensive Italian food filled the small waiting area.

“Sir, is there something that I can get you?” Watari asked from beside me.

“No, I’m alright,” I replied dully. “And you can call me Light, Watari. Sir is my father.”

“Very good, Sir,” I glanced up to see a small smile under the old man’s grey mustache. I returned it the best that I could.

A comfortable silence fell between us as time jumped again. Jumped to an enthusiastic hello from a sweet voice. Sayu.

I got to my feet just in time to be tackled in a hug from my younger sister. I grimaced at the pain that filled my body, pulling me back to myself, from the multiple cuts over me, but I did my best to push it away. Instead I gave a confused look. When someone wasn’t speaking to me it was like I didn’t exist. It was as if I stopped until someone paid me attention. I knew that wasn’t true, but it sure felt like it.

I hugged my sister back, a smile on my face. Maybe I really needed this. I felt almost normal again. There was still a darkness that pulled down on my heart, a fear deep in my lungs, carving into my ribs.

“You’ve grown,” I noted as I released my sister. She was almost a head taller now.

“Congrats,” Sayu said with a bubbly smile. Next came my mom. Then my father. Hand outstretched for me to take.

“We’re proud of you,” my father said in his deep voice, shaking my hand forcefully. 

I gave a nod. It was nice to hear. I didn't get it often. But for some reason, it didn't make me feel quite as special as it had in the past. My father then greeted Watari and we went to fetch their luggage.

On the way there, I could feel a buzzing in my pocket and fished out my phone. It was Adam. I shot my family and apologetic look and took the call. 

“Adam?” I asked, plugging my other ear with my index finger to hear better about the chatter of the airport.

“We've got the warrant,” Adam said from the other line.

“That's great,” I answered, closing my eyes so I could concentrate more.

“English please,” Adam laughed on the other side.

I wasn't speaking English? What was wrong with me? “I'm sorry Adam. Busy day. You got the warrant though.”

“Yeah we did.”

“Do I need to come in?” I followed my family through the airport, being dragged by my arm by my sister.

“We already have a team serving it. I'll keep you updated if we find the fire extinguisher.”

I caught some voices on the background of the phone.

“Are you there right now?” I questioned, my movement becoming slightly faster due to my sister’s pull.

“Yeah, I thought you'd like to know. Again. I'll keep you posted.”

“Keep me posted?”I questioned. Phrases were still difficult for me. It took me a while to realize that what's up was asking how you were and not what was above you.

“I'll call you if we get anything.”

“Oh.” I nodded to no one. My feet came to an abrupt stop when we got to the luggage pick up. “I'll talk to you later then?”

“Yeah. Talk to you in awhile.”

“Alright. Thanks Adam.” I lowered the phone from my ear and shoved it back into my pocket. “Sorry, working a case,” I explained, though when I looked up, no one was paying me much mind. They were all busy with the baggage claim Watari came to stand beside me. “Do you think they can see?”

“Even if they were able to see, I doubt any of them would mention it,” Watari replied softly, arms clasped behind him, his back straight and tall.

"Can you tell that there is something wrong with me?" I asked softly, my hands nervously crumpling the bottom of my shirt. "I feel like everyone can see it. See through me. They know."

"L and I are too close to the situation for me to give an appropriate answer," was my reply.

I gave a sigh. I knew there was something wrong. There was something majorly wrong with my brain. It wasn't the organized library that it normally was. It was cracking and falling apart, abandoned and dirty. I wasn't in any sense of the word "normal". What a beautiful word that was just out of reach. Normal.

I plastered a smile to my face as my sister raced back to me. She took my hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "Light, can I come spend the night at your place tonight?" she asked me happily, her eyes shining brightly.

My mouth fell open and I couldn't find the words to speak. My library didn't have a book on how to reply to a younger sibling who could possibly meet your supposed to be dead fiance. My eyes darted to Watari, who was as calm as ever, though he said nothing.

"I don't see why not," came my mother voice from some far off place to the side of me. "What do you think?" That was directed at my father, who grumbled slightly before his baritone voice answered.

"We can always go out for dinner tomorrow night before your graduation."

I could feel a sharp blow to my stomach that almost knocked the air from me as I shaily answered with an unconvincing, "Of course, o-of course." Watari gave a small nod that sent a slight calmness through me. He would take care of it. What was I going to do when he left? What would L and I do? He needed to stay. He made everything so much easier and clearer. He... cared. Truly, deeply cared.

Sayu's smile grew contagiously, causing me to grin a bit more. Though, I wasn't sure if it was fake or real.

***

Watari dropped off my parents at their hotel and then took Sayu and me to the large, old stone house in the middle of a field with rolling green hills and trees. Luckily, Sayu was more interested with all of the castles and ruins hidden within the trees along the main roads that she didn't speak to me much.

But that just meant that I faded. I drifted and didn't exist. I knew I was in the car. I knew where we were and where we were going. I knew when we arrived. But I wasn't there. I was outside of myself in a way. Seeing from a third person's perspective almost. I wasn't sure how else to phrase it for myself. That's what it was.

And I couldn't remembered entering the house. I couldn't remember Sayu's reaction to my home, though I'm sure she was impressed. And I couldn't remember the sound of L's footsteps on the stairs, but I remembered seeing him enter the room with a look on his face that was nothing less that concern and bewilderment.

"Who's this Light?" Sayu questioned, taking my hand again and pulling on my arm. For some reason the movement reminded me of Misa and I shuddered slightly.

"Sayu," I muttered, motioning to L, whose eyes had lit up at the word in recognition. "This is Rue, my roommate."

"Hi," Sayu said excitedly, holding out her hand to L, who hesitantly took it. "Nice to meet you. I'm Light's sister."

L's dark eyes left my face and went to Sayu. "The pleasure is mine," L replied in his voice devoid of emotion, shaking her hand.

Sayu gave a breath of relief, her shoulders visibly relaxing when their grip dropped. "Oh, good. You do speak Japanese. I was worried I'd be left out of the conversations."

I watched L carefully as he shoved his hands back into his jean pockets and rubbed the back of his right leg with his left. I knew he would have stern words for me later, but it's not like my sister would tell my father. Especially if I asked her. We might not have gotten along perfectly, but we were still family.

"It's nice to finally put a face to a name," L continued on. "Light has been talking about you non stop for the last few weeks."

Sayu laughed, her hand covering her mouth as her cheeks went red. "Stop that. Light, you're already embarrassing me."

There was an awkwardness in the air. I was sure that l could feel it in the way his eyes looked over me. But Sayu either didn't sense it, or she ignored it. Instead she set to exploring the house while Watari got her room put together.

"Light," L said in a soft voice the moment we were left alone in the front entree way. "What is she doing here?"

"She invited herself," I answered in an excuse, but I knew it was poor.

L's hand went to his lips, a silence falling between us. Eventually the sound of keys being played pulled L's eyes away from me momentarily as he looked towards the music room. "What if she tells?" he asked, his back fully towards me.

"She won't," I said as strongly back as I could.

"How do you know? I'm not normal, Light. One slip, just one and it'll all be over. Light's roommate is rather odd. He eats only sweets and sits in odd positions," he said in a slightly higher voice to mimic my sister.

"I promise she won't," I pressed again. "And besides, I think you'll like her." L turned at the words, curiosity on his face. "You two share similar interests."

Another silence fell between us as the music continued to play brokenly from an unpracticed hand. At a wrong chord, L visibly flinched and returned his look in the direction of the music room. The chord came again, and then another chord that was similar to the first wrong one.

"Try G# minor," L called out. There was a slight pause in playing before the progression was played again, this time taking the chord that L had suggested and sounding the way the composer had meant it.

There was a laugh. "Thanks!" Sayu called back.

L gave a sigh and glanced back at me. "We'll talk about this when she leaves."

Here we were, putting things off again. Letting them boil down until there was nothing but sticky syrup burning in the pan. That's where we were heading. That's where everything was going. It was going to burn. All of it. Flames.

I was about to answer when my phone rang in my pocket and I swiftly snatched it out. "Adam?" I asked, taking L's arm to pull him closer so that he could hear the call without me putting it on speaker.

"Hey man, we found it," Adam answered excitedly on the other side.

"You found it? You found the fire extinguisher?" I asked, a smile coming to my face.

"The brother is our man. We're taking him in now. I will let you know if he gives us a confession."

"Thanks Adam." I lowered the phone and glanced up at L who had a look of relief on his face. Like this was a weight off of him. But the expression was short lived, as if something else took the place of the solved case. It was most likely me. "That's good news, right?" I questioned L. L simply gave a nod.

 

"Very good. Thank you for all your help." L nodded. He was so distant. I had never had someone this close to me before and yet so far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Devil Within- Digital Daggers


	13. The Devil Within: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, who’s the lucky person?” Sayu asked, snatching up L’s left hand to look at the silver band there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! Part two as promised! Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers. That really means a lot to me. You are all so amazing and caring. I hope you enjoy the rest of this chapter.

*Light’s POV*

“She really won’t tell if that is what you’re worried about,” I tried again.

“That’s towards the top of the list, yes,” L replied. “How are your cuts? Are they healing?”

“I think one might be infected, but the rest are fine,” I answered, pulling up my shirt slightly so that he could see a particularly red mark across my hip. He squatted down, his icy fingers taking my waist as he examined the deep scratch.

“We should have it cleaned and bandaged. I’ll...” L trailed off at footsteps on the stairs and i’m sure he changed what he was going to say. “I’ll have Watari take a look at it.” L stood back up at Watari came down the stairs. “Watari, can you take care of Light for me?”

“Of course, sir,” Watari replied, motioning to where the lower level bathroom door was.

I bit my lower lips as L headed to the music room where another wrong note was being played. But I followed Watari into the room and stood still, holding up my shirt for Watari. The chemicals that he used to clean the wound stung and I winced with a sharp inhale.

“Is he treating me differently?” I questioned through clenched teeth.

“He’s worried,” Watari claimed, grabbing a bandage and placing it over my skin. “He’s never had someone like you to look after before. He’s never really had a relationship of this dynamic before. I’m sure he’s just having a difficult time adjusting.”

I gave a nod. I’m sure Watari was right. He was always right. An old and wise man.

“May I suggest something?” Watari asked gently. I gave a shrug as my answer and straightened out my shirt. “I believe you two have some unfinished business that you have not spoken about.”

I snorted in dismay. “You can see that too?”

“As plain as day.” I sighed at his answer, my hand going to my head. “My suggestion is that it would be better to talk about it now, rather than later.” 

“I’m just not sure how to approach it.” I ruffled out my hair and clapping my hands down by my thighs. “Thank you for all your help, Watari. I'm not sure what we're going to do when you leave.”

“I'll return here when we end the Kira case.”

“Of course. That's more important at the moment.” I headed for the door with a thank you, moving to where I could hear music coming from.

I stopped in the doorway and leaned against the door frame, listening. L sat on the left side of the bench, beside Sayu. Both were playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, in a way I had never heard it before. It was beautiful. I knew it was all thanks to L, but Sayu was doing her part.

I was so lucky. I was so madly in love with him. I was going to marry him. I was going to dance with him among candle light. Was going to share a small cake with him. Live as close to happily ever after as we could get.

Another wrong note broke me from my thoughts and I couldn’t help but smile at L’s flinch. But he had no room to speak. I had heard him mess up when he wasn’t nervous before. He had his flaws, like anyone. But I loved him.

And what Watari had said was fair. Neither of us had ever been in a situation like this before, and I doubted that there was a doctor somewhere that would know what to do in our position. We had a hard road ahead of us, but if he loved me, like I hoped he did, then we would make it through this. We could make it through anything.

There was some laughing from Sayu who had purposely messed up and was watching L carefully to see his reaction. L grumbled something that I didn’t quite catch that made Sayu laugh again.

Maybe I needed to do this more. Invite people over for him. Maybe Adam. They could possibly get on, or L would be driven insane by his oblivious stupidity. It would be good for him to see other people. To have conversations with someone other than me. I should give him more freedom.

“So, who’s the lucky person?” Sayu asked, snatching up L’s left hand to look at the silver band there. I straightened up from where I was positioned, taking a step forward. Sayu glanced back at my movement and a large smile covered her lips. “You’re not really roommates, are you?”

Before I could stop myself, I spoke out. “So help me God, if-”

“If I tell dad?” Sayu teased, releasing L’s hand. L’s eyes flickered between us nervously. “I won’t tell dad about your boyfriend.”

I let out a deep breath, shoving my hands deeply into my pockets. I shouldn't have said anything. She wouldn’t have connected the dots if I hadn’t reacted.

“And I’m not stupid, Light,” Sayu continued. “I grew up with dad as my father too, you know. I would have figured it out eventually. But now...” she hummed, turning on the bench to face me fully. “My price.”

“Price?” I asked, rolling my eyes. “I should be the one blackmailing you, not the other way around.”

“I want to come to the wedding.”

L’s eyes widened and focused fully on me, waiting for my answer. I stepped closer, shaking my head.

“No. Absolutely not,” I replied. “There is no way that I am letting you be part-”

“It’s Rue’s wedding too.” L’s eyes moved back to Sayu as he clutched his knees to his chest. “Can I come? In exchange for keeping my mouth shut.”

“Other than your terms for silence being extremely illegal, I don’t see why not,” L said, much to my surprise. I had to stop my mouth from falling open at his words. I was at a loss. I couldn’t find a single word to utter. I stuttered over myself and that only made Sayu laugh and gave L a very light smile. But it wasn’t lost on me. “Sayu, if you can keep all of this a secret and make up the excuse to come visit, I will have your flight paid for so you can come to the wedding. But I also expect you to have something learned on the piano for when I walk down the aisle.”

“Ok,” Sayu agreed with a giggle. “What happened to Misa?” Sayu’s eyes met my face and I did my best to straighten myself up.

“She and I just didn’t fit well together,” I said, straightening my tie.

“Sexually?” Sayu asked with a snort. L’s cheeks immediately grew a dark red and I was again at a loss for words. “I’m joking. You were totally a virgin.”

“S-Sayu,” I stuttered, my eyes going to L who was somehow the same shade of red as my tie, but who had a slightly larger smile.

"You're so much fun to tease, Light," Sayu said smugly. "But I promise none of this will ever be told to father. And I am honestly very happy for you two."

"Thank you Sayu," L muttered with a nod.

 

"Sir," Watari said as he entered the room with a slight bow. "Dinner is ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Devil Within- Digital Daggers


	14. Decode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She tipped her head to the side with a smile. “Are you afraid he’ll forget about you?”

*L’s POV*

 

“Your sister is not what I expected,” I teased as Light climbed into bed. He sighed, gently lowering himself onto the pillows. My smile fell at the sight of his imperfect skin that was slowly beginning to heal.

“I’m very sorry if anything that she said bothered you. She doesn’t have much of a filter.”

“Not at all.” I bit my lip as Light’s body relaxed into the bed, pain across his features. “She is welcome here whenever, Light.” His eyes darted to my face in question. “I think it’s good for you to have a bit of home every now and then.” Light rolled his eyes at my words. “I mean it. You seem better than you have been for a while.”

“You really think so?” Light asked me, trying to sit up. I took his shoulder at his wince and gently guided him back down to where he had been lying, looking up at me. I pushed his hair back from his face and gave a nod. “I do feel better.”

“I’m glad.” There was a silence that fell between us, leaving me to my guilty feelings that continued to gnaw at my chest. I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him. Light needed to know. It wasn’t fair that I kept this from him. None of this was fair. I felt sick as I pushed the words from my mouth. “Light, I have recently spoken with Ryuk.”

“What?” Light asked, sitting up, only to fall back to the bed, holding his sides in pain. “What do you mean you’ve seen him? I haven’t heard from him since the night I brought you back.”

“He-It...” I pulled my knees in tighter to me and avoided Light’s russet eyes that bore into me deeply. “...only comes to me. I’m not sure why.”

“And you never told me about this why?” Light demanded, venom in his tone.

I winced at the accusation, chills flooding through me. “I didn’t want you to worry. You were just starting to adjust to being in school and working cases, and you were constantly sick because of withdrawals. I just didn’t want to bother you with something that you were trying so hard to remove from your life.”

Light was quiet for a moment, chewing on his tongue. He took a deep and unsteady breath before speaking in a strained voice. “What is it he wanted?”

“He wanted to make a deal.”

Light’s eye brows cocked at my reply, waiting for an explanation. But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to keep going. The words were trapped behind my teeth. They turned my blood cold and made my stomach churn. But I was already this far. I couldn’t stop. And I owed it to Light to tell him. This affected him as much as it affected me.

“He said that if we gave him the death notes-”

“Are you crazy?” Light interrupted me, his jaw clenched.

Maybe I shouldn’t have told him. This was just going to end badly. But we couldn’t hide things away from each other anymore. Especially if we wanted the future to be as bright as it was possible for it to be, then we needed to work through these problems. And I wanted that future. I wanted to marry this broken man in front of me. I would give anything to spend the rest of my days with him.

“Please, just listen before you yell at me,” I muttered, my voice small. Light’s face fell expressionless and he sighed, giving me my ok. “He said that if we gave him back the death notes, then you wouldn’t have to be a shinigami when you died.”

Light’s eyes widened and searched my face. “How did you know that?”

“Ryuk told me.” At my reply, Light’s face became sharp with anger and he swore loudly, before placing his hands over his face. “We’ve both been keeping secrets from each other. I think it’s time we stop. It’s only going to make it so we have more disagreements in the future.” Light only groaned from where he was hidden behind his hands.

“We are not giving them to him,” Light sair sharply, lowering his hands from his face. “I don’t care if he could somehow keep me alive for the rest of all eternity, we are not giving him those death notes back. Do you have any idea what he could have planned with those? Do you have any idea the amount of destruction that can be caused by someone else who decides to be just like me?”

The sentence caught me off guard. “Just like you?” I questioned softly. I had a vague idea of what he meant, but-

“Yeah. There have been three other Kiras, not counting this new one, besides me just within the last two years. If I’m not the only person manipulated and twisted enough to use these books, then who else would Ryuk give them to? It would be better if we just kept them locked up where ever it is you have them. Let me suffer. It’s better that I pay the price rather than have two more innocent people with an obscured sense of justice get their hands on them.” Light took a deep breath, before continuing. “And I can assume the only way he could pass them onto someone else is if I give up my memories. And... I don’t want to give those up.”

“Light...” I whispered softly. “Wouldn’t it be easier if you did give them up? Maybe you wouldn't suffer so much. Maybe you wouldn’t be sick all of the time. You could have a normal life.”

“I wouldn’t have a normal life L. There would be the better portion of two years missing. There would be holes in my memories. And I would only suffer from worse nightmares than I do now. And could you live with that? Could you live with the knowledge that I am what I am and never be able to speak about it?”

There was something he wasn’t telling me. Everything he said was a valid point, but I knew there was more. “Light, why don’t you want to give up your memories?”

“Because I’m a greedy monster, that’s why.”

“Greedy how?” I questioned, confused. Light had only ever been greedy in the beginning. He was nothing of the sort now. He wouldn’t even sleep some nights just to help me on cases.

“I would lose almost everything about you, Lawliet,” he replied, this time sitting up fully to face me through his gritted teeth. He inhaled deeply, adjusting to the movement. My breath was lost to m, surprise snatching up my muscles and making them tight. “I would lose anything that had to do with us falling in love. Most of it was for my own greedy nature to get your name to put in that god forsaken death note.” A chill went through me at the thought of how Light had once wanted nothing but to end my life. “But now I am being greedy because I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose this. I love you, Lawliet. I’m not about to give a single bit of those memories up.”

“I....” I couldn’t speak. I knew he cared, but he had never really put that care into words. I was in shock. No one had ever... No one would ever dare... This was so different to me. So strange, but wonderful and new.

Light looked away from me, embarrassment over his features. “Please, don’t make that deal.”

I gave a small nod in agreement. “Of course. I would never.”

Light gave a deep sigh and his shoulders slumped. “We should get this out of the way.”

I blinked several times, my mind scrambling to understand what he said. “Get what out of... Oh.” I lowered my gaze in understanding. He wanted to discuss all of it. “What happened to moving on?”

“That’s not fair to you,” Light said as he lied back down on the bed, wincing.

“Let’s just let it go. It’s not worth the trouble.” I knew he didn’t want to talk about it. I knew that he would be happy never speaking about this again.

“Just let it go?” Light asked, his voice knifelike. “You know that if we don’t get it out of the way now, then we will just keep coming to this point. We will never move past this if we don’t talk about it now.”

I wasn’t sure why, but the cutting edge of his voice made me grind my teeth with a spark of anger. I knew he was right, but he really didn’t have to say it with that tone. It made me not want to talk about it that much more. Why couldn’t he just let it go? That’s what he wanted, right?

“I don’t want to talk about this. What’s done is done,” I grumbled, hiding my face away in my knees.

“Lawliet, talk to me. Come on.”

“I don’t want to!” I said a little louder, looking up, the light a tad brighter now. “Why does it matter?”

“Why does it matter? Because this is your life, Lawliet! That’s why!” Light shot back with a scoff as he got to his feet and shook out his hair.  “I gave it back to you.”

“Did you ever think that maybe I didn't want it?!” I demanded. “Maybe it was better if I was dead!”

“How in the world, would anything be better with you gone?” Light shot back darkly. “Do you have any idea what state the world would be in if you didn't exist? Do you know what I would have done to this world if you didn't exist? I would have destroyed this world!”

“You only brought me back because you're a selfish bastard!” My hands twisted in the bedding, trying to hold onto my tongue so I wouldn't say something worse that we would both begin regretting.

“You know what, I am a selfish bastard. I couldn't live without you. Is that what you want to hear?” Light shouted, his hands becoming fists in anger. “It's not like you're any different. You’re just some forgotten about thing that craves human contact as much as me.”

His face was unreadable, no fear, no invitational smirk. But somehow that hurt me more than if he had shone some form of emotional expression. For some reason it made me feel like he just didn’t care anymore. That now his words from earlier didn’t mean anything. That somehow, they had all been some convincing lie. And he was so excellent at lying. It was so effortless for him. Second nature. I wasn’t even sure what was the truth anymore.

_How did we get here?_

“Your own parents didn’t even want you!” Light’s tongue was forked wickedly as the words left his cold lips.

_I used to know you so well._

“At least I’ve never taken a life!” I shot back, though I wasn’t sure if it would hit its mark. I had never had this kind of a fight before.  I wasn’t sure how to keep my words as venomous as Light could.

_Do you see what we’ve done?_

“You think I’m proud of that?” Light laughed halfheartedly.

_We’re going to make such fools of ourselves._

“Why wouldn't you be? You knocked out more than 60 percent of crime rates, and in your sleep you call yourself a god.” Still wasn’t enough. My heart ached with Light’s previous words.

_How can I decide what’s right?_

“At least I have made a difference in the world. I have left my mark, and I will forever be known around this world as Kira! A god among men!”

_It might kill me._

My body moved without my thought. The silver band was yanked from my finger and thrown at the man before me, if he was a man at all. Light caught the ring before it could fall to the ground. "Maybe you should have let me stay dead! You would have your kingdom right about now!"

"Maybe I should have."

“I hate you!” I shouted, taking the only thing that was close to me and throwing it with all of my strength. The pillow hit Light fully, causing him to stumble back slightly. “Why don’t you just go back to Japan?!”

Light’s eyes held something in them. Something so familiar. Something so Kira.

“I will!” he hissed. “You’ll never have to see me again.”

“Get out!” I growled, pointing to the door. “Now!”  

Those russet eyes. They were no longer innocent. They were no longer pained. They were cold and jaded. There was a soul shattering chill that ripped through me. There was something not human staring back at me. Something worse than the yellow of a shinigami.

It was as if there was no one home in his head. No rage, no fear, just a cold and dead look. There was hardly any russet left. It was as if his pupils had taken over, making it so I was only staring back at black.

Without even a breath between us, he turned, leaving the look in his eyes imprinted on the walls of the room. The room shook as he slammed the door behind him, abandoning me.

_Do you see what we’ve done? We’re going to make such fools of ourselves._

There was another slam of a door somewhere down below and I would hear his footsteps on the gravel outside o f my window. But I didn’t dare look. Now even when I could hear the car engine turn over, and then disappear into the night. Not even when it all fell silent again.

That silver was gone from around my finger, and i somehow felt lost without it. I had grown so used to it against my skin that now I felt like a part of me was missing.

I pulled myself from my bed and left the claustrophobic room. I wandered downstairs and followed the smell of tea down to the kitchen, but stopped in the doorway at the sight of Sayu instead of Watari.

“Hello,” she said in a bubbly voice. She was always so happy. How was someone so happy like her without becoming a Misa?  “I hope you don’t mind, but I heard you two fighting and I thought that I would make you two some tea, but I guess it’s just us. We can share it, if you would like.” She placed a mug in front of me, beside a boiling hot kettle.

“I hope we didn’t wake you,” I whispered, pulling the empty mug close to me. “I’m very sorry you had to hear that.”

She gave a shrug and poured some of the water into his own mug that had the paper tag of a tea bag hanging from it. “Everyone fights, Rue.” He handed me the box with the tea bags in it and i pulled one out with my thumb and forefinger, inspecting it before placing it in my cup. She giggled and I glanced up. “You do things funny.”

“Does that bother you?” I asked hesitantly, as I poured my own steaming water and waited for the tea to steep.

“Not at all!” She gave me a bright smile and sat at the stool that was at the island. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

I took my own seat and took the paper tag, pulling my tea bag in circles across the bottom of the cup. “Sure,” I replied, not meeting her eyes.

“Why were you two fighting about Kira?”

My hand froze and I looked up to see curious cola eyes gazing back at me. “ Your father is in charge of the case.”

“Mhm,” she hummed, taking a small sip of her tea, testing the temperature.

“Light wanted to go back to Japan to help with the case,” I lied. It was the closest that I could come to the truth. “And I-”

“Don’t want him to go,” Sayu interrupted me. She tipped her head to the side with a smile. “Are you afraid he’ll forget about you?”

“What lead you to that conclusion?” I questioned, sipping at my own darkened liquid. I inhaled sharply at the bite on my tongue from the heat and quickly lowered my mug back to the countertop.

“You’re not wearing your ring.” She was observant. She was nowhere near as brilliant as Light, but she was in no way below average intelligence. “Did you give it back to him?” I didn’t answer, just stirred my tea again. “You’re afraid he won’t come back.”

Did I want him to come back? I wasn’t sure. A part of me desperately wanted to take back everything, but the other part would be perfectly fine with never seeing that serial killer ever again.

“I wouldn’t let that happen.”

The words pulled my attention back up to her kind smile. “What? What?” i found myself asking softly.

“Because you make him happy. And I get to go to your wedding. So, duh! Of course I won’t let you two break up!” Sayu took another sip of her tea and laughed. “He won’t stay for long. If you know anything about my brother, it’s that he’s smart. He’ll figure it out and be home before you know it.”

“I told him I hated him, Sayu.” Why was I telling her any of this? It was just more she could tell her father if she slipped up on accident. Or on purpose.

Her smile dropped slightly, but it quickly returned as she shrugged her shoulders. “He’ll bounce back. He always does. And he knows you didn’t mean it.”  There was a slight silence between us, but it didn’t last long. “Who’s Lawliet?”

I coughed on my sip of tea, the back of my hand going to my mouth. Were we that loud? “Just a coworker of Light’s,” I gasped out. Sayu tossed me a towel from where it hung on the oven door. I cleaned up the spilled tea, hoping that she would buy it.

“Oh.” She clicked her tongue a few times. “A close coworker?”

“Not necessarily.”

“So, no threesome or anything? Light made it sound like you were close.”

If I had been drinking my tea, I’m sure I would have choked on it again. “No!” I blurted out, my cheeks going red.

 

She laughed brightly. “I’m only kidding. Jeeze. Calm down.” It took a moment for her laughter to stop, but when it did, she didn’t miss another beat. ”Has Light ever mentioned anything about Detective L?”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decode- Paramore


	15. Happy Holidays!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I hope you all have a wonderful time! I know I said I wasn't going to post, but I thought I would surprise all of you. Though, I am taking next weekend off. :) Thank you all for you understanding and all of your well wishes.
> 
> Now, here is a wintery one shot. It is in no way related to the main story. I just thought that you would all like an uplift after that chapter, and I thought that this college au, would be cute and fun. Anyways, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Enjoy!

L had never much cared for snow. It was cold and made everything the same boring color of white. But above all it made it thoroughly unpleasant to walk to classes from his dorm room. He dressed as if he were going on an antarctic adventure every time he went out the door.

This only made his roommate, Light, laugh each time they left for their own classes.

The two of them had met on move in day. They had grown close over the few months that they had been roommates together, from helping each other with homework to talking through their showers from their respective communal showers that were separated by a wall.

"You going to find a penguin?" Light teased the older as they locked up their dorm room and headed down the wet stairs to the door that lead out into the winter nightmare.

"Shut up," L grumbled, pulling his gloves over his hands that were turning pink from the cold.

Light laughed, his breath clinging deadly in the air, mixing with the light snowflakes that were beginning to fall from the grey sky. L's cheeks grew red at the sound. It was pleasant and not forced in anyway.

When they had first met, L wasn't sure if Light would accept him. L was odd to say the least, but Light didn't seem to mind in the slightest. They were both incredibly smart, top of their classes, and both grateful they had someone to talk to that wasn't a goldfish type of slow.

"Aren't you cold?" L questioned, looking over what his roommate wore. A simple jacket and scarf and boots for the few feet of snow. Nothing more in terms of warmth.

"Not really." Light gave a shrug. "You leaving tomorrow for Christmas break?"

"No," L answered softly. "I don't really have much of a family. My parents go off every Christmas to tour Europe. And I'm left at home with the butler." Light glanced over at L who was looking calmly ahead, towards where a snowdrift was that they had to climb to reach the road. "I thought I would just stay here for Christmas."

"I'm sorry." Light whispered, stopping as they came to the snow bank. "Would..." Light paused, causing L to turn back. "Would you like to come home with me for Christmas? My mom and my sister bake all day and we watch movies and we have Turkey. My mom isn't into the KFC thing." Light's cheeks grew hot and he kicked some of the snow and rubbed the back of his neck with chilled fingers. "You don't have to."

L was taken aback by the offer, blushing himself. He had never really had anyone ask him to do anything before. "That would be nice. Thank you."

There was a small silence between them before Light cleared his throat and they both started off for class again. Light helped L over the snow bank and both crossed the street, careful to not step into any slush or puddles.

Light fell back at the edge of the sidewalk while L continued forward. There was a sharp force against L's head as something cold hit him. L slowly turned back to where Light stood with a smug smile, hand holding a second snowball.

L rolled his eyes and sighed. "We have to get to class. We're gonna be late."

"It's just a Christmas party and a movie," Light said back, throwing the second snowball, that missed L by inches. L gave a slight smile and bent down to grab a handful of snow and pack it into a ball. But before he could finish, more snow was hitting him.

L laughed and got to his feet, chucking the snowball haphazardly, but still hitting Light in the arm. L's smile grew as Light raced towards L, who broke into a sprint, his boots sinking into the soft snow with each step, ruining the pristine white blanket.

It didn't take long for Light to catch up to L, snatching his light frame up easily and throwing L into the snow. L laughed, covering his face as Light threw fresh powder on him.

"Stop," L called out.

"Ok, ok," Light answered, a large smile over his face.

Both of them were breathing heavily, their breath dancing away in the sky. Light leaned over, arms on either side of L as he tried to catch his breath, laughter still between them.

"I'm sorry. I must have made you cold," Light finally said, sitting up slightly from where he was stradling L.

"That's ok," L muttered.

Light's eyes met L's and his smile shifted from bright to warm. L was shocked at how hot Light's fingers were as they caressed over his frozen cheek. A fluttering filled L's chest as his breath was easily stolen from him by Light's lips.

The kiss was soft like the falling snow. Warmth shot through L's blood stream and he smiled into the kiss. Light pulled back when he came to himself, his breathing quick as his eyes searched L's face for rejection. But none came. Just a smile from L.

"Should we get to class?" Light questioned, blush turning his skin red.

"It's just a movie and a Christmas party," L said softly, leaning up to capture another kiss.


	16. Gasoline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I stood there, looking after her. Something strong was building in my chest. Something that wanted her dead. Something that knew that if she thought about it further she would figure it out. I knew she was smart. She didn’t have the brains for math problems, but she didn’t need to know math to put two and two together.

*Light’s POV*

“Times have changed and continue to change. What has not changed is our role in society. Protect and serve. We are the 24/7 helpline and defense for our streets,” I said in the clearest English that I could project out towards the audience. The tie around my neck made my uniform feel stuffy, but I had finally done it. I was finally here. I had graduated. With these last few words, I’d be free. I’d be out of school. I wouldn’t have to work out every few days for physical training. Hopefully L wouldn’t make me run five miles like my instructor had every class period.

L... No. I couldn’t afford that distraction right now.

“With that in mind, let’s welcome our new officers to our family, congratulate them on a job well done and assist them into becoming officers we would want as our backups and future leaders. Thank you.”

There was clapping and I gave a small nod before returning to my seat. One of the sergeants stood and announced the ending of the ceremony and the class all left the room while families and friends applauded before following out after us.

“That was so boring,” Sayu grumbled as she met up with me outside of the room we had previously been in.

“Stop that, Sayu,” my mother scolded as she grabbed me up in a hug.

“But I couldn’t understand any of it,” Sayu shot back.

“Are you a kid, or a teenager,” I teased as I was released from my mom. “Stop acting like a little kid.” I ruffled her hair and she shoved my hand away with a laugh.

“We’ve got to get back to the hotel so that we can pack. Our flight is early,” my father reminded for the upteenth time. It was like he couldn’t stand to be here any longer than what he had to. But I couldn’t blame him. The last time he had been to this country, we had lost L. The last time we were here, people died.

What was I doing? L didn’t mean what he said and I had stepped over the line. I needed to apologise. I really needed to before I left. Maybe I shouldn’t be leaving. I should really be trying to work this out with him.

“You’re still going to come home with us, right?” Sayu asked sweetly, taking her normal place on my arm. For some reason, be it family relations or not, Sayu was easier to deal with than Misa was. It was odd how much of the same physical touching that Sayu did that was similar to Misa. But they didn’t bother me.

“Of course. I need a break from school and I got work off for the next week,” I replied kindly.

“Yay!” Sayu laughed, smiling up at me. How was she always so happy? It was a nice change to the normal atmosphere that I was usually surrounded in, but I couldn’t understand what made her so happy. “Hey, daddy, could I go with Light while he packs and then come back?”

“You have to pack your own things Sayu,” my father replied in a bored tone. It wasn’t lost on me how much he didn’t care for the idea. I knew he was only here because my mother forced him to be. For a man who was so set on his children being the best in their education, he didn’t give much of a care to the actual success that was achieved. I felt like I had achieved more praise from working the Kira case with him than I did for finishing up school and becoming part of law enforcement like he had always wanted for me. 

“But dad-”

“Don’t argue with your father please,” my mother cut in, causing Sayu’s smile to falter slightly before she sighed and gave a nod in agreement.

“Don’t worry. I’m all yours for a week,” I assured, her smile coming back. It was so nice to see her smile. It was so nice to be with her. It was a break from everything. And I did feel normal around her. I didn’t feel like she could see through me like L did.

“You better be,” she threatened with a sugary air to her voice.

The drive home was lonely and quiet. It was the most silence I think I had ever sat in before without a migraine for company. And the air in the house wasn’t much better. Beside the front door was a single suitcase of Watari’s things already packed and ready to leave. As for my things, I’m sure he left them for me to get myself, either from Sayu’s persuasion or of her own accord, to make it so that L and I would somehow talk.

As my foot took the first step leading upwards, Sayu’s words came to the forefront of my mind.

“You better apologise and give the ring back. I want to come back for the wedding.”

She was too smart for her own good. She knew exactly what i should be doing. It was almost like she was a female Watari. She was someone far beyond her years who knew a thing or two about life, though I couldn’t say if she had actually experienced any at all outside of highschool.

In front of the bedroom door, that was shining with a halo from the light inside of the room, rested a suitcase for me. Ready to be packed, ready for me to take it and go. Should I even dare come back if I leave?

I picked up the luggage that felt emotionally heavier than it should have and opened the door.

At his desk was L, who sat in his odd position. The computer was on, though it looked like it hadn't been used other than intaking the password the L had entered who knows how long ago.

He had a single piece of strawberry cake beside him on the desk, untouched. The sight struck me a bit. Had I hurt him that much that he wouldn't even eat his favorite cake?

There was an extreme air of ignoring that surrounded him as if he were purposefully trying to make sure I knew he wasn't going to give me the light of day. He didn’t even glance up from his hands that were fidgeting as I began to pack up my things.

I don’t have to go, L. Stop me. Call me back. Make me stay with you. I can’t stay on my own. I need to know that you want me.

The ring felt heavy in my uniform breast pocket. I glanced behind me slightly to see L unchanging from his position, waiting. Waiting for something. Was he waiting for me? Waiting for me to speak. Waiting for me to take action.

L, I can’t read your mind. Please tell me what you want!

I moved from my closet and to the bathroom to gather up the last few things that I needed. With my suit case closed, and me changed from my uniform to my normal suit and tie that was just as restricting, I left the bathroom. But my feet stopped me before I could make it to the door.

If there was a chance to do something, it was now. If there was a place to say something, it was now. If there was a time to apologize, it was now. I just needed to suck up my pride. I just needed to admit that I did wrong. Why couldn’t I admit that?

He knew my flaws. He knew I was in no way perfect, so why did I continue to act like I was around him?

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Just a deep sigh.

Just fucking say something! Anything!

With a shaky step, I headed for the door, closing it behind me and raced for the stairs. Maybe the further away from L I got, the better I would feel. It was a blatant lie, but maybe I could convince myself to believe it.

Watari was already waiting at the door, his own luggage in hand and waiting for me. He opened the door and stepped out. I followed, but stopped in the doorway, looking back towards the stairs.

There was still a chance. I could fix this. I just had to run backup those stairs. I just had to open that door and say those two words. Ok. Maybe five words. I’m sorry. I love you. That’s all it would take.

“Did you forget something?” Watari called out to me.

I turned back to see him waiting at the car. I shook my head and closed the door behind me.

 

***

Home. It looked the same. It felt the same. It smelled the same. It was nice to be back in a place so familiar. A place I had grown up. I glanced around the entry way for a moment before Sayu pushed into the house, moving me out of the way. She shot me a grin and disappeared into the living room, where the TV was immediately turned on.

“Sayu, come get your stuff!” my father ordered as he too entered the house, holding her bag as well as his.

“Ok, ok,”Sayu sighed.

“Light, why don’t you go put your things upstairs?” my mother suggested kindly. “I’ll get some dinner going.” 

“Right.” Both Sayu and I took our respective items and lugged them up the stairs to our rooms. I closed the door behind me and sighed deeply as I placed my suitcase on my bed. There was a knock on my door before Sayu opened it and came in. “Yes?” I asked softly.

She closed the door behind her and then ran and flopped onto my bed, causing the suitcase to tumble onto the floor. “Sorry,” she laughed.

“What do you need, short stuff?” I asked as I picked my suitcase back up.

“I’m not that short anymore!” she grumbled, folding her arms over her chest. “I’m almost as tall as you.”

I rolled my eyes with a smile and took a seat beside her on my bed. It had been a while since we had done this. Just sat side by side and talked. Far before the death note, though I was sure that did a lot to strengthen the distance between us.

“Did you talk to him?” Sayu questioned, pulling one of my pillows to her and hugging it to her chest. I closed my eyes and fell backwards and onto my bed. There was a huff of air beside me and I opened my eyes to a pillow coming at my face. I pulled the pillow off of my face and sighed at Sayu’s frown. “You didn’t, did you? You just left!”

I couldn’t reply. My gut pained me with guilt. It had been since I got on that plane. The idea that I hadn’t said a word made me sick. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Not a word. Damn it.

“You jerk,” Sayu continued.

“I know,” I mumbled softly. “I know. I’ll make it up to him. Somehow.”

“How?” Sayu demanded, hitting me with another pillow. “You can’t just buy flowers and chocolates. This’ll take more than an apology now, you idiot.”

“Are you just going to tell me how horrible I am the rest of this trip?” I grumbled, just letting the pillow stay over my face and muffle my voice. Maybe it would suffocate me and let me escape from this situation.

“Maybe I will. Damn it, Light.”

“Language,” I scolded, pulling the pillow down far enough to see her. She returned my look with a skeptical expression of her own.

“You have no say at the moment.”

“Ok,” I sighed, pulling the pillow al the way off my face. “What should I do?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Sayu demanded with a laugh. “I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

“Neither have I!” I shot back with a weak smile. “All of this is new to me.” She gave a laugh and lied next to me so we were both staring at my ceiling. “So, help out your brother. What would you want your boyfriend to do to make it up to you?”

“If I were Rue, then...” Sayu trailed off. I glanced over at her before returning my gaze to the ceiling at her scrunched up her nose, which meant she was thinking. “An apology.”

“Obviously,” I started with a shrug. “But then what, smart one?”

“Who’s the top student in Japan?” Sayu challenged, trying to hit me with my pillow again. I held my hands up and blocked the attack with a laugh. I hadn’t felt this free in a long time. I felt normal here. Like I wasn’t some mass murderer that needed to be on a leash. “I would want to punch you in the face and then I would probably cry and throw myself on you.”

“What?” I asked, confused. “Why?”

“Because I have been conditioned by media and that is how I, as a woman in love, should react if my man does something wrong to me.”

I looked over at her, eyebrows furrowed, and she laughed. “That is not something that Rue would do.” The word felt weird as it left my lips. His name wasn't Rue. He was L. He was my L. My Lawliet. “I'm so lost, Sayu.”

“Maybe.... Just get him flowers and chocolates. What do I know?”

I rolled my eyes with a chuckle. “You are not much of a help.”

“I didn't say I was smart!”

“Dinner!” My mom's muffled voice called from downstairs.

I sat up and ran my hand through my hair. “Well, I have some time to figure it out. We’ll talk more after dinner.” I got to my feet and went to the door, but the sound of my sister didn’t follow. I glanced over my shoulder, my hand hovering over the door knob. “You coming?”

“Light, can I ask you something?”

“Of course, Sayu,” I nodded, lowering my hand, turning to her.

“Kids, hurry up!” came my mother’s voice again.

But the next words made me forget about dinner. About the jitters from the flight that were still leaving my body, about my fight with L.

“Are you Kira?”

I couldn’t breathe as the air was stripped from my lungs, causing my blood to turn icy. My heart began racing, I could feel it pounding in my rib cage. And suddenly, all I could see was Sayu. Everything else fell away. I no longer heard cars speeding down the street. I no longer smelt the rice downstairs. I no longer could feel the floor beneath my feet.

“Wh-What?” I asked, stumbling over my words. It was like my tongue had ran away with my mind. It had left me alone to try to listen to my heart, my lungs, my gut some other different part of me that wouldn’t work without my brain. “Sayu?”

“I just heard you guys yelling when you were fighting,” Sayu replied calmly, picking some fuzz from my bed spread. “I heard you say something about being Kira.”

And my head all snapped back to me. It made me dizzy. It made my knees go weak beneath me, but somehow I stayed upright and didn’t sway. A smile covered my lips and I shakily ran a hand through my hair. “Oh,” I laughed, calling Sayu’s dark eyes back to my face. Her eyebrows rose in question. “No, I was stressed out because I was trying to work the Kira case from so far away while trying to take my finals. You must have misheard.” She didn’t look convinced. What could I do to make her believe. I wasn’t sure what she would do with the information if she did figure out that I was Kira. That that was a past me. “Come on, Sayu. I’m your big brother. You know me.”

“You’re right,” she said, a grin covering her face. “Sorry. I misheard.” She got to her feet and moved over to me with a bounce in her step. “Let’s go eat.”

She opened my bedroom door and left. I stood there, looking after her. Something strong was building in my chest. Something that wanted her dead. Something that knew that if she thought about it further she would figure it out. I knew she was smart. She didn’t have the brains for math problems, but she didn’t need to know math to put two and two together.

But I couldn’t kill her. I would never, ever lay a hand on her. She was my sister. I loved her. I wasn’t even sure why the thought had crossed my mind. And I doubted that I could ever actually kill someone with my own hands. I was just worried. That’s all it was. Worry that somehow she would find out and tell someone.

“Light!” my mother called again.

 

***

The week passed by easily enough. Sayu didn’t ask anymore on the subject and for that I was grateful. I went to work with my dad once or twice to help out, but there was really nothing new for me to learn about the case, other than they were still killing innocents, which meant people that the unsub knew and didn’t like. But L would have already figured that out. That would have been some of his first thoughts.

L... I hadn’t heard anything from him or about him from Watari. I hadn’t expected to, but I was worried. Extremely worried about him. Especially with his past. The memory of seeing his scars from the first time was still bright in my memory. And I wasn’t sure how easy it would be to trigger that again.

“Light,” came my mother’s voice from the bottom of the stairs. I got up from my bed where I had been staring at the ceiling and went to my door. I opened it to see her climbing the stairs with a small slip of paper in her hand.

“Yeah?” I questioned.

“Dear, would you mind taking this check to the bank for me? I would, but it closes soon and I need to have dinner ready for when your father gets home,” she said sweetly, kindness sparkling in her eyes.

“Of course,” I replied. I had nothing else better to do. I might as well help out. Especially if I was just living off of them and not helping much. My family hadn’t even let me set the table to help out. It was like they were afraid of inconveniencing me.

“Thank you.”

I took the check from her hand and pulled my wallet from my back pocket to place the paper in. I followed her down the stairs and grabbed my shoes by the front door before heading from the house.

The bank wasn’t far. Just a few blocks. A ten minute walk at first. And I had been meaning to finish a book that I had been listening to anyways. I pulled my phone from my pocket and unwound the earphones from around it, placing them in my ears and turning on the book.

“I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life,” came Salinger’s written words in my ear.

The walk was nice. It was a decent temperature outside, though it was getting closer to winter. And my legs needed the stretch. And the line for the desk wasn’t that long either.

I paused my book and pulled on of my earphones out so that when the clerk spoke to me, I could hear them. A few minutes passed and I was finally the next one up, when all of a sudden there was a loud shout.

“Hey!”

I turned back to see who the voice belonged to and jumped at the sound of a gunshot. There were screams as people scattered, and a security guard fell to the ground, his uniform turning a red color.

“I wanna see hands in the air. Now!” a second voice ordered, his gun pointed at the clerks, but he stayed by the front door to watch for the police. He was a little larger, but was still fit.

My eyes flickered around the room and caught the site of three masked men. Each had a gun in hand and one was making his way up to the front desks and putting bags on the counter. “Put the money in the bags, do you understand?” the third and final voice asked. 

No one moved or spoke.

“Do you understand?!”

“Yes,” the frightened clerk spit out, her hands trembling in the air.

“Try to trigger any alarm and you’re dead,” the third and tallest one of the three said, his gun also pointed at the clerks.

The first voice though, they had a much smaller and curved frame and had eyes on everyone in the bank. And the ends of their hair could be seen under their ski mask. It was a woman. There were several couples huddled together including an elderly couple. And there was a crying baby in a stroller with a mother, standing in front of it protectively.

“Move it!” The tallest ordered and all of the clerks jumped into action, beginning to fill the bags with the money they had in their stations.

“Get down!” the woman yelled, stepping closer to everyone. “If I see your eyes, I will shoot.”

I found myself obeying, dropping to my knees and flattening myself ace first onto the floor.. But I wasn’t sure what else to do in this situation than to obey.

“One minute and forty-eight seconds,” the woman continued, glancing at the watch on her wrist.

They had been planning this. They had scouted it out. They knew how long it would take for the police to respond if the gunshots were heard.

“Vault key,” the fatter’s voice demanded.

“I’ll take you to it,” another female voice said, one of the clerks.

“Maybe we can run away before she shoots us,” a deeper voice said in English.

“Try that and I will splatter the wall with your wives head,” the first answered in English.There were small whimpers from another woman. Most likely the wife.

She knew another language.

I was doing my best to compile all the information I was learning into my head, but my heart was speeding away in my chest as adrenaline filled my body. And this carpet smelled like feet. It was horribly distracting. And there was something else. A vibrating in my pocket.

My phone was ringing. Maybe it was my mom. Maybe the robbery was already on the news, if they had only had two minutes to finish the robbery. But it kept ringing. As soon as one cycle finished, it rang again, buzzing against my leg.

I glanced up slightly as footsteps walked past me and away from me. “30 seconds,” the female called out. And the other was still watching the door as the distant sound of sirens could be heard.

This was my chance. I reached over to my headphones and hit the answer button. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, maybe a soft, I’m alright. I wasn’t sure. But the voice that came into my ear was not one that I expected.

“I’m trying to hack into the security cameras now. Give me just a few. You know morse code, right?” L asked. A shot of shock and relief filled me. How did he know? “You can tap out your answers to me once I get the cameras up on my computer, asshole. And Watari called me after your mother frantically called your father.”

Sorry.That’s all I wanted to say. He was still mad at me. How could I blame him?

“Almost there,” L continued in my ear. It was almost like that party. Like being back in that theater. Voices in my head and voices around me. I didn’t like it. “Ok. I’m in. One person dead.” Dead? Had they really killed the security guard? “Are there more hostages behind the desks?”

Yes. What was yes? It didn’t help that L was speaking in English. God. I had to translate it from English into Japanese, back to English and then to morse code? L, work with me.

Long, short, long, long, pause, short, pause, short, short, short, was tapped out with my index finger on the ground.

“Other hand Light. I don’t have a camera under the counter.” 

My left hand. God damn it. Yes, was tapped out again and there was a hum of acknowledgement. 

“You’re tapping in Japanese.” I rolled my eyes at the comment. “And how many of them are there?” L asked, now in Japanese so I didn’t have as much to focus on.

God. This was going to kill me before they did. What was it? Long, short, short.... No. Fuck.

“We have trouble. Black and white!” the one at the door yelled back to the other two.

“The side door,” the taller, third voice informed. I could hear the shuffling of the bags that had been filled with money and I glanced over to see the taller man lifting them up and onto his shoulder, while the woman kept pacing between the two men.

The sirens were much louder now, but L had fallen silent in my ear. So silent that I thought he might of hung up. So, when he spoke again, it startled me slightly.

“Are there only three of them?” he questioned. Yes, I tapped out. “Interesting.”

There were more footsteps and I could see the larger man who had been at the door walk by me, and begin helping the taller.

“Everyone’s eyes down!” the woman instructed, her gun hand steady as she walked the line of us again. “Count to a hundred. Don’t even think about getting up.”

All was silent for a moment save for the baby crying and I was about to move when L’s voice spoke in my ear. “Don’t.” Gunshots rang out in quick succession, one right after the other. “They’re coming back inside. One of them has been shot. You’re going to be here for a while.”

This was so unlike L. He was so confident. And not that fake confident he had been at the party. No. This was where he was meant to be. In the action. As much as he liked to hide behind his computer and solve everything from far away, he was supposed to be front line and center. He was the spotlight. He was the world’s greatest three detectives. He could get everyone out of here without anyone else being hurt.

The three stumbled back in, one of the men holding the other. And the woman came in a bit later. “There’s no other door,” she said, stepping over to the counter. “All of you, out here now. On the floor next to the others!”

And there was a scurrying of motion as the other clerks came to join the rest of us on the floor. One cried as a gun was pushed to the back of her head. “Is there another way out of here?” the woman asked impatiently.

“There’s only the two doors for security,” the woman answered in a high pitched voice.

“He needs a doctor,” L muttered. “Or he’ll bleed out like the guard.”

“I need a doctor,” the taller one said with clenched teeth, holding to his reddening shirt.

“What happened?” the woman asked, now walking over to the two men. “We were on count.”

“An unmarked car was outside,” L continued. “One of them is dead.” My mind was welding with all of this information. And this damn carpet still smelled like feet. “Alright, killer.” My jaw tightened at the name calling. “What would you do if you were them? You’ve just killed a police office and you’re cornered. What do you do?”

Use the hostages for leverage. That was the only way they might be able to get out of here. And it was a very low possibility. And suddenly, I was being dragged to my feet, forced towards the front exit, but stopped in the line, the woman with the crying child beside me. She hushed it and tried to bounce the newborn lightly, but it still cried.

“Is anyone in here a doctor?” the fatter one asked, the sound of bags dropping to the floor.

“They’re making you a shield,” L said as he crunched away on something he was eating. Was this really the time to be eating anything? Or was he really that upset at me, that he could snack while I was being held at gunpoint.

“Shut that kid up!” the woman grumbled from behind us.

“It’s a baby,” I said, my voice very steady, despite how my knees were barely holding me up. “What do you expect?” There was a sharp pain in my head that made my ears ring and I dropped to my knees. She hit me with the but of the gun.

“Light, are you ok?” came a very muffled voice in my ear.

“Keep your mouth shut.” The female grabbed onto my hair and held it tightly before letting it go.

“Apply pressure to it,” one of them men said, obviously speaking to the injured one.

God, my head hurt. It spun and made my dizzy. But I didn’t have time for this. I needed to be all here. All focused. I was L’s tool. I shouldn’t have spoken out.

“Light, are you ok?” L asked frantically. I waved towards the camera as an answer..

“Can’t you focus on what’s important?” The woman yelled, obviously upset.

“He’s bleeding out. He needs help.”

“It’s his fault we’re here in the first place.Nice heads up on the cops, Luis.”

“Luis,” L muttered, now clearer in my head. “This is all very interesting. She’s in charge. You can tell from the confidence even though she’s pinned.”

L was doing nothing to help. I honestly would have been better off without him.

“Ryuk.”

At the name that left L, I glanced up to see two very thin black legs in front of me, with a black notebook in his extended hand. I didn’t understand. Why was he here? I didn’t have a death note on me. My death note was most likely back in England. Whose death note was this? It wasn’t Misa’s. I was sure her’s was buried somewhere outside of Tokyo.

There was a raspy laugh. One that I hadn’t heard in a very long time. One that somehow gave me a sense of comfort amidst the confused emotions rushing through my body.

“Anna Popov,” Ryuk simply said, jesting out the black notebook further towards me. “Luis Volkov, Andrei Orlov.” I gave a confused look. “Someone asked me to give you their names and this death note to help.” My eyes dropped back down to the black notebook in Ryuk’s hand. “Anna Popov.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gasoline- Halsey
> 
> Thank you all for reading! See you next week!


	17. I Caught Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let me stop it,” came Light’s soft voice.  
> I bit my lip, my eyes returning to where the death note still sat on the floor. But I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I would be no better than a murderer if I let Light use that book. But it was tempting. Would it save more people in the long run?

*L’s POV*

 

I could only watch. Only hope that Light wasn’t stupid enough to use that death note. That damn shinigami. How the hell did he even find a death note? Where did he get it? And I could hear them. Now I had names. Now I had backgrounds to send to Watari.

But Light wasn’t the only thing that was important at the moment and I knew he could take care of himself if he kept his mouth shut. It was the others I needed to worry over. I did my best to keep an eye on all of the cameras that I could.

All of the hostages were lined up in front of the front doors, while Anna kept pacing back and forth, her gun trained on the hostages. On the other side of the room, Luis was leaning up against the leg of one of the tables and Andrei was putting pressure to where Luis had been shot. Once in his leg and the other in his chest. And I could only watch as they continued to fight and as Ryuk enticed Light to use the death note. 

“L, I could end this. Right now,” Light whispered to me.

“Did you ever think that maybe your count was off?” Andrei questioned of Anna, whose head whipped around almost violently, daring Andrei to continue. “He’s gonna die if we don’t get him some help.”

“We’re all going to die if we don’t get out of here. You killed a cop,” Anna hissed.

There was whimpering from Luis. “I don’t wanna die.”

“You’re not going to die.” Andrei got to his feet, but my eyes returned to Light.

“Don’t do it,” I finally replied. It struck me as odd that Ryuk wasn’t saying more. And someone had given him the death note to give to Light. That meant that someone knew Light and wanted to help. Someone knew Ryuk. Someone knew that Light was Kira. Someone knew Light was Kira. “You know exactly what I will have to do if you use it. You will be locked up the moment you get out of that building.”

I watched through grainy feedback as Light bounced slightly on his heels, weighing his options. “I can save everyone here.”

“It’s your choice, Light,” I said softly. I didn’t want him to use it. I had never been this stressed in all of my life. I was over 9,000 miles away. What the hell was I supposed to do from my bedroom, stuck behind a computer? I just wanted Light to come home. I just wanted Light to be safe. That’s all I wanted.

“We’re trapped in here, ok,” Andrei’s voice broke me from Light. “But we’ve got something that they want. All of them.” He motioned to the line of hostages with his gun. His tone was overly confident.

I wasn’t sure what to tell Light that would help. Maybe I could work with the negotiating part. I could have Watari tag along with Yagami-san and I could somehow work the phones. It was a long shot, but that would be my best bet. For now I just needed to take the advantage of having an inside view.

I glanced back at Light, who was still jumpy. I couldn’t imagine what was going through his head, but if he did pick the death note over me, I couldn’t give him another chance. It just wasn’t safe to have him on the street anymore. I would have him locked up and once that was done, I would burn the death notes. Destroy them. No one would ever use them again if I could help it.

My eyes went back to the three in the room, watching them carefully. Negotiation would be simple enough. They would ask for a medic, unless the woman had her way. She didn’t seem concerned for Luis in any fashion. The two men were close. Family or friends. But Anna....

The way she held herself. She was cold and detached. She didn’t care about anyone but herself. She would give up her partners before she gave up herself.

“Go away Ryuk.”

My eyes darted back to Light, who kept glancing over his shoulder to the pained moans from Luis. Ryuk gave a laugh and disappeared from the camera’s view, leaving the death note behind on the ground beside Light’s feet.

“Everything’s going to be ok,” Light’s soft voice muttered over to the woman whose child had calmed down a bit.

“Watari, is the task force heading to the bank?” I asked over to the other line that I had put on hold.

“Yes, sir. We’re arriving now. Is there something I can do?”

“Yes. See if you can get me to be the negotiation when the communication lines open up,” I replied before returning to my phone call with Light.

“We’re all going to die,” someone else from the line cried, though I couldn’t tell who it was just from the back of everyone’s heads.

“I’m sure the police will give them what they want,” came another voice.

“Stop talking!” Anna shouted, snatching at a woman’s hair and pulling on it. The woman whimpered as the gun was placed to her head. The shout only caused the baby to begin crying again.

“Sir,” came Watari’s voice.

“Can you patch me through?” I pulled up the street view cameras to where many flashing lights sat, as well as dozens of vested officers. There was a tent where the electronics had to be set up under.

“I can get you through now,” Watari replied, until there was ringing on the line.

The ringing stopped as Luis got up and natched the phone. “Who the hell is this?”

“My name is Rue Ryuzaki, I’m with the TMPD,” I answered, watching the camera’s closely. “To whom am I speaking?”

I didn’t get a name though, they went right into demands. “I want a doctor sent in and then I want out of here.”

“We can certainly discuss that,” I answered as gently as I could. The best way to get everyone out of there was to stay calm. “If you let the hostages go, then we’ll send in all the medical help you need.”

There was a laugh from Luis and Anna moved closer to the phone as if she could hear what I was saying. “I can’t do that.”

“Then how about a sign that you’re willing to negotiate?” I asked, typing up what was happening and emailing it to Watari’s phone. “Send out the women and children and I’ll see what I can do.”

I watched curiously as the phone was lowered from Luis’ hand and he looked up to Anna, as if asking for permission.

“We’re not playing games,” Anna said quickly, gun still aimed at the woman who had spoken out of turn. Anna then turned back to the crowd and walked up it once before turning around and coming back to where a younger girl, around ten, stood with a man’s arm around her shoulder protectively. Anna stepped forward and grabbed the girl’s arm.

There was a scream from the girl, and the man turned around to try and grab the younger one back, but Anna’s gun stopped him. “No, no, no, no,” the man said quickly. “Please don’t hurt my daughter.”

I felt so helpless. There wasn’t anything physically that I could do to help. Not from here.

“You better be listening,” Anna said towards the phone. “If we don't get what we want, we will kill everyone in this room.”

“You do that and you get nothing,” I tried again, unsure if they could hear me from the phone.

“Please take me instead,” the dad begged. “Please. Take me.” I could see him shift his focus to his daughter. “It’s ok, baby.”

I froze as Anna looked directly at the camera. It was like she could see me through the lense. Like I was the only one that had access to the camera and she knew it, though I knew for a fact that the police also had access to the video feed. And then, without breaking eye contact with me, the gun fired and the man fell to the ground.

“Daddy!” the young girl yelled, running towards the fallen man.

I took a deep breath and my thumb went to my mouth as Light's voice came to me again. I had to admit that the offer was tempting. “Let me use the death note.”

“Send in some help or more people are going to die,” Came Luis’ voice before the phone line cut with the hanging up of a phone.

“Send in a medic,” I ordered to Watari.

“Won’t that just give them another hostage?” Watari questioned.

“If it saves people, we need to risk it. Doesn’t Aizawa have medical training? Send him in. It’ll be better to have an agent there so he can take the opportunity should it arise.”

I turned back to my computer and began to research different bank robberies in the area, searching for connections to other robberies. She said they had been keeping track of time. They knew when the police would show up. No faces, no passing notes and they hadn’t touched anything, so there would be no prints. They were professionals. They had worked this out. They had done research and were ready.

They had to have a record. And there it was. Seven other bank robberies across the island. But this one was the largest one. Maybe this was their target all along. Maybe this was going to be their last one before they took all of their cash and ran away. Though, I wasn't sure how much they could possibly have, bank robbers weren't known for having large sums of cash if they got away with it. Most banks didn’t keep much cash on site to make sure that things like this only had minimal damage.

Also, the more I dug, the more I found out about their names. The two men were cousins, both petty thieves that landed themselves in jail and then turned bank robber when released. The woman must have helped step up their game.

And at every crime scene, there was always one person they left for dead. Though, the victims were always different. Men, women, children. It didn’t seem to matter. Save for the fact that Anna was the one who always pulled the trigger. And they all had the same wound. Shot to the torso, where the victim would bleed out.

I glanced back to the camera where the woman was looking back at me. She was brutal. She liked the pain. Luis was in charge of the money grabbing and Andrei kept watch.

“Where’s my medic?” Luis asked from where he was still knelt beside his cousin.

“I don’t see one,” Anna replied, her gun still up and ready.

“Then kill someone else, make them listen.”

“L, I can stop this,” Light said yet again. There was a conflict building up in my head. Did I dare let him? It was wrong. It was unnatural. And it would set him back to square one. We would have to go through the worst parts of his addiction again. “Please let me stop them.” Would they kill again? The woman would without hesitation.

“We’re ready with the medic,” Watai’s voice said from the other line.

“Make sure he has a gun on him. In the bag. She won’t check it. They’ll be too in a hurry to get the other help. And once they’re done with that, check the other man. He may still be alive. And tell him not to shoot unless he can end the situation without harming any of the hostages,” I instructed quickly. “Patch me through with another phone call.”

“Right away.”

The phone rang and I watched as Luis raced to it. “Why the hell isn’t there a medic yet?” he demanded.

“We’re sending the medic in now, Luis. Tell Andrei that help is coming,” I replied. I really hoped that using their names would freak them out enough that Aizawa would have less trouble.

“Hurry,” was all I received before the line fell dead. “They know our names.”

Anna was the first to remove her mask and Luis followed. And Anna again turned to the camera, pulling something from her pocket. I squinted to see through the grains a bit more to see her putting on lipstick. She was enjoying this.

And as soon as the door opened, Anna had her gun trained on Aizawa as he entered and pushed her way through the wall of hostages, beginning her pat down of him.

“I don’t feel so good,” Andrei coughed, falling to the ground.

“No!” Luis yeled. “Help him.” I watched as Anna shoved Aizawa to the back of the bank. “You’re gonna save him, right?”

“I’m going to try,” Aizawa answered, kneeling beside Andrie. He leaned over to check for breathing, but at none, he began CPR.

“Watari, we may be looking at a worse case scenario. If Andrei dies, Luis might kill someone else. Just be prepared,” I warned.

“Let me stop it,” came Light’s soft voice.

I bit my lip, my eyes returning to where the death note still sat on the floor. But I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I would be no better than a murderer if I let Light use that book. But it was tempting. Would it save more people in the long run? And how would it affect Light? He would be back to square one. We would have to work through the worst of the addiction again.

And when Aizawa stopped in his attempts and got to his feet, I knew things were going to be bad. Maybe he should try to shoot. No, it wasn’t worth the risk. But I wasn’t sure how Luis would react.

He was a mad bull. Luis began throwing things from the desks and pacing. My fingers tapped on my desk as I watched. I wasn’t sure what to have them all do. I wasn’t sure what the best way to handle this was.

“Can I help the other man?” Aizawa questioned in a careful voice.

“No!” Luis shouted, aiming his gun at Aizawa before several rounds went off. I jumped as Aizawa fell back against a nearby table. We needed to get someone in there to help. Aizawa wasn’t dead, but he would be soon if we didn’t get someone with medical training there.

“L,” Light said a little more fiercely.

“Don’t do it,” I ordered.

“Sir,” came Watari’s voice. “They want to perform a tactical assault. There are snipers at the ready.”

“What about the hostages?” I questioned, watching Luis intently. When there wasn’t an immediate answer, I sighed. “Buy me some time Watari.”

“I will do my best. I’m not sure how much of a say I have.”

“Everyone move forward five feet,” Luis ordered, his gun now pointed at the rest of the hostages. “I said move!”

Everyone scrambled forward while two were forced to move Andrei’s body and put it with the security guard’s. I watched silently. I wasn't sure what to do. My mind was working a thousand miles and hour, but I was not producing any solutions.

“We need to find a way out of here,” Anna said without showing the slightest bit of remorse for Andrei.

“Who triggered the alarm?” Luis demanded, walking the line of people, before he shoved one of the clerks. “Was it you?”

“Luis, calm down. You need to keep your head. Call them back and get an armored truck.”

I gave a confused look. The police would never agree. There was so much damage the could do with an armored truck.

“You think they’ll let us go?” Luis asked. “We’ve killed three people.”

“We are still going to try,” Anna replied.

“Go away so that I can think.”

Anna grinned, pulling a phone from her pocket. “It’s so much fun when they suffer,” she laughed. “We’re going to be famous.”

I began digging through more files and searching for more information on the woman. Anna was someone I recognized, but for some reason there was hardly any information on her. The cousins had been in the robbery for the money. Why was she here? She was searching the building again, but not for an exit. What was she looking for?

“Get me back on the phone,” I ordered to Watari.

“What do you want?” Luis demanded, snatching up the phone immediately.

“How do you want to end this Luis?” I asked.

“I want a way out of here.”

“And how would you like to do that?” I questioned, typing away on my keyboard. She was nowhere to be seen.

“I want an armored truck.” He was doing exactly what Anna wanted. “And a plane with a clear flight to switzerland. We’ll fly ourselves.”

Fly themselves? He had no pilot training. Did anna?

Before I could say anything the phone line went dead.” I lowered my head to the desk for a moment. What the fuck was I doing? I had never done something like this before. I had never been the negotiator. I had never been in the action. I did my best to stay away from the action. It always got me into trouble. 

“Get them the armored car,” I ordered.

“What the hell are you thinking?” Light demanded in as soft a voice as he could. But I could still make out the anger in it. I could still hear the stress. The want. The emotion. Maybe I needed to let him use the death note. Damn it.

“Of course, sir,” Watari replied. He was following me blindly. I had no idea what I was doing. I was just the blind leading the blind.

“How were we related to the robbery?” I questioned.

“We received an anonymous tip that the robbery was in process from a cell phone,” Watari answered. “We didn’t act on it until Yagami-san found out that Light was there.”

I sat up and went to my computer, trying to pinpoint the cell phone that was used. It was registered to a man. And the call had been made... I paused and checked over my information again to make sure that it was correct. The call had been made inside of the bank five minutes before the robbery had taken place. It didn’t come from a hostage. It came from one of the robbers. She had wanted us here. Why? Just the want of being known?

Maybe she had something bigger in mind. Though I wasn’t sure what that could be.

“Watari, if you can,when we finally move everyone out, seperate the man and the woman,” I instructed. I was so tense. I felt like I needed someone to wring me out. I was going to lose my mind. And worry was pouring through me. I wanted Light out of there.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

I sighed and looked back over the cameras. There wasn’t much movement. The man was standing beside the phone and the woman was searching the building yet again. Each camera she passed, she would stop and look at. Straight at me. But what if she wasn’t looking at me? What if she was putting on a show.

There was someone else watching. There was another unsub. And I doubted that Luis knew. That might be a way to get to him. 

This might be a way to break them up. They were already on rocky ground. Maybe this could work.

"Watari, put me on the phone again," I called.

"L, this obviously isn't working. Let me help," Light said yet again. He was being so obedient. He hadn't moved yet. But the longer this was taking, the more appealing the death note was sounding. It would be fast. And we could get help for Aizawa and the father, if he was still alive.

“Are you stupid?” I asked as soon as the line connected.

"This a new tactic?" Luis questioned. "Insulting me?"

"It's the truth. Didn’t you ever wonder what went wrong? Why you were caught when you did everything absolutely correctly?” I questioned, watching the video feed carefully. At silence, I continued. “We received a message from someone in the bank before the robbery even took place.”

“That’s impossible,” Luis started with a chuckle.

“I know it wasn’t you. And I am positive that it wasn’t your cousin. Who does that leave?”

There was a moment of silence, confusion on his face. “You’re lying,” he eventually said.

“Ask her,” I pushed. Anna had entered the room and walked closer to the phone.

“Did you call the police?”

There was a slight moment of being taken aback on Anna’s face before re answered with a laugh. “Is that what they’re telling you?”

“That’s not an answer,” I said quickly. I needed them to turn on each other. It could be the key to ending all of this.

“Of course not,” she reiterated. “They want us to turn on each other.”

“Why would you do that?” Luis questioned, his voice growing darker. “Andrei is dead because of that.”

“I wouldn’t,” Anna replied, stepping closer to him intimidatingly. “I’m trapped in here too!”

Luis’ gun was immediately on Anna. “Are you lying to me?”

But it didn’t seem to frighten her. She moved closer until the gun was positioned against her chest. “We’ve come too far for you to be doubting me now.” He voice was soft. It was almost as if she were talking to a child in some way. “Don’t let them tear us apart.” Loving hands were placed to Luis’ face. “Not when we’re about to win. If you do that then Andrei’s death won’t mean anything.”

“Enough. I’m done talking to you. No more police. I want to talk to detective L.”

My eyes widened slightly. “Why him?” I found myself asking.

“If anyone can pull strings, he can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Caught Myself- Paramore 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts! Love you all!


	18. I Will Find You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And this was how I was going to die. Alone in a bathroom, taking several hundred others with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know your thoughts! I would love to hear them!

*Light’s POV*

 

The request shocked me. What were we supposed to do. No one was supposed to know that L was alive. And even what he had been doing was risking more than what he should have been risking. And it was my fault. He was only doing this because I was here.

“What you’re asking me is difficult,” L replied.

“I’ll make it easy then,” Luis’ voice said from somewhere behind me. “If you let me talk to L, then I’ll let a few hostages go.”

“That is an amazing first step.” I could hear the hesitancy in L’s tone. “But I am not sure of a way that we can find contact with L.”

“This isn’t a debate.” There was some form of movement, but I couldn’t tell what it was.

There were footsteps and then a hand grabbed the man beside me, dragging him back. “Pick up the phone,” Luis ordered.

“Wh-why?” the man asked.

“Pick up the phone!”

There was a pause and I glanced back to see the clerk picking up the phone. “Hello?”

“Tell them your name,” Luis ordered.

“I’m Usagi,” The man answered.

My heart jumped as a loud crack filled there room and there were screams. The baby began crying again beside me and I glanced over to see the mother silently crying as she held the bundle.

“Man.” Sarcasm dripped from Luis’ words. I couldn’t help but bounce on the balls of my feet slightly. I was so on edge. I could stop this. “You just killed Usagi. Not me. You. And I’m going to shoot another hostage every 60 seconds, if you don’t get me L. Now, who’s next?” I could feel the room tense even more than it was. Luis hummed, walking the line. “You,” he said, snatching a woman from further down the line.

“No!” she screamed, crying. “Please no!”

“Tell them your name,” Luis instructed.

“No, no, no,” the girl sobbed.

“Your name!”

“Aiko,” she blubbered.

“Hold on Aiko,” L said to her, though I wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing to help.

“I hope that Rue doesn't make me kill Aiko too.” There was a cry from the Aiko at the words. “You have 30 seconds.”

“I’m L!” I found myself saying loudly before I could stop myself or even think. “I’m L! Don’t hurt her!”

“What are you doing?” L demanded in my ear. “What the hell are you doing? If this call ends, I won’t have any audio.” L’s voice was frantic in my ear. “They will kill you!”

A hand snatched my shoulder and I was pulled from the line to face Luis. My eyes wandered the seen. Aiko was clutching to the phone, the body of Usagi beside her, the blood pooling around her dress shoes, and Anna’s gun on her.

“Let the women and children go,” I said as gently and calmly as I could. Luis laughed. “They don’t need to see this.”

“Aiko, you are off the hook. Get back in line.” Aiko immediately dropped the phone and raced back to where the others were still facing the front door. When my eyes came back to Louis, his gun was pointed at my face. “You’re a funny guy. Before I kill you, how am I supposed to know if you really are L?”

“The only way a person can contact L is through a man named Watari. If I can have Watari call you, will you believe me?” I asked, glancing behind Luis to Anna, who sat atop a table, watching with a smile.

“Sure. If you can get Watai to talk to us directly, then I will believe you,” Luis replied with a nod. “Go, call him.”

“I can’t lose this audio, Light,” L warned me.

I glanced towards a camera apologetically before pulling the earphone from my ear and my phone from my pocket. Holding it out so that Luis could watch me, I found Watari’s name and tapped on it. When the screen came up, I put the call on speaker.

“Hello?” Watari asked when the line had connected.

“Watari, can you please tell this man that I am detective L?” I asked, unable to hide the nervousness from my voice.

“Of course you’re L,” Watari answered in a way that only spouted confidence.

“Why would L be in this bank?” Luis asked.

“You really think he just sits at a computer in his room all day?” Watari questioned with a laugh. “L has a normal life, like anyone else.”

Luis didn’t look fully convinced and I knew Anna didn’t believe me at all, but Luis nodded and pulled my phone from my hand, ending the call. “Alright.” Luis glanced around at all the people before resting his hand on the mother with the child. I took a step forward, but Anna’s hand stopped me. “You, take the children and get out.” I watched as the woman and the young girl raced for the exit. Luis kept his side of the deal. Maybe he would still be easy to work with.

“Would you mind if I helped him?” I questioned, motioning to Aizawa who looked sickly pale. “A dead cop won’t be much of a negotiating tool.”

There was an angry spark that shot through Luis. “Do you have medical training?”

My hands went up defensively. “No. I just thought that wrapping the wounds couldn’t hurt.” I glanced towards the medical bag. As much as I wanted to help Aizawa, I wanted the gun that was in that bag.

“Fine. Whatever.”

At the ok, I moved towards the bag and snatched it up before kneeling next to Aizawa. He wasn’t breathing very well, but I needed to try my best to help him. I shifted him so that he was sitting up more, my hands becoming a dark red.

“How are you feeling?” I asked softly.

“Been better,” he replied, coughing up red. I began to rummage through the bag to find gauze and wraps.

“I’m going to go search the back again,” Anna said before moving through to the back of the bank.

“We need to turn them against each other,” Aizawa whispered. “That might be your only chance out.”

“I agree,” I replied, doing my best to wrap up the wounds. “I’ll distract them. Can you stand?”

“I will do my best,” he replied. “I’ll make sure everyone gets out.”

“Thank you.” I glanced behind me, but at Luis’ gaze on me, I decided it was best if I didn’t take the gun. I got to my feet and slowly approached Luis. he gave a confused look. “You can’t trust her,” I tried. “She’s taking orders from someone else.”

“No. She’s taking orders from me,” Luis corrected me.

“Any second, police are going to break into this place and the only bad guy I see is you.” Luis’ eyes were dark. “She’s setting you up. You’ll take the fall for this.”

“That’s not true.”

“Then where is she?” I challenged.

“Alright.” He snatched my shoulder and shoved me towards the back of the bank, the barrel of the gun digging into my back. “I’ll show you.” The gun pushed me in the direction that Anna had gone and I could just hope that Aizawa was able to get everyone out while we were gone and he was horribly injured.

We wound down hallways and checked each backroom before we came to the very last one in the hall. The walls were lined with shelving and boxes. We rounded a shelf right as Anna stepped out of a closed door in the back.

What the hell are you doing?” Luis demanded and Anna gave a slight smile.

“You’ll see.”

I didn’t like the sound of that. What had she been doing back here? There was something wrong. Something bad was going to happen. I just hoped that Aizawa got everyone out.

Anna opened the door fully and motioned for Luis. The gun at my back shoved me through first and I was shoved in a direction of a ladder that lead downwards. I knelt down and took the sides, lowering myself down.

“Hurry. We don’t have much time,” Anna urged.

I dropped down to the floor and glanced around. There was a maintenance entrance. She knew that. She had planned everything. What else had she planned?

The gun pushed me further down the cement hall until the floor was removed below me and I found myself face first in the hard ground, with ringing ears. It took a moment for everything to come back and I was pulled to my feet aggressively, this time by the woman. She forced me forward, but the ringing made it so I couldn’t exactly hear what she was dying.

“...gas main.” the sentence was chipped, but it was enough for me to understand. She had made an explosion happen up above. I wasn’t sure how or why I didn’t smell any gas, but it had obviously happened. I just hoped that no one else had died in the process. Maybe it was an explosive set off by... No. Maybe c4. That would create the large explosion. But that didn’t matter now. Right now I was a hostage and I no longer had any eyes on me. They wouldn’t be able to find me. 

Eventually, we came to a door that lead out on the street. The street was empty, but you could hear the sirens overlapping the chatter down the street. I shave shoved to a car and climbed into the back seat. Anna took the passenger seat and Luis the drivers’.

As soon as the car started off, Anna pulled her phone from her pocket. A small gunshot came from the speakers and I leaned over enough to see her watching a video she had filmed of Luis shooting the father.

“You recorded that shit?” Luis asked, glancing over. “You planned this the whole time, Anna. You set me up to take the fall. You killed Andrei.” She didn’t look up from her phone and a smile was across her face. “How do I know that he’s not your partner?” This was bad.

“Why would I work with this guy?” anna questioned, turning back in her seat to look at me with a disgusted expression.

“Why would you do anything that you did?” Luis hissed, taking a sharp turn that knocked me into the door. “Cops said that you got somebody else.’

“You sound jealous,” she smirked. Her smile fell aas Luis trained his gun on her.

“Who is it?”

I glanced around at the surroundings, but didn’t see anything I recognized. I had never really been to this district before. But there was no way for me to tell anyone where I was anyways. Unless... Could I somehow roll down the window? Now that would be too risky.

“Don’t point that at me. This is about survival. And I am your only way out of this mess,” was Anna’s answer.

“Alright. Let me kill him.” Luis’ gun turned to me. How many more chances did I have before his finger finally did pull the trigger. My chest was tight and it felt like my lungs didn’t have enough room to expand.

“We need him for leverage.”

It was best if they kept me alive. They wouldn’t kill me until my use had dissolved and that wouldn’t be for a while. I had until they reached the help. The other man. I needed to think of a way out of this. They were driving too quickly for me to jump out of the car. The injuries would be hard to live from.

And why did they do this. The cousins had been in it for the money, but her. She had done all of this for the chaos. She had done all of this to speak to someone. To say something. And they had picked Japan specially. Why Japan?

There was a ringing and Anna put her phone to her ear. “Yeah? Got it.”

“That was fast,” Luis grumbled.

“Change of locations. Turn around,” she ordered.

I could sense the hesitant, but with a loud squeal we stopped on the side of the road. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me the plan.”

I jumped and could only watched as Anna emptied her clip into Luis before grabbing his gun. “He talks too much. L, come get him out of the car.”

“And just leave him here?” I questioned, my mouth dry.

“Please and thank you,” Anna said, her gun now on me. She was more dangerous than Luis had ever been. I had to do everything as carefully as I could. I got from my seat and moved to the driver’s door, opening it. Luis fell to the ground with a groan, his blood covering the back of the seat. “Sorry for the mess,” she teased. I slowly climbed behind the steering wheel and closed the door on the dying man. “Drive.”

I followed her instructions for a few streets and came to a stop when ordered. The back door opened and someone climbed in. In the rear view mirror, I could see the face a woman. She was the woman beside me that had the child. This was her partner? This woman had been the one who made the anonymous tip. That had to be it. But what had happened to the baby?

“Drive,” the woman in the back ordered.

“You know the way,” Anna finished.

I put the car in gear and began down the road towards the nearest airport that I knew of. I had to think. I wouldn’t be of use as soon as we reached that airport. I had the when, where, and how. What was the why? Anna’s partener had been there the whole time. They had planned all of this out. And by the look on Anna’s face towards the woman in the back, she wouldn’t have let Luis harm the partener in anyway. So why?

They had made situations that had been near impossible to survive. A high. Like an adrenaline junkie. The ultimate high. Near death.

“What happened to the baby?” I asked. I was running out of time. The exit was coming up.

“Wasn’t mine. Picked it up. Probably why it kept crying,” the woman in the back replied. “But he’s fine, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

I gave a nod. “Since I’m going to die here soon, would you mind telling me why you're doing this?”

“To get back at the country that turned on me,” the voice in the back seat said.

“What’s your name?” I inquired, glancing back in the rear view mirror. I was running out of time. They would leave me for dead in this car and I had no cell phone.

“Hiriko Takahashi.” I knew the name. It was a rape and murder case. Her husband was murdered and she was raped, but no one ever could prove that the convicted was guilty. She must have felt very betrayed. “I thought that maybe Kira would help me, like he did for Misa Misa. But the years went by and nothing happened to the man.” I bit my lip. What man? Had people really been expecting me to kill everyone that had ever done a wrong thing in their life? And I didn’t have a name. And there was no evidence that the one convicted had ever really done it. “So I called Anna to get the job done.”

Assassin for hire? Maybe.

I pulled into the parking garage and closed my eyes. I was going to die. Right here. There was no reason to keep me around.

“Out of the car,” Anna said, motioning to the door with her gun.

I gave a confused look, but slowly exited the car. I was lead from the parking lot and towards a terminal. Once inside, the two of them lead me back to where the bathrooms were. Hirio had a rather large bag in tow with her. The bathroom was surprisingly empty. I was shoved down to the floor, and the barrel of the gun was cold against my forehead.

Hiriko opened the bag and the first thing she pulled from it was a roll of duct tape. A piece was pulled free and stuck over my lips, and then she worked on taping me to the wall, Anna holding me steady with the promise of a bullet. Once I was completely immobile, they went about taping plastic packs to my chest. And soon came the wires to connect everything, followed by a timer and an old cell phone.

And this was how I was going to die. Alone in a bathroom, taking several hundred others with me.

“Thanks for the ride,” Anna smirked, before taking Hiriko’s hand in a loving way and pulling her from the bathroom.

I did my beast to steady my erratic breathing. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel, other than guilty. Guilty that I had hurt L. The love of my life, I had damaged. And I was never going to get to fix it.

The guilt consumed me, making me leave all of time and space. It wasn’t until my name was called that I opened my eyes and met yellow ones. Ryuk. He stood there with a large, razor sharp smile. In his hand rested his own death note that he kept on a chain with him at all times.

This was it. I was dead. Ryuk had finally come to write my name.

“This was far more entertaining that I had every thought possible,” Ryuk sneered, sitting in front of me on the tile floor. “I thought I would be trapped here with nothing to do, but this has been fun. Especially getting to meet your fan.” My eyebrows rose in question at the word. Maybe he could distract me. Maybe I could forget that I couldn’t talk and that there were numbers that were signalling the rest of the time I had left on this planet. “They wanted nothing but for you, their hero, to live. But you didn’t take the help.”

Ryuk laughed before continuing. “And I’ll have even more fun with you once you become a shinigami. That’ll be very very interesting. Don’t you think Light.”

I sighed behind my duct tape. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of hearing me be afraid. I had never been more afraid in my entire life, but I wouldn’t show him. I was too proud.

The door to the bathroom opened and my eyes feel on Matsuda. “I found Light,” he said into his radio before racing forward and kneeling beside me. How had though found me? How had any of them found me? “He’s got six transmitters on him. This whole place is going to blow.” He reached out and pulled the tape from my lips, leaving a fire hot burn in the place of he gag.

“Where are you?” My father’s voice said through the static. “I’m on my way.”

“No,” I said shaking my head. “Get everyone out of here.”

“Everyone needs to leave,” Matsuda replied into the radio, his eyes meeting mine. It was odd. I could see something in his eyes. Like a look saying that he had accepted whatever was going to happen. He and I were going to die here.

“Bomb squad will be there in three minutes,” my father called.

Matsuda rolled his eyes and I glanced down to see the timer. Two minutes and twenty-eight seconds. He started to carefully pull at the tape. He was trying to get me out. Maybe if her could untape me from the wall, we could get out, but I didn’t think that was a very strong possibility.

“You got to get out of here,” I said, trying to push myself from the wall, but I couldn’t even budge. “You got ot make sure that everyone gets out.”

“I’m not going to leave you,” Matsuda said, his voice cracking slightly. Ryuk chuckled, watching intently. “Just give me a minute.”

“That’s about all you’ve got,” I muttered.

“Ok.” Matsuda took a deep breath. “Everything they did was for them.” He was talking about the two women. L must have dug up more information about them.

“Narcissists,” I mumbled.

“Romantics,” Matsuda corrected, his hand covering his mouth in thought. “They met in 2008.” He leaned forward and typed in the four digits on the keypad of the phone. The beeping seemed to echo through the bathroom. This could be our only shot. It was over.

There was a beeping and I glanced down seeing a flashing two tried left under the time of 1:26. I exhaled sharply. “What are you doing? Get out of here,” I ordered, at a lost of anything else that he could possibly do that would help.

“Ok. They met in Laos.” Matsuda leaned over and pressed another four digit code. But at another beeping I rolled my eyes. He still had a chance. “Ok. these are special to her. These are anniversaries. So, a four letter word. Love, life, soul..” Matsuda trailed off.

“Anna,” I whispered, the air gone from my lungs. “Her name is Anna.”

“Anna,” Matsuda repeated, leaning over to the phone. His eyes met mine again and he gave a small nod before inputting the numbers. I would have held my breath if there was anything to hold onto. There was a green flash and the timer came to a stop. There was a momentary calm over the room. But a beep brought everything back. “Shit!”

There was another timer now on the phone. 30 seconds. What a sick and twisted trick.

“OK. Everything has a reason.” Matsuda came closer to me, looking at the wires connected to the phone. “These are the colors of the Laos flag. Blue, white and red. The only color that’s different from Japan’s flag is blue.”

I had no idea where Matsuda had come up with this, but it was better than anything I could have come up with. At least it made sense. His fingers carefully took the blue wire and he pulled.

We both gave a loud sigh as the timer came to a stop on the number two. Matsuda fell to the floor and I finally felt like my heart could rest.

“How did you do that?” I asked, breathing hard.

“I didn’t overthink it,” was my answer.

I glanced over to where Ryuk had been sitting, but the dark figure had vanished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Will Find You- Cannad


	19. One Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’d seen it before, that caged ferocity held at bay by expectation, the untamed energy pinned beneath Light’s smile, restrained under his polite demeanor...the restless pain, the viciousness of passion...and I wanted all of it. Because to be devoured by that monster, to succumb to Light’s will...to show Light it was okay to be selfish, to chase after his own pleasure... to indulge the heat beneath Light’s skin, to lure out his unkempt desires, because our pleasure, our connection, it was one in the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about not posting last week. I was having writers bloc, but I hope this makes up for it. :) If you do not care for smut, You can skip this chapter. and again, it's my second time ever writing something like this, so.... hope you like it.

*L’s POV*

 

My hands trembled as I paced around the crowded airport terminal. I couldn’t stand to wait at home. I had to see him. I had to know he was ok. I didn’t care if he got mad because I was out in public.

I stopped when a voice said the word Rue. I looked towards the name and immediately paused in my pacing.

Him. It was him.

He was home. He was safe. Scraped and bruised, but safe.

I found my feet, but could only move so close to him. What if it wasn’t him? What if I had made it up? What if he really was dead? He couldn’t be here. I watched. I saw the building go up in flames. I watched, unable to save him. Unable to do anything.

It was my imagination. No one was here. I was alone and I would forever be alone. Loneliness would be what held me until I fell asleep at night now. Not Light. Not this man I loved. Not the man who had placed a ring on my finger. Not this man whose last words I spoke to him were rude and inconsiderate. It wasn’t him.

But I couldn’t look away. A magnet held me in place, facing him.

My breath hitched as Light moved forward, tortuously slow. And all that I could focus on in the sea of people passing were russet brown eyes.

They were as rich as the earth’s soil; stained with the colour of hot chocolate on a cold, winter night that wrapped around me like a blanket; engulfed me in its warmth. Those deep pools of dark-cinnamon swirls seized the depth and heaviness of one thousand untold stories, which imprisoned the sweetness of saccharin chocolate and the bitterness of strong coffee. They consisted of raw emotion and if observed closely, they would reveal the exact thought that crossed the marvels of his ominous mind.

And those lips. There wasn’t a breath through those lips that managed to quell the heat in my chest, the burn in my lungs. My ribs ached against the pounding of my my heart. Goosebumps covered my forearms and it felt like I could finally breathe.

That apologetic look that was facing me began to blur as the baggage was dropped to the floor and Light raced forward. He snatched me up in a hug, stealing my breath and the heat from my skin. His torso was firm against me and I could make out the beating of his heart.

His arms somehow drew me closer and I hid my face in his shirt, inhaling him. The tension from the last few days was slowly starting to melt away.

He pulled back slightly, his hands taking my face with callused fingers. The roughness was familiar and brought more weight and relief to me. He was real. He was here.

Light’s eyes wandered over my face, trying to swallow me while his hands ran through my hair as if I were some forgotten dream he was trying to hold onto.

And the kiss he placed to my lips was one that I had never felt before. It was needy and hungry, but somehow gentle and sweet.

I wanted to speak, but all I could manage to get out was a broken, “Don't go, not again.”

His lips painted a soft smile before he pulled me back in a hug.

And hell was a car ride with tension between us with only simple holding to satisfy. There were no words. Only touching. As much as we could get away with in the back of this car. Fleeting fingers trying to remember characteristics in our skin. Whispers of sorry for the fights, but no depth to the fight itself. This wasn’t the time. This wasn’t the place.

And heaven was a bed. A room where we could be alone. A room where we could remember each other.

Holding out my hand, I reached for Light in the only way I could, waiting on unsteady legs for the man who had infiltrated my every dream, my every thought, to make our way up the stairs. Barely a second passed before Light began to close the space between us, but it felt like eternity. Anxious, apprehensive, on edge, my heart barely beat hard enough to keep me steady as Light slipped a hand into my outstretched palm, lacing between jittery fingers, aiming to steady my shaking frame.

“I need you…” came in a hot breath from Light.

But it wasn’t sex...it was intimacy, it was closeness, it was Light. It was feeling every living cell in my body being rejuvenated by Light, fed by warmth. And I just wanted to make him stay, to trap him here. No, that was wrong...I was so fucked up, so turned around. I didn’t want to trap Light here against his will...I wanted him to stay because that was what he always wanted. I want Light to stay because being without him made it hard to breathe. I was laid down gently, Light unhinged the button of my jeans, placing a kiss on the skin of my hips, working on the zippers holding us back.

Finally, I was freed from every encasing, removed from myself as Light leaned in, hands weighing into the mattress on either side of me. Words weren’t simple to come by, the truth was so incredibly heavy falling from my tongue, but the space, the distance between us, I wanted it gone, ripped away and discarded forever.

“Light…” Fierce, feral, raw red looks down at me, flexing around deep, dark black. They fill my face and chest with a hot blush. “...make love to me?” 

Dark pink lips curve into a smile, words falling seamlessly from them. “I always do.”

Light splayed across the ceiling, warm and bright from the lamps on the bedside table, drawing shadows in the corners. And my heart was stalled with pounding in a dizzying rhythm against my ribcage, the anxious energy daring to carve out a place in my gut, wrap numbing fingers around my organs, stretch an itching heat in my diaphragm, lace into every cavity, every cell until there was nothing left.

Vulnerable, bare and exposed, time and distance existed only in the back of our minds. The world fell away to the red-eyed gaze tucked behind stray brown hairs, the room paused beneath the pressure of a kiss, and... My desire to be wiped away by the weight of Light’s body, to be melted by the force of Light’s energy, to be someone’s everything...it swelled beneath my skin, left from his lungs in a deep sigh.

The momentum didn’t dwindle, the intensity didn’t wane, because between blushing faces, flushed chests, and begging, bitten lips, one thought remained. One thought that moved without logic, without rationality or reason, it drove groan from me as Light roughly tugged me closer to his body, leaving me ruffled against the pillows to reach for the drawer.

One thought...it hadn’t subsided, hadn't left us for a second, hadn't moved from our buzzing skin, our heaving chests...just closed the distance, erased the space, crushed our failures, our mistakes, our time apart beneath a weighted touch, a gentle brush of fingers over a pale thigh, a purposeful hand hooking the back of my knee and pressing it to my chest.

Quick, deliberate, Light’s every move was marked by a clenched jaw, a bitten lip, a forced breath, tearing at a condom with his teeth, rolling it over his cock with a sigh, popping the cap of the lube with a struggle. And I could beg, could let the filth fall from my tongue, but I defaulted to Light's tempo, his rhythm, because the younger man falls into me, pressing my leg tighter against my chest, smothering the groan from me with a kiss. And it was just so much easier to let him take the lead. To let him have his way. To let Light have the best of me.

I was lost between patience and pleading, racing toward the height of pleasure with the slick pressure of Light, the weight of his body, the nuzzling of his face into the crook of my neck.

Lost in the details of every movement, every pause, every breath... because the energy took form in the sweat shining on heated skin, moved like air, cool against his neck, as Light held himself over me. 

Light’s chest was heaving, a tilted smile on his face, an undying patience in the strands of brown and flecks of red that came alive around deep black pupils, tracing every bare piece of my body, landing with fever to meet my gaze, because every bit of Light poured with heat and passion, aching and itching and swelling toward the thing we both needed most...connection, comfort, consummation that everything has been leading up to this.

There was no verbal warning that slipped from Lights's lips, only the tactful movements, the way the younger man had wrapped our bodies, entwined our limbs, pressed our chests together, and pushed in just enough to catch the breath in my throat. Teasing, tantalizing, Light drew himself all the way out, pressing in again and again. Restraint fell a little with each thrust.

Because the teasing, the agonizing swipe of Light’s tongue against my neck, the unhurried touches, it all made this so much more satisfying, made the heavy weight of Light’s hands pressed into the mattress all the more dizzying, made the curve in Light’s spine, the tilt of his head, the soft lids falling over his eyes, the lip bitten white between his teeth as he buried himself completely...

It made every quake of pleasure beneath my skin so clear, made the collapsing space between us so sharp, made the heat of our bodies overwhelming and staggering and absolutely perfect. And now there was no more difference between reality and daydreams, there was no more difference between my desire and what Light gave me as his dark eyelashes parted to the fire of his gaze of lust.

The chill of the air outside the darkened windows, the hot blush of my face, none of that mattered as a sigh moved from Light’s chest, as something snapped behind his stare.

With no reluctance, no hesitancy I pulled him closer until I could make out a dull pain, a sharp pleasure, until I couldn’t tell the difference between the two, until I could only feel the movement of his hips.

I’d seen it before, that caged ferocity held at bay by expectation, the untamed energy pinned beneath Light’s smile, restrained under his polite demeanor...the restless pain, the viciousness of passion...and I wanted all of it. Because to be devoured by that monster, to succumb to Light’s will...to show Light it was okay to be selfish, to chase after his own pleasure... to indulge the heat beneath Light’s skin, to lure out his unkempt desires, because our pleasure, our connection, it was one in the same.

I was easily drowned in the heat of Light’s kiss, the sweetness of his tongue, the warmth of his breath, the heavy growl in his chest. And I let that undying heat overcome me, and there was the hot blush radiating through my face, my chest. All I could feel was the sweltering warmth of Light’s touch, the blaze in the connection of skin, the scorching of his tongue trailing against my neck, the scraping and biting of teeth against my collarbone, my shoulders, my chest, anywhere Light can find purchase. And every fucking bit of me burned with a fever that I never wanted to come down from. So I dug my fingernails into Light’s shoulders, I let my head feel dizzy with heat, foggy with delirium as I engraved lines into the curve of Light’s back, etched my own marks into his skin.

My lips parted in a gasp, my body tightening around him, my being swept away by heat, throbbing and shaking out of control. But those eyes...they fluttered behind long, dark lashes, sifting through every detail in a split second, drawing lines over my face, my exhausted body, brown and red moving, alive...etching life into my skin, letting it seep into my bloodstream, ache through my veins, crash through my heart.

And there was no way of knowing where the sensation began, only that it embraced me like the sun, the warmth of the rays blushing my pale skin, breaths surging their way to the surface. To be wanted, to be cared for, loved, happy...

Inexhaustible, the energy shone from heavy-lidded red, beamed through a bitten lip, emanated through every connection of skin, the light that breathed life back into me.

And we were stuck… cemented and seeping deep within the cracks of foundation, filling the framework, steadying our bones. Stuck, held and glued together with precise hands, devoted fingers. Two lives fixed to one another... embedded in one another’s arms, sheltered in care and comfort and warmth. Stuck, affirmed in the bliss that held my chest as Light placed a kiss on my forehead.

All I’ve ever known was slowly being filled up with thoughts of an inexhaustible energy, an untapped happiness, a future at the end of this smiling, russet gaze, a lifetime wrapped up in the warmth of Light. A forever embraced by a kiss with the heat of the summer sun, an existence marked with a new beginning as silver was now home on my finger.

Outside was bitten white with the solemn beauty of quiet snowfall. Ice licked the glass of the windows, but I was warm, would forever be warm in Light’s ever present gaze. The quiet was captivating, the heavy pounding in our chests, the sway of our bodies as we breathed into each other’s skin, the only thing pulling us back to reality were the words that fell from Light's mouth. “I love you, Lawliet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One Day- Hans Zimmer


	20. Delete Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OPEN ME

***Light’s POV***

 

Fingers traced my injuries gingerly, our bodies huddled close for warmth in the cool winter morning. Bodies ached and bruised from fears and pleasures. Kisses traded in heated rushes.

We had never managed to find sleep, but I didn’t mind. The relief of being here with L was enough to have me rested. The feelings pooled in his dark eyes were enough to keep me going for the rest of my life.

And the night had consisted of passion, apologies and explanations of the explosive days before, of more about Anna and her crew, the condition of the other task force members, about my family, making sure I was ok, and about Ryuk and the death note.

Anna had met her lover, Hiriko, in 2008 in Laos. Anna was a hired assassin and then began bank robbing for a high. Hiriko attended all of the bank robberies as a hostage as well. It was a Bonnie and Clyde story. The police had the plane they were on brought back to the airport and there was a shootout on the plane, killing both of them. No one else was injured, thankfully.

Matsuda was praised for having done something right, but I had never seen him as a bad cop. He was just over excited and wanted to help more than he could. So his answer was no surprise to me. He didn’t overthink anything, like he always did. He just did what he thought was right and was willing to risk his life to get it done, saving me in the process.  

And Aizawa was able to get everyone else out of the building before the explosives went off. And though he gave doctors a scare, he was alive and slowly healing. And Watari said that no one knew that L had helped with the case in anyway, shape, or form.

I had left Japan sooner than I had planned, but my family, though sad, seemed to understand my want to go back. Though while still in Japan, my mother wouldn’t let me out of her sight and blamed herself for me being stuck in the robbery. She also thought that I would need massive amounts of therapy, and though this wasn’t the worst thing that had ever happened to me, I was already going. I might as well make my mother not feel like she was a horrible person for unknowingly asking me to do a chore.

My father was happy I was safe, but didn’t put much more emotion into that. I knew he was relieved though.

As for my sister... When I wasn’t wrapped in my mom’s arms, Sayu wouldn’t leave me alone. She cried most of the first night I was back and fell asleep in my bed. And the next two nights that I was there, she did the same. Stayed with me in my room, talking deep into the night until she fell asleep in my bed. I didn’t mind. I just slept on the floor. It was nice to know I was cared for.

Ryuk and the death note hadn’t been seen since. L had had Watari search all the wreckage and evidence for the death note that I had been offered, but it had disappeared into thin air. Either a shinigami had grabbed it for the owner, or someone else had walked off with it.

And Ryuk had said that a fan had given the death note to me to help. That meant that someone knew who I was. Someone knew I was Kira. And that someone could use that against me. At least now we had a way to make contact if desperate.

But for some reason, I only cared about what was here in front of me, right now. Fingers still traced my healing scratches and my new cuts and bruises. Burns lined both of my wrists red from the duct tape and I still had a slight ringing in my ears if there was ever a loud sound, due to the damage done by the explosives.

“I’m sorry,” came from my lips again. Dark painted eyes returned to my face worriedly.

“You keep saying that,” L muttered softly, his fingers now tracing a cut on my cheek. “You don’t need to.”

My arms pulled his bare body closer to mine so I could kiss him once more. “I shouldn’t have said what I said.” I brushed his black hair from his face, but it didn’t help much. The long black hair fell back into his eyes, causing me to smile. “You should cut your hair.” L gave me a shrug.

“Are we just going to ignore what happened?” L questioned. Why was he trying to ruin this morning already? I didn’t want to deal with this at the moment.

“Why are you insisting on working right now? Can’t we just...” I inhaled deeply and sighed. “I don’t want to think about cases yet. I just want to stay here with you.”

“Light, until we find the new Kira, your life is in danger. Every moment we waste is another moment that your name can be written in that death note. I won’t have that happen. We’ve been through too much shit as it is.”

It was unlike L to swear. Light had noted that L found it showed poor vocabulary. But L had changed so much since we had moved here. And who could blame him? And it wasn’t like he was wrong. The last few days had been full of so much shit. And I didn’t want to dive back into the shit.

But now I had a job to do. I had to go to work every day while L worked on cases. But... Maybe he could join me. It wouldn’t be hard to bring him in as a PI or consultant. Maybe I could talk to Adam about letting L see crime sights of difficult cases. L deserved to be let out more.

“Alright.” I exhaled sharply. "I'm going to grab a shower. Would you like to join me?"

L's eyes danced around the room for a moment before he gave a nod and we left for the bathroom. L was in and out quickly, leaving me to the warm water. The feel of the heat was relaxing, but eventually the water began to run cold and I left the bathroom.

I entered the bedroom and grabbed some clothes to wear, looking over L. He sat on the end of the bed in his odd position that I still didn't understand. He had a thumb to his lips, and was staring intently at his computer. I finished dressing and went to sit beside him.

"What is it?" I questioned, moving closer to him to see what he was looking at. His email sat open with only a single unopened email. The email address was a bunch of letters and numbers that didn't make any sense. And the letterhead simply said: OPEN ME, in all capital letters. "It's just junk mail, isn't it? Block it."  

"I don't get junk mail. I have programs that remove all spam, junk, and sketchy emails. This one couldn't come to my inbox unless it was forced through," L explained to me, his eyes not leaving the screen. "Someone had to know this email address, had to know what programs I have, and had to hack through my programs, that I designed, to send me this email."

"Are you going to open it?"

"I have all of my anti-virus programs running, and they don't see anything, but I don't trust it. It could destroy my whole system. And I am connected to the task force headquarters at all time. If something happens to this laptop, then that whole system could go down."

"Then, can you use a different computer? I have a laptop."

"That also has cases on it," L reminded, moving the mouse to hover over the email. I looked over the address again, but there was nothing I could make of it. It was just random. I watched as L clicked the box beside the email and blocked it. There. It was over. But a tenseness filled the room again with held breathes at a ding. And there, in the inbox was the same email.

OPEN ME

It was taunting and made me want to open it myself. There was something in this email that someone wanted L to see. There was something that someone was trying to say. And I wanted to know what they were trying to say.

Again, L blocked the email, and immediately it returned.

OPEN ME

And what else was there to do? L took a deep breath and glanced at me before he clicked open the email. In the email was a link. That was it. Just a single link to who knew what. I could see L’s fingers hesitate, but he eventually clicked on the link.

A video opened up in another tab, the webpage again just random letters and numbers. There was no specific site. The video was black and there was a bit of music that picked up. The tone of the sounds set me on edge until there was a guitar and lyrics.

“Write them down,” L instructed. I raced to his desk and snatched up some random paper and a pen, scribbling down the words. L had several programs up over the dark video and was typing away, most likely trying to figure out where the video had come from.

_I can see it in your eyes_

_And I can't figure out why I'm the one that you despise_

_Wondering what we've become_

_Can't help but think that this is a facade_

_Let's rewrite a script_

_Where you and I can be alone_

But at the sound of his typing coming to a stop, I glanced up from my writing. The video was no longer black. There was a red filter over the picture of a woman. She was tied to a chair with barbed wire, and was blindfolded and her arms were bruised and swollen. They looked like they had dislocated or possibly broken.

“Keep writing,” L ordered, his typing now continuing. “If this is real, we have a time limit and we need to reach her.”

_Could you delete me? Would it be easy?_

_Will you put me in my grave?_

_Will you erase me? Or could you face me?_

_Will I haunt your every save?_

_I tried to make you happy and I tried to make you mine_

_Would you delete me? Would it be easy?_

_Or can you decode, decode every line?_

I glanced back up from my writing. Through the red filter, I could make out tears streaming down her cheeks before she started yelling... screaming for help. For someone. For the pain to stop. And the screaming made it almost impossible to hear any more of the song.

And at the bottom of the screen several numbers popped up and began to dance with the static that was beginning to come over the video. It was difficult to make it out, but as I continued scribbling, I could see L typing out the numbers.  

35° 59' 25.01" N,

139° 04' 35.00" E

Latitude and longitude. It was a location.

_Are we here just by mistake?_

_'Cause I can't help but feel that you and I have been misplaced_

That didn’t help. My eyes wandered over the location that was pulled up. It was just the coordinates of a city in Japan. Nothing specific. If that woman really was there, then there was no way we could find her. And there was no way to know if the video was even a live feed.

_I know they changed my mind_

_And where I'm from_

_And who I am inside_

There was a growl beside me from L, who was still typing away, his programs moving across the computer screen faster than I had ever seen them. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he was frustrated. He couldn’t find anything. That was the same expression he wore whenever he knew that I had just killed someone, but he couldn’t prove it.

_Do you believe in God?_

_Or will you write the script and become one?_

The screams were making my stomach squirm. I wasn’t sure if L had dealt with something like this before, but if he had, I wasn’t sure how he was able to keep it all together. It was odd how weak my stomach had gotten since I stopped using the death note. Seeing dead bodies didn’t bother me, but the torture that lead up to it, that I liked to add for fun, made me sick.

It looked as though L had contacted dispatch in some way. Maybe he had messaged Watari and had him call it in, because now there was a gps up on his screen. Or maybe he was possibly tracking the video.

_Would you be missed if they found your body, left for dead?_

_Won't you just get out of my head?_

_Welcome to my own world where it's just us now_

_We're only pieces in this wretched game_

 

The tint of the video had changed. Now it was a slight blue, but gave way for us to see more of what was in the background. There was graffiti on the walls of whatever building this woman was in. And she was in just her bra and underwear, blood dripping from wherever the barbed wire had come in contact with.

_I'm in your head now, we're left for dead now_

_You can't reset and fix your life_

_Now you'll be living with your decisions_

_It's who we are inside_

“I can't find it,” L grumbled, one of his hands going to his damp hair and taking a fustful.  “I can't trace anything. The cops have no idea what they're looking for.”

I looked back over the video. On the ground one could make out the light of a window, but it was blocked off in an odd angle by something.

“She could be near a tall building. And if it's 8:30 here, it's 5:30 there. The sun is setting. She's facing West. Thay has to narrow it down, right? Even just a little bit. And there's gang symbols on the walls.” I felt like I wasn't helping in the slightest, but maybe it would be just enough. “That symbol is the Yamaguchi-gumi.”

**  
  
**

_I tried to make them disappear, it appears I did just fine_

_Would you delete me? Would it be easy?_

_Or can you decode, decode every line?_

L went back to typing and I returned to writing, my hands trembling with adrenaline.

**  
**

_I can't delete you, you know I'd miss you_

_I can't put you in your grave_

_So just erase me, go on and waste me_

_I'll disappear from every save_

_If this is all a game, well then I know it isn't mine_

_So just delete me, let's make it easy_   
_Perhaps I'll find you in another life_

The song came to an end and i could only watch as the video became filled with more static. There was a very loud scream and the video glitched before returning to the scene.

Slowly rocking back and forth in an invisible wind was the hanged body of the young woman, barbed wire tightly strung around her neck, a necklace of thorns and crimson.

My breath caught in my lungs. We had been too late already. This video had been filmed earlier. My the look of her purple hands, she hadn't been dead too horribly long.

L’s face was one that I had never seen before. It was utterly and completely blank, as if the life had been drained from it as well.

He took a deep breath and lowered his head onto his knees, his hands taking his hair.

“Find out the name of that song,” he ordered in a broken voice.

There was a beep and L slowly raised his head. I looked back to the computer screen that had turned an inky black. In white lettering appeared the words, I Am Kira, before the screen returned to its former black.

L reached out towards the keyboard, but his hand stopped as the screen turned a bright blue and more white text appeared in the corner.

Delete Me

And it came again.

Delete me

And faster and faster.

“No,” L said, snatching the laptop up. “No, no, no!” He began hitting different buttons, but nothing made the recurring word disappear. “Light, call Watari.”

I moved to the night stand and snatched up my phone. I called the number and put it lb speaker.

“Hello?” came Watari’s curious voice.

“Dump all the files!” L ordered in a rushed tone, while he continued to press buttons to no avail. “I have them all backed up, dump them all!”

“Of course.” There was a moment's pause. “I can't access anything. It just says delete me.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” L hissed.

The party had been the only other time I had felt this incredibly useless before. There wasn't anything I could do to help.

“You have to hit the switch, Watari. Shut down and wipe the whole system.”

There was another second pause before L’s computer screen fell completely black and still before turning on and beginning the set up the way any new computer would. L sighed deeply and lowered his head onto his knees again.

“Watari, can you keep an eye out on the police in Chichibu. There might possibly be a body that they find. Young woman, late twenties. Wearing matching set of under clothing. Blonde hair. She will be hanged in an abandoned building with graffiti on the walls.”

“I will let you know if we find her.”

“Kira is claiming the death. Please add it to the profile that the task force is building.” Before Watari could say anything, L took the phone from me and hung up. He tossed my phone back at me and and I watched as his nails dug into his legs before he returned his hands to his computer. “Let’s see the damage,” he grumbled, filling out all the information on the laptop. “In my desk is a flash drive with my last backup. Please get it for me.”

I would do anything to help at the moment. Anything to make him feel like he hadn’t just failed. Anything to ease the terrible burden of worry. Anything at all. I got to my feet and went to his desk  to find the zip drive. The room was tight. The air was so brittle, it could snap. And yet it was somehow dripping for so much anxiety that neither of us needed right now.

I passed him the small stick that he wanted and he immediately entered it into his computer. I opened my mouth to speak, but he held up his hand to silence me. “If you want to help, find me that song. Otherwise, please don’t speak. I need to do something that is going to require my utmost attention.”

I just gave a slight nod and went to the desk where my laptop was. I didn’t use it much. Only for homework and now for holding information on cases, but most of it I kept in my head. I didn’t have thousands of cases that I had worked. I didn’t need records of them at the moment.

I searched the lyrics and found a song from a youtuber named Natewantstobattle, that sang a lot anime covers. I gave L the information and in a matter of moments, he had a list of all of the youtuber’s subscribers.

“Research them,” he ordered. “I’m emailing you the list. This is our best bet. If they were stupid enough to use a song from someone they follow, then maybe we can catch them.”

“Sure,” I replied, biting my lip. I felt so out of place right now. I could tell that he didn’t want me around, that he was only giving me this work so that I wasn’t left out. He could have done this work much faster than me. “L?”

“What?” his voice was tight and annoyed.

“Nevermind. It’s nothing. Sorry.” I lowered my head and turned back to my laptop to open the email he had sent me.

There was a loud exhale and the room’s straightjacket feeling loosened slightly. “I’m sorry. What is it?”

“You said you couldn’t find it. Was it the girl or the email?”

There was a silence between us for a moment. “The email,” was finally my answer. “I don’t want you to think badly of me, but there was less than a 0.6% chance that she was still alive. I put the police on her location, but that was the best that I could do. I had to trace the video and the email. There was no point in trying to worry over something that was so small of a matter.”

“A life is no sm-”

“Is no small matter,” L interrupted me, causing me to turn in the desk chair to face him. His eyes wandered over my face calculatingly. His thumb had gone to his lips in concentration and I felt like I was under the lens of a microscope. “You’ve really changed,” he muttered in such a small whisper, I almost didn’t catch it. But as quickly as it had left his lips, he had returned to his work. “Please find me all of the of people who have ever once lived in Japan or close to it. The location on the video was in Japan, that is our best bet. Also, can you please find me a list of missing people that have been reported on the Honshu island?”

I nodded and turned back to my computer, unsure of how to take his previous statement. Was my changing good? I couldn’t tell from his tone. I wanted to take it as good, but I honestly wasn’t sure. That had been the whole point of us moving out here, right? It was so that I could change.

The next little while was silent as I did the jobs that he had asked of me. I passed him the two lists that I had printed off, and he caught my hand. He pulled me down and placed a kiss to my lips.

“I’m sorry I was so harsh,” L muttered, giving my hand a squeeze. “Please forgive me. Thank you for doing this for me.”

“Of course.” I took a seat beside him on the edge of the bed again. “Did you find anything?”

“Whoever it was is clever. I can not trace anything. I couldn’t trace the email, the video, or the virus.”

“Do you at least know what the virus did?” I questioned, looking over his computer. He had several programs up, but I didn’t recognize an of them. They must have been his own. I knew he liked to dabbled in computer programing and had made our chat program, but I had no idea that he had his own anti virus programs and his own search engines.

“It was in the middle of making a copy of my system. I am positive that this person wasn’t able to get my whole system though. And there is a slight probability that my files may be corrupted on their end. I think it just depends on how good of a system they had. Other than that, I’m not sure what else to do. The most I can do is send the information to Watari and monitor the email address to see if I can get a hit on it.”

L gave another sad sigh. “Delete me.....” he whispered. “Is that a call for help? Or is it a taunt?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Delete Me- Nathan Sharp


	21. Killing Me Softly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is he alright?” Adam asked from beside me. “Barely said a word when he got here, ignored everyone and he looks....” Adam’s shoulders shifted uncomfortably and I could see his face settle into one of genuine concern.
> 
> “I don’t know,” I got out, which was sadly the truth. “He’s been getting bad migraines.” I kept my voice low, unsure of why I didn’t want Light to somehow overhear me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the later updates. I might have to make them an every two week update. I got a new job and have to get a new car, so I've been working a bunch and been so tired I go right to bed. So until I get back into a rhythm, the updates will be slower, but I will do my best to keep them consistent. Love you all!

*L's POV*

 

The next few days went by un-seemingly. They were all just one big day, a blur to me. Light came and gone for work or therapy. Even went out drinking. I remembered hearing something about it in the background while I continued working. I wasn’t sure if he ever actually left or not.

I was far too focused on this case. On my own case. Where the hell was I supposed to find this person? There was no trace. Nothing. Nowhere. I wasn’t sure how that was possible when once something goes online, it is there forever. But in this case, it just wasn’t. And it was driving me crazy.

I jumped as my laptop was slammed down in front of me. I looked up to see a disappointed looking Light.

“Can you please pay attention to me?” he asked in a hurt voice. I was taken aback by the words. I didn’t know that I had been that absent. I had tried to answer him when he spoke to me, but maybe it had all been in my head. “I’ve been trying to explain something to you. Please listen.”

“Of course.” My voice was rusty with disuse. How long had I been sitting here? I had only stopped when Light had made me and only ate when he placed something beside me. I just really wanted to find this Kira.

“I got a call. I need to go to a crime scene. Would you like to come?” Light stood in his uniform, his arms folded over his chest. My face slid into a look of dislike, and Light rolled his eyes exaggeratedly. “You have been sitting here for over a week, you are going outside.”

“A week?” I asked in disbelief. There was no way.

“And I talked to our chief and he said that you can come. Let’s go. We have quite a drive and I need to be there soon.”

“Why me?” I questioned, staggering to my feet as Light pulled me off of the bed.

“You need to get out. I bragged about you. You’re a PI. You’re coming with me.” Light began pushing me towards the door. “It’s been snowing, you need to wear something warm.”

“You have to let me get dressed then,” I said, trying to turn back to our bedroom.

Light paused and I turned around to see him with his hand to his head. I reached out and took his face in my hands, giving him a concerned look. His eyes were a bit glassy, but he gave me a smile. “Don’t worry,” he said dismissively. It’s just a migraine. I’ll take some medicine before we head out.”

“I thought you had stopped getting them,” I muttered, my eyes wandering over his face.

“I always seem to get them after my therapy sessions. I think it’s just the sharing. I’m still not used to it. I don’t think it’s anything to worry over,” Light pushed, taking my wrists to lower my hands from his cheeks. “Hurry and get ready, love.” He placed a deep kiss to my forehead before heading for the stairs.

Now that he pointed it out, the migraines were almost always related to his therapy sessions. But that wasn’t unusual. There were many cases of patients suffering from intense migraines after talk sessions. They were more present in EMDR sessions, but I wasn’t sure which Light’s therapist was practicing. It didn’t really matter anyways. But I was still worried over him.

***

I had stayed back by the edge of the police tape while Light was near the new body that they had found. Blue flashed around us from the multiple police cars, drowned out by the weak winter light, and there was chatter from radios as different people had passed. I felt like there was someone staring at me, even though they were more focused on their work than on me.

The only one who had stayed by me was Adam. And he wasn’t as bad as Light had made him out to be. He was a bit talkative, but I could ignore him easily enough. And this had to be just the tip of the iceberg with Adam.

And the coldness of the air was cutting. There wasn’t much snow falling closer to the city, but the bitter chill drilled down to the bone. Our breath hung deadly in the air and everyone’s noses were red. I huddled closely to myself to save as much body warmth as I could, my fingers frozen in my jacket pockets.

I frowned, trying not to worry as I watched Light examine the corpse, every movement too controlled and inadequately flamboyant. He seemed diminished, and the subtle wrongness was off putting. He was going through the motions, like the hands of a clock, but it was all just wrong.

“Is he alright?” Adam asked from beside me. “Barely said a word when he got here, ignored everyone and he looks....” Adam’s shoulders shifted uncomfortably and I could see his face settle into one of genuine concern.

“I don’t know,” I got out, which was sadly the truth. “He’s been getting bad migraines.” I kept my voice low, unsure of why I didn’t want Light to somehow overhear me.

“He seems...” Adam trailed off, his lips pursed. “It’s just that he... Looked like this, you know, before?” 

“Before?” I asked, feeling as if the conversation had turned down some strange tangent. “Before what?”

“Before he cleaned up,” Adam replied, quick and quiet. “He didn’t explain it well, but we all knew he was on something. You can spot the signs of withdrawals a mile away. Whatever he was on, it was some hard stuff. He used to turn up at crime scenes and be all –” He gestured weakly at where Light was still crouched, looking thoughtfully at the victim's face. “Not right. I swear, he was the most high-functioning addict I'd ever seen. You had to look close to realise what was wrong at first, but it was like this – like someone trying too hard not to be drunk, you know?”

“Too self-aware,” I nodded, sickness twisting in my gut. “But he’s not using. I know what to look for and I’m his roommate. There is no way he could have gotten anything past me. This is something different.

Adam snorted with self-derision. “He’s clever. More than clever. He's good at hiding it.”

“I know,” I mumbled, straightening up a bit as a cold wind blew. “I still don’t think that he’s using. I just wish I knew what this was.”

Over by the body, Light straightened up, and I saw him sway. It was faint, quickly hidden by tight muscles, but it was enough to make my stomach go cold. With half an ear, I listened to someone call orders to the police, instructing them to take control of the scene. They were parked up at an old industrial estate, and I watched the police officers spread out, looking for clues across the vast sprawl of land.

Soon Adam was called to go over to the body as Light came back to the car, apparently concentrating on where he was putting his feet. This close, I could see a faint gleam of sweat at Light's hairline, despite the chill of the day. His eyes were pinched at the corners, and his pale skin had taken on an unhealthy tinge. When he spoke his voice was softer than usual, not decisive, but something pointed: a straight answer.

“Carbon monoxide poisoning. Landlord panicked, made it look like a rape gone wrong. Sexual abuse conducted with an object, I imagine. Do what you want with that,” Light said to the chief who had come to stand beside me as well, though he was more focused on Light than me.

“Aren’t you going to tell me how it happened?” the chief questioned. I wasn’t sure how Light normally acted at crime scene, but this was so out of character that it sent a chill up my spine. “I can’t just arrest him because you say so.”

Light blinked, but it was too slow. I stepped a tad closer, trying to check his pupils without him noticing me. Not that it worked. Light just gave me a disapproving look before he answered.

“Carbon monoxide poisoning is obvious. She's pink. Add that to the fact that there are no signs of a struggle suggests that she was moved here, and abused, post-mortem. She lived in the low rent flats over there.” He gestured to one of the tower blocks dominating the skyline. “Ex council properties now privately owned and rented out cheap. Who would want to hide carbon monoxide poisoning? A landlord that was shit at maintenance.”

The chef nodded and walked away, giving ordered to other people who were standing around. Adam had wandered back over now. Light had said that Adam was like a puppy that followed him around, and that’s exactly how Adam looked.

I frowned as I noticed a gentle, steady tremor running through the younger man's frame. It was subtle, not the ravages of a fever, but something else. Adam folded his arms over his chest, his voice dropping to a quiet whisper as he spoke.

“What’s wrong with you?”

A tight sound came from Light’s throat and a two of his fingers went to his right temple. “Why must you talk to loud?” Light asked, his eyes clenched shut as both of his hands went to his face as if to block it from the sound of Adam’s voice.

“Leave it,” I ordered firmly, taking one of Light’s wrists and pulling him to look at me. “You need to tell me what’s wrong so that I can help.”

This time the sway was more obvious, and Light's weight pressed against me, leaning forward like he knew I could hold him up if necessary. The fan of his lashes did not part, but after a few moments his lips moved, framing whispered words that I had to cock my head to hear.

“My head is failing.”

He opened his eyes then, veins making road-maps across the whites, but it was his pupils that caught my attention. The right one looked normal for the amount of light around, but the left was significantly larger, and when I carefully shielded Light's eye with his hand, the dilation was far too sluggish.

“Have you hit your head?” I demanded, guilt turning my stomach. I should have been more present the last week. I had slipped back into my old ways, and I couldn't’ do that anymore. Not with Light. “Should I call an ambulance?”

“No!” Light said so loudly that he flinched at the sound of his own voice, rocking back and forth on his feet as if the noise had been something physical.

“I think that-”

“Please stop,” Light muttered, interrupting Adam, one hand curling in the collar of my jacket as if he was trying to anchor himself. “Please make him leave.”

“Me?” Adam questioned, shock in his voice. “Ok. Let me know how you’re doing later. Hope you feel better, man.” Adam gave a sigh and moved off towards a police cruiser.

I reached up a hand, wiping some sweat from Light's brow only to recoil as he whimpered in distress. I needed to get him back home. Somewhere out of the cold, somewhere that was dark and where I could give him the medical attention that he needed.

I lead him back to the car, fighting against myself. A large part of me wanted to forget going home. I wanted to take him to a hospital, somewhere where there were scans, painkiller and emergency equipment. Seeing Light like this made my thoughts jump to causes for the pain, like brain injury, aneurysm, or stroke. Was there something in his skull, some flaw killing him in front of me?

“Don't go,” Light said softly, his hand reaching out to clasp mine once more until he climbed into the car. I let him lean, loose-limbed and drained against me while I propped myself uncomfortably against the closed door. A rough growl erupted from the engine, making Light jerk, and his spare hand flew to his ears as he murmured, “Tastes like petrol.”

“Don't worry,” I whispered, swallowing as he turned his face into the dark, hollow curve of my neck. “I'm here. We'll fix this.”

By the way that Light pressed himself closer to me when the car started off, the engine must not have been a purr, but a roar.

“Did you take something?” I asked in as soft a voice as I could. “If you did, you need to tell me.” My lips were close enough to brush Light’s ear, but my voice was tense and so full of concern, it couldn’t have been much of a comfort.

He did answer eventually, as if he had to take everything that I had said an put it together like a puzzle. “I took Paracetamol and Codeine, recommended dose.” It was a whisper that vibrated against my neck. “It’s not working.”

I relaxed slightly, relieved. At least he hadn’t overdosed on anything. My hand skimmed, in what I hoped was a soothing way, up and down his arm, as he somehow huddled closer to me. He fairly quickly fell asleep and I could only hope that the pain was absent while he slept.

I did my best to focus back on my two biggest cases, but my mind kept returning to Light. This was more than a migraine. This was more than what some over the counter anti-inflammatory drug could fix.

We arrived back home, and I gently shook Light awake, trying to shift his weight slightly so the ache in my back from leaning up against the car’s door would ease a bit. Light grumbled, staying in the same position he had been. The car came to a stop and I opened the door, carefully getting out, Light now holding himself up. I outstretched my hand to him, but he just looked at it angrily.

“Va te faire foutre,” he spat.

My eyes widened as I stared at him. I was more shocked at the language rather than the insult he gave me. “That was French. Can you speak French?”

“Un petit peu.” A little bit. That was my answer.

He never told me he knew French. But I was more interested in the fact that that was what he was speaking at the moment, even through I was speaking English. “And you can understand me?”

“Évidemment.” Obviously. It was a harsh reply.

My head was having difficulties wrapping around what was happening, but it was interesting nonetheless. What was happening in his brain that made it so he was speaking French? And somehow, I could speak English and he seemed to be able to translate it perfectly to French.

I took his hand and pulled him from the car, closing the door after him. He winced, a groan of misery in his throat. “Coup de feu,” he whined, hand tightly gripping mine. I had shut the door too hard. It was going to be difficult to get anything done if even the slightest sound caused him to recoil.

The whole ordeal of getting from the car to the flat was unpleasant. His muscles were working, but only in an approximation of their normal manner. It was as if he had forgotten how long his legs were, so each step either fell short or jarred him.

My arm was wrapped around his waist, helping him up the stairs with a steady patience that I was afraid would eventually run thin. When we reached the room, I eased him down on the bed, afraid I’d break him like spun glass. Light sat on the edge of the mattress, his elbows on his knees and his shaking fingers pressed to his temples.

I knelt down in front of him, my hands on his knees. “Is there anything that I can do to help? At all?”

“Rest,” he managed, weakly pulling the scarf from around his neck and tossing it to the floor. I helped him shrug from his coat. He tugged at his shirt and then the rest of his clothing. “Dark,” he breathed, lowering his head into his hands when he fully removed his most restricting garments.

“I won’t turn on the lights,” I assured him as I did my best to get him to lie down.

“Everything that touches me hurts.”

My hands paused momentarily at his voice. It had cracked and tears were glistening on his cheeks. I bit the inside of my cheek, unsure of what to do. I pulled up the sheet and carefully placed it over him, afraid that any more weight would seem too smothering. Light stifled a rough cry of pain, and grabbed another pillow, placing it over his eyes.

“I feel like I’m going to throw up,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by the pillow. I went over to the desk where a trash can was and returned to the bed, placing it within reaching distance for Light.

“Try to sleep. I’m going to see if I can find you any medicine,” I said as softly as I could. I didn’t receive a reply, but I was sure that his own voice would just make his head hurt more than it already was.

I left the room and leaned up against the wall, running a hand through my hair as I exhaled deeply. I had no idea what to do. I have never heard of anything like this. Even migraines did not result in symptoms this extreme. Characteristically, a migraine described an acute, recurrent head-ache accompanied by nausea, vomiting, visual disturbance and disorientation, although many other symptoms were also indicated. Sometimes they occurred in "storms" affecting a patient four or five times in a month before vanishing for years. The cause was not well-documented, and neither was the treatment.

Sensitivity to light and sound, fine. Nausea and sometimes fainting, fine, but to not be able to have anything touch you was different. And then in the car he had mentioned that it tasted like petrol. Could he actually taste that? And French? When the hell did he learn French?

Synaesthesia, allodynia, aphasia... They could have been possible answers, but to have all of them at the same time struck me as odd. Maybe a blood clot to the brain? No. He was far too young, even if people with migraines were considered at risk.

Minimising the amount of sensory input was probably the best way of helping him. If I kept the room dark and quiet, that would probably be for the best. And if he could rest, maybe this was just something Light could sleep off. The human body was prone to odd episodes of unexplainable phenomenons.

I pushed myself up off of the wall and made my way downstairs to the bathroom. I opened the doors under the sink and searched through items for medicine. He could take another dose of codeine right now, but I almost wished I had something that was stronger. Maybe the best thing I could offer was basic medical training and a comforting presence. I could always call a doctor if things became much worse.

Creeping back up the stairs and to the bedroom door, I eased the handle down, hearing the metal slide free of the catch before I nudged my way inside. The hinges stayed silent, and though the room was very dark, there was still enough light for me to make out Light's form on the bed, outlined by the drape of the sheet.

He was lying on his back, a pillow pressed over his brow and covering his eyes. In the frail illumination of the room, he looked monotone, bleached of colour and washed out. Even the usually pink flesh of his lips was pallid, parted as they were around every steady breath. Sleeping then. His body was too lax for anything else, his bare shoulders rolled back into the mattress and his fingers motionless at his side.

It was chilling in a way to see someone who had once been a god among men reduced to nothing more than a broken man. It just reminded me that we were all human and everyone had a breaking point.

With the greatest amount of care possible, I reached out and flicked on the bedside lamp, hoping that the additional glow would not disturb Light. The idea of allydonia as a symptom – a confusion of the pain response where even the slightest touch could register as agony, came back. If I could, I would do as much as I could by sight.

I knelt down beside the bed, watching the pulse throbbing in the hollow of Light’s jaw, counting off the beats. It did not take long to conclude Light's pulse rate was high, and venular distortion also suggested that his blood pressure was up. There were no obvious signs of shivers or sweats, and I cautiously reached out, hovering my palm over Light's exposed sternum. It was inaccurate as hell, but I was still comforted by the normal level of heat radiating away from Light's body.

I flicked off the bedside lamp and carefully walked around to my side of the bed and grabbed my laptop. I sat beside Light and turned my computer on, making sure the sound and the brightness were as low as possible. Hopefully with Light being asleep, the whirl of the fan wouldn’t bother him too much. I would give him the medicine when he woke.

 

For now, I needed to research.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Killing Me Softly- Joseph Vincent


	22. Braille

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I didn't quite get that," L muttered, the mattress beside me dipping and showing me where the floating voice was. "That wasn't any language I know. Please try again." The tone was a hopeful, confusion marigold.

*Light's POV*

Something was brushing on the edge of my awareness, a feather-light, timid kind of touch over the knuckles of my right hand. It was enough to peel back the dark shelter of sleep in steady increments, but it unfurled me to the hateful, stabbing edges of the world once more. A groan caught in my throat, wretched and miserable, and I could feel a golden, glowing pity at my side.

"Light, I need you to take some more medicine," L's voice was soft; his consonants sanded smooth like polished marble: careful and considerate. His vowels tender, curving lines of comfort.

There wasn't much of a choice as careful hands took my body in a supportive way and lifted me up from the mattress. The weight of my head felt like it was far heavier than what a neck could support and everywhere the sheet and mattress touched was scalding me raw. But maybe the mix of chemicals would help sew me into another long sleep.

L's movements were a symphony of Fantasia on a Theme, no more than a mere whispering. And his voice, though I couldn't make out what was said, held tones of a vermillion warmth to it. I did my best not to flinch as pain ricocheted up my right arm as L's ghostly gentle fingers took my hand to place the pills into it.

I wasn't sure how much was my movement and how much L had to coast my body to move, but with the chill of polar ice caps, I got the medicine down. Time was a blur, and there was pain as my body rested back on the mattress The medicine was a chaotic internal rush of sanguine smoke that filled up the empty spaces with haze. The pain did not go, but the drugs eased away the panicky, anxious alarm that filled me, letting me truly determine the damage of my mind.

The word mess would not describe my mind in the right way. I needed a stronger word, but those escaped me. All I could compare it to was some horribly abandoned place where the walls were tumbledown, overgrown as if centuries had passed with no human contact. The scatter of facts and knowledge with putrid tones of rot and maleficence in the form of books was stern across the cracked marble floor.

Eternity lay here, captured in the vault of my skull. I could see it all from beginning to end, alpha to omega, useless chatter and life and stars gone wrong in their waltz. It was madness, without order and purpose.

"It's alright. I'm here."

It was L's voice again. Was he speaking again, or was it the same conversation as before? Had seconds passed or years? I felt hazy at the edges and my body was fuzzy in a way that my skin had no right in being. There was still a pain in my head, a nauseating and throbbing ache, drums of war.

"I'm going to move the pillow so I can see your face. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Velvet. That was L now. A soft drape and shimmering surface, lush with concern.

"Light?"

I could feel his fingers moving the pillow to expose my face that had been shoved into it. I wasn't sure if the hiding had been on a subconscious level or not. The bedroom air was silky against my face, soothing in a way, but I was ready for the clawing of the light when I finally did open my eyes.

Yet, the merciless skewer of light didn't come. Only a few hazy patches of coloured illumination wavered, seemingly suspended in mid-air. They were innocent.

"Candles," L whispered, though I couldn't put the voice to his body. "They're supposed to be better for photosensitivity." There was a darkening over my left eye and then my right and I could only guess that L was checking my vitals. "Can you please try to say something?"

I didn't like his tone, it was sharp and rough, a scarlet emotion of pity and concern. I didn't want that. I wanted my gentle sunset back.

"My head hurts," I said, the sound of my voice rolling over itself like an ocean wave to be crashed up against the side of my skull. Why didn't I whisper.

"I didn't quite get that," L muttered, the mattress beside me dipping and showing me where the floating voice was. "That wasn't any language I know. Please try again." The tone was a hopeful, confusion marigold.

I took a deep breath, daggers moving down to my lungs, as I tried again. "My head hurts."

"I didn't expect anything less," L said, shifting slightly beside me. My hand slid down to meet with the denim fabric of L's jeans, rasping at my knuckles. "You were having a nightmare," he explained, his voice smooth chocolate. My eyes slid closed again, darkness greeting me kindly. "I don't know if you remember much, but you've been out for nine hours."

I gave a weak sigh through his nose, hoping it was enough to convey that I understood him. There was a small laugh beside me, a little too high, a little too afraid.

"Keep talking?" I asked, hoping that I was hitting something close to a language that L understood. "Please."

There was a sharp inhale, as if there was going to be a question before L realised that I didn't want the conversation, just his voice. I wanted the cozy warmth of the fire that came with his voice. That warmth of stepping into a cafe on a winter's night.

And I was wrapped in that velvet one more. That shimmering draping of verbs and nouns. He told me about cases, making them come to life in my mind with disturbing accuracy. Of his time in high school, where I could smell the teen angst in the air and could feel the cold chill of bullying eyes on me. Of the lake he would sit by on warm summer nights.

The breeze picked up, stirring the stern papers in my head, tossing the facts around, but it wasn't unpleasant. We sat together, watching the sun through glassless windows, pain swirling on the horizon, waiting.

The breeze turned frigid and my body moved of its own accord, becoming smaller to hold onto whatever warmth it did have. Darkness bound me, weighing heavy on my bones. It pressed between my lips like smoke, tainting every breath, choking me.

The marble was cold, raw and arctic beneath my bare feet. It clawed mercioulsy at my skin, frosting me over with thin layers of ice. Through the cracked and scarred roof lay a swirling oily black sky. I looked down at my bloodless skin, my shirtless body revealed to the cruelty of the elements, pulseless.

It should have alarmed me, and maybe it did, but my mind was too scattered to fully comprehend what I was feeling. But I could see my thoughts, reflective like a mirror and shattered like glass. They hovered in the air before me and cut me as I pushed passed them, shedding my skin as if I were paper.

The cold pulled on my bones harshly as I continued through scattered hallways, rooms with doors on their henges, though I wasn't sure where they lead. Probably past events long forgotten, and best left that way.

At last, beneath the endless stretch of the putrid sky ,I found one door still standing, one slice of warmth, closed. Something in all this wreckage survived, light and life in all of this apocalypse. I reached out, my fingers skeletal and thin, torn by the endless passage of razors.

And what greeted me was home. A single couch surrounded by case files in stacks that threatened to spill over and looked like something out of Alice in Wonderland. White, dull walls and deep hickory floors.

But a form at a large black piano is what held my attention. A living, breathing body with dark spindles of wirey hair. The paper on the piano turning as he was captured up in it's contents, his fingers obeying the composers wishes.

He turned sharply around and I stepped back into the thickening darkness in the doorway, fear striking through me. The light and warmth weren't meant for me. This was his place, not mine.

But before I could move, a hand was around my wrist, pulling me further into the room and away from the shrieking clouds of smoke. There was a smile over L's face as he pulled a blanket from the couch and draped it over my skeletal frame as if I were something valuable, as if I had worth written in braille over my skin.

"I missed you," he whispered, pulling me tightly against him. There was a kiss placed to my cheek and I could feel something stirring within me, beneath my ribs.

But when I opened my eyes again, i was shoved back into the darkness and I knew that the dream was done. My head throbbed hollowly as glacial sweat covered my skin. My entire body ached and felt swollen as my nerve endings tore through the numbing and back into the pain again.

The room lay thick around him, the dancing light of the candles no longer there, though I wasn't sure if it had been a dream or a reality.

There was a bitter cold with a taste of humidity around me and there was a brittle silence in the air. My muscles seemed to shake with hypothermic impulses. Was I in a bed of snow? I had to have been. Underneath me was rough and scratchy and frozen solid. But as my fingers grasped out, my surroundings moved around me like fresh powder.

And then there was a weight over me. An agonizingly heavy scarlet. And now it was like I was in a block of ice. It burned, but it was so cold I swear I could see my breath deadly before me in swirling porcelain. A cry left my mouth, dragging claw up my throat, my body contorting in a way I couldn't control.

And immediately the heaviness was removed, but the whispers left clung to me in the flavor of artificial cherry, leaving me to dig my nails into the fresh powdery snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Braille- Regina Spektor


	23. Ne Me Quitte Pas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I was stuck in a blizzard in a car for like 12 hours, so I just wrote because the roads were closed and it took us 6 hours just to get over the mountain pass. Haha. So... here is what sleeping pills and sitting in a car during a horrible winter storm will create. Hope it makes sense and that you enjoy.

*L’s POV*

 

Light hovered on the edge of consciousness most of the day, the medicine doing its job enough to take the edge off. But it didn’t seem like Light was improving. And Light slept, which was probably a blessing, as the evening came and went, leaving me worried and more tired than I had been in a very long time. The times that Light was awake were brief and full of little pained breaths and fragmented words, sometimes in French, or English, and something that sounded like it could have been Japanese with a mixture of German though I couldn't be sure as it was mostly muddled.

Asking him to repeat things had helped lead him to English, Japanese or a combination of the two that I could piece together to make sense of.

But now, just as I was debating about actually getting some work done, Light began to shiver. It started out as gentle little tremors rippling up his bare arms, but gradually the intensity increased, growing stronger as he curled up on his side, pressing closer to me as he sought out some warmth.

I did my best to cover him in a blanket, but that resulted in a hoarse cry of agony. Guilt shot through me and I ripped away the offending fabric, murmuring meaningless comfort as Light drew his knees up to his chest.

What was I supposed to do? He couldn't sit here shivering, but even just the sheets had been too much for him earlier. He had scratched at himself, leaving large red welts over his arms and chest from the itchiness of the sheets.

I placed a gentle hand to Light's forehead, but the medicine had kept the fever at bay.

Light rolled over, closer to me, but at the fabric of my jeans he recoiled with a hiss of pain. A frown came to my face as his weak fingers pulled at my shirt.

His eyes opened and in the darkness of the room and I could make out disappointment. “Cold,” he whispered, trying again to curl into me only to jerk back with the same resulting pain.

His hands retracted and pressed into his eyes before he wrapped them around himself and huddled into a tighter ball.

“What can I do?” I asked softly as I watched every flinch over Light’s features.

“Wait for it to go?” Light's voice was like a child's, hopeful that I had a better solution. But he must have had more of a grasp on the situation than I had thought. He knew that I couldn't do anything.

I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose, trying to come up with options. “if the blanket hurt, then I can't put you in clothes. Would a warm shower or bath help?”

Light's face turned into a grimace. “Don't move me.” Well, at least he was sticking to only Japanese now.

He shivered again, harder this time, and I saw him wince as his teeth clattered together, undoubtedly loud in his own head.

If we had been in a hospital, then we could have used heated blankets to help radiant warmth from a distance, but I wasn't sure how to do that here. Just get the blanket wet and put it in the microwave? I had no idea. I could have a machine brought here to do that, but I needed warmth now, not in an hour or two.

The best option I could come up with was myself. He had been trying to rest into me as he continued to shiver. Body heat was the best option. But I wasn't sure how to accomplish that either. I could get close, but how close was too close? What would hurt him?

At another shudder, I got to my feet and slowly removed what I was wearing from my body until I was down to boxers. Light’s eyes followed my movement, holding confusion in them. I sighed, hoping this would help even just a fraction, and climbed into the bed beside Light.

His eyes lit up in understanding and he carefully moved closer to me as if his spine were made of crumbling stone. His gaze was dazed and heavy with medication that I had kept continuously in his system and his hair was as messy as mine was on a daily routine. If this had been any other situation, I probably would have laughed, but right now Light looked surprisingly innocent.

Light’s body was a feather’s touch from mine, and I could feel his skin just barely brushing me, huddled as closely as he could be to me.

“Is this ok?”

A small hum was my response, as Light’s eyes closed and his muscles relaxed and uncoiled. The tension around Light slowly ebbed and his brow smooth as sleep took him once more.

I wasn’t sure how long I stared at him, watching his face softened by the sleep. But eventually sleep began to pull at me too. I didn’t want to sleep though. Not only did closing my eyes feel like a taxing chore, but I needed to be awake for Light if something worse came about.

That wasn’t so simple though. The longer I laid here in the dark, the more sleep dragged me under. My body must have relaxed too far because my shoulder brushed up against Light and there was a cry of agony. It was so startling that sleep left me in a rush of adrenaline and guilt.

“I’m sorry!” I said softly. “Shit, I’m so sorry.” I jerked back and away from him. “See, it’s better. Alright?”

“Sorry,” Light whispered, his voice miserable and his body curled up again. “Arsenic barbs everywhere.”

I sighed quietly. “Can... Can you go back to sleep?” I reached out, but stopped, my hand hovering over Light’s bare shoulder uselessly. I so desperately wanted to offer him comfort, but I knew it would do nothing but hurt. “I didn’t-didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Not your fault,” he muttered, nuzzling his face into the pillow. “You’re like Helianthus.” I gave an odd look. I wasn’t quite sure if the word was made up or somehow out of my vocabulary, but it wasn’t an insult. Or at least, it didn’t feel like an insult. Light sighed. “Tu es l’amour de ma vie.” The French was soft and dream like in the hazy room with windows that were fogged with frost. “Ne me quitte pas.”

I found myself at a loss for words. I wasn’t sure how to respond. The answer was simple, but the way he had said it had been anything but. “I-I won’t leave you, Light,” I finally stuttered. “I love you too.” His hand reached out in a strained movement, searching along the mattress until I felt it touch mine, his fingers tangling with mine. “Go back to sleep.”

Light just nodded with a wince. I gave a deep sigh and did my best to find sleep as well.

***

The sound of the blanket falling to the floor slowly pulled me from my sleep, bringing me slowly back to the surface. And coming to was pleasant enough, most likely from the body entwined with mine. Legs pressed into mine, a heavy arm around my waist and a face hidden against my chest.

My eyes snapped open at the thought, worry of hurting Light flooding through me. But as I glanced over Light’s sleeping form, he looked calm and all the tightness in his features was completely gone.

Could he finally be getting better? I would have checked for fever, but Light had trapped my libs at my side with his embrace. Somehow it was still odd to see all of his usual chaos missing from his face.

“Lawliet...” Light breathed from beside me, his grip tightening on me slightly.

“How are you feeling?” I asked in a rough voice. I had a small hope that if Light was able to speak a single language that wasn’t French then maybe that would mean he was getting better.

“I feel like an atomic bomb went off and spattered my brain against the insides of my skull,” he grumbled in Japanese while he nuzzled further into me. “Warmer though. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I placed a kiss to his head. “Do you feel better than you did yesterday?”

Light raised one of his shoulders in a half shrug, still moving like he were made of stone and not of muscle and flesh. “Different,” was his reply, leaning his head back enough so that I could see one of his eyes peeking up at me through his mess of hair. “You’re still very butterscotchy.”

“Is that a flavor?” I asked curiously. Through all my worry, I was still wondering how his brain was working, as the wires seemed to be crossed and confused.

“A color.” Light closed his eyes again with a deep breath. “Your color.”

“I see.”

“Lawliet, can I have some water?”

I nodded and gave his head another kiss before slowly untangling myself from him and getting to my feet. I left the room and closed the door carefully behind me. I stretched and exhaled deeply.

He seemed to be doing better. He didn't flinch when I touched him and he was sticking with one language. He also didn't seem to be having chills anymore.

But he still should take more medicine. And maybe some tea would help, if he could stomach it. He hadn't thrown up yet, but it was a possibility.

I wandered into the kitchen and pulled a glass down from the cupboard and filled it with water. I was busy going through the medicine cabinet when the sound of footsteps called my attention to the door.

Light leaned heavily against the frame, the bed sheet wrapped around his form. He looked bleary and unsteady on his feet, but he was at least supporting his own weight, mostly, even if his eyes were narrowed painfully against the light in the room.

“You shouldn't be out of bed!” I scolded gently, moving to the lights and switching them off, plunging the room into a more gentle dawn.

There wasn't an answer, and as I focused more on Light’s face, it looked like he was concentrating very hard on what he was doing. “I don't want to be in the bed anymore,” he finally settled on.

I sighed and grabbed the cup of water and medicine. “Then I'll set out the pullout couch.”

“I want to work.”

My eyes widened and I almost dropped the glass cup I was holding. “What on earth are you talking about?” I questioned a little more harshly than I probably should have. His eyes narrowed.

“My brain feels like it's melting, Lawliet. I feel like it's going to come rushing out of my ears. Brutal Beethoven.” He stumbled forward and I quickly set the items i was holding onto the counter to catch Light around the waist. I furrowed my eyebrows at the words. “I need something.”

“Improved cognitive function, better lingual control, and pain that is no longer utterly unbearable, but still powerful enough to render you absolutely immobile, except when you're being stubborn,” I muttered, helping him take a seat at the island. “But I don't think you should do anything strenuous right now.”

Light groaned and I pushed the glass and pills at him. He lowered his head down onto the counter and sighed. “I don't want anymore drugs. They make me feel fuzzy. Staticy.”

“It's keeping the fever down. You need to take it. Please love.”

He looked up at me, raising his head slightly. “If you are willing to call me love, I must be worrying you greatly.” He pushed himself up fully and held out his hands. I gave him the objects and he gave a disgusted look before taking the pills. He set the glass back down on the counter and lazily stuck out his tongue. “Resentful grapefruit,” he grumbled, his heading dropping back down to the counter. He winced as he made contact, but with a long exhale, he relaxed.

What was I supposed to do with him? He couldn't stay at the counter and I wasn't sure if I could get him back up the stairs.

I got a good grip on him and lifted him from the chair and lead him into the living room that was closest to us, where I helped him sit on the couch.

After a few wobbling seconds, I realized Light could not actually brace his own weight, and I quickly sat down, letting him lean against me, heavy and lax like a puppet with its strings cut.

“Why didn't you stay in bed?” I brushed my fingers through his tangles of hair and he pulled the bed sheet closer around him.

“I could smell Betanin,” he mumbled.

“The color red?” I injured, taking a stab at what he was referring to. Light nodded against my shoulder. “Are you still hurting?”

“It's more itchy now.”

I licked my lips and sighed, resting my head against his. “You should try to get more sleep.”

“How many days has it been?” Light shifted as if he were trying to sit up, but his neck merely moved, his head staying where it was at. Instead he reached out for a pillow that had fallen to the floor and held it against his chest.

“Light, I think-”

“Please tell me,” he interrupted me, his voice nearly begging through the twilight of the room.

“It's been three days,” I replied, a sadness in my words I hadn't intended to be there.

“What happened with the case?”

“It was the landlord. You were right.” I ran my fingers through his hair again. “And the brother admitted to pushing the victim from the plane so he and the wife could be together and collect the insurance money.” I stared ahead at the blank tv screen as I spoke. “I couldn't have done that case without you, love.”

“You calling me that is making me uneasy. I know this is bad, but.... You never call me pet names. You're worried.”

My fingers stopped in the raking of his locks. I was worried. I was so worried I was nauseous. I desperately wanted to get him professional help, but I knew Light wouldn't take it. And i wanted nothing more than to change the subject.

“Your silence is dripping down the walls in emerald green,” Light spoke up, easing the tension sightly.

“You can see that?” I asked curiously and relieved for the change of pace. A nod was my answer. “What else do you see?”

“Outside is a blinding white, laced with a 99 Flake.” I glanced over to the window at his words. Snow was gently falling, though not much of it was sticking and it made the green fields look spotted with flowers like it did during the spring. “It has a strongly aromatic scent, and even though it’s cold, there’s a warmth about it. Tastes like floral.”

“Vanilla ice cream? That’s what the outside is?” I looked back down at him. When had he had a 99 Flake? I hadn’t had one in years, not since I was very small. I mean, I was stuck at home and Light was out of the house most of the time. I guess it wouldn’t have been unusual for Light to get an ice cream. 

“Just trying to understand is hurting my head. I’ve given up trying to know why ice is warm and soft feels like knives against my skin. It makes no logical sense. It’s better if I don’t try to put focus to it.”

“Would you like to go back to sleep?” I questioned, pulling my legs up to my chest. Light gave me another one shoulder shrug and somehow hid his face further into my bare shoulder. He was doing better, by leaps and bounds, it felt like. But I was still too nervous to do much more than make sure he rested. “Try to go back to sleep.”

“Will you read to me?” Light asked with a yawn.

I gave his head a small pat and slowly worked my way out from under him to go to the bookshelf. I snatched up a random one and returned to the couch, flipping open to the first page. Light rested on my lap and I lowered a hand to play with his hair as I read, hoping beyond some form of hope that he would sleep and that the next time he woke, he would be fully recovered.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness....”

When he had finally fallen asleep, I stared blankly at the book, my eyes burning with want of sleep. We had slept most of the day away and it was nearing five in the evening.

Light rolled over on my lap and I looked down at him, at the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. 

“Shit,” I whispered, running my hands over my face with a deep exhale. My stomach gave a nauseous jerk, but it was more from emotion rather than hunger. Or maybe it was a mixture of the two. It was getting pretty late.

Could I get Light to eat something? He had been living on fluids for the last two days and I could already see his cheeks starting to hollow. He needed something more than just water or sprite to drink. Maybe I could make him some soup. But I didn’t want to move and wake him. But at a growl from my stomach I sighed and carefully moved Light’s head from my lap and onto the pillow.

I made my way into the kitchen and looked through the cupboards, settling on just a can of chicken noodle soup. I went about making it, but stopped at the sound of stumbling. I sighed. Had Light really gotten up again?

I could hear a door open and I gave a curious look before following the sound to the bathroom. Light was on his knees, over the toilet, coughing violently. I honestly wasn’t sure if there was anything that Light had in his stomach to bring up, but I wasn’t about to question.

I stepped closer and knelt down, unsure of what to actually do besides rub his back for comfort as his ivory skin turned a sickly green and his lips twitched. He sobbed as his stomach emptied only liquid. He trembled from head to foot, clutching to the porcelain.

It was a savage shiver, looking almost more like a seizure. My hand jumped back to the feeling. This was worse than last night. But those eyes were focussed now and there was a gloss of cold sweat on skin. Rigors. Chills without fever.

“We’re getting you back to bed,” I said, my voice dripping with concern. I had no idea what the fuck to do. How the hell was I supposed to help him? I was running on steam and close to crying from stress over how worried I was.

“No,” he shouted in a clipped tone before wincing with a whimper. Tears were pouring down his cheeks as his stomach turned again. I reached out, but stopped my hand. Maybe my presence was more of a hindrance than a help.

There were two more heaves and I winced, my stomach flipping in sympathy. Light’s fists were pressed into his temples, his knuckles white as if he were trying to hold his skull together.

“Wa-water,” he gasped through sporadic breaths.

I got to my feet and made my way back to the kitchen where his cup of water still rested on the counter and brought it back to him. Light had pulled his knees up to his chest and was silently crying, hands holding to his hair. I dropped to my knees beside him and handed him the cup.

He snatched it from my hand and gulped at the water as if he hadn’t drank anything in a month. The back of his hand wiped over his chin where water was dripping and he held it back out to me.

“More.”

My eyebrows furrowed together as I got to my feet to turn on the bathroom sink. “You’re going to make yourself sick again,” I said as I held out the new glass of water to him.

“My mouth feels like a desert and tastes like rotting fish, I don’t care.” He grabbed at the glass again and downed the water was if he were putting away a shot of vodka. He lowered the glass and about dropped it to the tile floor. The ping was loud and he went back to holding his head as he cried again. “It’s like a war zone in my head and under my skin. A battle of cold and hot and of nuclear destruction. Please, make it stop.” His breath shuttered as he inhaled. “Please. Please make it stop.” Another shutter and a shiver. “Make it stop! Make it stop, make it stop.”

I got to my feet, unsure of what to do at all. I wandered back to the kitchen and went to the freezer where the ice trays were. I put some ice cubes in a bag and wrapped it in a cloth before returning to the bathroom where Light was still muttering those three words over and over again.

“This is going to be cold,” I said as kindly as I could, pressing the ice pack to the back of his neck. There was a sharp inhale and he looked up at me, his eye lashes sparkling with tears. “Let me know if it’s hurting.”

“N-No,” he stuttered, shocked out of the chanting from earlier. “It’s not as sharp anymore.”

I sighed and rested my head against his. “You don’t have to go back to bed, but please, go rest on the couch. Please. Get some more sleep.” I placed several kisses to his forehead and closed my eyes, a slight relief taking over my shoulders as his tired nod. “Thank you.” I placed another kiss to his head, and helped him to his feet.

I rested on the couch and Light curled into me, pulling the sheet over the top of us. I had decided to give up on food. I had lost my appetite and it was a fair assumption that I would be taking Light back to the bathroom so he could rid himself of the water he had dank so rapidly.

I placed the ice pack back against his neck and used my other hand to massage at his temples. He gave a content sigh and pulled the fallen pillow back so he could place it over his face to block out the little light that was coming in from the kitchen.

I hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but between the warmth and steady breathing that Light gave off and the stress slowly leaving my body, I was swept away quickly.

 

-The world around me was steadily growing lighter with the sun cressing over the distant mountains. I couldn't exactly place where I was, but I knew I wasn’t lost. Just in a city that was empty as its residents slept in the early morning.

The sound of a gunshot broke the silence, rippling through the air. And my feet moved towards the noise as if they had a mind of their own. I rounded the corner of an apartment complex and stopped at the form of a body huddled against the brick structure.

“Hello?” I called out. “Do you need any help?”

There wasn’t an answer and I found myself continuing forward. And when I finally arrived at his side, I wished to god that I hadn’t. There was pale skin with brown hair and a suite with a red tie.

I wanted to scream, this wasn’t how my nightmares went. And I wasn’t sure how I knew that, but I did, not that that would help me. If only I could tear myself from sleep. 

Light was sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest and his hands pressed to his face, blocking my view. His hair shone like wet ink, the locks obscenely dark against the skin at his temples from the blood. It was caught in Light's ear, gleaming like a ruby. And I could only watch carve a line down his throat.

“L-Light.” I dropped to my knees beside him and tried to get a better look, but his hands covered his face, blocking my view. “You’re hurt.” I took his wrists. “Please, let me see.”

Inch by inch, his hands began to drop. Streams of liquid red dripped from his nose, the corner of his lips and from his eyes. His face was blank, as if he didn’t notice the warmth leaving his body. And his eyes... they looked like cut glass, impossibly bright and burning with pain. But it was something else that caught my attention.

Bone shards and pulp, brain matter swelling into the breach left by the bullet. He had been shot in the head, a kill shot. It should have been fatal, but somehow, he was still alive. His eyes were sharp and his lip quivered as if he were going to cry.

“Help,” he said, his voice higher pitched and strained in agony. “I-I can’t think! Lawliet, help! It’s- I can’t-can’t think!”

My fingers fluttered uselessly over his face. I wasn’t sure what to do. How to help. He was supposed to be dead. There was no logic to this, but maybe if I could relive the swelling then maybe I could-

“Please!” It was a desperate plea.

I removed my jacket and placed it to his head to try to stop the blood flow. “We need to get you to a hospital. They will be able to help.” It was a lie and I could tell that light knew by the terrified look in his brown eyes.

Something cold was pushed into my hand and I jumped, looking down to where Light had placed a gun. I could only stare at it.

Light’s breaths were raw and ragged. “You can still help me.” The safety hammer was already cocked, and the gun's black shape seemed to absorb the sunlight, drowning it out in the sleek, dark lines of its form. My finger curved on the trigger automatically, but it was Light’s shaking hands that guided my arm up until the muzzle of the pistol pressed into the hollow beneath Light's jaw.

A chill froze me in place. “No. Light, please don-”

“Lawliet,” Light said firmly, his grip on my hand weakening slightly and slipping from the sticky blood that covered it. I shook my head, the gun trembling in my grasp. His blood still flowed and those eyes pleaded, begged. “Help me.”

A noise escaped my throat, hoarse and dry. “I-I can’t!”

His hand reached out to my face shakily, trailing over my lips as if he were trying to memorize them, but only covered them in his blood.

“This is the last thing I’ll ask of you.” His voice cracked, but for a moment there was a fraction of his old self there, cutting through the choked voice. “The very last thing I will ask of you.”

I could feel Light’s finger tighten over min that was poised on the trigger, and I could only hold my breath as I waited for utter destruction. The shot rang out and a scream tore through me.-

 

I couldn’t breathe as I was thrust back into reality, my hands reaching out through the darkness sporadically until they found Light and pushed him up and off of me. My fingers traced the lines of Light’s cheeks and temples before dipping down to check the full length of his jaw line. They returned up, brushing over the cool silky skin of his forehead to make sure that nothing had truly happened to him. That his head was still all in one piece, there was no gaping hole.

And then my hands fell down to his chest where I could feel the air fill and leave his lungs as he breathed, and then the pattern of his heat as it pushed blood through his body and not out of it.

My breathing was completely out of control, so much so that it hurt and caused my body to shake and shutte revern though Light sat perfectly still, accepting my continued touching of everywhere that meant Light was still here.

Light’s arms carefully circled around me as my fingers returned to his forehead and felt my way about it again and again. The hold was light as if he didn’t have the strength to hold me tighter, but his hands smoothed over my back

There was no damage. I just had to keep reassuring myself that by touching every inch of him I could with one hand while the other clung tightly to his arm to anchor myself there. Slowly the fretfulness of the nightmare began to disappear, letting me breathe more calmly and relax into the pattern light was rubbing into my back.

“It was just a dream. I’m ok,” Light cooed softly in my ear. “I’m not shot.”

I glanced up sharply, taking in Light's face for the first time since waking up. I had not wanted to look before, in case all I saw was blood and broken bone. Now, though, there was just Light's pale skin, eyes slitted in the gloom full of discomfort as his lips pulled into a worried grimace. 

I looked over him and stopped my fingers that were still tracing over his forehead and lowered my hand. I pressed my face into his chest and Light laid back on the couch so that I was laying over the top of him. I should have pulled away. The last thing Light needed with his migraine was me falling apart on him. But my muscles wouldn’t move, afraid to lose his vital heat that told me he was alive and well.

“I’m sorry if I woke you,” I swallowed.

“You didn’t. I haven’t been able to sleep. The medicine wore off and the pain is a bit too intense for me to be comfortable.”

“I’m sorry,” I muttered again, pushing myself off of him and sitting upright only to lower my head into my hands.

“You didn't hurt me,” he pressed, sitting up as well, his hand set comfortably in my shoulder. “Rapid pulse, cold sweat, trembling, hyperventilation and disorientation. You were having a panic attack.” I couldn't help but roll my eyes, but the next question caught me off guard. “Are they always like that?”

I wished I could say that this one was just like any other panic attack I had lived through, but somehow this one was worse than the one I had had when I knew I was going to be murdered. Maybe it was because I was worried over another person and not myself, but this one had been crippling.

“No. This one was worse,” I got out. I closed my eyes, exhaustion gnawing at the edges of my mind. But I didn't want to sleep again. Not if that scene was all that awaited me.

“Let's go to bed,” Light suggested, getting shakily to his feet. I jumped up to catch him as he stumbled. “You don't need to sleep, but it'll be more comfortable than here.”

I nodded and lead him into the kitchen, getting him more medication before helping him stagger up the stairs.

We entered our bedroom and Light collapsed into the mattress with a whine. I took a pillow and rested it against the headboard before sitting myself up.

Light sat up and crawled over to me, sitting between my legs, his back resting against my chest. He exhaled deeply and closed his eyes.

“I don't mean to sound selfish, but you rubbing my head was nice.”

A small smile came to my lips and I began to massage his forehead again. Light shuttered with a slight moan and relaxed further into me, surrendering to whatever release my fingers offered him.

“Do you want to talk about your dream? You were pretty shaken.”

“No,” I answered, not wanting to relive any fragmented detail that was still present in my head. “Tell me if I hurt you.”

“You won't.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ne Me Quitte Pas-Celine Dion


	24. Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your body needs electrolytes and fluids during recovery. It’s better if you rip out the IV than you not getting what you need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liek this chapter!

*Light’s POV*

 

-”You’re scaring me,” L whispered, placing a kiss to my right temple as he held me tightly in his arms. The warmth of his breath made me tip my head back further into him. He shifted beneath me on the love seat we were tangled in. “You know that, right?”

Yes. I knew. L had been good at keeping as calm as he could, but I knew this was killing him inside. Slowly, but surely killing him. And his eyes... they weren’t the warm darkness that they had been. They were a whirlpool of inky blackness that no smile could touch.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, the words floating away like smoke through the air that clung in blossoming ice to the windows that surrounded us, the glass the only guard against the storm outside. “It’s just a migraine.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder, my hand trailing over his cheek and jaw. His arms tightened around me, his hands trailing over my bare chest to stop at my heart. His hand didn’t move as if he couldn’t feel the beats and eventually one of his hands moved to my neck searching for my pulse.

His lips pressed into the skin of my shoulder as he kissed every inch of me he could in a slow motion, his fingers still searching for the rhythmic tempo that my heart was supposed to be making.

“I think it’s worse. Brain tumor, epilepsy, swelling...” He trailed off, kissing up my neck. “I don’t want to lose you.”

I closed my eyes again, a sigh tumbling from my lips. “You won’t.”

There was a roar in the distance that was a low rumble that rattled the glass of the windows. I sat up a little fuller at the sound. “What was that?”

L’s arms wrapped around my waist tightly, trying to hold me in place. “Do you promise?” I could feel L’s unsteady heartbeat in the air around me tensely. “You promise not to leave me?”

“I promise. What’s-” My words were hidden underneath the rumble of thunder, rolling over us, shaking dust down from the cracked ceiling.There was a distant sound of breaking glass and I was reminded heavily of an earthquake.

And then the pain hit. My muscles locked and my breath was stolen from my lungs before everything faded away-

 

 

“– all right. I know you're confused, but they're trying to help you. I promise.”

“L,” I swallowed, the taste of blood in my mouth. My tongue felt sore and my mouth filled with more blood that I spit out and onto whatever surface I was on. It was jerky and made it so my head pounded. But my head was competing for recognition with my muscles that were aching and exhausted. It felt like I had just run for three days straight. Everything hurt, from the large muscles in my thighs to the small ribbons between my ribs, clenching and throbbing as I began to shiver.

“There you are,” L’s voice said again.

I gave a small cry as a long wailing scream filled the air and whatever I was on began to rattle with movement. I forced my eyes to open and through the blurriness, I could make out metal framing with a man in uniform beside me. A hand was placed on my shoulder and I glanced up at L, whose face was worse for wear.

His eyes were bloodshot and the rings under them were darker than normal. They looked like they might never fade away. He wore a small smile, but I couldn’t place it. And his hair was somehow worse and stood up more.

“You need to let the paramedic go now,” L continued, his voice soft even though I could hear an underlying of something else much more emotional.

I blinked, my eyes dropping down to where my hand was, wrapped tightly around the wrist of a young woman. She didn’t look too alarmed and gave me a smile when I finally released my hold on her, a bruise in place of my aching hand. She gave a small wave when I opened my mouth to apologize and went about her work.

“What...” I pressed a hand to my head and closed my eyes with a deep breath. But I didn't have an answer. My memory was blank. The last thing I could recall was laying in bed, trying to sleep. “What happened?”

“A convulsive fit. You passed out and experienced violent muscle spasms. If you're aching, that's why,” the male medic replied as he wrapped a pad around my arm to take my blood pressure.

I gasped as a sharp pain entered the back of my hand and I looked over to see the woman pressing a needle into my arm to start an IV. I rested my head back and licked my lips. Ok. Seizure. That’s what it was.

“If I have another seizure, is that really the best idea?” I questioned, trying to wiggle my fingers as they fell asleep on my other hand.

“It’s standard,” the woman’s voice said to me. “Your body needs electrolytes and fluids during recovery. It’s better if you rip out the IV than you not getting what you need.”

Once my hand was free I moved it over my head, trying to reach out for L who took my hand and began to rub soothing circles into it. I tried to go back into my head, but I couldn’t catagorise the overstimulation I was feeling.

“My head feels funny,” I grumbled, disappointed that that was the only thing I could come up with. There were small laughs around me and L gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

“What you experienced just now was like shutting down. Everything but your most automatic functions go, and when you wake up again it's like you're coming back online from the bottom up,” the woman explained again, a kind smile on her face as she worked on setting up the IV drip. “The convulsion lasted three and a half minutes, Basic consciousness was gained at about six minutes, and awareness returned after eleven minutes.”

“Your mind switched on without you,” L supplied, his thumb still making circles over my hand. “Fight or flight and muscle movement.”

I shook my head, letting my eyes flutter shut as my stomach twisted into anxious knots. I could hear the paramedics talking in hushed voices so as not to let me hear whatever it could be.

The ambulance came to a stop and I was pulled from the back of it, L’s hand leaving mine. A nervousness flooded through me and I tried to sit up so I could see where L had gone. Someone grabbed my shoulders and held me down and my hands began to tremble.

“L-L!” I called, still trying to see behind me. Hospitals made me uneasy to begin with, but the fact that I had no recollection as to what got me here in the first place made it worse.

“It’s ok,” his voice said from somewhere behind me. “I’m coming.”

I was pushed through the doors and eventually into an empty room where I was hooked up to more machines. L had taken a seat in a chair that was far enough away from the bed not to be in the way, but close enough that I was a little more comfortable with where I was and what was happening.

“What do you remember?” L questioned, tiredness etched on his face. I could feel myself frown as he reached up and rubbed at his eyes and the back of his neck.

“Not much.”

“It started when you were asleep. Could you tell?” 

My eyebrows furrowed as I thought back trying to get anything. Anything at all. But nothing came up. I shook my head and sighed, resting back. “I don’t have anything.”

And it was terrifying. There was a numbness in my leg, a metallic tang in my mouth and butterflies in my stomach before I was yanked from myself. Seizure.

In those brief, fleeting moments when they had played a role in a crime scene – poisoning often presented with convulsions – I imagined the horror of the mind being aware while the transport was lost in a hurricane of conflicting impulses. I had pictured myself awake and thinking behind a wall of physical turmoil, able to sense the world but incapable of interacting with it.

I had never been more wrong in my life.

It was like I had been switched off. Like a computer whose battery had died. I was just gone.

In a moment I could feel my spine stretch as my muscles contorted, a cry forced its way up my throat, and could see L jump to his feet before everything went dark. The next thing I knew I was laying on my side in my hospital bed, hands clutching painfully tight to the thin fabric of the hospital blanket and there was a warm hand on my shoulder.

My face was being cleaned at the nose and mouth area and In the window I could see my reflection. I had blood dripping from my nose and out of the corners of my mouth. And another person was trying to unclench my fists.

My heart was going to beat free of my chest with a morse code of distress and my breath was ragged and burned as it came past my dry lips. My hands trembled and my muscles couldn’t seem to relax no matter how hard I tried to will them. They stayed tense and adrenaline filled. I shut my eyes tightly, not wanting to open them again.

“The convolution lasted two minutes,” a voice said somewhere behind me. English. Why was the voice speaking English? How did I understand English?

“I’d rather he didn’t have a second one,” another, deeper voice replied. “We should get him a CT scan and replace the IV. He pulled it out.”

A hand began to touch my head and I did my best to move away from the foreignness of it, but my neck wouldn’t obey me and screamed when I tried to move it. There was something wrong. I was in a hospital, I knew that, but why? Who had brought me here? What were they going to do to me?

The knowledge of the definition of a CT Scan alluded me and it just made fear sink further into my bones. I tried to move away from the hands that kept touching me, prodding at me, but each time I tried, my body tried to snap, break into a million pieces.

“Light,” came a different voice, in Japanese this time. “It’s going to be ok. You had another seizure.”

“S-Stop!” I shouted, my mouth moving on it’s own. “Don’t touch me!”

“Light, everything is alright,” the same voice said again.

“How do you know my name?”

Had I lost my sense of reality? All of this felt so similar. The voice, the rushed movements around me, the taste of blood, the smell of antiseptic. Something was yelling at me. I had been here before. I knew where I was.

And it slammed back with a mace striking against my cranium. I gasped for air and my eyes opened, searching around the room I was in for that familiar face. That one person who had been with me through all of it. The beginning to now.

“L,” I said, licking my lips, the taste of salt over powering.

“I’m right here. It’s ok.” The hand on my head brushed back my damp hair gently.

I swallowed and could feel my shoulders finally relaxing. “Another one?” I asked, lifting an aching hand to my face and rubbing at my tired eyes. I lowered my hand and it was immediately snatched up by L’s comforting grasp as geometric shapes were traced against my skin. “I remember waking up, but I...” I inhaled sharply as another pain entered my arm. I opened my eyes slightly and could see a nurse drawing blood. “I didn’t know where I was.”

“That’s not impractical,” L answered me, his fingers trembling against mine.

“Was this one the same?” I turned my head away from the nurse who was leaving the room with the others to where L sat in a ball on his chair, worry creased into the lines on his face.

“It was shorter. Not a sign of improvement, but we’re hopeful,” L continued, trying to hold a confidence in his voice, though I could see through it. “I’m hopeful.”

“Are you going to help me escape back home, or will I have to do that myself?” I did my best to tease with as much of a smile as I could make my face produce when I noticed the room was empty. L looked up from where he had been looking at my hand. His laugh was weak, but it was better than a web of worry.

“You’re joking, right?” L questioned.

I did my best to widen my smile. “CT scans, MRI’s, blood tests. I’ll be here for weeks.”

“I will be here with you through all of it. I don’t care that I’m not family.” His smile was larger now, kind and exhausted. “They are going to have a hell of a time kicking me out of here.”

I chuckled, which quickly turned into a cough. I settled back down, my eyes closing from the destruction wrought by the migraine and seizures. “We could change that.” I could feel the energy in the room shift from concerned to confused. I forced my eyes to open through the want of sleep and could see L looking at me intently with his eyebrows furrowed. “I have no idea what the hell is going to happen to me, and before I find out, I want you.”

“Light, we’re in a hospital,” L muttered, eyes wearily watching the door in case someone came in.

I lowered my voice. “Lawliet.” His eyes flickered down to me. “I want to marry you right here, right now.” The black of his eyes brightened slightly with surprise and his thumb stopped it’s soothing movements over my skin.

“I think you need the CT Scan now.” The words stung a bit, but I couldn’t hold it against him.

I took a deep breath and gave his hand a squeeze. “Call my sister. You promised her, after all. And then find someone to marry us. The moment Sayu gets here, I want to be your husband. Do you understand me?”

“I-I- But...” L was at a loss for words. I had never seen him so flustered and the more he stuttered the redder his cheeks became. His eyes met mine and he stopped. There was a thick silence between us before a gin spread across his lips, banishing the fatigue. “You’re serious?”

“Dead serious,” I replied, my eyes sliding closed again as sleep started to slip over me.

“I will call your sister.” I could feel his fingers push through my hair. “Light.” The voice was soft and broke through the haze of sleep. “They're going to take you to get an MRI done and later when the machine is open, a CT scan, ok?”

I opened my eyes and looked up at L who had a gentle smile and was caressing my cheek with his hand. It took me a moment to process what he was saying, but I gave him a nod as it became clear.

“I also called your sister. She is on the next flight over.”

“Ok.” I tried to sit up, but L's hand took my shoulder.

“It's ok. Just relax.”

I can't say I enjoyed the next hour of time. I hated heights with a passion, but I had never considered claustrophobia to be another fear. The machine was large, but for such a big machine, the place where I had to lay was the size of a coffin. And even with the headphones that played calming Brahms over them, did nothing to drown out the grinding sound the machine made.

I did my best to keep my eyes closed, but it didn't seem to help. All that made it so I could breathe normally was imagining that L's hand was in mine. And maybe it was, because the next time I came to, I was back in my room with L asleep in his chair, his hand holding to mine.

I sighed and used my free hand to rub my eyes, wishing the sound of the beeping would go away.

“You're awake?” L yawned and shifted in his chair, stretching, but never releasing my grip. “You've been doing well. They said your MRI would be in a few more hours. And your sister should be here soon.”

“Have you slept at all?” I asked, searching for the button that would allow me to sit up.

“Not since we got here. I've been too worried. If it happens again, I can help you before the nurses get here. I need to be awake for that.”

I frowned at the words. Guilt was sharp in my chest. I shouldn't have done this to him. I should have gone to the hospital in the first place, when he wanted me to. I must have caused him so much grief. How could I fix this?

“You've been asleep almost eight hours,” L continued kindly. “You look better though. Not as pale. Hydration has probably helped.”

I sat up and sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

L’s head tipped to the side curiously. “What for? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I don’t know exactly, but I feel like I owe you an apology. I’ve probably kept you from working on important things, like the Kira case. And I have no sense of time, but I’m sure you haven’t slept in at least two days.” I was rambling now, but I didn’t feel like I could stop. “And when was the last time you ate? And I must have scared you horribly and-”

I broke off as he got up and moved closer to the bed, leaning over me. My eyes widened as he kissed me. We were in public. In a hospital. It wasn’t exactly private. A nurse or doctor could walk in here anytime they wanted. I had never had L kiss me in a place where other people could see.

He pulled back and placed a kiss to my head. “You are far more important to me than any case I have.” My eyes searched his, looking for something that would prove his words wrong, but all I found was a tired sincerness. “How are you feeling?” He stepped back from me, but kept his grip on my hand, as if I would slip away if he let go.

“My head still hurts, but it’s better than it was.” I closed my eyes and sighed.

“I can tell. You’re neck is still tense.”

I rolled my eyes with a small smile and a huff in answer. I could feel a pull on my hand as L went to sit back in his chair. I frowned and opened my eyes. “You still haven’t slept.”

L gave a confused look, scrunching up his nose. “As discussed.” I gave an expectant look and he sighed. “The chair will be fine.”

“The chair is making your back hurt and your shoulders ache. I can see how stiff you are.” I did my best to give him a half smile. “You need a bed and I need you. Get in.”

L blinked blankly for a moment as if he didn’t understand what I was saying. He took one step closer, but stopped. I knew what he was thinking. A nurse was more than likely to get upset if they found us curled up in the same bed. And what if I did have another seizure? I could possibly hurt the both of us and he would be in the way of the doctors trying to work on me.

L dropped my hand and motioned for me to move over. I did my best, wincing at the change. L propped himself up where I had previously been and lied down beside me. But the bed was small, only ever meant for one, and even though both of us were on either edge of the mattress, we were chest to chest, face to face.

L’s arm wrapped around me and pulled me close as he hid his face in my neck, relaxing down into my shoulder. His fingers were against my bare back as he found the opening of my hospital gown and dipped beneath it. I could feel his grip on me losen, and his breath deepen.

“You should try to sleep too,” he whispered, his lips tickling my skin as they brushed against me.

“I will later,” I said softly, stroking his back. I could feel the want of an argument, but none came. Instead, L stayed silent as he fell asleep. HIs breathing was steady enough to help me pass the time. I wasn’t sure how long had passed, maybe an hour or two, when there was a knock at the door. I did my best to glance over my shoulder to the open doorway without waking L. There was a nurse with a disapproving look and next to her was my sister who looked like she hadn’t slept once since she was called, but was bubbly and bouncy all the same.

She smiled and stepped into the room, holding two bags, one larger than the other. The nurse clicked her tongue before leaving the doorway. Sayu came over the the bedside and rested a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

“How are you feeling?” she asked softly, when she saw L beside me.

“I’m doing alright. How did you get here?” I glanced behind her for an answer, but I didn’t see anyone else.

“Watari gave me some notes written in English to give to people when I got here. He sends his best. He couldn’t get away since there was a large attack from Kira before I left.”

“There was?” I demanded, shifting slightly to get a better look at her.

“Yeah. A bunch of school kids that went on strike today died.” Sayu set the bags down and moved closer to the bed. A small smile played on her lips as she looked over L who had nuzzled down into my chest at the movement.

“I’m glad you’re safe.” I pulled one of my hands from L’s back and held it out to her so she could take it.

“Same here.” Sayu tipped her head to the side. “I didn’t think your wedding would be in a hospital room.”

“I didn’t think I’d have a wedding,” I admitted. “But I can’t stand not being married to this man anymore.”

Sayu gave a smile. “That’s a bit cheesy.”

“You’ll understand someday.” I gave her hand a squeeze.

She shook her head and wrinkled her nose. “I’ve done that. I’d rather marry my computer. Boys are so immature and girls cause too much drama.”

I gave a teasing smile. “GIrls, huh?”

“I’ve been around. You have no place to judge,” she shot back. I sighed and looked down at L who was sleeping soundly still. “Alright,” she said rather loudly while clapping her hands once. L jumped in my arms and his eyes shot open. At the sight of my sister he groaned and hid his face deep into my neck. “Ryuzaki. Get up. The judge should be here in about 30 minutes, and Watari made sure that at least one of you would look presentable. Up.”

“No,” L grumbled, his grip around me tightening. I couldn’t help but laugh as Sayu moved around to the other side of the bed and took his arm and began to pull at him. “Ok, ok. Don’t rip my arm from its socket, please.” L sighed and glanced up at me with an annoyed look. I bit my lip to hide my smile and he grinned. “I love you,” he whispered, giving me a kiss before sitting up and leaving his side of the bed cold.

Sayu snatched up his hand and one of the bags before pulling him in the direction of the bathroom. The wait felt longer than it probably was and soon the judge had arrived and greeted me. We spoke in awkward small talk. He seemed nice enough. MIddle aged, loved god and spoke all sorts of things about politics. I just nodded to in agreement, though I didn’t necessarily believe it.

And there was so much that we hadn’t thought about. Like, his name. When the judge asked, it took me a moment to come up with an answer. I wasn’t sure if L wanted to use his name and I still had no idea what his last name was, or if Lawliet was his last name. He had never mention the second name and I had never pushed him on it. Even in the death note that had taken his life, there wasn’t another name. Just Lawliet.

“Rue Ryuzaki,” I finally settled on. That would be the best for everyone. And it was the only name that Sayu knew.

There was the sound of a door opening and Sayu stepped out in a long red dress with her hair all curled and pulled back. She smiled and moved over to the bed, holding out a black tie to me. I rolled my eyes and sighed before taking it and putting it around my neck and tying it.

“You’ve been planning this, haven’t you?” I questioned.

“Ever since L called me, yes,” was her reply. “It doesn’t take that long to tie your shoe!” Sayu called, turning back to the bathroom door. “Will you hurry up?!”

I chuckled and glanced to the judge who wore a kind smile, but I knew he didn’t understand what was being said. Sayu tapped her foot impatiently before finally going to the bathroom and walking in. I glanced down at myself and rolled my eyes. I looked like a complete idiot in my hospital gown and a tie.

There were footsteps and grumbled disagreements, but Sayu reappeared, L in tow. She stopped and released L, who straightened his suit. His hands slid down the lapels before he looked up at me and I couldn’t help but smile. 

Sure, I had seen him in a tux before, but it was so rare and Sayu or Watari had made sure that this suit was somehow a step above the rest. I wasn’t sure if it was the fit or the almost black shade of blue it was or the fact that I was going to marry him, but something about it was superior than the other times.

Though the lines under his eyes were still extremely dark, they did nothing to hold back the shine of his irises. And I wasn’t sure how Sayu did it, but somehow she got his hair to lay a little flatter than it normally would.

“Ok. Two things before we start!” Sayu said, moving to the other bag, her heels clicking as she went. “First, write your vows down so that I can read them. I'm assuming it'll all be I English.” She turned back with a notebook and a pencil.

My mind went blank at the thought. Vows. What the hell was I going to say?

Sayu gave L the notebook and he began to scribble in it. She then took the page and tore it out before giving me the book and pencil. I started at the page for a moment before giving her a rough outline of my ideas.

“And I need a picture!”

I rolled my eyes, but L came over and stood by my side, taking my hand. My breath was stolen from me. This was so real. This was happening.

Sayu took a few pictures on her phone before standing off to the side with a bright smile.

“We ready?” the judge questioned, rising to his feet.

L gave my hand a squeeze and I exhaled deeply. There was no going back now.

“You're about to be chained to me forever,” L muttered. “Are you sure you want to do this? We can stop.”

I shook my head. “I want this.”

It was simple enough. Nice. Quite. Small. It wasn't what I thought it would be at all, but I couldn't imagine a better time or place to do this.

“The rings,” the judge asked and a awkward smile came to my face.

We didn't have rings.

But I caught L's sideways smirk as he turned to Sayu who held out her hand, which L took what was placed there. he then took one and set it in my open palm. A simple silver band with a single inset diamond.

“Light,” the judge said, nodding his head for me to move forward.

I took a deep breath and smiled, doing my best to sit up a bit more in my bed. I looked up at L's face who was waiting patiently.

“From the moment our paths crossed, you have surprised me, distracted me, captivated me and challenged me in a way that no human being ever has,” I started, causing a blush to come to L's cheeks. I glanced down at his hand in mine and put the ring slowly on his finger. “But you also made me love you. And with that love comes my promise. I promise to uplift you. And support you in your work as well as challenge and frustrate you and maybe someday I will even let you win at a game chess.”

L gave a small laugh and pulled one of his hands from mine and I looked up to see him using his fingers to wipe a tear from his cheek.

“But no matter what we encounter, I will stick through it with you just as you have stuck with me. I love you with every beat of my heart.”

L laughed again and behind him, Sayu was smiling widely, papers in hand. L took a shaky inhale and nodded before speaking.

“I always thought it would difficult to find someone who would love me when I'm always scattered in a million different directions.” He took the second ring and slid it onto my finger, the metal warm from the heat of his hand.

“I felt like a puzzle that was missing pieces. But you have showed me I don't need at the pieces to create something beautiful and that love can exist in the most imperfect, lost and broken people. And I promise you that our life will be beautiful, whether we are in a thousand pieces or one.”

It took a lot to hold back my own tears. And this moment, this amazing moment of pure ecstatic joy is one I don't think I would ever be able to express beyond that. It was a warm blanket of absolute bliss and I didn't want it to end.

But it needed to end. And it ended in a kiss. One that made the world disappear so that it was only us. No hospital, no onlookers, no stupid hospital gowns. Just us. And that was special. Absolutely breathtaking.

When the kiss ended, I could hear the giggle of Sayu as well as the click from her phone as she snapped pictures. But I didn't care.

I now had the rest of my life with this man. I wa never going to spend it with anyone else, but this just made the bond that much stronger.

Once everything was fully taken care of and Sayu had gotten all of her pictures, L left to change.

I tested back in my bed after passing the tie back to Sayu. I hadn't realized how exhausted I was. I might have fallen asleep because the next thing I recalled was a hand taking my cheek and lips kissing mine deeply.

“Boys, save it for another time,” Sayu’s voice teased through the haze. “Or I'll record that and make some money off of it.”

I shot her a wide eyes look, but she only smiled, letting her hair down. 

L's fingers pulled my face back to look at his and I smiled, receiving another kiss.

“Can I join you?” he asked softly. I moved over to allow L onto the small frame and then cuddled into his chest. It was warm and smelled like home. “Get some sleep. You need it. You'll be up in a few hours for that CT scan.”

I nodded with a yawn and snuggled down into the chest of my husband.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not Alone- Darren Criss


	25. Playing God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How the hell is that supposed to help me?” I demanded in a growl.
> 
> “One of them is Detective L.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kinda really excited about this chapter. It's a little different. Because I decided to write this story in first person and not third, I wasn't sure how to make this chapter happen within L's and Light's POV's, so I hope you enjoy this chapter. It was fun to write. And let me know what you think!

*Sayu's POV*

“Here,” I whispered, handing Ryusaki a warm styrofoam cup of tea. He nodded and took the cup from my hand, careful not to wake Light who was sleeping soundly against him. “You look like you've been to hell and back. Like you're living on too much adrenaline and nothing else.”

“That's a fair assumption,” he muttered on his odd monotone voice before taking a sip of the tea and setting it on the tray beside him.

I took a seat at the small makeshift table I had made from one of the extra beside trays that now had my computer up on it with my homework. I picked up my notebook from the floor, and rested it on my lap, writing down some words down from the page I had up.

“What are you working on?” Ryusaki questioned. I glanced up at him from my computer, turning off the video that was on the screen and flipping it over to my assignment.

“Calculus.” I gave a sigh. “I’m not very good at it. Usually Light helps me. Or...” I trailed off and looked over at my brother who was a very sickly pale, but sleeping deeply. “He used to. I guess it’s been a while.”

“Could I be of assistance?”

I laughed as I looked over the ruffled and battered man. His eyes narrowed at the sound. Not in an unkind way. It was more of confusion. “I think you should be getting sleep, like him.”

“Are you not jet lagged?” Ryusaki questioned, looking over me, causing a blush to come to my cheeks. I knew his gaze was nothing but calculating, but I had never had someone look at me like that before. “You should be absolutely exhausted.”

I cleared my throat and looked back at my screen. “Whether I am jet lagged or not, that’s not going to change the fact that I am missing school and have to make up the work.” I glanced over the problem and sighed. “I would not say no to some help.”

“Read it aloud to me?”

He helped me through a few problems, somehow able to do them in his head. Not even Light could do that. Light had to write them down and solve them before walking me through all of the steps. No wonder Light loved him so much. There was someone who was finally smarter than him. A challenge. Someone who could keep up and go beyond.

Eventually several nurses came in and Ryuzaki had to move so that Light could go get his CT scan. Ryuzaki came over by me and sat down in the empty chair and looked over my screen. I had two more problems left before I moved onto my computer programing homeworking.

“That’s interesting. What are you planning to do with that?” Ryuzaki leaned closer to my computer screen and I pushed him back slightly so he wasn’t in my space.

“I’m not sure yet,” I explained, opening up a document so I could read over it. “Not sure if I want to go into police work like my dad and Light or if I want to fix computers. It is interesting though.”

“Yes,” he replied thoughtfully and leaned back in his chair. I could sense his eyes flickering across the page I had up, though I felt like he was more interested in the small details around my computer like my bookmarks and whatnot instead of the theories that were splattered over the document. “You have a lot of information saved on the Kira case. You even have a news station up on the other tab.”

“My dad is head of the case. I like to make sure he’s safe,” I answered, scribbling down into my notebook. There was silence and I paused and glanced back at Ryuzaki, whose eyes were still intently focused on my computer screen. Or.... Maybe they weren’t. They were focused right above my screen.

“Something’s wrong,” he said, getting to his feet. “It's Light.”

“How can you-” I broke off as Ryuzaki raced to the door and could see the large figure of Ryuk standing in the middle of the room. I had found that the shinigami had in turn become more of a death omen, a reaper to my brother than it had been anything else.

I rose to my feet and moved around my makeshift desk, now alone with the shinigami. I stepped closer to him and tipped my head to the side.

“I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon.”

“I like to give the boys a scare now and then. It’s so boring. Cases and marriage.”

“I thought we had a deal.” I stepped in front of Ryuk and his smile grew widley. “You know my life is no object in any situation dealing with my brother.”

“I’m not here for your brother yet. This is just a bonus to watch. You should know better than any other the affects a death note has on a life.” He gave a cackle and I frowned. “Besides, I’m not keen on losing my life yet anyways.”

I eyed him carefully.

“Light gets a long life with Ryuzaki,” I reminded. And if Ryuk didn’t follow the deal, I kill myself and the king of the shinigami’s kills Ryuk. It didn’t take much to convince the king once I finally had him listening. That did take time though. But the deal was easy enough. 20 apples for my brother to be happy.

“You idolize Light far too much.”

“He saved me. I owe him this,” I folded my arms and walked over to the door, looking out. I would have asked a passing nurse what was happening, but my English was nonexistent at best. The only thing I chose to be good at was computer code. “Can Ryuzaki see you?”

“You’re preceptive. Yes, he has touched the death note before.”

I glanced back up the hallway again before deciding that Ryuzaki wasn’t going to come back anytime soon and went back to my desk. Light would be ok with whatever had happened to him.

“How? Did he find it like me?” I leaned back in my chair, legs crossed and arms folded over my chest.

“What’s in it for me?” Ryuk questioned, not turning away from the door.

“I’ll go get you an apple from the cafeteria,” I suggested, watching Ryuk carefully. I didn’t trust him with anything. He hadn’t broken a deal of ours yet, but that didn’t mean much to me. Anything that was willing to destroy humanity for laughs and giggles was just wrong.

“Light gave him the death note,” Ryuk said in a bored tone. “Light brought him back from the grave and had to explain it somehow.”

“Brought him back to life?” I blurted out, sitting forward in my chair. “I didn’t know that was possible.

“It’s a much harsher deal than the shinigami eyes are.” Ryuk finally turned around to look at me, his yellow eyes intent in their stare.

“Is Ryuzaki the reason that Light stopped being Kira?”

“Yes.”

I put a hand to my mouth in thought. That didn’t make sense to me. There had to be another reason other than Light liking Ryuzaki to make him stop being Kira. I knew that Light wouldn’t just stop. That wasn't like him, not in the slightest. There was a reason he was still the top student in Japan even though it had been a while since he had been in high school. When he had his mind set to something, he didn’t stop until he got what he wanted.

“What am I missing?” I muttered aloud, running hands through my hair. I sighed and rubbed at my tired eyes. Ryuzaki had been right. I was jet lagged.

“If you get me two apples, I’ll tell you a secret. It might make everything much more fun around here.”

I nodded and got to my feet, wandering out into the hallway and towards where a spoon and fork on a sign pointed me. Eventually I found the cafeteria and bought the two apples with the small amount of money Watari gave me so that I could pay the taxis.

I made my way back upstairs and tossed the two apples to Ryuk who dug into the first one. I took my seat and waited for him to finish patiently. But he took his sweet time and when he began to lick his fingers I was about to lose it. I rolled my eyes and cleared my throat loudly.

“Ryuzaki has many other names.”

“How the hell is that supposed to help me?” I demanded in a growl.

“One of them is Detective L.”

I paused and I couldn’t stop my eyes from going wide. There was no way. That wasn’t possible. What was so special about L? And what the fuck was L? I had never expected L to be in anyway normal in a mental way, but the way he acted and portrayed himself was bizarre.

But I had been right. I knew he was someone important. His computer had said that much. He at least worked for or with my father. That’s why I had sent the virus. That’s why I had made that video and killed that horrible bitch teacher Chiho. Sleeping with students and boosting their grade. She was a sick fuck.

This would be my downfall. There was no where else for me to go. I had trapped myself in this deal and Ryuk knew it. He knew it and this was where my life came to a halt. I couldn’t kill L and finish what my brother started, because the deal said that if anything happened to Light or Ryuzaki that Ryuk and I would forfeit our lives as well.

I sighed and lowered my head into my hands and dug my nails into my head at the cackling laugh from Ryuk. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I had two choices. Either my Kira went away, or I just kept playing this game for as long as I could before I was caught. And I would be caught. L had found Light and he knew about the death notes. I didn’t have that surprised anymore. I never did.

But I couldn’t just stop. There was no way. Not after what my brother did for me, whether he knew it or not. I had to repay him. I had to do something. He had saved me from that mugger.

That man had taken my purse and then ripped my shirt, beating me. I remembered having to put on so much makeup to hide my bruises over my face and arms. And then his hands went around my neck. I couldn’t wear tight clothes or necklaces anymore because they mimicked his hands around my neck, cutting off my air.

I could feel my hands shaking just at the thought.

And then he had died. Heart attack. Right over the top of me. It was terrifying, just the way he slumped over on top of me. I shoved him off and raced home. The next day he was on the news. He had been part of a large money laundering scheme and had been killed by Kira. But I didn’t know it was really true until I found Light’s death note in his desk.

It was easy enough to figure out his little bomb. I wasn’t stupid. The only thing I wasn’t very good at was math. The rest was because I didn’t try. All of it was so boring. None of it met my interest and so I didn’t bother.

I was just curious what was so important that he had to create that to hide it. And that’s when I met Ryuk and saw the mugger’s name written on one of the pages. My brother had saved me.

And so, I would keep working. I would keep writing names down in my own death note. I would keep being Kira to make the world better and to save more people, like Light saved me. And I would play this game until L finally found me. My father wouldn’t any time soon. He refused to believe that Light was Kira, so why would his own little girl who was obsessed with boys and makeup be a killer?

And this was a game. I would make it a game. I would keep myself entertained with L. He was so easy to tease. Even just with the piano, he was so easy to manipulate. Maybe I could stretch this out a bit longer. And he was distracted with Light at the moment. I could get a lot of work done.

I sat back up and waved Ryuk away who was still watching me intently as I had pieced everything together. Ryuk simply laughed again before disappearing in his weird little way of dissolving in thin air.

I snatched my death note from my backpack and pulled up the news tab on my laptop. I was going to make a dent in humanity. Every chance I had, I would delete everyone that wasn’t worthy of living. And I would give L a run for his money.

I wasn't sure how long it was, but I went through all of the Japanese news sites that I normally followed and then went through the files from my father's computer. 

And then I moved to my file of L's computer. The smart ass had stopped my virus before it could copy his whole system, but I did get a decent chunk of files. Most were previous cases that I had looked through, but hadn't read much of. But now was my chance.

And I didn't care. I didn't care whose name came up in those files, I would end them. Show L that I meant business.

All is fair in love and war.

***

“Light had another seizure,” L said as he walked through the door.

My heart stopped and I jumped at his voice. A hand went to my chest and I laughed. “You scared me.” I exhaled deeply, reaching out to close all of the files I had open on my laptop. “Is he doing ok?”

“They want to keep him here for a little while longer. Said they were bringing in a doctor for him. Supposed to be the best in the UK. We'll see.” L crossed the room and took a seat beside me. “He better be worth the money.”

“By the look of your house, I think money isn't an issue,” I muttered.

I carefully closed up my deathnote, making sure the back cover was up and placed it back into my backpack with my other notebooks, hoping it would blend in.

“That sounds serious,” I pressed, trying to get him to talk about it.

“Well, they don't know what's wrong. The MRI didn't show any inaccuracies and they weren't able to finish the CT scan.”

To be honest, I wasn't truly worried. Ryuk would have told me if something worse was going to happen to Light. Light was safe from death. But I wasn't sure on what the seizures would do to his mind.

His mind is what made Light Light. It was what made him my brother.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “When is the doctor supposed to be here?” I glanced over at L when there was nothing but silence. “Ryuzaki?” He sat in his odd position that would make my feet fall asleep in minutes and his head was resting on his knees as he stared at my computer screen. 

“I'm not sure when the doctor will show up. I'm just worried,” he muttered softly. “This isn't normal and I don't have any idea what it could be. I have researched possibilities for what feels like days on end, and I have nothing to go on. And it's not that I don't trust the doctors, but I doubt that they will be able to come to a conclusion if I haven't.”

“I see.” I shook out my hair and folded my arms over my chest. “I'm sure he'll be ok. He's been through a lot and made it out the other side.”

“I suppose so.” L inhaled deeply and I watched his face carefully. He was very interesting. His face stayed blank, but his eyes.... You could see the whole world in those dark eyes.

I reached out and patted his back, unsure of what else to do. I expected him to pull back at my touch, but it didn't faze him.

And I didn't hate him. Even though I knew where this game was going, even though I knew that it didn't end well for me at the end of the road, I wasn't mad. L was doing his job. He was finding a mass murderer. I knew I was in the wrong from the world’s eyes. But I had justified it to myself countless times, that it didn't matter if what I was doing was right or wrong, I knew it was for the greater good.

And L was family now. I was sure that my parents would never find out, but that didn't change anything. L was my brother and that was special. He was special to Light and if a person was that important to my brother then he was worth keeping around, even if it meant ending me.

I gave a curious look as L lifted his head up, to focus more on my computer. “Why do you have a gaming computer?” he questioned.

“It has more than enough room for homework and the games I play, why?” I asked curiously. Did he know it was a lie? Did he know I needed all the space so I could hold all of the police files?

He reached out towards my laptop and moved the mouse over to a tab I had open and clicked on it.

It opened to a youtube page that had a song up on it. I had been listening to it before I got on the plane and didn't close the tab.

He recognized it. I was in trouble if he connected the dots faster than I intended. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't make up an excuse yet. It would seem suspicious.

“You don't know English. How do you know this song?” L asked, his eyes turning to me. I could see the gears turning in his head. I could see his deductions as if they were written across his head. He knew.

“It's based on a video game my friends and I like,” I explained. It wasn't a lie. I did like the game. “The game is called Doki Doki Literature Club. It's interesting. Monica is my favorite. My friend likes the youtuber and showed me the song. I looked up the lyrics once. I think it's called delete me or something. I just like the tune.”

I had said too much. I had given too many details. This was it. It was over. My run was done.

“When did you get this computer?”

“Umm...” I paused, looking up in thought. “My other computer died around... Late September, early October.”

L's eyes flickered over my face curiously. I just wanted to know what he was going to do. What conclusions had he come up with? I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, it hurt so badly.

L opened his mouth, but stopped at a knock on the door. A man stepped in, looking down at his clipboard. He had thin brown hair that was peppered with grey. His face structure was tight over his cheek bones and there was a hint of familiarity in the face, though I couldn't quite place it.

L lowered his feet to the ground, hesitantly getting to his feet.

I couldn’t understand much of what he said. A greeting and then my brother’s name. He must have been Light’s doctor. My eyes moved between L and the doctor standing in the room. It clicked. I knew why he looked familiar.

And the next word that came from L I knew.

 

“Dad?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playing God- Paramore


	26. Miss You Being Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you think is wrong?” I looked over my shoulder at Sayu who had returned to her computer.
> 
> “I don't have an answer yet. Not until the tests come back.”
> 
> “That's bullshit,” I hissed tightly. “I'm not a little kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about last week. I've been out of town and I finally found a place with enough power to upload! I know it's small, but I hope you like it!

*L’s POV*

“Hello. I'm here for Light Yagami.” I knew that voice. I got to my feet, unsure if my eyes were betraying me. “I was informed that his family was here and I was to brief them. My name is Dr. Rupert-”

“Dad?” I asked in disbelief. My mind didn’t want to function. There were too many things going through it all at once. There was something wrong with Light, there was definitely something going on with Sayu, though I didn’t have enough time to shift my theories for the facts because now there was this.

This man that I had not seen since I was four, but somehow his voice was still the same. His face was the same scowl that it always had been and his eyes were just as uncaring as I remembered.

The air was tense the moment the word left my lips. Even Sayu didn’t speak. And those eyes, his dark brown eyes, were piercing as they stared at me. What the hell was happening? My whole inside was shaking, screaming at me. I wanted to yell, just yell at him. Demand how he dared to walk back into my life after what they did to me! And I knew the thought was illogical. How could he have possibly known that I could be here? There was no way he could have, but somehow he should have known! He should have known that I would be here!

“Lawliet?” 

My name. He said it aloud. But for some reason I didn’t care. Sayu could know my name. She probably didn't understand what was being said anyways. 

My chest was tight, my head pounding with the blood rushing in my ears. How was he here? A doctor? He was never a doctor. He was a lawyer. I mean, anyone could change their profession, but a doctor? I guess it had been just over 20 years. There was a lot that could happen in 20 years.

I had never wanted my brain to be so silent before in my life. I just wanted it to stop talking to me. Stop making me feel everything that was shooting through my system. Pain, anger, fear, wonderment, whatever the fuck my body wanted to call it, I wanted it to all stop!

“Ryuzaki?” Sayu asked, a hand on my shoulder. I blinked several times, the room rushing back with a sharp inhale from a breath I didn’t know that I had been holding. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” I whispered to her. I couldn’t help but take a step back when my father moved towards me.

“You’re pale and shaking,” he said, his voice in full work mode, the way it had always been. “You should sit down and drink some water.” 

“I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I’ve been doing it for years,” I shot back harshly. He wasn’t even pretending to care, he was just playing the doctor. 

“When was the last time you slept or ate anything?” he questioned, coming closer to me, his eyes looking over me. I didn’t like it. I was being scrutinized.

“Please don’t act like you care,” I muttered. I gave Sayu a nod and she released my shoulder to go sit back down. “And I don’t want you near Light.”

My father gave a slightly confused look, but he glanced back at his clipboard and nodded. “Are you family?”

“Of course I’m family,” I hissed. I had never felt like this before. So angry and helpless. I had this nagging, digging want to somehow kill this man. Not just kill, but throw him in a pit and shovel dirt slowly onto him until his mouth was full. I wanted to hear his cries while rocks fell down on his head thicker than a hail storm. Is this what it felt like for Light?

My father gave me a kind smile, teeth white against the grey stubble over his face. I was taken aback by how genuine it felt.

“I am just trying to play the professional. If you want to discuss life decisions after, then we will, but at the moment there is a young boy who needs help and whether you like it or not, I am the best option you have at this time.” I didn’t like his voice. It was almost a sneer, like he knew what position I was in and was enjoying it in a way. But then again, it was just his job. As messed up as it was, he needed people to be sick or injured, just as I needed crimes to be committed, and just as mechanic needed cars to break down. We all depended on it.

“If you would like to find someone else, then be my guest,” he continued, glancing over the clipboard that was still held in his grasp. “But for the time being, with your permission until otherwise, I would like to do my job.”

I was silent for a moment and glanced over at Sayu, who was silently watching us. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “Sayu, are you comfortable with him being Light’s doctor?” I asked. She had as much input as I did. This was her brother. “I can find someone else.”

“Is he good?” she inquired and I inhaled deeply. “You said they were bringing in the best.”

“I would have to research,” I admitted. I had lost track of my family and it was obvious that I had missed quite a bit. I looked back up at my father. “Do you have a Board Certification?”

“Yes,” he replied with a nod.

“And how much experience do you have?”

“A little over a decade.” He took a step closer to me, but again I shrunk back. I didn’t want to be too close to this person who I didn’t want to trust. I was so torn. So incredibly pained. My pride was getting in the way of what could help Light and I needed to suck it up. “I can get you my file if you would like, but the longer we stand here, the longer it is going to take for me to help Light.”

I folded my arms over my chest and looked back at Sayu. “Tell me your thoughts. I know you can’t understand what is being said, but what are you thinking?”

Sayu was silent for a moment, glancing between the two of us. “This is for my brother. And I don’t mean to be a burden or rude, but just the look of this place tells me that you have the money to cover any costs that may come up. And if he is the best, then please give my brother the best.”

“And what do you think of him?”

Sayu looked back towards my father, her eyes trailing over him. “He reminds me of my dad.” 

I ran a hand over my face and sighed. “Help him, please.”

“Of course. I am going to go check on him and make sure that the CT scan is going ok now.” He turned away and was almost out the door when I felt myself stepping forward after him.

“Wait,” I called, causing my father to stop. “You said you were going to brief us.”

“He is currently stable. They are attempting the CT scan again. I am going to look over the results with the radiologists. You are welcome to stay here. If Light doesn't have another fit then we will bring him back here to rest.”

“What do you think is wrong?” I looked over my shoulder at Sayu who had returned to her computer.

“I don't have an answer yet. Not until the tests come back.”

“That's bullshit,” I hissed tightly. “I'm not a little kid.”

“If you really must know, the symptoms that you told the nurses sound like a brain tumor. But again, I won't know for certain.”

I couldn't find the words to speak. I had expected that much, but hearing it was different. It put everything into perspective. My father must have read into my expression, because I could feel his rough hand take my shoulder.

“You look horrible. Go home. Shower, change, eat, and rest. Don’t come back until you’ve gotten at least two hours of sleep. Doctor’s orders.” And with that he left the room, his regal manor still floating around me.

I hated it like I had never hated anything in my life. But Light’s life is what mattered at the moment, not mine. I could swallow what little pride I had and do what was best for Light.

“Would you like to go back to the house with me? I was going to grab some clean clothes.” I sighed. Why was I listening to my father? Not my father, the doctor. That’s who I was listening to. The medical professional.

“I would like to stay here, if you don’t mind,” she replied with a sigh. “Someone needs to stay here and make sure Light’s ok.”

I simply gave a nod. I wasn’t sure what else to do. And it was beginning to weigh on me how absolutely tired I was. And this wasn’t the tired where one night of sleep would fix it, this was exhaustion. My bones were heavy and the anxiety wanted to be used up so that my brain could finally relax. And six hours would feel like 60 year, but the effect would be less than ten minutes on my body.

“Is there anything you need?”

“No,” Sayu said, giving me a kind smile. “Do go take care of yourself. I’ll be ok. If needs be I’ll look up a translator on Yahoo or something.”

***

I almost felt guilty as I stepped into my bedroom. The outside world was still white and had made the room chilly. The house was so incredibly quiet that I didn't want to stay here for very long.

The shower was nice. It helped dull the ache that was etched into my limbs, but the knots in my shoulders wouldn't go.

I got dressed and was planning to go right back to the hospital, but I made the mistake of sitting on the bed.

It was as if my mind shut down and I curled around Light's pillow, falling asleep almost instantly.

I came to when the room was dark. The sound of my phone vibrating on the bedside table is what pulled me from my drowsy haze.

I picked up the phone and put it to my ear. “Hello?” I mumbled, rubbing at my eyes while I stretched out my back.

“Ryuzaki,” Sayu said on the other side. “I can't understand what's going on, but the look on the doctor's face isn't good. Please come back.”

I quickly sat up, no longer tired and raced for the door where my shoes and a coat were.

“Can I talk to him please?” I asked, my heart racing in my chest. I could make out the sound of shuffling, or maybe it was just from me trying to pull on my coat.

“Lawliet?”

If I wasn’t in such a hurry, I would have probably demanded the name not to be used, but I was more worried over Light than I was a few letters.

“What’s wrong?” I demanded, stumbling from the room and to the stairs.

“We found something odd in the toxicology report,” my father's voice said, the muffled sound of papers in the background.

“What is it?” I questioned, racing out the front door and going to the garage. Beside the garage was a small flat that our driver stayed in. I knocked on his door and then moved to the car, impatiently. “You going to tell me?” I demanded when no answer came.

“I was rereading the charts,” my father replied with a sigh. “It looks like he has suffered from some sort of lead poisoning. Or at least that's what came up on the toxicology report. But I'm not sure that's the reason for his symptoms.”

“What makes you say that?” I questioned, climbing into the car to escape the cold wind. Bradley got into the driver's seat and started up the engine.

“The symptoms don't match lead poisoning,” my father continued. “I would like to do more testing to see what is wrong, but it is possible that whatever he had has left his system.”

I took a deep breath. “I'm not sure how he would have gotten lead poisoning. There's nothing in the water, because I've been drinking it. He hasn't gone anywhere out of the ordinary.”

“Maybe he breathed in dust while working. That's not improbable, especially in older buildings. But again, I would like to run more screening if you would allow me to.”

“Why are you asking me?” I rubbed at my eyes and then the back of my neck.

“Because we are not on the best terms and I would like to know what is appropriate for me to do.” My father sounded tired. How long had I been asleep?

“Do whatever you need to,” I mumbled. “I'll be there in about 45 minutes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miss You Being Gone- The Band Perry


	27. What You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lead poisoning?" I asked softly, repeating the nurse's words. That didn't seem right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: Someone informed me that I posted the incorrect name for what is wrong with Light. That has been fixed. Thanks!
> 
> Hey guys. Long time no see. I want to apologize for not posting in so long. Life just kinda hit me. My car broke down and I had to go get a new one and then I lost y job and had to find a new one. My shift starts at 6:30 in the morning and I don't get home until 4:30 in the evening. And by then I am usually so tired that I just go to bed. And then I got rear ended in my car and it had to be take to the shop and the trunk and bumper had to be replaced and that was a pain in the ass. And now I am having to get a surgery done and my shoulder is all kinds of messed up. I think I pinched a nerve really badly. My hand likes to go numb now. Haha. So typing is a bitch. I can't promise when the next chapter will be out. And I can't say when I will finish editing the first story and put it back up. I am trying, but finding the time where my brain isn't mush is difficult. But thank you all for the kind wishes and messages. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I know it's short, but it's something. Love you all. Thank you for your support. And I will see you all again soon. Until then, happy reading! :)

*Light's POV*

It had taken me a moment to place where I had seen the doctor before. I didn't know him, per se, but I knew his face. And when it finally came to me, all I could do was stare. When I wasn't being poked and prodded and stabbed and shoved into machines, I couldn't keep my eyes from him. He had L's dark eyes, but L was right. His hair had come from his mother. And I wasn't sure if it was a family trait, but he was cold just as L had been when we first met. And finally I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"When did you stop working as lawyer?" I questioned when he entered the room with his clipboard held tightly in his fist.

"When I moved to New York, I thought it was time for a change. But My wife wanted to move back here," he mumbled boredly, flipping through papers on the clipboard. He pushed back his greying hair from his face and looked back up, his eyes meeting mine. "You weren't someone whose parents I sent to jail, right?"

"You look like your son," I replied, tapping my fingers on the railing of my bed. I closed my eyes and rested back. Exhausted wouldn't cover how tired I felt, but there wasn't much point in sleeping. Between all of the nurses coming in and out of the room and the lingering fear of another seizure, I didn't want to sleep. I opened my eyes slightly to look over him again. "You must be incredibly smart."

There was a spark of curiosity in his gaze, but it again turned to boredom. "I wouldn't say incredibly smart. I have just worked hard for what I wanted to do." He stepped closer to the bed. "What makes you say that?"

"Both a lawyer and a neurologist take a substantial time to accomplish."

There was no acceptance of the compliment, instead he merely moved on. "We found something in your blood test, but before I put a name to it, I would like to run some more tests. Would that be alright with you?"

"Of course," I answered with a nod. "Anything so that I can get out of this bed and get home." He simply nodded and turned to leave the room to most likely grab a nurse. "Sir?" I called after him. He stopped and turned to face me, annoyance present in his features. "Why?"

"Why what?" he questioned, leaning against the door frame.

"Why did you need a new start?"

"That is personal information that-"

"I am your son-in-law, whether you want to accept it or not," -his eyes flickered over me questioningly- "and I think I have every right to know why you left your son to start a new life." The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. I looked down at my hands, shyly playing with my ring. I wasn't sure what made the words come out, but there they were, hanging in the air.

The silence that followed was tense and made me bite my lip. I had been out of line. I just wasn't sure how someone could leave someone like L. He was difficult at times and he wasn't what people thought of as normal, but he was brilliant and caring and more than the front he put up.

When I looked back up, I could see Rupert's eyes on my ring that I was still playing with nervously. There was a flicker of an expression over his face, but I couldn't make out exactly what it was. Maybe understanding.

"Then you are family," he mumbled, looking away again and digging back through my chart, most likely trying to avoid me. "This is not the time or the place. If you would like to discuss this later, then I will do so. But at the moment, I am your doctor and you are my patient, and we will retain that boundary. I will send in someone to go over things with you in more detail."

I felt so small next to him. It was strange. Maybe it was his confidence, or the fact that my life was in danger and Rupert was the best that I had, but he was intimidating. What was wrong with me? I was once the most hunted and praised man in the world and I could hardly look this man in the eye. And even after he had left the room, his presence was still there. Something about him lingered.

A nurse entered the room and explained to me the situation, but all I could come up with was that he had used a nurse to escape from me, from the questions. I highly doubted that he wanted to be anywhere near either L or me.

"Lead poisoning?" I asked softly, repeating the nurse's words. That didn't seem right. That must have been why Rupert wanted to run more tests. My symptoms were more extreme than what the solution on lead poisoning had to offer.

"We would like to take another blood sample and we will be doing a follow up with your home to make sure that it's not in the water," the nurse explained, pushing her hair back behind her ear. "I can go get what we need for the blood testing, if you are ok with it."

I gave a nod, still thinking over everything that she had said. I wasn't sure why it would be in our house if this really was lead poisoning. I spent as much time with L as I could and he wasn't ill.

"What is your line of work?" the nurse questioned.

"I work in the homicide sector of Scotland Yard. But I haven't worked in the office or been to a place with enough exposure to cause me to fall ill without others also being affected," I thought aloud.

The nurse left the room as I racked my brain for some answer to what they had found. Lead poisoning didn't happen overnight. It took a long time to manafest, so I had no idea where I would have gotten it. The only time I wasn't with L was when I went to Japan, work or school. But I had been out of school for a long time and Sayu would be sick. And if I wasn't with L at home, I was with Adam at work and he hadn't seemed to be ill from what I could remember.

The nurse left and returned with the necessary items for the tests and then went back on her way. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do at this point. I knew resting was number one, but I didn't want to rest. This was the clearest my mind had felt in however long I had been locked away in my mind and I wanted to work.

Or maybe I had slept. Because when I came back from my mind, I was no longer in that horrible room alone, I was back in my assigned room with both Sayu and L and... Ryuk.

I felt my chest tighten and I bit my tongue. How long had he been here? I tried to push that from my mind and looked back at L who was sitting beside Sayu, helping her with her homework, I assumed.

I almost wished I had homework. Something to distract me from the giant monster in the room. Something to make my brain think, make my brain work. A puzzle, but not one of life or death. A math equation would be just fine. That would be more than enough to save me from myself.

And the room was quiet. The two didn't seem to have noticed me and were talking quietly to themselves, in so soft a tone that I couldn't hear a thing, only see their lips moving. I wanted to speak, but my mouth felt like I had swallowed sand and so I wasn't sure if I could make any noise even if I wanted to.

But there were eyes on me. Large yellow eyes. I turned my gaze to them and there was a dazzlingly horrid smile greeting me.

"Have you figured it out yet?" he asked me. I could see L pause in his work and glance up from Ryuk and then to me. I stayed silent, eyes returning to Ryuk. I gave a small shake of my head, unsure to what he was referring to. "The death note. The one in Japan."

L had gone back to helping Sayu who was still working away. I could tell L was still listening intently though. And Sayu. There was something in the way she sat. Something uncomfortable, free hand clenched into a fist under her makeshift table.

I gave a shrug in reply to Ryuk. That trip to Japan had seemed so far away now. Like a horrible fuzzy nightmare that would repeat over and over again until the day I died, however long that day would take to get here.

"You don't know whose it is yet?" Ryuk questioned, a sneer on his lips. "You're getting too slow and soft Light. And I'm sad that L hasn't figured it out yet either."

I wanted to snap at him. Inform him that I had been in and out of consciousness for the better part of a week and L had been with me through all of it. Of course I hadn't been trying to figure out whose death note I had been given. That had been the very last thing on my mind. I shot him a dark look and the shinigami just laughed in his weird gravely way.

"I told you that a fan had given it to you," Ryuk pushed.

I saw Sayu shift slightly, and continue writing down something that L was pointing to on her computer screen. I looked over her again, analyzing. There was something wrong. Something making her on edge. She had never been very good at hiding her emotions from me. I could always tell when she was sad or upset or hurt. And this was one of those times. Her hand had left its place on her lap and was now tangled in her hair, her elbow holding her head up. Her right knee bounced and she was biting her lip, almost as if she wanted to say something. Like she was holding back a shout. She tapped her pen on her paper, her eyes glancing around the room, coming to stop on me.

"You're awake," she said, a large smile covering her lips and her tightness immediately draining away. She got to her feet and walked over to the bedside, leaving L behind to glare at the shinigami. She pushed her pen behind her ear and took one of my hands in hers. "How are you feeling?" I gave a shrug, forcing myself not to look at Ryuk. "Would you like some water?" she questioned. I gave a nod and she dropped my hand to fill up my cup that was beside my bed. She passed it to me and I took a sip. She leaned over, close to me. "You can stop pretending," she whispered before placing a kiss to my forehead and taking the cup back from my hand.

I stared at her as she placed the cup down and left my side. I wanted to ask, but before I could even open my mouth, a figure walked into the room. Rupert.

"How are you feeling?" he inquired, coming over to me. I pulled my eyes from Sayu and looked over the tired looking man.

"I'm ok," I croaked out softly. "I'm assuming you have news?"

"I would like to speak to my son first, if you don't mind," was Rupert's reply. L gave a curious look, and stood from his chair, following his father from the room. I stared after them at the empty doorway. It was silent for a moment and I began to grow anxious, my chest going tight.

"Fuck," came L's voice. "How the hell is that even possible?" I sat up a little straighter, my back aching. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. What do we do?" I wanted to know. What was wrong? What weren't they telling me? I needed to know. I pushed scratchy the blanket from my bare legs shakily got to my feet. Sayu rushed over and tried to push me back down. My legs collapsed under the extra weight and I sat back on the thin mattress, my head spinning dangerously. But I didn't care. I had to know.

"Ryuzaki!" Sayu called, trying to keep a steady grip on my shoulders. "Help me get him back in bed!"

L raced in, followed by Rupert and L took Sayu's place, hands on my shoulders. The room was folding inside out somehow and I could feel my stomach churn.

"Lay back down," L instructed.

"He's going to be sick," Rupert said from somewhere behind L and the next thing I knew, my hands had a container in them and I was emptying my already extremely empty stomach into it. L's hand ran soothing circle's into my back, his other hand holding back my hair. "You shouldn't be out of bed," the doctor continued, his voice closer, though I couldn't see through the tears in my eyes. "I know you're smarter than that."

The object was removed from my hands and L released my hair, helping me lie back down. He took my hand, but I didn't dare open my eyes. I didn't want to see his expression. I was positive that is was disappointment.

"Light, I need to speak to Adam. Can I see your phone?" L asked softly, his cool hand pressing to my forehead. "He has a fever."

"He should rest. I'll have the nurse get another IV drip going," Rupert's voice said and footsteps left the room.

"Light, can I use your phone?"

"What's wrong?" I asked through a cracking voice, my insides squirming uncomfortably.

"Not right now, love," L replied softly, a kiss being placed to one of my cheeks, though I couldn't make out which at the moment. "Please get some sleep. I'm going to call Adam and see what's going on."

"Why do you need to call Adam?" I questioned, trying to open my eyes, but swiftly closing them when the light from the hall blinded me.

"Hush, love. Later. When you wake up, we'll talk."

"No, now." I said in as strong a voice as I could, though I was sure my vocal cords had betrayed me. "Why do you need to speak to Adam? What's wrong with me? Why do you keep calling me love?"

"I need to know where you've been while you've been at work with him," L whispered, placing a kiss to my head. "You're going to be ok."

"That isn't reassuring," I muttered, clutching tightly to L's hand so he couldn't move away.

I wish I knew what I was feeling, All I knew was that everything was wrong and I was all messed up. So messed up that I couldn't even tell if I was still holding L's hand anymore.

"Why were you swearing?" I pressed, hoping that I would get some sort of information out of him. Anything. Anything at all. I forced my eyes to open and squinted through the light in the room. "Why do you need to talk to Adam. You have to give me something."

I could see L stiffen and he hesitated, obviously hoping that I would drop the conversation. I could feel his hand give mine a squeeze, but I wasn't sure which hand it was. "It was not lead poisoning."

"Of course it wasn't," I muttered, nodding my head and immediately wishing I hadn't. "My symptoms don't match. What is it?"

L didn't reply. I waited for moment, but I could tell he wouldn't say anything. I looked towards Rupert, who had returned to the room with a nurse, who had another saline IV drip ready to go.

"Tell me," I ordered.

Rupert moved closer and I could see the begging look in L's eyes. Rupert ignored his son and took a deep breath. "Cyanide poisoning." My brain stopped and I could barely make out the words he was speaking as he continued. "We are going to start you on several treatments. We're hoping that the Cyanide hasn't bound to your tissues yet. That will be much harder to treat. Not impossible, but a good outcome is rare. And we have no way of telling if is organic or not. We just have to hope that is organic. That will be much easier to flush from your system."

I opened my mouth to speak but it took a moment for the words to come. "Why do you need to speak to Adam?"

"I need to know where you two have been. If he has seen anything suspicious," L explained softly.

"Ok," I muttered. "What do you need from me?"

"We just need you to rest," Rupert replied.

"Just rest?" I questioned. "I can't just rest. I need something to do. I need to help you figure things out."

"I can give you a case to work," L offered. "But you are not going to worry over yourself. You are going to rest and do whatever Rupert asks of you while I work with Adam." I tried to argue, but L cut me off. "Light, I mean it. You need to stay right here and rest. Do you understand?"

I sighed and reluctantly replied, "Yes. I understand."

L had given me a case to work and had gone out into the hall with my phone to call Adam and Sayu had returned to her homework. Ryuk had disappeared without a word and Rupert had started me on a round of medication that was making my stomach churn.

I did my best to push the feeling away and look over the paperwork that L had given me with his notes scratched in lowercase and capital letters mixed. Something about a young girl having been found on the side of a jogging trail, covered in bruises. And no one knew what had happened to her. Seizures were blamed, but there had never been an autopsy.

I shivered at the idea. I couldn't imagine being dragged so far into yourself that you never came back. It was already terrifying enough to come out of it and not remember a single thing, not even something as simple as your own name. To just be gone... What a horrible idea.

L had written haphazardly on one of the sticky notes to speak to the M.E. who had been on scene. I dug through the pages that were there in the file and eventually found a name. A Carl J. Tusi. I would have to look him up, but that wouldn't be the easiest thing. The UK ad strict medical laws to follow and I wasn't sure if it would be as easy as just googling his name. L could probably find the name for me, but he was still gone.

"Sayu?" I called and she looked up from the notebook she was scribblinging furiously. She looked slightly dazed and it took a moment for her eyes to come back to life and her to answer me.

"Yeah?"

"Could you search a medical professional for me and see if you can find a current phone number. I'm not sure if you can, but-"

"What's his name?" she interrupted me, hands moving to her computer.

"Carl J. Tusi," I answered, looking over the notes, making sure I was correct. "He's a M.E."

"Found him," she said quickly, standing and bringing her laptop over to me.

"How did you do that so quickly?" I pushed myself up a bit more as she came over to me.

"I searched his name and it said that he moved to the US. They use NPI number to track their providers. I looked him up in and found his NPI number, as well as a possible facility address and phone number."

"NPI number?" I questioned, confused as I looked over the website she had up.

"It's a National Provider Identifier. It's a series of numbers that the US government uses on the provider's tax forms," Sayu explained, passing me a pen so that I could write down the phone number.

"How do you know this?" I would have never in a million years, known that there was a website specifically made to search for providers.

"You didn't know that I did a summer internship for a medical records retrieval company?"

I paused and looked up at her, confused. "No? When did you do this?"

"Over the summer. There are facilities in New York that are owned by Asian culture families and don't know English very well and so we call and handle their requests."

"I didn't know that-"

"What a load of shit," came L's voice as he walked into the room. He passed me my phone and sighed. "I have some things I need to take care of, Light. Are you alright if I leave?"

"What's wrong?" I asked softly. I wanted to know the answer, but I wasn't sure if he wanted to tell me.

"I have to go do something for you. But Adam said that there has been a mass killing just now and they need someone there. So I need to go take care of that too."

"Are-are you going to be ok?" I asked, my hand reaching out towards him. He took it in his and gave me a small smile in return.

"I will be fine. I might not be used to field work, but Adam did ask for me."

"Adam isn't usually the brightest of people," I muttered, my other hand rubbing my eyes. "He's not in charge. You could get in trouble and-"

"I will be fine," L insisted. "The chances of me getting injured in anyway are slim to none. I will just go figure out what is going on. It's connected to the Kira case. It's important. I need to know why he's attacking here."

I exhaled deeply. L hadn't been this energetic in a long time. He wanted to go. But I could also see the guilt creeping up in his dark eyes.

"You'll come back, right?"

L gave a confused look as if he couldn't comprehend what I was asking him.

"Of course," he replied with a small nod. "Why would I not?" I bit my lip and realization slipped across his features. "Oh. I can stay if you would like. I'm sure they don't need me."

"Just come back after. It's ok," I muttered, though I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him gone from my sight. And maybe it was me being selfish. Extremely selfish. I had had him to myself for the last few days. Completely mine. But he was what made me feel safe and I didn't want that feeling to go.

"I will be back as soon as I can," L said with a bright smile. "You rest and take care of yourself. I love you."

I didn't like that. I didn't like those words one bit. Anyone else would find those words extremely comforting, but they never meant anything good when he said them. It was a goodbye. And I wasn't sure why he was saying it. Was it in case I got worse? Did he know something I didn't? Or did he plan on something going wrong when he left?

"I love you too," I whispered, the words getting stuck in my throat.

And there was no kiss. No goodbye. Not even a squeeze to my hand. L released his grip on my hand and turned from me, leaving the room.

"I hate when you speak in English," Sayu said from beside me, causing me to jump. I had forgotten she was there. I looked up at her and she gave an apologetic smile. "I don't have to know English to know that there's something wrong." I opened my mouth to speak and she held her hand up to silence me. "I don't need to know. It's ok. I have a few more paragraphs of an essay to write and I'm done with homework. I can help you with the case, if you need. Be someone to bounce ideas off of or something. Give that doctor a call."

She moved from beside me and went back to her table.

I glanced down at the number I had written down and picked up my phone. I typed in the number and placed the phone to my ear, listening to the ringing. I didn't care what time zone he was in or what time it was there. I needed something to distract me and he was what it was going to be.

"Hello?" A tired voice asked on the other side of the line. "Dr. Tusi speaking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What You Are- AudioSlave


	28. Going Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They know who I am...” Adam whispered in a breathless voice. “How do they know who I am?”

*L’s POV*

 

Adam had asked me to meet him at some corner cafe in town. When I arrived, he was standing in the doorway, trying to block the chilled wind that had begun blowing, a large scarf around his neck and a hot cup of coffee in his hand, blowing steam into the air. “ He pointed to the cafe behind him. I shook my head. “How’s Light doing?”

“They finally figured out what was wrong and have started administering medication. He’s tired, but still stubborn. Wanted to work on a case,” I answered almost normally. I didn’t know Adam on a personal level, but I knew about him from Light and from my own deductions.

“That sounds like him. Hope he gets better soon.”

“Thank you,” I replied with a nod, shoving my hands into my pockets, hoping to cling to some of the heat that was leaving them. “Can you think of anything that would have been given to Light or..” I trailed off. I didn’t think he would know. I was positive he wouldn’t know.

“Given?” Adam questioned starting down the sidewalk and to where a police car was parked. “What exactly is wrong with Light?”

I hesitated for a moment, stopping beside the car. Adam unlocked the passenger door and headed over to the driver’s side. “Cyanide.”

“Cyanide?” Adam asked, freezing and his eyes meeting mine. “What the hell?”

“So, you don’t have any idea who could have-”

“No,” Adam cut me off, shaking his head. “I haven't noticed anything odd. Everyone likes Light. No one would try to- I don’t think- Is he going to be ok?” Adam didn’t do it. His concern was drowning his eyes and lacing his words.

“I hope so,” was what I could answer. “He has a very good doctor. So, I’m hoping.”

“It’s fecking jeelit,” Adam complained, opening his car door. It took me a moment to dig through what little I knew of Scottish slang to know that he meant it was freezing.

I climbed in beside him and could see my breath fogging up the window immediately. I lifted my hands to my lips and blew on them. Hoping the feeling would return to them, but as soon as I stopped blowing, the cold air rushed back in, just causing my finger to freeze all over again.

Adam pulled away from the curb, turning the heater on full blast as he entered a roundabout.

“Explain more to me about what happened,” I pressed, putting my fingers close to the air vent. “This is a Kira attack, right?”

“It looks that way,” Adam replied. “Almost the whole prison died from heart attack all at the same time. 2:08 this morning.”

My mind thought back, trying to remember what I was doing at that time, but everything was a blur. The last few days had all mashed into one and I couldn’t tell them apart, almost like when I had read a whole series of books in one night and I couldn’t remember which event belonged to which book, just that it had all happened.

“Every one of them? The same time?” I questioned, my fingers finally beginning to warm as the heater stopped blowing cold air. 

“Exactly,” Adam replied with a nod, glancing over at me before looking back at the road. “According to what the captain told me, the guards said that the inmates all got up at the same time and started trying to break out of their cells. And then all of them collapsed and died at the same time.”

“That sounds like Kira,” I muttered, thinking over what he had said. “But why the UK? He’s based in Japan. Everyone knows this. What made him suddenly come here?”

“There was that one attack here about a year ago. Do you remember that? I bet it’s the same person,” Adam theorized as he made another left turn.

“I remember,” I muttered thinking over what had happened with Gregory Miller.

“It was around the same time that those rich people died all suddenly,” Adam continued. He was smarter than I had given him credit for. Or he at least had an elephant's memory. “Wonder if Kira took them out.”

“I would have to agree with you.”

The car came to a stop as we pulled up to the prison it took a moment for the gates to open and for us to get through the security. And then Adam was leading me through several halls.

“Am I supposed to be here?” I asked as we came to another gate with several guards at it.

“I might have stretched the truth a little to the captain, but yes. You can be here,” was Adam's answer. My eyebrows rose at that, but I stayed silent as we were lead through the door.

“Why are we here? The jail staff should-”

“They wanted someone who has been on the Kira case here. And Light said he was on it in Japan and that you would help occasionally,” Adam muttered, his voice low so it wouldn't echo off the walls. “None of us know what to look for. You do.”

“I see,” I grumbled.

We came to a stop in front of a row of cells. Adam continued on, but I stopped. I wasn't sure why, but there was a chill down my back. Maybe it was the complete sense of fear that hung in the air so thickly it would take a chainsaw to cut through it. Or maybe it was then overwhelming feeling of power from whoever had committed this horrible act of manslaughter. Whatever the reason my feet didn't move forward.

“You alright?” Adam asked, coming back to me when he noticed I wasn't following.

“Yeah,” I answered with a nod. “Fine.”

What was wrong with me? I had felt this before. Whenever I had been around Light after a large group had been killed, he radiated power. You could feel it if you were rooms away. You could almost hear his laugh through the walls. Why was this so different now?

“Come on.” Adam jerked his head in the direction we were supposed to be going. “These cells have already been cleared. We need to head to another section.”

“They cleared the cells?” I asked, following Adam as he continued on.

“Yeah. What else were they supposed to do. All of them looked the same. There was no point in documenting all of them.” Adam shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“How would you know if they were all the same?” I demanded, appalled that they had ruined a crime scene. “There could have been something different.”

“There were over a hundred dead. They couldn't just leave them all-”

“You can’t just decide what is important and what isn't,” I shot back as we continued around a corner and down another hall. “Do you know how many cases are solved just from looking back at pictures from the crime scene? Just some little detail that's off that brings cold cases back to life? You can't afford to not document everything.”

“Ryuzaki, I wasn't the one who ordered it,” Adam said, a frown on his face. “I'm sorry it upset you so much.”

I didn't reply. There was nothing else to say. Nothing I could do. What was done was done.

We finally came to a row of cells that hadn't been emptied yet. Each one the same. The bars looked scratched as if they had tried to claw their way out and then they had all collapsed on the floor, in the exact same fetal position.

I studied one cell closely, looking across everything I could. It was a little unnerving how many there were. Another chill went down my spine.

“We have had something else happen while you were gone,” the guard who was leading us said.

“What do you mean?” Adam asked, taking my arm to drag me along.

“There was another death. Different.”

We followed quietly behind the guard until we reached the very last cell on the hall.

Adam froze and dropped my arm. My eyes widened and couldn't help but step a little closer. The prisoner was slouched on the floor against his bed. Wrists and neck slit, a pull of blood under him.

But what had caught my attention wasn't what he had used to cut himself or how the bars looked mangled and hundred of years old from what he had done to them to get out.

My eyes were glued to the wall where two words were written in blood. Two names. one was spelled horribly wrong as if Kira had only ever heard it spoken and never seen it written down.

Lowlight and then Adam below that.

It was undoubtedly my name. Though I had no idea how they had heard it. It was only ever uttered at home and very rarely. The house could possibly be bugged, but I doubted it. The only people who knew where Light and I lived were the driver, Watari, Adam and Sayu. It wouldn't be any of them, would it? Sayu didn't even know English and Light had been speaking more and more English at home so he could better talk to people.

And my name was spoken at the hospital by my father, but again, Sayu didn't know English. I doubted she would he able to pick out my name among all the other words that were being said.

“They know who I am...” Adam whispered in a breathless voice. “How do they know who I am?”

I glanced back and could see his knees shaking and his face was pale. He looked like he was going to be sick, but he didn't move. Didn't fall. Didn't do anything. Just stood there.

“It could be any number of Adams,” I attempted to calm. “Not you-”

“It happened in the time I went to get you. They knew I was coming back here. It's my name,” he shot back with no strength in his voice.

I wasn't sure how to answer. Nothing I could say would be of any help. Nothing I said would console him. And I couldn't find it in me to try. He wasn't wrong. Someone very clearly knew both of us by name and was toying with us.

Somehow they knew I would be here. Somehow they knew I would be with Adam. Somehow they knew who I was. And I was back to square one. I was back to where I was with Light and Gregory. Back to someone with the power of a god knowing the one thing that could kill me. My name.

Light had explained how the book worked. I was safe as long as they spelled my name wrong. But Adam wasn't. If they knew what Adam looked like, then he was just a sitting duck. And I had no idea what I was supposed to do to help him. How could I? I was absolutely powerless.

“What does Lowlight mean?” Adam's voice broke up my thoughts.

Did I dare answer?

“It's a name,” I muttered, turning away from the cell and placing a thumb to my lips in thought.

“A name?” Adam questioned. “How do you-”

“Excuse me,” I said to the guard. “Do you have any form of sugar that I can have before we see the other bodies?”

“I-I suppose so. I can go find something. You'll have to come with me though,” the guard explained. “I can't leave you alone.”

“Of course.” I nodded, following the guard back up the hall.

“How the feck can you think about eating at a time like this?” Adam demanded as he followed.

“It helps me think,” I explained.

“Sugar helps-of course. Light mentioned you were...” Adam trailed off and I gave him a confused look.

“I was...?” I asked, hoping he would continue. What had Light said about me? He talked about me?

“That the way you do things is unique,” Adam finally said as we entered the cafeteria.

“I'm not sure what you're exactly looking for,” the guard said with a shrug.

I glanced around the room and saw a side table where packets of tea and small containers of instant coffee were. I moved over and snatched up the box of sugar cubes and put one in my mouth.

Adam stared at me for a moment before shaking his head in dismissal and turning back to the guard. “Can we see the bodies you had removed?” he questioned, his eyes returning to me curiously as I put another sugar cube in my mouth.

“Sure.” The guard started heading back to the exit and I went to follow, but Adam stopped me by grabbing my arm. 

“Leave the box,” he instructed. I glanced at the box in my hands and grabbed a few more cubes, shoving them into my coat pocket before placing the box on the nearest table and receiving an eye roll from Adam. 

I lowered my gaze and followed after them. I knew I was weird. I had been told so my whole life. But this was different. It was like he was trying to accept the way I was, but was having a hard time trying to do it. Light had been the only one to really accept me, aside from Watari. And Sayu hadn’t commented on it much.

Before I could keep thinking, we came to the gym where the equipment had been pushed to the edges of the room to make space for the large amount of bodies that were laid out. There was a man with a surgical mask on his face and was standing up from where he as beside one, scribbling things down on the clipboard he held.

He saw Adam and stepped over, pulling the mask down and giving a smile. “Hello Adam,” he greeted, giving him a handshake.

“Hi Arthur. How are you?”

“Perplexed,” was the medical professional’s answer. “Hello,” he said to me, holding out his hand to me. “I’m Arthur.”

I took his hand. “Ryuzaki,” I answered.

“Interesting name. Where are you from?”

“Doctor,” Adam interrupted before I could answer.

“Right,” Arthur said with a firm nod, turning back to the room. “I’ve never seen so many people dead at one time.”

“I thought you fought in the war,” Adam muttered, moving to stand closer to the doctor.

“I worked in the med tent. Mostly just made sure everyone was taking all of their medication correctly. I didn’t have to deal much with injured. I was extremely lucky.” Arthur sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I’m not sure what to make of it. All of the ones I’ve looked over have all died from heart attack at about two this morning. I just don’t understand how it’s possible.”

I began walking through the lines of bodies, looking over them carefully. For anything at all. Any small detail.

“Is it possible that they all ingested something?” Adam questioned somewhere behind me. It was a fair thought, and it was troublesome that I knew better.

“I’m not sure that’s what happened. All inmates have the same meals and I doubt it would be possible to poison this man people and not the others,” the doctor continued. “But it is possible. I won’t know until I perform autopsies. But I might have to ship some off to other places. I can’t perform this man in the time that it takes for food to be digested.”

I stopped beside one man who looked different from the others. I wasn’t sure what it was about him, but he was different. I knelt down beside him and began looking over him as the conversations continued behind me.

“How do you mean?” Adam asked.

“Well, even after we die, if we have eaten something, the body will still continue to digest it. I have about 24 hours to empty the stomach and see if there is anything of worth in there. Once the 24 hours is up, most of the stomach has finished dissolving the food-”

“Ok, I get,” Adam grumbled. “Rue?” I turned at my name to look at him. “What are you doing?”

“He has something in his hand,” I replied, looking over the body more closely. “I don’t have gloves though. I didn’t want to touch him.”

“He has something in his hand?” Adam inquired as he made his way over to me. He knelt down beside me and reached into his jacket where he pulled out a pair of latex gloves. He slid one on and reached for the inmate’s hand. It took a bit to pry his fingers off of whatever it was, but soon Adam held up the inmate had been holding. It was a piece of paper. He used his other glove to help open the scrunched page and held it out so we could both see it. Across the paper, scrolled in perfectly formed letters were the words:

 

Do you believe in God? Or will you write the script and become one?

 

“What the hell does that mean?” Adam asked aloud, scratching his head.

“Sayu,” I whispered, remembering the tab she had open on her computer.

“What did you say?” Adam asked, looking over me.

“It’s a song. I’m sure other the other inmates the other pieces of it. It’s a taunt from Kira.”

“How do you know that?”

“Light has received the same taunt in an email from Kira.”

“An email? He never told me about that.”

I got to my feet and glanced around at the other bodies. I knew what was different. This one had V-neck shirt on. The rest around me rounded. It was such a small detail. My eyes darted around the room until I found another with a V-neck collar and I raced to it. Adam followed and reached into the inmates hand, pulling out another piece of paper. When unfolded it said:

 

Could you delete me? Would it be easy?

 

“The collars of the shirt. V-necks are the ones with the papers,” I muttered, my hand going to my mouth. “This song is important. It means something.”

“Who is it by?” came Adam’s voice.

I glanced down to where he was still kneeling beside the body with the two pieces of paper in his hand. “An American Youtuber. It’s from a video game. Something called Doki Doki-”

“Literature Club?” Adam finished. My eyebrows furrowed and he cleared his throat, getting back to his feet, looking embarrassed. “I play games in my free time, sue me.”

“You know the game then? I haven’t been able to research it. I’ve been busy with Light. What is it about?” My mind was running a million miles a moment. This obviously meant something.

“It’s-It’s uh...” Adam rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “It’s about a writing club at school. One of those stupid dating simulator games.” I could only look at him more confused. A dating simulator? Were people really that desperate for a relationship that they lived through fake ones? “Shut up,” Adam hissed. “Basically, one of the characters-”

“Monica?” I asked, thinking over what Sayu had said about the game.

“Um, yeah. Monica knows that it’s a game and becomes sentient. She starts killing off all of the other characters so that you’ll date her and the only way to escape the game is to go into the game files and delete her character.”

I thought over everything that Adam said, but I wasn’t coming to much of a conclusion. Maybe the song wasn’t about the game. Maybe it was just about us, Kira and me. Our game.

I pulled a sugar cube from my pocket and placed it in my mouth absentmindedly. “Let’s find the rest of the papers and then we can document them. Then I need to get back to Light. I promised I wouldn’t be gone for long.”

Adam only nodded and sighed. “V-necks?”

“V-necks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going Under- Evanescence

**Author's Note:**

> Hurt- Johnny Cash- 2cellos
> 
> Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please feel free to leave comments! I love hearing your thoughts and insights!


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